Need Some Advice from the Pros

[Tanked13]

I recently got back into the dating game after a divorce. I've worked on myself and thought I had everything together until last night. I met a really cool chick on a dating site, and I'm talking 9-10. (Yeah I've been reading the RM and understand dating sites are a buffer that promote One-itis but I figured WTH.) Anyway, I thought I was ready for this, thought I had my **** together, and as soon as I saw her I was a nervous deer in headlights. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth and I got proverbially punched by her hotness, composure, and wittiness. I couldn't keep up and could not focus, and was thinking the entire night what a beta dousche AFC I was being reduced to. She was very pleasant but I could tell she got annoyed, and I blew it in dramatic fashion.

The failure with this 9-10 doesn't hurt at all compared to my unexpected reaction. I did not expect to be reduced to something so pathetic. It must have been total insecurity about something. I immediately must have thought she was better than me even though in hindsight I had intrigued the hell out of her. She wanted it to go well and I just flopped in the most epic way imaginable and I am struggling to reflect on and make sense of it so I learn and it doesn't happen again.

What's the forum's perspective? Would you point me toward some wisdom? How can I continue to grow my confidence when I thought I had my **** together? Are there any recommended books or regimens I can study?

 

[Dr.Suave]

Don´t worry. New 9s and 10s are turning 18 everyday. Just keep working to improve yourself and spin more plates.

 

[fastlife]

AFAIK most of the 'pros' abandoned SS long ago--just cameo appearances here & there. But don't be so hard on yourself bro. Getting back in the game after a break (and even more so, I imagine, after a divorce) is harder than starting out in the first place--since you have a memory of how you were before, but your skills have atrophied from disuse for so long, that there's a disparity between how you think it should be for you and where you are now.

Notice I said skill--not your value as a man, not your 'alphaness,' or whatever--meeting women (successfully, hopefully) is a skill that can be learned & practiced & relearned. Just like if I don't run for a couple weeks, the next time I run is gonna suck. Doesn't make me a sh1tty person, just utilizing skills I haven't practiced & facing the direct consequences of a decision I made not to practice that skill for a while.

Post breakup, obviously, you have some mental stuff to deal with. Highly recommend meditation: I go in depth on it here:
https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/create-your-own-confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/

Pragmatically, you probably need a little practice & guidance. Two best resources I found when I was getting this area of my life handled were these:

• http://yareallyarchive.com/scray/2012/11/

Each day read one entry from YaReally’s archive (starting with the Scray FR in chronological order) & watch one of RSD Julien’s free Youtube videos circa 2015/2016 (these are absolutely the most cutting edge resources out there to understand game--what I started with). Commit to testing out the concepts with at least one girl a day. Commit to going out at least twice a week from 10PM to closing time & really push yourself to break out of your comfort zone. Give yourself at least 6 months. No excuses.

Good luck bro. Be back in the saddle in no time if you can deal with a little bit of discomfort in the meantime.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I thought I was ready for this, thought I had my **** together, and as soon as I saw her I was a nervous deer in headlights. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth and I got proverbially punched by her hotness, composure, and wittiness.

Message her that sentence, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose at this point, right? From a larger perspective, that was your problem, worrying about screwing it up, which made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to develop the skill of not caring too much about outcome. Sometimes that involves blunt, self-deprecating honesty, like being able to communicate to her the things you just said to us.

 

[Spaz]

It's the fear of rejection.

Good news is it can be overcome by going out more frequently and dating more women until it comes to the point where you are qualifying women as opposed to women qualifying you now.

Some of us had a head start by being active and not caring in our early teens until late into adulthood when it comes to girls/women. If u r decently looking, neat, clean and have a regular job, I see no reason why any man should fail with women.

 

[sazc]

Don´t worry. New 9s and 10s are turning 18 everyday. Just keep working to improve yourself and spin more plates.

Ha!

 

[user43770]

It's the fear of rejection.

Good news is it can be overcome by going out more frequently and dating more women until it comes to the point where you are qualifying women as opposed to women qualifying you now.

Some of us had a head start by being active and not caring in our early teens until late into adulthood when it comes to girls/women. If u r decently looking, neat, clean and have a regular job, I see no reason why any man should fail with women.

Surround yourself with women often enough, test your game on them, and before long you'll be the one giving advice here.

It's all about developing a confident mind-frame.

Only experience around women can bring you that.

 

[BondJamesBond424]

You feel like you need her.
Get "The Book of Pook" from Amazon.
That book helped me so much. Just like you, I was viewing my dates wrong. I viewed pretty girls as better than me.
After some practice I'm finally able to go into dates thinking "I hope I'll like her".
You have to practice ignoring her physical beauty. This takes practice in your mind.
Stop needing a woman like you need a job.

As I'm saying this to you, I'm also reiterating it to myself.

 

[Bullbearpig]

I thought I was ready for this, thought I had my **** together, and as soon as I saw her I was a nervous deer in headlights. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth and I got proverbially punched by her hotness, composure, and wittiness.

Message her that sentence, and see what happens. You have nothing to lose at this point, right? From a larger perspective, that was your problem, worrying about screwing it up, which made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to develop the skill of not caring too much about outcome. Sometimes that involves blunt, self-deprecating honesty, like being able to communicate to her the things you just said to us.

Bad idea.

 

[foolyoufool]

Bad idea.

I agree but I would really like to know if OP did that and how it went.

 

[Music_czar]

There are no pro’s.. all the men who left this place got married to battle axes or were fleeced in a divorce.. either way they got caught up in real life and are too busy to post comments on an internet web forum.

The men who are left here have varying degrees of experience.. whose opinion may or may not work for you.

I’d suggest you keep dating. Eat healthy, look your best, and from outside the confidence will leak inside. Keep gaining experience dating hot women, try what works and discard whatever doesn’t.

Don’t take anything personally.. women are all fvcked in the head and have all kinds of weird likes and needs. Just keep doing you, be your best self, and develop an IDGF attitude.

 

[GT40]

Women like men who are Alpha and who can LEAD anything. Life, conversation, issues etc.....
An the list as well:
Dress well / nice clothes / ironed /
Hygeine - nails, hair / face etc..
Positive attitude
Leadership.

These just name a few items. It's pretty easy to figure out the basic items

 

[bigdave17]

can someone explain to me how men fail on dates?

she is attracted to you, she agreed to go out with you...this is like 99% of the challenge. At that point, you just have to act like a normal f*cking human being and she will want to be with you

OP you can't just have normal conversation about normal topics while feeling comfortable around her? Your freakout session is understandable if you're just meeting her, but if she agreed to go out with you, what are you feeling insecure about?

 

[BondJamesBond424]

I'll attempt to explain using my own experiences.
Even though a chick wants to go out with us, we're still in that Disney love story mindset and feel like we have to 'perform' or prove ourself. This comes from low self-worth. We don't think much of ourselves even though a chick is out with us we still feel like we may not be enough for her.
In my case, I just dumped my gf of 6 yrs and had zero experience dating and seducing women. Plus, the relationship tore me down emotionally.
So when 2 women outright asked me to hang out, I didn't know they just wanted to fvck but I kept throwing boyfriend energy and I got rejected hard.

I think it boils down to low or no self-worth and not enough experience.
I learned when a chick is out with you, all you gotta do is escalate towards sex.
Have sex early and often.