Conflicted, two girlfriends which to choose?

[jnMissouri]

I've been in a relationship with girl A for 10 years. She's not as hot as she was in her 20's when we first met but she has been a great girlfriend. Always home, cooks and cleans for me, buys me gifts, takes me on trips for birthdays even though she doesn't make much money, listens to me when I ask her to work on something or not do do something, stable job with ok pay.

I've had affairs starting 3-4 years into that relationship, never intended to, got bored in the relationship. Usually I cut them loose after 3 months or so when the side pieces start to get serious. This time I fell for one, girl B. We've been dating 8 months now, love each other, we're also in a relationship and she knows about girl A, she suspected it from the beginning and made me come clean, but still stayed, etc. She went to visit her family and is on her way back (long story) as I type this. She will arrive Monday. I have a cabin booked for us to have sex, spend time together, talk things out. She is more attractive and more my type physically than girl A above, and I trust her, BUT...she has been flakey the last few months. Her life is a mess, divorces galore, a minor criminal record although she could have been busted for far worse, kids her parents take care of for her now, no career, no money etc. She's just not going to be able to do the gifts and the like that girl A can. Although she excites me and the sex is amazing, I worry about the little things that add up and make a relationship and whether or not I'm making a mistake letting girl A go so that this one can move in, because like I said, girl A would do ANYTHING for me, has always been there for me, I just don't love or feel attracted to her anymore I think. Girl B is starting to do some of the stuff she said she would do for me (she also says she would do anything for me but just recently started to show it after I went no contact and walked away when I called her on her talking a lot but not backing it up with actions).

To some extent I suppose if things don't work out with girl B, due to the 10 year relationship with girl A I figure we can reconcile and get back together. Then again there is another option in that I have another girl we'll call girl C that is coming to see me (she's on the other side of the state). Younger than girls A or B, hot, stable, has a job, seems like a great catch. So in a way I realize if things don't work out with girl B, life goes on. I just wonder if girl A is my once in a lifetime girl that is a great girlfriend and I'm making a mistake. I also don't want to break her heart and hurt her because this will crush her. That said, I feel like we are mostly room mates. Often times I want to talk to girl A about problems with girl B as if girl A is my friend not my girlfriend.

So what to do? Girl B will be here Monday. We'll be staying in a cabin for a few days then I'm going to get her some long term accommodations while I have girl A move out so that girl B can move in. Her sister is waiting on an outcome, worries I'm going to throw her to the wolves and hounds me about it. Worst case scenario, I decide to stay with girl A and pay for girl B's accommodations for a month or two until she's on her feet on her own or I pay to send her back to her parents and break girl B's heart. At least that's my take on it. I'm really conflicted. I was so sure until she started driving back here and the closer she gets the more nervous I get about making the wrong decision. In some ways getting kills wanting. That said, I view relationships as temporary anyways, nothing lasts forever.

 

[AJ84]

“She is more attractive and more my type physically than girl A above”.

How much more important is this to you, over everything else that’s a clear red flag with girl b?

As an aside, for all the guys here who say women dump good men for criminals and thugs, because that’s what illogical emotional driven women do, here we have a guy basically considering dumping what he himself describes as a good woman who does anything for him, for a hotter girl with issues and lots of baggage. Penis logic is just as flawed as those crazy female emotions eh?

So it’s not just women who have the potential to leave good men for something worse just because the guy gives her tingles.

And before any guys here try to hamster this into some self serving bs. No. Cheating on a good person who trusts you and is good to you is a d**k move, man or women, don’t bother trying to hamster it withbbiological mumbo jumbo. Only idiots buy those excuses.

But back to you. Clearly you only have one foot in the door with this good woman you described, who is being thanked for her loyalty and good behaviour by being betrayed with your cheating. So perhaps deep down you are not truly wanting to be fully committed to girl A anyway and deep down inside you want to play the field.


If you dump her for girl b, welcome to girl b’s train wreck. After the new car smell wears off of her you will be stuck with all the other crap you are probably ignoring now, because she’s making you tingle and it’s exciting. Also hope you wearing protection because girl b, who can’t even raise the kids she has, may get knocked again, then you’re on the hook for that.

Honestly, if you are no longer feeling it for girl A, cut her loose so she can meet a man who will appreciate what she has to offer, don’t waste her life, I’m sure you wouldn’t want her wasting yours.

But if you’re going to leave her for another women at least leave her for a woman who is more sorted out than girl B.

 

[jnMissouri]

“She is more attractive and more my type physically than girl A above”.

How much more important is this to you, over everything else that’s a clear red flag with girl b?

As an aside, for all the guys here who say women dump good men for criminals and thugs, because that’s what illogical emotional driven women do, here we have a guy basically considering dumping what he himself describes as a good woman who does anything for him, for a hotter girl with issues and lots of baggage. Penis logic is just as flawed as those crazy female emotions eh?

So it’s not just women who have the potential to leave good men for something worse just because the guy gives her tingles.

And before any guys here try to hamster this into some self serving bs. No. Cheating on a good person who trusts you and is good to you is a d**k move, man or women, don’t bother trying to hamster it withbbiological mumbo jumbo. Only idiots buy those excuses.

But back to you. Clearly you only have one foot in the door with this good woman you described, who is being thanked for her loyalty and good behaviour by being betrayed with your cheating. So perhaps deep down you are not truly wanting to be fully committed to girl A anyway and deep down inside you want to play the field.


If you dump her for girl b, welcome to girl b’s train wreck. After the new car smell wears off of her you will be stuck with all the other crap you are probably ignoring now, because she’s making you tingle and it’s exciting. Also hope you wearing protection because girl b, who can’t even raise the kids she has, may get knocked again, then you’re on the hook for that.

Honestly, if you are no longer feeling it for girl A, cut her loose so she can meet a man who will appreciate what she has to offer, don’t waste her life, I’m sure you wouldn’t want her wasting yours.

But if you’re going to leave her for another women at least leave her for a woman who is more sorted out than girl B.

I hear ya, the thought has crossed my mind before. Which is why I'm hesitant and posting. That said, understand girl A was no angel before I met her. She was married, her husband had multiple affairs, she had an affair and got pregnant during that affair and had an abortion (thank God). I was originally hesitant to get into a relationship with her as a result. But she's been fine. A little too much eye contact and electricity with guys who are her type when we are out, but I seriously doubt she's ever cheated, she's always where she says she is or home, verified.

I posted about this on another forum years ago in another long term relationship situation that eventually ended (by that girls choice) even though I had thought about ending it for a long time to play the field because I was bored with the relationship. Same thing here. But at the same time, I realize I may never find another good woman like this ever again. Yet that desire to play the field and further my skills in dating is still there. I'm a nomad, an adventurer. But I also want that stable woman. Two conflicting desires.

 

[AJ84]

I hear ya, the thought has crossed my mind before. Which is why I'm hesitant and posting. That said, understand girl A was no angel before I met her. She was married, her husband had multiple affairs, she had an affair and got pregnant during that affair and had an abortion (thank God). I was originally hesitant to get into a relationship with her as a result. But she's been fine. A little too much eye contact and electricity with guys who are her type when we are out, but I seriously doubt she's ever cheated, she's always where she says she is or home, verified.

I posted about this on another forum years ago in another long term relationship situation that eventually ended (by that girls choice) even though I had thought about ending it for a long time to play the field because I was bored with the relationship. Same thing here. But at the same time, I realize I may never find another good woman like this ever again. Yet that desire to play the field and further my skills in dating is still there. I'm a nomad, an adventurer. But I also want that stable woman. Two conflicting desires.

It’s not uncommon to have those feelings. Women can get bored too lol. You seem to value her for what she brings to the relationship and you don’t want to loose that, understandable, but you also said it’s like the both of you are roommates. Perhaps this is more of what they call companion love, which is of some value in all relationships. Passionate love tends to become companion love after a while in most long term relationships. It’s been 10 yrs and that’s a long time. That’s the time to mix it up, go on different dates, learn new things together, try new things sexually. However, if you have already done those things and still you really crave having more women to the point where you are cheating, perhaps explore an open relationship with her (both ways I mean, only fair) and see if that may work, if you really want to keep her but sleep with other women too, I mean. Maybe she feels like it’s a roommate situation for her too and may be open to that. Do some research on it first (not here, on an actual open relationship site with couples who do this) see what they say about it.

It’s not for everyone, but you said you don’t want to hurt her and cheating is doing that, and I imagine it’s not always fun having to sneak around and over your tracks either.

 

[sazc]

Girl B for the win!

 

[jnMissouri]

Girl B for the win!

Are you being sarcastic?

 

[sazc]

Are you being sarcastic?

Nope. You said she does it for you, why not?

 

[jnMissouri]

It’s not uncommon to have those feelings. Women can get bored too lol. You seem to value her for what she brings to the relationship and you don’t want to loose that, understandable, but you also said it’s like the both of you are roommates. Perhaps this is more of what they call companion love, which is of some value in all relationships. Passionate love tends to become companion love after a while in most long term relationships. It’s been 10 yrs and that’s a long time. That’s the time to mix it up, go on different dates, learn new things together, try new things sexually. However, if you have already done those things and still you really crave having more women to the point where you are cheating, perhaps explore an open relationship with her (both ways I mean, only fair) and see if that may work, if you really want to keep her but sleep with other women too, I mean. Maybe she feels like it’s a roommate situation for her too and may be open to that. Do some research on it first (not here, on an actual open relationship site with couples who do this) see what they say about it.

It’s not for everyone, but you said you don’t want to hurt her and cheating is doing that, and I imagine it’s not always fun having to sneak around and over your tracks either.

Funny you mention this, I was going to post a follow up to consider that girl A and I are basically room mates. We've tried the different dates. Traveled the world together. Still the same. I know I can count on her ALWAYS. That's why I have stayed. Girl B I can count on 95% of the time so far. But she might be improving. I did not give into her ultimatums, told her she lost that chance when I already did what she asked and still she went the other direction. When she told me new terms I went no contact and by day 3 her final text was ok you win, we'll do things your way. I told her my new terms and she's doing it.

 

[jnMissouri]

Nope. You said she does it for you, why not?

Ok, so one for girl B.

 

[AJ84]

Funny you mention this, I was going to post a follow up to consider that girl A and I are basically room mates. We've tried the different dates. Traveled the world together. Still the same. I know I can count on her ALWAYS. That's why I have stayed. Girl B I can count on 95% of the time so far. But she might be improving. I did not give into her ultimatums, told her she lost that chance when I already did what she asked and still she went the other direction. When she told me new terms I went no contact and by day 3 her final text was ok you win, we'll do things your way. I told her my new terms and she's doing it.

Don’t waste anymore of girl A’s time then, if you’re not really into her. I’m sure you would not like it if she kept you around because you did things for her, while she messed around with other guys.

You know what every guy here would say if that was the case.

I know it looks like I’m judging you, you’re human, did some stuff that I’m sure you wouldn’t want done to you, now you have an opportunity to do the right thing and not waste the time of a good person who by your words is good to you.

If you want girl b go for it but don’t try to fix her issues, she needs to sort her crap out like an adult. While it may seem nice when she says she’ll do it your way, by going along with your lead, she may try to use that to get you to invest in fixing her life so be mindful of how much you ask of her because she may use it to manipulate you. Women in needy situations tend to be more agreeable if they think they can get a guy to support them.

 

[jnMissouri]

Don’t waste anymore of girl A’s time then, if you’re not really into her. I’m sure you would not like it if she kept you around because you did things for her, while she messed around with other guys.

You know what every guy here would say if that was the case.

I know it looks like I’m judging you, you’re human, did some stuff that I’m sure you wouldn’t want done to you, now you have an opportunity to do the right thing and not waste the time of a good person who by your words is good to you.

If you want girl b go for it but don’t try to fix her issues, she needs to sort her crap out like an adult. While it may seem nice when she says she’ll do it your way, by going along with your lead, she may try to use that to get you to invest in fixing her life so be mindful of how much you ask of her because she may use it to manipulate you. Women in needy situations tend to be more agreeable if they think they can get a guy to support them.

She refused even a gift card when I said I was sorry for an argument. She wont accept money from me, even when I offered to fly her back she said she would get it from her sister and I've never been that guy really, only offered to fly her back so that she's here again. Even when she was here we'd have sex then a drink or two sent her home. Never even dinner. Point taken though.

 

[sazc]

CLASSIC example of a dude looking for his Disney princess....

 

[speed dawg]

Geez. jnMissouri must be the reincarnation of backbreaker. Just repeatedly stupid decision-making.

You simply can't fix it, people.

 

[jnMissouri]

10 years!? I seriously think you should let that one go.

Why?

 

[zekko]

As an aside, for all the guys here who say women dump good men for criminals and thugs, because that’s what illogical emotional driven women do, here we have a guy basically considering dumping what he himself describes as a good woman who does anything for him, for a hotter girl with issues and lots of baggage. Penis logic is just as flawed as those crazy female emotions eh?

So it’s not just women who have the potential to leave good men for something worse just because the guy gives her tingles.

You hit the nail on the head there, AJ.

 

[Epic Days]

Ok, so one for girl B.

Remember that girl B will become girl A eventually and when the chemicals calm down there will be a new girl B.

Women operate solely on chemicals from her endocrine system to sustain desire. Men do to but we have a more creative functionality towards these things.
A man can have everything she needs but she still only want to be his roommate after she levels out. He will eventually be rationed sex. Not as an evilness. But because she’s not feeling it but still doesn’t want to bounce.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Missouri,
For sure this sort of thing happens,particularly if you spin plates,there is no solution,luckily No Kids involved so could be worse...I have been there twice,just be careful you don't lose both,that is more than likely just a matter of time anyway....You are not the first,there was an apt Song my Mother used to sing called "Riptide".
Life was as calm as a summer sea
Where silver moonlight beams
And then a new love beckoned me
Wrecking the ship of my dreams
Riptide caught in a riptide, torn between two loves
The old and the new
Riptide lost in a riptide
Where will it take me what shall I do?
My heart is tossed on a sea of emotion
One love offers romance
The other devotion
A new love is calling
The old love is pleading
I'm caught in a riptide what shall I do?

 

[Jager]

Dear Missouri,
For sure this sort of thing happens,particularly if you spin plates,there is no solution,luckily No Kids involved so could be worse...I have been there twice,just be careful you don't lose both,that is more than likely just a matter of time anyway....You are not the first,there was an apt Song my Mother used to sing called "Riptide".
Life was as calm as a summer sea
Where silver moonlight beams
And then a new love beckoned me
Wrecking the ship of my dreams
Riptide caught in a riptide, torn between two loves
The old and the new
Riptide lost in a riptide
Where will it take me what shall I do?
My heart is tossed on a sea of emotion
One love offers romance
The other devotion
A new love is calling
The old love is pleading
I'm caught in a riptide what shall I do?

The beauty about plate spinning is that it doesn’t matter if they both leave. He can just find more to replace them.

 

[Jager]

Remember that girl B will become girl A eventually and when the chemicals calm down there will be a new girl B.

Women operate solely on chemicals from her endocrine system to sustain desire. Men do to but we have a more creative functionality towards these things.
A man can have everything she needs but she still only want to be his roommate after she levels out. He will eventually be rationed sex. Not as an evilness. But because she’s not feeling it but still doesn’t want to bounce.

Evidence that relationships aren't even biologically natural, and predisposed to stagnation.

 

[xplt]

i‘ve been in that situation two times, but without cheating. i only acted by the first time and dumped a for b. going to a rebound won‘t do anything for you. the second time i fell for a girl while i was already in a ltr i didn‘t act on my feelings, let them fade and tried to argument with logic for myself. overcoming this and let madame b go out of my mind was a good ego boost for me, but i‘m seeing b nearly everyday and that wasn‘t easy...