Females, what is going through your mind when this happens?

[marmel75]

I had something happen today that took me back to a few years ago when I was heavily into OLD.

Something I always found interesting was the following scenario: Go on a date where the woman either doesnt feel comfortable giving out her number until we met or just never asked for it. Date seemingly goes well, we kiss/make out afterwards, then I say "I want you to give me your number but ONLY if you want me to have it". They start giving it to me and i stop them and I say "Are you sure you want me to have it?"

They say yes and give it to me. However, only about half were actually interested in seeing me again. The others basically told me on my first text that they weren't interested.

So my question is why did they give me their number when I asked them to only give it to me if they wanted me to have it? I gave them a free out and they didn't take it. I told them straight up it was cool if theyd prefer not to, in a kind of nonchalant I dont care way. My thought process was I'd rather know right now if this chick is in or out and not bother taking a number that was worthless.

Just curious as to thoughts on this. Not sure why I started thinking about this other than I remembered a few times I did that after what happened today, but now im interested in knowing the dynamics in play as I'm sure this happens to others as well.

 

[HankHill]

Not a female but:

1. Women will avoid confrontation as much as possible, they'd rather not tell you especially right after the date/kiss etc that they're not interested. They'd rather do it from the comfort of their phone.

2. Women are fickle, they might be intoxicated and be feeling great but after 24/48 hrs they're not too hot about it.

 

[BeExcellent]

What Hank said. Conflict avoidance; awkwardness avoidance. You as the guy might be cool with refusal in the moment on the spot, but many women are too conflict averse for that sort of directness. It makes them squeamish.

And understand too that they don't want to run the risk of Cool Moe Dee suddenly going into whiner mode or desperate mode if they were to refuse.

Much easier to communicate disinterest later from the safety of the phone in some undisclosed location. Physical safety can be at play too in this decision process on occasion too.

 

[AJ84]

Agree with all of the above. When face to face with someone it’s harder to soft reject.

I think that goes both ways too. Where a guy takes a number but ghosts, or after she texts him a few times finally says he’s not interested. In general, it’s not easy for the average person to face to face reject someone they don’t know, unless the date went so horribly wrong that both know that it’s not going anywhere.

From a female side we also end up having to justify or explain why, in many cases. And that can be awkward. “The date went so well we had fun, so what’s up? Why not?”
I’m not saying it’s right but half the time it’s just quick and easier than potentially having to start explaining why and feel like we have to defend our decision of not being interested.

 

[marmel75]

See but that was the whole thing. I wouldnt have done any of that. I would have just smirked and said "Well, guess not every woman can have good taste in men." and walked away. Similar to what I sent to them via text.

Surprisingly a few chased me after I said that to see me again but I just dismissed them. Guys dont ever allow a woman to change their mind like that. Its never worth it in the long run. Much easier to find a woman whose mind doesn't need changing.

 

[Roober]

@marmel75 marmelyour not like most guys. Your thread is actually very similar to why women exhibit many behaviors that may indicate interest, but then consequently ghost them. I had a chat with the gf about this and she said some men flip out, or are like "why not?" Or some line of questioning.

A lot of men will then even go on a tirade on why they are so great. And then when it gets physical, if she doesn't feel safe, she will look for the quickest exit, regardless of what she says or does.

Most women understand they cannot match a man physically, so it's easier to "play nice" to get out of the situation. There are a lot of men who are so desperate and inept at dating, cant handle rejection, and will make situations very very awkward for women. In all likelihood, those half that never responded were not really that interested.

The path of least resistance is often not only the easiest, but the safest route for women.

 

[In2theGame]

Women do this for various reasons, which has already been mentioned in above posts but if she gives me her number, she's just potentially part of my bullpen with a multitude of other Women. if she wants to see me again, good. If not, good, I have others. Women are fickle and flakey as hell and many of them sometimes don't know whether their coming or going. Many who give you a number may already have a boyfriend on the backend that you don't know about and in the moment, you seem like the better option but later on she feels guilty and dismisses your text or request to meet up again.

A guy would need to feel the girl out if she seems really into him however that's also difficult to do because say you've spoken to 5 Women and the one who seemed least interested is in fact the most interested you.

 

[Spaz]

I had something happen today that took me back to a few years ago when I was heavily into OLD.

Something I always found interesting was the following scenario: Go on a date where the woman either doesnt feel comfortable giving out her number until we met or just never asked for it. Date seemingly goes well, we kiss/make out afterwards, then I say "I want you to give me your number but ONLY if you want me to have it". They start giving it to me and i stop them and I say "Are you sure you want me to have it?".

Flip the situation, hand them ur business card that has ur number followed by a sly smile. Some might ask, some might smile back knowingly and some would directly call ur number there and then so you'll hv theirs.

In this situation, it's working in ur frame and not theirs. Then it's favourably inclined towards you.

Either outcome you'd win.

She calls or texts, she's then in ur frame, ur rules.

She doesn't call or text, still within ur frame - do u understand this part marmel?

 

[AJ84]

See but that was the whole thing. I wouldnt have done any of that. I would have just smirked and said "Well, guess not every woman can have good taste in men." and walked away. Similar to what I sent to them via text.

Surprisingly a few chased me after I said that to see me again but I just dismissed them. Guys dont ever allow a woman to change their mind like that. Its never worth it in the long run. Much easier to find a woman whose mind doesn't need changing.

Hahaha I like that response that’s witty. But many guys honestly don’t respond like that. They ask why and keep persuing. I think it goes back to the whole men chasing and women being ‘ladies’ and putting up an initial resistance. Back in the day women were expected to put up some resistance lest they be seen as easy, so men had to do more convincing.
Now, we very clearly no longer have that social standard (in western cultures anyway), but some guys still try to convince a reluctant girl, who is most likely not putting up her ‘lady front’.

 

[Murk]

I've never been on a date where I've not had the girls number, I've never been on a date where I didn't speak on the phone to the broad beforehand.

Seems weird to me.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Maybe too much emphasis on what they want. Just tell them, give me your number. You win some you lose some, whatever. You may come across as trying to force their hand, or being overly chivalrous. Either way, it's probably not helping in some cases.

 

[btownbuck2012]

2. Women are fickle, they might be intoxicated and be feeling great but after 24/48 hrs they're not too hot about it.

Yeah no biggie. Unless you wanna get elected to the Supreme Court one day or something dumb like that.

 

[Mr Wright]

Personally I think it's a weird thing to say to a woman. Getting a number is quite a trivial thing, especially these days so bringing attention to it just comes across as clumsy seduction. I see you're trying to give her an out so to speak but that's not your job. Guys need to be moving things forward, it's up to the woman to hold things up. I see it as over egging the pudding, game is mostly just not f*cking up anyway and that's just an extra step where you can f*ck up along the road.

 

[HankHill]

Yeah no biggie. Unless you wanna get elected to the Supreme Court one day or something dumb like that.

Haha! hey man, I didn't make women...talk to the man upstairs lol

 

[sosousage]

If she kissed you and said shes not interested afterwards then you need to brush your teeth more

 

[sazc]

If you end the date and she doesn't ask for your number, but you are interested, send her your number on the same platform you set up the actual date. Let her decide if she wants to call you.

Agreed, it's conflict avoidance and it's important for a woman to do because men can get really butthurt if you let them know to their face, as you are departing the first meeting, you aren't interested.

You may be chill about the situation, but we don't know that

 

[devilkingx2]

Some women are paranoid that every man is a psychopath, in the same vein as assuming every woman is gonna #metoo you

Other women use that paranoia as an excuse because they genuinely don't care about anyone's feelings or time and would rather save themselves effort and hassle, and if they end up leading you on and wasting your time, who cares fvck you

 

[Mazer]

See but that was the whole thing. I wouldnt have done any of that. I would have just smirked and said "Well, guess not every woman can have good taste in men." and walked away. Similar to what I sent to them via text.

Surprisingly a few chased me after I said that to see me again but I just dismissed them. Guys dont ever allow a woman to change their mind like that. Its never worth it in the long run. Much easier to find a woman whose mind doesn't need changing.

I always respond with a witty, non threatening response because I don’t care that much plus a new woman is right around the corner but lets not get it twisted. Some women who reject guys after a few dates when they give off positive signals during the dates love it when a man hits them with the “best of luck” text because it takes them off the hook. They don’t want to think that they did wrong, misled the guy. The guy responds with “cool no problem”. It’s exactly what she wanted to hear, you just proved to her what she already knows, that she isn’t a shiddy woman. She can never do anything wrong.

 

[HankHill]

Some women who reject guys after a few dates when they give off positive signals during the dates love it when a man hits them with the “best of luck” text because it takes them off the hook. They don’t want to think that they did wrong, misled the guy. The guy responds with “cool no problem”. It’s exactly what she wanted to hear, you just proved to her what she already knows, that she isn’t a shiddy woman. She can never do anything wrong.

Hmm, this is an interesting point...this has happened to me and I did exactly as you say because one we're supposed to not show we're butt-hurt two, women change their minds all the time so no point in burning bridges and three we should have the abundance mentality. Are you saying there's a better way to respond than 'no problem, good luck'?

 

[Dash Riprock]

I had something happen today that took me back to a few years ago when I was heavily into OLD.

Something I always found interesting was the following scenario: Go on a date where the woman either doesnt feel comfortable giving out her number until we met or just never asked for it. Date seemingly goes well, we kiss/make out afterwards, then I say "I want you to give me your number but ONLY if you want me to have it". They start giving it to me and i stop them and I say "Are you sure you want me to have it?"

They say yes and give it to me. However, only about half were actually interested in seeing me again. The others basically told me on my first text that they weren't interested.

So my question is why did they give me their number when I asked them to only give it to me if they wanted me to have it? I gave them a free out and they didn't take it. I told them straight up it was cool if theyd prefer not to, in a kind of nonchalant I dont care way. My thought process was I'd rather know right now if this chick is in or out and not bother taking a number that was worthless.

Just curious as to thoughts on this. Not sure why I started thinking about this other than I remembered a few times I did that after what happened today, but now im interested in knowing the dynamics in play as I'm sure this happens to others as well.

This is simple: Conflict avoidance. It's in their DNA. ANYTHING to avoid awkwardness, possible altercation, or explaining themselves.

BTW, how do you actually set up a date without getting the phone number first? I suppose if you're using a dating site for all communication, set up can take place over that medium, but in 95% of the cases I already have their number before the date.

It's also bad advice to ask the girl to call you if interested. This is basic Man-Woman 101 stuff. We (men) are the assertive leaders and the confident ones. By giving your business card or telling her to call you if interested, you're basically playing to her frame and setting her up as the prize and "man" in this interaction.

I have a friend who does this and he NEVER gets a call back. He's also as blue pill as you can get.

Be the dominant assertive one and ask her out again AFTER the date, not during or right after. Give her some time to marinate. If she says no or ghosts, who gives a f*uck? Move on. Stop putting SO MUCH emphasis on "if she likes me." Better question is do YOU like her and is she worthy of your time?