Wife left (3 month update)

[mrgoodstuff]

It wasn't really distraction or trying to stay busy to avoid overthinking. I was just simply exhausted and my mind just ran out of things to think about. The last thing I thought was "I'm not gonna kill myself so if this is life, then so be it" as I was laying on my bed doing nothing. My next thought was "now what?" and then my mental state mysteriously went from bottom to top. It was a good experience, but for sure very bizarre to have a 6 month depression wiped nearly instantly. On top of that I did literally nothing, yet so many people spend such a long time fighting it to no avail.

I tried distracting myself plenty, to stay busy, but reality was just as bleak when I did that. At moments it helped temporarily, but the depression never really went away before I fully accepted it.

Yep sometimes you gotta just get thru the thoughts. Fvcking a new woman you liked and felt safe with wouldve gotten you thru that section quickly too.

 

[In2theGame]

Three years sounds about right. There needs to be a manual for recovering after a divorce and building a good life and a successful dating life.

Yeah, again it does depend on the length and the emotional bond the two had but it's for sure no easy time for any Man when something like this happens out of the blue (To his knowledge because Women plan breakups most of the time). There's just no way around it, You have to go through the treacherous emotional ups and downs that come afterwards. You can supplement it with drugs like Xanax, Alcohol or similar but that's definitely not recommended.

Even if you do get your c*ck wet from other Women in the meantime, it helps for a short period of time but ultimately, what I call, the black cloud, follows you everywhere and anywhere you go. It's hard to explain but its like this emotional feeling constantly in your gut. You'll even feel OK at times but then it comes back when you are alone. Hanging out with friends and staying active is very important during this stage or else you will feel like complete sh*t all day.

Some of the advice he will receive will be along the lines of "Just Move On" or "Try not to think about it so much" but thats like breaking your leg and someone telling you to just "Walk it off" or "Try not to think of your broken leg so much it'll be fine" lol. Big emotional impacts are like really bad injuries except they aren't physical, They are emotional, mental and maybe even spiritual wounds. You may not be able to see the wound but you can sure as hell feel it.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Oh man, that paints a pretty dismal picture of your current state. I consider psych meds to be a last resort, but dude, you are unemployed, totally alone, depressed, and have no social circle. I strongly suggest trying some meds to get you over the hump. Call a doc, make an appointment. It will help you awaken, shake off the depression, see and BELIEVE things are not as bad as they feel, and that will give you the drive and motivation to start taking action to fix your situation.

After my divorce, I had no social circle either because I got all my social needs met from my wife. Bad move on my part. After discovering red pill, I have realized what a mistake that was. It took my three years and moving from the burbs back to the city, but i now have a huge group of friends, most of whom are 26-33, despite my being 43. So it can be done, and you'll know for next time to never let your social life fail you or replace it with your girl. That's a big part of why you are so down now. You put your identity into your relationship. I did the same thing.

My advice, in order. See a doc and get on some meds. Get a job. Rebuild your social life. Date when you FEEL like it.

 

[Spaz]

And why again must medication be a cure for a divorce ?

I thought we r here to teach men how to endure hardships and come out of it stronger mentally - wiser.

Please teach me more abt medication.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

And why again must medication be a cure for a divorce ?

Two Straw-mans in one sentence.
1. Medication is not the cure for divorce.
2. Medication is not a cure for depression.

Medication can provide temporary assistance in climbing out of depression that one has been unable to escape and has caused them to lose their job and not be able to get out of bed in the morning. It can prevent suicide. I just lost a friend to suicide and would have preferred she tried medication instead of simply trying to tough it out, as you suggest, and then finally succumbing to it and choosing to end her life. Maybe if she found the right anonymous internet forum, that would have fixed her?

I thought we r here to teach men how to endure hardships and come out of it stronger mentally - wiser.

This is an anonymous internet forum, filled with a mix of opinions, some smart people, and some total crazies. This forum can help people a lot. But to say someone who is so deep in depression that they are unable to work and have no friends should rely on this forum and not turn to a professional is irresponsible and just foolish in my opinion. But you are certainly entitled to your own opinion.

 

[ariesc]

You gotta man up. Your self worth, your masculinity and your motivation was tied up in her and your relationship. Its not attractive. Man needs to be internally validated meaning your confidence, self worth, motivation and your masculinity are defined by you and your high self worth. "Motion creates emotion". Movement will cause your motivation to rise. Set some goals and personal improvement tasks amd start to pursue them. As you focus on them your confidence will rise. You need to focus on yoyr goals and desires and take attention away from things that cause pain and misery. Or alternatively youcan wallow in this misery for the rest of your life. The choice is yours.

There's alot of pain in those situation. The refocused attention and energy represents alot of drive power and control conversly. Appreciate the negative. Focus on the positive.

Thanks

Yeah, again it does depend on the length and the emotional bond the two had but it's for sure no easy time for any Man when something like this happens out of the blue (To his knowledge because Women plan breakups most of the time). There's just no way around it, You have to go through the treacherous emotional ups and downs that come afterwards. You can supplement it with drugs like Xanax, Alcohol or similar but that's definitely not recommended.

Even if you do get your c*ck wet from other Women in the meantime, it helps for a short period of time but ultimately, what I call, the black cloud, follows you everywhere and anywhere you go. It's hard to explain but its like this emotional feeling constantly in your gut. You'll even feel OK at times but then it comes back when you are alone. Hanging out with friends and staying active is very important during this stage or else you will feel like complete sh*t all day.

Some of the advice he will receive will be along the lines of "Just Move On" or "Try not to think about it so much" but thats like breaking your leg and someone telling you to just "Walk it off" or "Try not to think of your broken leg so much it'll be fine" lol. Big emotional impacts are like really bad injuries except they aren't physical, They are emotional, mental and maybe even spiritual wounds. You may not be able to see the wound but you can sure as hell feel it.

That's hilarious. I literally used that analogy the other day when a friend told me "you need to just keep your mind busy, you'll be fine..." It's easy for people to say that when they aren't in the trenches. Hell, I probably would have said the same damn thing, but once you're in it... it's a whole different experience. But I'm staying as positive as I can be.

 

[Spaz]

Two Straw-mans in one sentence.
1. Medication is not the cure for divorce.
2. Medication is not a cure for depression.

Medication can provide temporary assistance in climbing out of depression that one has been unable to escape and has caused them to lose their job and not be able to get out of bed in the morning. It can prevent suicide. I just lost a friend to suicide and would have preferred she tried medication instead of simply trying to tough it out, as you suggest, and then finally succumbing to it and choosing to end her life. Maybe if she found the right anonymous internet forum, that would have fixed her?



This is an anonymous internet forum, filled with a mix of opinions, some smart people, and some total crazies. This forum can help people a lot. But to say someone who is so deep in depression that they are unable to work and have no friends should rely on this forum and not turn to a professional is irresponsible and just foolish in my opinion. But you are certainly entitled to your own opinion.

Perhaps u r right.

Perhaps my view is a strawman.

Horrors upon unimaginable horrors has been unleashed upon man in many parts of the world, some lost whole families, livelihoods, villages, towns, cities and been left standing alone due to tsunamis, wars etc.

Yet they persevere and didn't commit suicide.

Divorce? Hardly even qualifies as an unimaginable horror.

What is that if not normal in ur society? Turn left, there's someone you know that's divorced, turn right and there's another.

How is divorce so special to be in the same breath as a man battling cancer and thus in need of medication because he has no choice ?

A divorced man has a choice.

 

[lamath]

Perhaps u r right.

Perhaps my view is a strawman.

Horrors upon unimaginable horrors has been unleashed upon man in many parts of the world, some lost whole families, livelihoods, villages, towns, cities and been left standing alone due to tsunamis, wars etc.

Yet they persevere and didn't commit suicide.

Divorce? Hardly even qualifies as an unimaginable horror.

What is that if not normal in ur society? Turn left, there's someone you know that's divorced, turn right and there's another.

How is divorce so special to be in the same breath as a man battling cancer and thus in need of medication because he has no choice ?

A divorced man has a choice.

Its all relative to someone perception some ppl in their reality will see a divorce as bad or even worse than surviving a tsunami or having a sibling killed in front of them.

Its like someone making 200k a year getring stress out at work and a guy making 20k being stress out about how he is going to pay his rent and food.
The guy making 200k per year is equaly at risk for a depression or a burn out , maybe even more.

What should be more stressful?
Being able to a place to stay and having food to eat obv

Tbh i think some ppl overcome hard situation like a divore by looking at life bigger picture and realizing that what happening is insignificant.

 

[Spaz]

Its all relative to someone perception some ppl in their reality will see a divorce as bad or even worse than surviving a tsunami or having a sibling killed in front of them.

Its like someone making 200k a year getring stress out at work and a guy making 20k being stress out about how he is going to pay his rent and food.
The guy making 200k per year is equaly at risk for a depression or a burn out , maybe even more.

What should be more stressful?
Being able to a place to stay and having food to eat obv

Tbh i think some ppl overcome hard situation like a divore by looking at life bigger picture and realizing that what happening is insignificant.

A man is free 2 frame a perception about his divorce or anything for that matter in a manner that's highly dependent on his attitude.

Perception is still a choice.

If a man has a choice then he has the power to choose which path to take.

A cancer patient has no choice but to take medications to prolong his life or even to have some kind of hope at all. Even faced with death they choose to live.

 

[lamath]

A man is free 2 frame a perception about his divorce or anything for that matter in a manner that's highly dependent on his attitude.

Perception is still a choice.

If a man has a choice then he has the power to choose which path to take.

I completely agree on this.

But need a strong wil, most cant change their perception.

Most can even see their situation for what it is in the bigger picture of things

 

[Dash Riprock]

OP,

I feel bad for you because I can sympathize with what you're going through.

~The Dash Riprock Story: The Journey is the Reward~​

The same thing happened to me about 16 years ago. Not a divorce but a catastrophic (or so I thought at the time) breakup. I was depressed, lost motivation, my social circle was small, and I was feeling 100% defeated and devastated.

I owned my own business so I HAD to work it as clients were relying on me but I probably operated at about 50-75% with them. I've been a gym rat for decades and kept a strict training regimen throughout which really helped. I remember an old friend came into town and stayed with me for a few months. He's a really good guy and we hung out a lot and that helped. But I still had this knot in my stomach for months as I was still hung up on the breakup. I even changed gyms because that's how I met the ex. That was also a good move. I do remember what depression was like (I was told it's called a Reactive Depression) and it was horrible. You see life in black and white, not color, and there was a haze hanging over everything.

I talked things over for a while with a psychologist (a man) who really didn't offer up any actionable steps to take, but it was someone to unload on. I also hiked A LOT in the mountains in Colorado where I live and that helped. I never reached out to the ex and went full NC even before I really knew what it was.

I did date and have sex with other women but it didn't really help. It may have even made things worse because no one could compare with the ex back then.

Man, I was a REAL head case and then...

S-L-O-W-L-Y things improved. The color in life came back. I started to have more motivation. I felt better. I started seeing women I actually liked and put some effort into. Things did improve. I found SoSuave shortly after in 2005.

Looking back, man, what a blue-pill putz I was. BUT, I think every man needs to go through something like that to get to the DJ "truth."

I took it upon myself to learn EVERYTHING I could about attraction, women's dating psychology, game, etc. I had a lot of natural talent but I needed to refine it. So, the first program I bought was by a guy named DOC LOVE. Man, what an eye opener. He had CDs and a book called the Dating Bible. It was cringe-worthy because I did almost everything wrong with the ex on every level. But I needed to learn and learn I did. I bought programs by Dave DeAngelo and scoured the internet for all the info I could find. Slowly, I started using my talent and traits and looks, but in a much more effective way. It took me YEARS to refine my game. But now I feel I'm on top and have Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady-like game with women. I CHOOSE who I want to be with. I NEVER have a problem attracting, dating, and f*ucking women. Right now, I'm taking a break because I've been with too many women lately.

So here are my best recommendations for you, OP. Follow these to the letter and you'll recover quicker and with less collateral damage:

1- Focus on your HEALTH. Get to the gym, take a non-narcotic sleep aid (try ZQuil). Eat healthy. Drink little alcohol.
2- Join a men's group, or a team, or some other activity that meets regularly.
3- Get some therapy. Seriously. It helps. But find a male therapist so they understand. Try at least 4 sessions.
4- Meds like SSRIs should be a last resort. Try some St. John's Wort or CBD oil. Both are proven to help with depression and anxiety which often go hand in hand.
5- LEARN as much as you can about dating, women, attraction, relationships, etc. BUT DO NOT GET ADVICE FROM WOMEN. SoSuave is a good place if you can stay away from the antagonistic, sad-sack, and immature members. You’ll get to know who to listen to and who to tune out. Feel free to PM me for material recommendations for reading and learning.
6- FORCE yourself to take action. It's easy to lay around feel sorry for yourself and quit. DON'T. Get out and take action even if its small steps.

Good luck to you.

~Dash~

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I did date and have sex with other women but it didn't really help. It may have even made things worse because no one could compare with the ex back then.

Seems like different people have different results with this, but mine mirrored yours. Unless I could sleep with women I connected with and truly respected, and who were as hot or hotter than my ex, it made things worse for me. Made my ex seem more valuable.

 

[Focal core]

These feeling are fleeting and temporary, it's a natural response from your body to HEAL. experiences these feeling, honor it, heal, and grow from this relationship, you will be fine, any attempt to numb your feelings will make the pain last longer than it should be, DONT REPRESSED THOSE FEELINGS, why do you wanted to deprived your own well being. It will gets better and better and it always does.. Dont listen to those who asked you to find another *****, they wasn't right in the head. Tq

 

[GrowingPains]

Skipping the posts here. But the cure is simple: time.

Nothing else can truly cure your state. Other things can only lessen the time it takes. I was the exact same way when I dumped my gf of 4 years. 2 weeks in I felt like wow I should've done that a long time ago. That 2nd week hit and boom: I couldn't handle her not responding to me.

Important things to keep in your mind:
-its not her that's making you feel this way, it's the absence of a close person in your life. Now you have to figure out how to be alone.

-being alone doesn't mean having no social circle. Get out and be persistent in making connections with people. It's all a numbers game. Some will land. Some will not. Friends and women. Get out and get after it.

-You will feel down, depressed, lost but it is not the end of the world. Pain and struggle are necessary for change. Get through it and be persistent. It will suck. You will feel lonely. But it's in your power to change that. No excuses. Do it.

-mind over matter. Listen to your mind, your heart will misguide you. When you feel low remind yourself that it's temporary and that you're just feeling that way because you're conditioned to have her in your life.

- don't ignore the feelings but don't wallow in them. Understand what you're feeling and why in an objective manner and then move in and love life.

It will be a long process. 3 months is nothing. You were married to this woman. It's been a little over a year and I'm finally starting to feel like I can say I'm over my ex after a 4 year relationship. It will be hard. But you have to be mindful and push yourself through. Godspeed.

 

[Emymker]

Just takes time. I was with my ex wife for 12 yrs and was so emotionally beat down. I had no idea who I was as person and man. Took 2 years to build up the courage to file for divorce in January of this year. I'm also bipolar and that had a huge impact on my desion to stay in a terrible marriage. For the first 3 months I felt good about the desion to end the marriage. Lost weight and totally updated my clothes etc... Bought myself a new toy and started to date a little. I was a little surprised that OLD was actually working. Just as I thought the fog had lifted I'm in the middle of a bipolar depression episode. Everything in life has no meaning at all. I own a business and that is the only thing that been keeping me grounded. So deleted dating apps and decided to figure out myself as a single guy who is 37 yrs old. First time I have been single for more than a month since I was 23 and is such a great feeling. Just me and my dogs and myself respect. Trust me if you do not need meds then don't go down that road. Unfortunately I have to take them otherwise I would be broke and living in my car. With that said this is just going to take time. How long is up to you and how you feel. Like others have said do stuff for you. Try and stay busy, but allow yourself down time for reflection. Therapy is good, but is not going to fix everything that went wrong in the marriage. Looking in the mirror and being honest in regards to why and how the marriage fell apart.

 

[sangheilios]

Damn, it actually hurts me to read some of these stories on here.

@ariesc

I'm not much younger than you, but I've never been married nor been in a relationship so while I can't directly relate I can understand why this is hard on you. However, I have been in places in life that were extremely difficult to the point where I was broken and could not get things back together, which sounds similar to you. What I did was isolating myself from the world, figuring out who I actually was as an individual and what I really wanted in life. From there, it just took time and working on myself.

 

[Wrenched]

How long it takes depends on you. I was engaged in 2001 and she broke it off and refused to see me ever again. I got no explanation as to why and was devastated. I spent the next 10 years (yes I said 10) beating myself up thinking she would come back. It never happened. Finally one day I was forced to confront the fact that she was never coming back. By that time all the abilities I had to meet women before her had all gone away and I had to learn all over again. Figure out what's best for you and go for it. The next one you find maybe better than the one you lost

 

[RangerMIke]

Depression is a side-effect of believing there are things you could have done to prevent something, it is a reflection of your own insecurities.

The best way to combat this is to get your confidence back, you do this by picking something that you think you can not do, and practice until you master it. It doesn't have to be with chicks... in fact in your current state I find it unlikely you will have any success with women that are worth your time. Just work on yourself, get busy with self-improvement and try to keep your mind off of your ex.

You'll get through this, how long is different with everyone, but one day you'll wake up and you will be more angry with her than you are with self-loathing and you'll know you are moving out of this.

All ways remember the best revenge is living well. When she sees you are doing better without her than with her, the script will flip when she realizes she was just holding you back... because she was.