I am crushed and I don't know what happened

[rz11]

And look at how they turn on and off their emotions like a light switch. One day she's f*cking his brains out and the next day, she's gone, like they were never anything. That's cold man, ice cold.

That's exactly the thing. It is not just the sex it's like she texted me 5 times a day, wanted to see me every day... It looked like she couldn't live without me and then she turns off her feelings like a switch and she's gone with another dude who doesn't make her feel the same way at all.

So yeah that "bothered" me a little.

 

[highSpeed]

That's exactly the thing. It is not just the sex it's like she texted me 5 times a day, wanted to see me every day... It looked like she couldn't live without me and then she turns off their feelings like a switch and she's gone with another dude who doesn't make her feel the same way at all.

So yeah that "bothered" me a little.

Have to wonder whether or not she ever really "felt" anything. To really feel anything, you've got to have loyalty. If she really wanted you, stick in there, change your mind, put the time and effort in, build something. If she's waiting around for someone to just do whatever she wants, that's not usually going to happen. And even if it does, she's not going to respect it, so boom, she'll be right back where she started from in a few years wondering what the hell happened when the whole time, what the hell happened is staring her right in the mirror everytime she looks.

 

[sazc]

From what you say, she was with you for a long time without you actually committing to her. That's loyalty.

Enough time went by and she got tired of being strung along. Then she got angry with herself for wasting time on someone who clearly did not value her. Then she grew a pair and decided to test you to see if you cared, so she stopped reaching out. You didn't reach out to her either, confirming what she already believed - you don't value her.

So she moved on to someone who IS able to show he values her. That's not hypergamy, in her mind she is trading up.

How long did you really think you could treat her like a doormat and she will be cool with it?

As another poster said - the game for getting them and the game for keeping them is totally different.

 

[marmel75]

Totally agree. But I think I did a pretty good job keeping her for 3 years mad in love with me without committing to a serious relationship. What I don't know is what I could have done different

There isn't anything you could have done different other than committing to a serious relationship. Women will only go with that for so long before they look for someone to give them what they want.

 

[AJ84]

That's exactly the thing. It is not just the sex it's like she texted me 5 times a day, wanted to see me every day... It looked like she couldn't live without me and then she turns off her feelings like a switch and she's gone with another dude who doesn't make her feel the same way at all.

So yeah that "bothered" me a little.

You said in an earlier post that she has no chemistry with this other dude and now you are saying that he doesn’t make her feel the same way at all?

First of all, how do you know she has no chemistry with this new guy and how do you know how he makes her feel?

Secondly, maybe she doesn’t want to feel the same way she felt with you? Maybe she wants to be with someone who will make her feel that she is worthy of a being his girlfriend.

Seriously it’s done, it may feel bad for a bit but she’s one girl out of many and I’m sure she wasn’t perfect anyway. If anything, now you know what your boundaries are around what you are not willing to offer and you can set your frame much better for the next girl. Best bet is not to date just one girl. Date more than one and let that be known to all the girls you date. This can set the tone that you are not looking for anything serious. If you try to do a causal dating thing with just one girl, after some time she may think it’s something it isn’t. Nothing dispels that assumption more than her knowing that you are dating other girls.

But, be prepared for that to go both ways. If you don’t want to do committed relationships you can’t expect commitment from them or else you will be back to square one wondering why you were dumped again.

 

[Spaz]

So depending on whom you ask, the feedback on this thread is either 1) She wasn't that great, or 2) You weren't that great. Lol. And guess what the dividing line is...

Personally I don't think it makes much difference. As I said, you guys started early. It's rare that a relationship that starts in such formative years (teens/early 20s) lasts a lifetime, at least in the West. One person or the other is going to get the itch.

It does make a difference.

Camp No. 1 is the masculine mind frame.

Camp No. 2 is the feminine mind frame.

Camp No. 1 asked, what's so special about her, there's nothing, so it's a waste of time thinking, to be dismissed from the mind henceforth and/or if the reply was indeed she is special with some outstanding qualities, then we'll have to probe deeper, since obviously OP has erred in some ways and it would be good to get to the root cause, simply to avoid a repeat.

Camp No. 2, despite knowing full well she's not special nor outstanding, keeps on focusing on him NOT being committed enough. That puts suggestions in his mind that he should commit regardless, of course in the coming future.

Why should a man commit to a women who is not special?

 

[AJ84]

From what you say, she was with you for a long time without you actually committing to her. That's loyalty.

Enough time went by and she got tired of being strung along. Then she got angry with herself for wasting time on someone who clearly did not value her. Then she grew a pair and decided to test you to see if you cared, so she stopped reaching out. You didn't reach out to her either, confirming what she already believed - you don't value her.

So she moved on to someone who IS able to show he values her. That's not hypergamy, in her mind she is trading up.

How long did you really think you could treat her like a doormat and she will be cool with it?

As another poster said - the game for getting them and the game for keeping them is totally different.

That right there. I don’t get how some guys don’t understand that most women will not hang around forever getting played along.

And so many guys here criticize women for wasting their best years doing just that when they could of settled for a decent guy.

Here we have an example of a women who decided to not waste more of her best years, and a few are crapping on her for that.

What was she supposed to do, waste the next ten years only to give up in her mid 30s where she can then be called a post wall hag who should of settled down in her prime years? Like she can’t win can she? Hahahaha.

 

[Robert28]

Dude it happens to everyone. I’ve dated girls for a year before and they didn’t want to put a label on anything. Fine by me! If they didn’t want to fully commit to me I wasn’t about to be a fool and convince them to do so, I secretly was thinking “fvck yeah! I love this!” and wondered how many guys groveled to them about “but but but I want a relationship with you”. They just made it a whole lot easier on me. Wish I could find more girls that had that mindset but I’ve discovered that it’s the super damaged girls that aren’t wanting to commit cause they don’t know how to take me. I’m so different than what they’ve dated but yet they can’t walk away, they have to stick around because I’m like a drug to them and my personality is something they’ve never experienced before but they can’t get enough of. I’m fine with no labels, I tell them that when they bring it up. No some have gone 180 and changed their mind later on after I agreed that no labels is fine but good majority haven’t.

 

[sazc]

That right there. I don’t get how some guys don’t understand that most women will not hang around forever getting played along.

And so many guys here criticize women for wasting their best years doing just that when they could of settled for a decent guy.

Here we have an example of a women who decided to not waste more of her best years, and a few are crapping on her for that.

What was she supposed to do, waste the next ten years only to give up in her mid 30s where she can then be called a post wall hag who should of settled down in her prime years? Like she can’t win can she? Hahahaha.

Yep!

What I also think is hilarious is that OP admits he strung her along for a very long time and she's the one getting tagged as being hypergamous and not loyal. Fer fvcks sake

 

[AJ84]

It's true that most women won't hang around forever. But we're not here to help the ex-girlfriend. We're here to help the man. So the question isn't "what was she supposed to do." Who cares? It's more about what would he have done - did he really want to commit to her? Doesn't sound like it but only he knows for sure. His actions tell us he didn't want that. In which case he needs support, to avoid self-flagellation that is so common whenever a guy gets dumped and feels like it was all his fault.

You and the other young lady are wasting your breath (fingers, I guess) supporting the ex-gf who is not on this thread and whose prerogatives are not our concern.

Also:



These are one and the same.

I get that and I’m not supporting the ex. I’m replying to the comments about her being cold etc for leaving.

If OP chooses to believe she wasn’t loyal and she’s cold, despite the fact that she treated him well, according to his own words and was loyal (and wanted to marry him so she made it known that she wanted more) and hung in there far longer than most women would have, how is that helping him moving forward?

In any case he already said that he basically strung her along and acknowledged that perhaps she left because he didn’t want to commit, so he knows the reasons why, but still a couple of guys are going on about how cold she is etc. I’m posting in reference to what those guys are saying. I guess I’m trying to send the message to other guys who read this to understand that most women aren’t going to hang around and wait like that and it should be no surprise if they leave, just like most men would leave if they are being strung along by a woman who keeps dangling sex but never gives it.

And I did previously post to him that she’s just one girl who probably wasn’t perfect anyway and he will meet more and be able to move on etc etc.

 

[sazc]

It's true that most women won't hang around forever. But we're not here to help the ex-girlfriend. We're here to help the man. So the question isn't "what was she supposed to do." Who cares? It's more about what would he have done - did he really want to commit to her? Doesn't sound like it but only he knows for sure. His actions tell us he didn't want that. In which case he needs support, to avoid self-flagellation that is so common whenever a guy gets dumped and feels like it was all his fault.

You and the other young lady are wasting your breath (fingers, I guess) supporting the ex-gf who is not on this thread and whose prerogatives are not our concern.

Also:



These are one and the same.

Nobody is trying to help the ex gf, we're just pointing out the utter hypocrisy of it all.

No, she was not hypergamous on him. He stopped contacting her. He tried to $hit test her and he failed. Enough time went by and she started dating again - that's not hypergamy, that's her moving on with her life. How long is she supposed to be a nun so that she's not hypergamous? What's the cutoff? Lol

Just because she found someone who treats her better, and makes her feel like she's trading up, doesn't make her actions hypergamous.

But that's the rationale that always gets thrown around here to justify that it's never the dudes fault.

The only thing that's missing from this thread is a discussion of how emotional she was and how it was her emotions that caused communication to stop between them - and so, again, it's all her fault

 

[sazc]

And it is true - you guys want her to wait on him hand and foot, spend the best years of her life doting on him (which he actually admitted she did) while he refused to commit to her. Then she will turn 28 and you'll start calling her ugly names like 'post wall', hypergamous, riding the **** carousel, non loyal, etc, despite the fact that she was ready willing and able to commit her life to him.

Its all designed to blame shift away from what actually might be the real problem.

That's always the tastiest Kool aid tho, isn't it?

 

[backseatjuan]

Not dating until she was 16 (legal age here in Spain), but she made clear the interest in me when she was 13. I mean that we have a thing (platonic for a while) since she was 13 not that we dated for that period. Not proud about that but I am being honest here with you guys. Also I think she knew more than me even at that age.

I think things are a lot more simpler than you want them to be.
I think if you go back you will get her.
There is just no way she could be over you. I think it would be a good chance to take to try starting something with her. Just as good as anything other chance with anyone else.

 

[AJ84]

Nobody is trying to help the ex gf, we're just pointing out the utter hypocrisy of it all.

No, she was not hypergamous on him. He stopped contacting her. He tried to $hit test her and he failed. Enough time went by and she started dating again - that's not hypergamy, that's her moving on with her life. How long is she supposed to be a nun so that she's not hypergamous? What's the cutoff? Lol

Just because she found someone who treats her better, and makes her feel like she's trading up, doesn't make her actions hypergamous.

But that's the rationale that always gets thrown around here to justify that it's never the dudes fault.

The only thing that's missing from this thread is a discussion of how emotional she was and how it was her emotions that caused communication to stop between them - and so, again, it's all her fault

That’s the thing. A friend of mine was dumped by a guy who she was basically using for money and a few of my friends tried to console her by saying he was a douche bag for leaving her and he didn’t know how good he had it. Hello? She was using him, he finally had enough of it and dumped her azz. How is blaming him for not wanting to be used going to help my friend be accountable for her own actions and how she contributed to him leaving if everyone supports her in placing blame everywhere but where it belongs? If she learns that it’s never her fault, she’ll just keep doing the same crap over and over and ending up with the same results because the common denominator is her and how she treats men, and that’s exactly what is happening now and I and another friend of ours were called out for calling her on her own bs, actually lol.

But OP knows why and a couple of guys here are trying to say it’s her fault. Maybe she did contribute to it, maybe by sticking around as long as she did he assumed that she accepted the status quo. But she did what most women do, and that’s move on when a guy won’t commit. Now I’m not saying she didn’t have someone lined up to branch swing to, because I bet she did. But that’s what many women do, find someone else before leaving so not saying it’s right but it is common and hence why it seems like the change was sudden.

 

[sazc]

@samspade I fully support the efforts to encourage him to move on.

Truth be told, he must have known that she really wasn't that great if he wasn't willing to commit for so long. (Or was that just a way of playing a game by toying with her emotions?)

This is either the situation of 'he didn't realize what he had till it was gone' or he's not really emotionally invested in her, he's simply butthurt because it was easy for her to leave.

If hindsight is showing him that he did care and he made a few mistakes, hopefully he'll learn and grow

 

[AJ84]

I agree that some guys jump to conclusions and blame it all on the the woman. Oh and I forgot that there was a time gap between the breakup and her new guy. I read your line that it's "trading up," which is really the layman's definition of hypergamy. Whatever she perceives as higher value. But if she didn't monkey branch, then she just flat out left him, so I misunderstood.

But I think the greater point is that the men are saying "if she was that great, you wouldn't have let her drift." There is plenty of truth in that. While the females are saying "well she did everything she could and you took her for granted so she bailed." Maybe so. So I think you can see how both sides are coming at it. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle - that she was a dedicated girlfriend, but not what he wanted to commit to...the center couldn't hold. But that doesn't mean it was all his fault and that we should let her off the hook (especially the way she ghosted him). The guy has some Oneitis and the best way to treat that is to avoid the whole "she did everything for you, you pushed her away" routine. In the future, hopefully, the OP will learn to shyt or get off the pot if the woman is pushing for something more committed.

You’re right, perhaps there was a reason he wasn’t committing to her, maybe there were some red flags.

But we are all limited to what he has posted, and he posted that she treated him well and it was he who didn’t want to commit because Of past experiences and he feels that it would kill the chemistry and he feels like he would have to compromise to make her happy.

So maybe there’s something in the compromising part? What would he have to compromise? Did she want him to work less or do less of his hobbies etc?

We don’t know, but he keeps implying that he is the reason why she left. Either he followed some red pill manuals to the letter, to the detriment of being with a girl he actually liked because of some fear that the red pill instilled in him not to like her too much or show or give anything because she will lose attraction (which you know the red pill advises). Or, he didn’t like her as much as she liked him but he really liked how she treated him, but the connection on his part wasn’t there, which happens.

More info would be helpful.

 

[rz11]

I will update as soon as I get home. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond

 

[rz11]

I just got home. First of all, thank you all again for the comments, many of you have opened my eyes, but I do not agree with some of them. I think that in order to understand this case well it is necessary to explain a little more how our relationship was.

The year in which this girl started college we were dating and meeting with some normality, in fact, at that time (5 years ago) we had the label of boyfriend-girlfriend. Before that time things were great, but that year the fact of seeing each other very often made her start to raise the typical doubts that come to women when they have a guy always available. "I don't know if we want the same thing, etc." On many occasions telling me that I didn't give enough of my part, which was completely false.

At that moment we gave ourselves a break in which I was quite hurt. Few months after we got back together and this time I did what she said she wanted: more time together and more commitment from my part. It turns out that this time she treated me badly all year long and she didn't even feel like hanging out with me or having sex until I got tired of the situation and decided to have some self-respect and leave her.

That's when I seriously study relationships, dating, etc. And I was focused on myself. My life improved a lot in all aspects. The next time I saw her she tried to get back together by all means. I agreed because I had and have feelings for this girl, but this time I used my knowledge to make the relationship work for both of us.

During these three years she got tired of repeating that she had never been so in love with someone, that she had never been so happy that I was the man of her life, etc. This did not go unnoticed, even her mother told me "I don't know what you do to her, but thank you very much".

If I didn't have a more serious relationship with her at that time, it was precisely because the time in which I did it was horrible and she treated me like garbage. Maybe I'm not able to keep the attraction in a more engaged relationship, but I didn't play with anyone and I certainly didn't use this girl for sex. In fact, our dates were not to come to my house and fvck, but could be understood as those of a committed relationship: beach, dinner, and so on. The only thing is that maybe I wasn't available as often as she wanted because uncertainty was working very positively in our relationship.

In addition, I want to make it clear that my intention in this relationship was more to give than to receive. For me it would have been much easier to have looked for another more attractive girl and forget the problems if I bothered all this time to be a better man has been to improve the relationship I had with her because I liked to see her in love and happy. I do not think she made that same effort herself.

I also want to make it clear that since I am involved with her I've always received a lot more attention from the opposite sex than her. Practically every week I've had a situation where a girl tried to have something with me and yet I never did anything out of respect for her.

If she is with another guy then great! What bothers me is that she seem to move on like it was nothing. Obviously I've made mistakes, but I'm better because of them and I think this situation will make me better. I am only asking with humility if I could have done something better to do it in the future if I am given a similar circumstance.

Thanks for your support

 

[Spaz]

I just got home. First of all, thank you all again for the comments, many of you have opened my eyes, but I do not agree with some of them. I think that in order to understand this case well it is necessary to explain a little more how our relationship was.

The year in which this girl started college we were dating and meeting with some normality, in fact, at that time (5 years ago) we had the label of boyfriend-girlfriend. Before that time things were great, but that year the fact of seeing each other very often made her start to raise the typical doubts that come to women when they have a guy always available. "I don't know if we want the same thing, etc." On many occasions telling me that I didn't give enough of my part, which was completely false.

At that moment we gave ourselves a break in which I was quite hurt. Few months after we got back together and this time I did what she said she wanted: more time together and more commitment from my part. It turns out that this time she treated me badly all year long and she didn't even feel like hanging out with me or having sex until I got tired of the situation and decided to have some self-respect and leave her.

That's when I seriously study relationships, dating, etc. And I was focused on myself. My life improved a lot in all aspects. The next time I saw her she tried to get back together by all means. I agreed because I had and have feelings for this girl, but this time I used my knowledge to make the relationship work for both of us.

During these three years she got tired of repeating that she had never been so in love with someone, that she had never been so happy that I was the man of her life, etc. This did not go unnoticed, even her mother told me "I don't know what you do to her, but thank you very much".

If I didn't have a more serious relationship with her at that time, it was precisely because the time in which I did it was horrible and she treated me like garbage. Maybe I'm not able to keep the attraction in a more engaged relationship, but I didn't play with anyone and I certainly didn't use this girl for sex. In fact, our dates were not to come to my house and fvck, but could be understood as those of a committed relationship: beach, dinner, and so on. The only thing is that maybe I wasn't available as often as she wanted because uncertainty was working very positively in our relationship.

In addition, I want to make it clear that my intention in this relationship was more to give than to receive. For me it would have been much easier to have looked for another more attractive girl and forget the problems if I bothered all this time to be a better man has been to improve the relationship I had with her because I liked to see her in love and happy. I do not think she made that same effort herself.

I also want to make it clear that since I am involved with her I've always received a lot more attention from the opposite sex than her. Practically every week I've had a situation where a girl tried to have something with me and yet I never did anything out of respect for her.

If she is with another guy then great! What bothers me is that she seem to move on like it was nothing. Obviously I've made mistakes, but I'm better because of them and I think this situation will make me better. I am only asking with humility if I could have done something better to do it in the future if I am given a similar circumstance.

Thanks for your support

Relax.

I already guessed what she did when I 1st posted here, that's why I asked you what's so special about her, it's to self reflect.

Most men come here feeling broken because they were indeed broken from within after being with a girl for many years, part of the feminine imperative is to subconsciously 'train' a man.

And that 'training' involves breaking a man down slowly until he becomes slave - like, with him thinking its part of proving his love.

However once that's achieved, she loses her admiration towards him and ultimately her respect.

Once that's lost, you're lost her love.

Side note: The other posters here that's gunning at you not being great are women who like all women would want to enslave you further.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

You had a woman. Then you learnt game, and then you lost the woman 'cos you wanted to keep your options open. Thank game for that.