Did your wife/ex-wife change after kids?

[fanatic22]

Like the thread title asks, did her personality change after she had kids? My dad sometimes talks about how my mom became less of a wife and more of a mother after she had me. It's a bit scary to think that you could marry a woman expecting one thing and get a radically different product post-children. I don't have an LTR right now but I'd be interested in any advice for someone who is eventually interested in being married.

 

[highSpeed]

Take it from someone who has had this happen twice now. Please, for the love of God, listen to me. Don't have kids, period. Both times they changed after kids and not for the better. Gone was sex, companionship, respect and listening. Kids give them the upper hand, all the power in the relationship. I'm over the Disney, love crap. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm saying to operate your life expecting that you will not be one of the exceedingly rare people who get that type of relationship. Women are not made for true love anyway, people say they are more nurturing and perhaps they are, to the kids. But to their mate? They are cold, disinterested and distant. They do this simply because they can get away with it. Avoid marriage and avoid kids, they are the ruination of western men

 

[lamath]

Might not exactly be the samee for every women some of my friend seems to still be 8n decent shape

but for me it was the same as highspeed.

Its like once kids are born they are not a gf/wife
More like a nany.

 

[Fzatf]

With my ex wife sex went from daily to monthly after we had a daughter. She became cold and judgmental. I should've expected it as she would always judge others. It sucked when those judgmental eyes turned to me. High speed is right. Don't have kids if you want your relationship with your significant other to stay the same. Don't marry as it's an excuse for a woman to change and she can decide at any time to divorce rape you in court. This is even worse if you have kids as you'll pay child support.

 

[Billtx49]

When she has kids her second biological imperative to raise them right kicks in and her mating strategy to get them then takes second place… A natural occurrence unless she knows it takes frequent sex to help maintain a marriage.…

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Like the thread title asks, did her personality change after she had kids? My dad sometimes talks about how my mom became less of a wife and more of a mother after she had me. It's a bit scary to think that you could marry a woman expecting one thing and get a radically different product post-children. I don't have an LTR right now but I'd be interested in any advice for someone who is eventually interested in being married.

She wants to bang your brains out to fulfill her biological hard wiring: have kids.

Once she has kids (her biological mission is fulfilled), what are you to her? A provider and someone else to help take care of the kids, do the yard work, split household chores with, etc. In effect, you become a workhorse.

I’m glad that I have my children. But make no mistake, it totally changes your life. If you’re not prepared to sacrifice and to be a work horse for the good of your children for a certain portion of your life, don’t have them.

-Augustus-

 

[Ranger]

Yes. The sex drive dries up. Forever after that as well.
I didn’t know anything at the time about any of this so I thought it was me.
Her ways of getting out of sex are virtually unlimited.
There’s nothing you can do about it either.
The provider receives the less attention. He is by far the least significant. Her kids or her new side lover (if she has one) are far more important and take precedence.

It is a tenuous position at best. You don’t have to do anything wrong at all. It really is all her. It’s the nature of things.

 

[sazc]

The lack of self assessment, self examination, in this thread is incredulous.

 

[Ranger]

That's pretty discouraging. I wonder if anyone has avoided this. I remember Rollo used to talk about still getting plenty of sex and compliance from his wife even though they had a daughter.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have good times and fun at times.
It’s not all doom and gloom. Lol
I’ve listen to Rollo’s book and don’t recall that he had plenty of sex after. He didn’t say it was horrible either. He did comment that things changed.


Competition anxiety still needs to remain in place. Implied, of course. He emphatically points out that there is NO upside to marriage or a LTR. And he is correct. I fell in love with my children. I was a protector. A primal drive for sure.

Most of this is pre-wired.

 

[lamath]

Again got some friend that still have decent couple life after kids but they are the exception.

 

[lamath]

The lack of self assessment, self examination, in this thread is incredulous.

Sadly ask most men with kids and thats what they will tell you.
No need to insult us for telling our experiences.

Statistically if you want to stay married the best way is no kids

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

The lack of self assessment, self examination, in this thread is incredulous.

Rather than just a blanket statement, provide some detail to explain what you mean.

-Augustus-

 

[sazc]

Rather than just a blanket statement, provide some detail to explain what you mean.

-Augustus-

In general, having a baby is something a couple is usually woefully unprepared for. Society completely romanticizes the idea of nurturing children, but the reality is so very drastically different.

Bringing a child into the relationship exacerbates/highlights all of the issues in a marriage.

Of course the dynamics of the relationship are going to change. These changes are compounded by the amount of external support the couple has (general intelligence, commitment to each other, familial support, friend groups, etc)

The question is, HOW are the adults going to handle the changes?

When you guys discuss topics here, you never do a deep dive. It's always selfish surface b1tching.

Yeah, yea, I get the "this is a man's site!" Argument. But refusing to do a deep dive on topics, to really understand why sh1t happens, never really sheds light, or understanding, or solves the issues. It leaves you in EXACTLY the same spot you were before - and IIRC you were unhappy about that spot.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

In general, having a baby is something a couple is usually woefully unprepared for. Society completely romanticizes the idea of nurturing children, but the reality is so very drastically different.

Bringing a child into the relationship exacerbates/highlights all of the issues in a marriage.

Of course the dynamics of the relationship are going to change. These changes are compounded by the amount of external support the couple has (general intelligence, commitment to each other, familial support, friend groups, etc)

The question is, HOW are the adults going to handle the changes?

When you guys discuss topics here, you never do a deep dive. It's always selfish surface b1tching.

Yeah, yea, I get the "this is a man's site!" Argument. But refusing to do a deep dive on topics, to really understand why sh1t happens, never really sheds light, or understanding, or solves the issues. It leaves you in EXACTLY the same spot you were before - and IIRC you were unhappy about that spot.

Having a child doesnt mean sex has to die.

 

[sazc]

Having a child doesnt mean sex has to die.

Who's saying that it does?

 

[highSpeed]

Yes. The sex drive dries up. Forever after that as well.
I didn’t know anything at the time about any of this so I thought it was me.
Her ways of getting out of sex are virtually unlimited.
There’s nothing you can do about it either.
The provider receives the less attention. He is by far the least significant. Her kids or her new side lover (if she has one) are far more important and take precedence.

It is a tenuous position at best. You don’t have to do anything wrong at all. It really is all her. It’s the nature of things.

I think what really irritates me is that I specifically spelled out to her before we got married what I was looking for. After we got married and had kids, it's like she used that as the blueprint to do the exact f*cking opposite, knowing full well that I'd never stand for it if we didn't have kids.

 

[sazc]

I think what really irritates me is that I specifically spelled out to her before we got married what I was looking for. After we got married and had kids, it's like she used that as the blueprint to do the exact f*cking opposite, knowing full well that I'd never stand for it if we didn't have kids.

So when you brought the drastic changes in your relationship to her attention, when you communicated that things had changed, told her what you felt had changed, and that you were unhappy, what was her reply/explanation?

 

[highSpeed]

In general, having a baby is something a couple is usually woefully unprepared for. Society completely romanticizes the idea of nurturing children, but the reality is so very drastically different.

Bringing a child into the relationship exacerbates/highlights all of the issues in a marriage.

Of course the dynamics of the relationship are going to change. These changes are compounded by the amount of external support the couple has (general intelligence, commitment to each other, familial support, friend groups, etc)

The question is, HOW are the adults going to handle the changes?

When you guys discuss topics here, you never do a deep dive. It's always selfish surface b1tching.

Yeah, yea, I get the "this is a man's site!" Argument. But refusing to do a deep dive on topics, to really understand why sh1t happens, never really sheds light, or understanding, or solves the issues. It leaves you in EXACTLY the same spot you were before - and IIRC you were unhappy about that spot.

Look, most of what you're talking about is a cop out. Kids, at least from a "I need you ever single moment" perspective, ends after about 2-3 years. From that point, it's usually regular bed times, routine, you should have most of every evening to connect as a couple. Yes, there's more and more to do during the day but the evenings should be free for the couple to do things together.

My wife always hits me with, let's setup weekly or biweekly date nights. You know what date night means to me at this point? Take me out, spend money on me, we get home, "Boy, I'm tired, I want to go to bed". So all I get used for on those nights is funds for a night out. I pay to take my roommate out for an evening on the town. How can a date night not include sex? How??!!?? How would you not think that your husband, who's taking time out of his finances and his evening, might want to have sex with his wife after a night where we are supposed to be re-connecting/connecting? And if I bring it up, it immediately devolves into a fight.

I spend most evenings by myself. She scampers upstairs with the kids to put them to bed, falls asleep and I spend the evening playing video games, working out, doing stuff for work or working around the house. I'm usually too f*cked off to sleep because I'm p*ssed off that she literally ignored me the entire evening so I usually need to do something to burn off the p*ssed off energy.

I mention this because everyone on here, including you, knows what women are like. Just like many other guys, my kids are now weaponized against me. If I Don't like what she's doing? Tough, because she control the kids. You have to be pretty screwed up to not get at least primary custody as the female. That gives you control over finances, the kids and with those two things under her control, she knows she's in the driver's seat of the relationship. Imagine knowing that you can torpedo the person you're with at any time for literally any reason. It's ludicrous to think that this type of control doesn't go to someone's head. Do you really think the queen or any other member of the royal family are great people? Hell no, they've been pampered and treated like a god from day one. That kind of control messes with anyone's mind, especially females.

Guys sacrifice for their familes, they sacrifice for their kids, they sacrifice for their wives. That is usually repaid with scorn, disdain, distance and irritation. I have no problem with my kids and my wife taking priority in many cases. However, for the relationship to continue to flourish, she has to do the same for her spouse. That usually doesn't happen because of the imbalance of power.

No deep dive and constant b*tching my a$$, that's typical female shaming tactics so we don't call out the sisterhood.

 

[highSpeed]

So when you brought the drastic changes in your relationship to her attention, when you communicated that things had changed, told her what you felt had changed, and that you were unhappy, what was her reply/explanation?

She literally doesn't care. She knows I'm not leaving because of the kids. I've said I'm getting a girlfriend before and she's told me to go ahead, knowing full well that I most likely have no intention of actually doing it because if I get busted, she's got all the ammunition she needs to destroy me.

 

[Ranger]

In general, having a baby is something a couple is usually woefully unprepared for. Society completely romanticizes the idea of nurturing children, but the reality is so very drastically different.

Bringing a child into the relationship exacerbates/highlights all of the issues in a marriage.

Of course the dynamics of the relationship are going to change. These changes are compounded by the amount of external support the couple has (general intelligence, commitment to each other, familial support, friend groups, etc)

The question is, HOW are the adults going to handle the changes?

When you guys discuss topics here, you never do a deep dive. It's always selfish surface b1tching.

Yeah, yea, I get the "this is a man's site!" Argument. But refusing to do a deep dive on topics, to really understand why sh1t happens, never really sheds light, or understanding, or solves the issues. It leaves you in EXACTLY the same spot you were before - and IIRC you were unhappy about that spot.

Deep diving in this subject is nothing more than leading a man to a compromise.
I don’t b!tch and I like women even more than ever.

Only a fool “deep dives” into a sudject like this if he is a man. It’s a dead end. Why? Because the result is the same it’s just that he has now been convinced that he should play along because it’s his man-up position.

The OP wants a marriage with children and he has asked a very legitimate question. “Talking” will never solve the problem...he doesn’t want the intimacy and connection to fall off when his wife has a child. But it will happen. There are volumes of observable and scientific data to support this assertion. In fact how he handles it will dictate the relationship from that point forward.

“There is no upside for a man in a marriage.”