One on one

[Brooks]

Hey guys.

So I have a situation. Recently I posted about my girlfriend and I having an almost break up. Came real close. I had started acting needy during the relationship, lost my power, and overly emotional.
Since we had a fight two and a bit weeks ago, I’ve adjusted my behaviour MASSIVELY. So much so my girlfriend has mentioned it on multiple occasions. She’s taken aback. Or relationship is much lighter and more free. But as we know when we adjust behaviour in a major way, we get... tested. She’s been sh!t testing me a lot. I’ve passed all; this I can tell.

But here’s another test which I believe I’m in. Before when we first started dating she had friendzoned some guys who we shall refer to as ‘beta orbiters’. She continually assured me they were just friends and no interest. But at the time I was jealous and possessive. I do believe her now.
There’s this one guy though, who just has not stopped pursuing her: inviting her to BBQs, to festivals, drinks, etc etc.
I read her texts during a fit of compulsion a while back and it’s classic orbiter.. him suggesting hangouts, her saying ‘yea that could work’ and then her bailing last minute or the day of.

Recently he invited her to a BBQ, she said she would see (this is when we just about broke), then last second she said she was busy (she was with me when things bang to look up) so then he said he would reach out when he got back from wherever in a week. That was this Sunday. Monday he messages and invites her to go to see some jazz.. she says maybe, and thinks coffee is better.

Last night comes around and she tells me she’s going to see him for a coffee, but she is also communicating that she’s not really looking forward to it, even earlier last week said he’s kind of a nuisance and doesn’t know how to take the covert hint. Asked me my thoughts on it all.. I told her ‘you how to handle it best’

So today they are going for a coffee. No jazz. She told me this last night in person..
Her:“So I’m seeing Brian tomorrow.. blah blah”
Me: “what are you guys gonna do?”
Her: “just meet up for a coffee when he’s done work. He asked me to go to jazz.. but I’m not doing that with him.. so coffee.. if I even decide to fully commit”
Me: kept doing what I was doing, no response.
—subject change—

Before in the start of us dating I would overtly show my discontent and jealousies with her going one on ones with guys who are just ‘friends’ (but guys who once pursued her who she friendzoned quickly, even if they had just one kiss), to which she would use that as a sign that I was being jealous and possessive.

I do trust her, mostly. But this effing guy CLEARLY likes her and she OBVIOUSLY knows this. She just thinks he’s ‘a nice guy and he’s harmless’. But we all know men.. they are always trying...

And so anytime she’s told me about him recently since after our fight and my behaviour shift, I’ve been totally non reactive. And I think this has taken away some of her power in the manipulation zone in holding this guy around.

But there’s a part of me that thinks wtf is the point!!

Thoughts?
I am a little jealous and insecure about this still.

 

[flowtheory]

Hey guys.

So I have a situation. Recently I posted about my girlfriend and I having an almost break up. Came real close. I had started acting needy during the relationship, lost my power, and overly emotional.
Since we had a fight two and a bit weeks ago, I’ve adjusted my behaviour MASSIVELY. So much so my girlfriend has mentioned it on multiple occasions. She’s taken aback. Or relationship is much lighter and more free. But as we know when we adjust behaviour in a major way, we get... tested. She’s been sh!t testing me a lot. I’ve passed all; this I can tell.

But here’s another test which I believe I’m in. Before when we first started dating she had friendzoned some guys who we shall refer to as ‘beta orbiters’. She continually assured me they were just friends and no interest. But at the time I was jealous and possessive. I do believe her now.
There’s this one guy though, who just has not stopped pursuing her: inviting her to BBQs, to festivals, drinks, etc etc.
I read her texts during a fit of compulsion a while back and it’s classic orbiter.. him suggesting hangouts, her saying ‘yea that could work’ and then her bailing last minute or the day of.

Recently he invited her to a BBQ, she said she would see (this is when we just about broke), then last second she said she was busy (she was with me when things bang to look up) so then he said he would reach out when he got back from wherever in a week. That was this Sunday. Monday he messages and invites her to go to see some jazz.. she says maybe, and thinks coffee is better.

Last night comes around and she tells me she’s going to see him for a coffee, but she is also communicating that she’s not really looking forward to it, even earlier last week said he’s kind of a nuisance and doesn’t know how to take the covert hint. Asked me my thoughts on it all.. I told her ‘you how to handle it best’

So today they are going for a coffee. No jazz. She told me this last night in person..
Her:“So I’m seeing Brian tomorrow.. blah blah”
Me: “what are you guys gonna do?”
Her: “just meet up for a coffee when he’s done work. He asked me to go to jazz.. but I’m not doing that with him.. so coffee.. if I even decide to fully commit”
Me: kept doing what I was doing, no response.
—subject change—

Before in the start of us dating I would overtly show my discontent and jealousies with her going one on ones with guys who are just ‘friends’ (but guys who once pursued her who she friendzoned quickly, even if they had just one kiss), to which she would use that as a sign that I was being jealous and possessive.

I do trust her, mostly. But this effing guy CLEARLY likes her and she OBVIOUSLY knows this. She just thinks he’s ‘a nice guy and he’s harmless’. But we all know men.. they are always trying...

And so anytime she’s told me about him recently since after our fight and my behaviour shift, I’ve been totally non reactive. And I think this has taken away some of her power in the manipulation zone in holding this guy around.

But there’s a part of me that thinks wtf is the point!!

Thoughts?
I am a little jealous and insecure about this still.

Sounds like she’s re-testing you with the orbiter. If you truly have made a sudden shift in your behaviour, she’s going to be skeptical that you’re actually different. Women are always testing their men if there’s a change.

If the orbiter made you highly emotional before where you came off jealous or concerned overtly, she’s going to use that tactic again to see how you respond or get an emotional rise out of you.

You say she’s tested you a bunch since you almost broke up. If you’ve passed these as you say you have, that means she’s not getting the same dramatic attention she was before which could be a blow in a weird way to her attention wh0ring validation desire. She’s pulling out all the stops now.

Positive: she won’t do those tests much, or at all anymore; for the next while anyways. She may throw one in intermittently to see if your still in your masculine frame. But they test to see if they can trust your core. On one hand she’s bummed because she doesn’t get that dramatic toxic attention, and on the other she’s really happy because you’re not acting needy or taking value from the relationship.

So if you were non reactive to this coffee situation, and she’s not getting the normal jealous response she thought she would.. I would say don’t fret. Sounds like she attempted a lot of overt stoking to get a rise out of you, and failed. Which is what both of you actually want.

If she was actually interested in him or planning to monkey branch, she wouldn’t tell you she’s going for a coffee with someone.

 

[Brooks]

Solid. Thankyou

When I see her again should I ask her how the coffee was and play it off like I don’t care? Because I would normally ask her how it was to see one of her normal friends.

Also. We don’t yet have plans this weekend. Should I initiate this?

Thanks again

 

[flowtheory]

When I see her again should I ask her how the coffee was and play it off like I don’t care?

No. If you don’t approve of this guy and know the scenerio he’s playing at, or even your girl, don’t even pay any attention. That means don’t ask how it was, otherwise you sound like one of her girlfriends.
If you ask her how it was she will know you were thinking about it.
If she brings it up, just listen, assimilate the information, then change the topic.
Silence is how you feel. It’s a subtle and light form of reproach.

Also. We don’t yet have plans this weekend. Should I initiate this?

Live your life. Let her reach out. When she does, you can make a plan then or wait for her to. If she doesn’t, live your life until you feel desire to make a plan.

 

[Brooks]

Thanks @flowtheory! Really like your advice around the forum. I’ll give this a go.

I would like to hear from some of the women on the forum.. @SeekerOfTheWay ? @sazc ?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Do you ever go and hang out with attractive women one on one and let your GF know about it?

 

[Brooks]

Do you ever go and hang out with attractive women one on one and let your GF know about it?

Yea I went to coffee with a girl from my class once who needed help with her resume, and I told her about it. She got pretty uneasy about it all

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Well there are several ways of handling this in my book. How you do it depends on you and her and how long you've been together and what type of relationship you have.

I personally don't think it's bad to communicate to your GF (if you are exclusive) that you aren't comfortable with her going on dates with other guys. Yes it's a date because it's one on one with a member of the opposite sex. You can remind her about how she reacted when you did it in the past with a girl. The trick here is, you can't get upset, you can't get insecure, frustrated, etc. If you go this route, you must tell her it's not ok and if she does it, you'll walk, and you need to mean it. But, this approach isn't right for everyone and every situation. If I really trusted my girl and didn't feel any issues with the guy, I wouldn't take this approach.

If you don't want to draw a line like that, and she insists on seeing other guys like this, then I personally would start doing the same thing. I'd withdraw from her a bit, become more focused on hanging out with my friends, going to parties, and seeing my platonic female friends 1:1. I might even start actively dating again, depending on how I felt about her and her response to all this. It is to begin the process of moving on, and proving to both you and her that you are capable of doing this if the need arises. That's very important.

 

[Brooks]

I personally don't think it's bad to communicate to your GF (if you are exclusive) that you aren't comfortable with her going on dates with other guys. Yes it's a date because it's one on one with a member of the opposite sex. You can remind her about how she reacted when you did it in the past with a girl. The trick here is, you can't get upset, you can't get insecure, frustrated, etc. If you go this route, you must tell her it's not ok and if she does it, you'll walk, and you need to mean it. But, this approach isn't right for everyone and every situation. If I really trusted my girl and didn't feel any issues with the guy, I wouldn't take this approach.

Well I don’t know if this approach would be the best. Because I did do it the day we almost broke up. And she kept bringing up the time I went to coffee with that girl twice. I had trust issues in the beginning of our relationship and was slightly possessive and uncomfortable with some things.
And so when we decided not to fully end it, I told her I would trust her 100% from now on because I saw what mistrust was doing to us.

We talked a bit further and we said we have to trust our own moral guidelines of what’s right and what’s not. Because not being able to do what we really want is suffocating and we didn’t want to have those ropes around each other. And trust is such a integral part of a relationship. She said she wouldn’t ever entertain someone if she knew there was attraction, and hoped I wouldn’t either.
I think having the hard line like this stated above would turn her off greatly. And it would seem like I’m threatened which would then suggest I’m weak and unsure of my own value.

I might even start actively dating again, depending on how I felt about her and her response to all this. It is to begin the process of moving on, and proving to both you and her that you are capable of doing this if the need arises. That's very important.

That’s intense.
If she kept going one on ones I would be uncomfortable. Because I don’t really see the need if it’s just friendships.. the coffee I had with the girl was related to my chosen profession; yes still personal but acquaintances through a professional avenue.

The guy she is going to coffee with today is someone she met on tinder who she friendzoned before she had met me. Hes apparently a nice guy though...

Just after all my behaviour shift and getting things to a light and fun space, it seems like a bad idea to start what could be a new fight, which would be about trust, in such a fragile state.

Maybe I should just not worry about this and let it go. But if she insists on seeing this guy regularly, assert myself and say I want to meet him or something. Because who wants to worry about gf’s going one on one?
Do women do this often in relationships? It seems odd to me

 

[flowtheory]

Do women do this often in relationships? It seems odd to me

If she did it all the time, I would have my doubts about her character and what she was playing at.

It sounds like when she has done it, she’s been uncertain about YOUR relationship. Or she’s using him as a vessel to guage how YOU react.
It could also be a soft ‘friendly’ way of seeing how she feels one-on-one with a guy who isn’t you, because I can’t imagine women using their spare time to go one-on-one with a guy who isn’t really that close to them. I would imagine she would rather be with a close friend, or her boyfriend.

Don’t let the above rattle you or spin yourself crazy though. This is what emotional control is. Be impervious to these scenarios. And if it does really bother you in the future, voice it and set a boundary stating the one on ones are too close for comfort.
Do what I said in my post above and let her show you her cards.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

That’s intense

Why? It sounds like this may have been exactly what she was doing to you. How would she feel if you were hanging out with women you met on Tinder who still keep asking to see you but who you claim you friend-zoned. Within weeks of leaving me, my ex wife got with a guy I thought she friend-zoned over six years prior.

I don't know your situation with her but from what you say above, you seem a lot more worried about her feelings than yours, to the point of imbalance. You say the relationship and trust are so fragile that you don't want to rock the boat yet she's going out 1:1 with a guy she met on Tinder? It's ok for her to go out 1:1 with a guy but you can't go out 1:1 with a girl out of fear you'll lose your GF? Does she care as much about your relationship as you do? Doesn't sound like it. This is the problem with getting an ex back or repairing very broken relationships..... One person wants it a lot more than the other and the other knows it. This is where the tests come from. You need to restore balance. Or just realize she's not relationship material for you.

 

[Brooks]

How would she feel if you were hanging out with women you met on Tinder who still keep asking to see you but who you claim you friend-zoned.

Not good I bet!

You say the relationship and trust are so fragile that you don't want to rock the boat yet she's going out 1:1 with a guy she met on Tinder?

Okay. She’s already told me he’s just a friend. And every time he has reached out she has told me so. She’s always kept me in the loop. That must say something about how she feels about her and I.
Plus, let’s not forget all the sh!t tests she’s been throwing my way lately. This is what seems like 1 more. Because she was even saying last night in person she was apprehensive about even meeting up with him. So clearly she doesn’t even have a true push to hangout with him. He suggested jazz, she said coffee. That says something.

Does she care as much about your relationship as you do?

No I don’t think so. She almost broke up with me. I’ve told her I love her. She hasn’t said it yet.
It’s difficult. But there are a ton of great aspects to what we have. A lot of her actions do communicate love. But then there are some days where she’s distant.

repairing very broken relationships

We’re not very broken.. we almost did. But emotions were all over the place. I had lost my masculine core and was acting quite needy and heavily in my feminine.

You need to restore balance.

This is what I’ve been working on heavily the last two weeks and things have improved majorly in lots of aspects. It will take time. What do you personally mean by restore balance?

Thanks for your insights

 

[Brooks]

@stormrider

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Because she was even saying last night in person she was apprehensive about even meeting up with him. So clearly she doesn’t even have a true push to hangout with him. He suggested jazz, she said coffee. That says something.

You are making excuses for her. She's hanging out with him because she actually wants to. You choose to believe her excuse of "obligation" because it best suits your desire for her to not want to see him. She has zero obligations to this guy... The only thing making her go see him is her own DESIRE to do so. She wants to do it. If she didn't she wouldn't. Just because she doesn't want to commit to a full jazz concert doesn't mean she doesn't want to see him. It seems her interest in him is low, but it's there. I agree with FlowTheory that she's probably spending time with him testing to see how she feels with another guy. If he made her tingly (unlikely but possible) then who knows what she'd do?

What do you personally mean by restore balance?

I mean getting to a point where you are both close to equally invested. Right now you are far more invested than her and she knows it which explains her behavior.

 

[Spaz]

All this psychoanalysis on what she does or think, this shiet test or that shiet test is a waste of time.

Each time you think of shiet test and passing her test puts you in the wrong frame of mind.

The more you think of it the more it molds you into the feminine imperative.

You are playing by their rule book - the feminine frame, with her leading and you the follower, a mere passenger.

Ur girlfriend should be playing within the masculine frame.

It is she who should be passing ur test.

It is she who should meet ur standards.

And it is you as a man who must step up and take the leadership role in a relationship.

Now with this mindset, what is the proper response when ur girl talks about meeting an orbiter?

Edit: You should think of a response that will yield no further nonsensical ideas from her on this issue.

 

[sazc]

My advice is to listen to what all the men on this forum are telling you. I'm sure I won't have anything original to contribute. I'm betting they've said what I would also say

 

[RangerMIke]

All this psychoanalysis on what she does or think, this shiet test or that shiet test is a waste of time.

This. The dude that is pursuing her is a clueless dolt. A real man would have forgotten about her and moved on. It's not you or her, it's dumb@ss. He is not competition and you don't need to worry about it.

Just fvcking ignore it, if she brings it up tell her it's her problem not yours then ask her if she wants you to offer advice on how to handle it, if she says yes, then suggest she just make it clear she isn't interested and tell him she will not agree to meet up with him. If she says no she just venting, then just don't pay attention, go ahead and listen but do not react to it AT ALL.

Chicks love drama, don't get sucked into stupid drama, let her have these drama based conversations with her chick friends so they can sit around a cackle like hens about his orbiter. If you start responding to stupid @ss drama, you are acting like a chick... which will fvck up male-female polarity.

Bottom-line if a chick wants to cheat on you she will... you can not stop this. Since there really is nothing you can do to prevent it, it's pointless worrying about it.

 

[Brooks]

Ur girlfriend should be playing within the masculine frame.

It is she who should be passing ur test.

It is she who should meet ur standards

What tests can a man give?

Playing within the masculine frame? Meaning the boundaries I set?

Now with this mindset, what is the proper response when ur girl talks about meeting an orbiter?

Probably not responding at all, like I did.

 

[Brooks]

This. The dude that is pursuing her is a clueless dolt. A real man would have forgotten about her and moved on. It's not you or her, it's dumb@ss. He is not competition and you don't need to worry about it.

Then why would she entertain her time and attention to him?

Chicks love drama, don't get sucked into stupid drama, let her have these drama

I don’t understand the reasoning why a woman would attempting possibly getting her man to start tripping out? What’s actually the point to make him be wary to trust her choices?

Bottom-line if a chick wants to cheat on you she will... you can not stop this. Since there really is nothing you can do to prevent it, it's pointless worrying about it.

That is actually really true.

 

[Brooks]

You are making excuses for her. She's hanging out with him because she actually wants to. You choose to believe her excuse of "obligation" because it best suits your desire for her to not want to see him.

I get what you’re saying. 100%. And this is what makes me nervous.

Its weird though, because she’s been drowning in about how he messsges her and how she really doesn’t want to hangout with him for about two weeks now.
This is why I think it’s a test. Because why bring it up?
And if she had interest in him actually.. she wouldn’t be talking about him to me.

I agree with FlowTheory that she's probably spending time with him testing to see how she feels with another guy. If he made her tingly (unlikely but possible) then who knows what she'd do?

This makes me want to vomit

I mean getting to a point where you are both close to equally invested. Right now you are far more invested than her and she knows it which explains her behavior.

How would you suggest to get her more invested? Should I just pursue less? Plan less dates? Let her take the reigns a bit more?