Women and arguments/fights

[Designer Man]

Let's say you get into an argument with your girl and she says or does something that annoys you, makes you mad so you say something as a reaction to what she done to you but you go a little bit too far and say things to hurt her that you don't mean. In hindsight you regret what you did or said to hurt her as you know it's wrong and not the DJ way. When the time comes to discuss the argument with your girl, do you find that the sole focus is on what you did or said and what they said or did is irrelevant? Women seem to forget what they have done that may have hurt you and they seem to struggle with empathy. They are solely focused on what you did as a reaction and seem to forget about what role they played in the argument or fight.

How do you go about making her understand what she done to hurt you or annoy you? It's like they don't listen to that side of it and act like they have done nothing wrong.

I've apologised profusely for what I did but it's like it's falling on deaf ears and when I mention what she did and why I reacted the way I did it's like it's unimportant. Oh and when you both recap the whole argument and put it in sequence they seem to get the sequence wrong and make it look like what you done was before what they done etc instead of after.

It's impossible to get your point across and make them realise. Now I've messed it all up and have no idea what to do. She's asked for space so I'm gonna give it to her, she doesn't want to discuss anything with me and doesn't know what she wants anymore.

She can't carry on with the way I'm behaving but when I say "I only behaved like that because you done x y z" it's like no that's not right.

It's made out I'm a complete psychopath and just start arguments and fights out of thin air. Ok, I was wrong to do what I done and said some nasty things but I told her right there and then that I was only saying them to get a reaction from you to see if you possess any feelings for me. I said hurtful things just to see if she would retaliate. It was wrong and I apologised. She hurt me by rejecting me and coming nowhere near me for the whole vacation. 3 times we had sex. 3 times! I lost my cool and I got annoyed, she made me feel like there was something wrong with me but the child was there and it was awkward at times. She said sex isn't the number 1 thing on her mind and doesn't want to do it at any time an opportunity arises. She hurt my feelings by rejecting me so I got annoyed and acted AFC. Damn.

 

[Designer Man]

Epidemic of narcissism. They flat out don't care.

She Appeared heartless and I done everything I could to try and piss her off and all she done was use those things I said to label me a psychopath and put the complete blame on me.

 

[ohrein]

The golden rule with women is actions over words. Women communicate subversively. Do not attempt to use logic with an emotional woman. It doesn't matter why a woman is sad or angry, all that matters is that communicate on that level. Any attempt to "fix" an emotional problem with logic will fail.

How do you do that? Good question that I don't know the answer to. Maybe the ladies on SS can offer some suggestions. I've spent of my thirties using CBT and Buddhism to apply logic to my emotions to the point that I get accused of being a sociopath or autistic because I'm so emotionally strong. I'm actually struggling with my girlfriend sometimes. It's easy if she's sad or stressed, just listen and cuddle. The anger is something I just can't empathize with because I simply can't get angry without a really good reason.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I stopped reading after "Let's say you get into an argument with your girl".

Just do your thing, everything would fall in place.

 

[Billtx49]

An argument with your girl. She’s coming from an emotional place, if you do also, you’re in her frame. If you come from logic it isn’t going to work against emotions either. Giving her some time to cool down and regain a more rational state of mind is about the only thing you can do.

 

[The Diver]

Let's say you get into an argument with your girl and she says or does something that annoys you, makes you mad

as a reaction to what she done to you but you go a little bit too far and say things to hurt her

From The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon


XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, **** tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

 

[Roober]

Oh boy...

Lets focus on the real problem here. First that she didnt want to have sex with you. When a woman tells you no repeatedly, it shows a complete lack of trust and/or desire to have you penetrate her. So you have already failed before you totally screwed it up with the second point.

You then complained and insulted her when you didnt get your way. Is this something a man does? Or a petulant little child? Why are you even with a woman that has a different sex drive than your own? I am willing to bet the sex used to be good. Is that correct? Which would only further support my first point.

If a lady denies sex, you go and find it somewhere else. Now, this goes with the assumption that you are doing everything else correctly. Based on what you have shared, I would guess that's probably not the case.

You have several big issues, and I would suggest that they are all a result of your actions.

 

[Soflobro#3]

Let's say you get into an argument with your girl and she says or does something that annoys you, makes you mad so you say something as a reaction to what she done to you but you go a little bit too far and say things to hurt her that you don't mean. In hindsight you regret what you did or said to hurt her as you know it's wrong and not the DJ way. When the time comes to discuss the argument with your girl, do you find that the sole focus is on what you did or said and what they said or did is irrelevant? Women seem to forget what they have done that may have hurt you and they seem to struggle with empathy. They are solely focused on what you did as a reaction and seem to forget about what role they played in the argument or fight.

How do you go about making her understand what she done to hurt you or annoy you? It's like they don't listen to that side of it and act like they have done nothing wrong.

I've apologised profusely for what I did but it's like it's falling on deaf ears and when I mention what she did and why I reacted the way I did it's like it's unimportant. Oh and when you both recap the whole argument and put it in sequence they seem to get the sequence wrong and make it look like what you done was before what they done etc instead of after.

It's impossible to get your point across and make them realise. Now I've messed it all up and have no idea what to do. She's asked for space so I'm gonna give it to her, she doesn't want to discuss anything with me and doesn't know what she wants anymore.

She can't carry on with the way I'm behaving but when I say "I only behaved like that because you done x y z" it's like no that's not right.

It's made out I'm a complete psychopath and just start arguments and fights out of thin air. Ok, I was wrong to do what I done and said some nasty things but I told her right there and then that I was only saying them to get a reaction from you to see if you possess any feelings for me. I said hurtful things just to see if she would retaliate. It was wrong and I apologised. She hurt me by rejecting me and coming nowhere near me for the whole vacation. 3 times we had sex. 3 times! I lost my cool and I got annoyed, she made me feel like there was something wrong with me but the child was there and it was awkward at times. She said sex isn't the number 1 thing on her mind and doesn't want to do it at any time an opportunity arises. She hurt my feelings by rejecting me so I got annoyed and acted AFC. Damn.

Here is my opinion. Never EVER get sucked into an argument. If she's being disrespectful just ignore her. If shes ignoring you, ignore her. When she tries to start a petty argument, ignore her.

You'll never win, it will never do you any good to try and convince her. This will always be a waste of your time. The best you can do is always have one foot out the door and make sure to keep your options open. Some women are better about this then others.

Don't feed into drama.

 

[jacketrunner]

From The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon


XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, **** tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

What if she's pissing you off though? Is righteous anger always a bad thing?

One time, with my gf, I got angry about something I thought was disrespectful, and she started trying to win my validation back, and never did it again.

At other times, you might seem butthurt or lacking in self-control. What's the rule of thumb here?

 

[Soflobro#3]

The golden rule with women is actions over words. Women communicate subversively. Do not attempt to use logic with an emotional woman. It doesn't matter why a woman is sad or angry, all that matters is that communicate on that level. Any attempt to "fix" an emotional problem with logic will fail.

How do you do that? Good question that I don't know the answer to. Maybe the ladies on SS can offer some suggestions. I've spent of my thirties using CBT and Buddhism to apply logic to my emotions to the point that I get accused of being a sociopath or autistic because I'm so emotionally strong. I'm actually struggling with my girlfriend sometimes. It's easy if she's sad or stressed, just listen and cuddle. The anger is something I just can't empathize with because I simply can't get angry without a really good reason.

Distance from her and disdain for her behavior. That's all you can usually do (unless it's actually important and the relationship is Worth it).

 

[Soflobro#3]

What if she's pissing you off though? Is righteous anger always a bad thing?

One time, with my gf, I got angry about something I thought was disrespectful, and she started trying to win my validation back, and never did it again.

At other times, you might seem butthurt or lacking in self-control. What's the rule of thumb here?

Most of the time you should just be distant and ignore her. Theres always exceptions if course.

 

[jacketrunner]

Most of the time you should just be distant and ignore her. Theres always exceptions if course.

I just don't like how passive this is. If you let a little masculine anger out it might actually help your case in certain circumstances.

 

[jacketrunner]

Here's an example of anger that can be effective. It's reinforcing dominance:

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I just don't like how passive this is. If you let a little masculine anger out it might actually help your case in certain circumstances.

It's hard as hell NOT to do anything. But often it's the right thing to do. Let her process her own thoughts.

 

[The Diver]

What if she's pissing you off though? Is righteous anger always a bad thing?

You'll find deferent opinions about this issue on this forum.
Some will say expressing your anger when disrespectful, necessary from time to time. The others will advocate the " Distance and Silence" treatment/reaction.

Honesty, at that point in my life, I rarely, if ever got angry to the point of expressing it loudly, I just can't bring myself to the point of losing control. For me " distance and silence " is the way to go. Each for their own

(I actually found a long time ago, when being at a deferent point in my life, that my kids respected me less when I lost control and voiced it loudly/shouted. There is nothing worse than losing your kids respect. That hit home. I can't really remember when was the last time I got angry to the point of voicing it loud. In my opinion, losing control is weak )

Maybe you should start a post about this question to get more answers, lol (I think this issue already discussed bf )

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Reactive?

School boy error.

 

[jacketrunner]

You'll find deferent opinions about this issue on this forum.
Some will say expressing your anger when disrespectful, necessary from time to time. The others will advocate the " Distance and Silence" treatment/reaction.

Honesty, at that point in my life, I rarely, if ever got angry to the point of expressing it loudly, I just can't bring myself to the point of losing control. For me " distance and silence " is the way to go. Each for their own

(I actually found a long time ago, when being at a deferent point in my life, that my kids respected me less when I lost control and voiced it loudly/shouted. There is nothing worse than losing your kids respect. That hit home. I can't really remember when was the last time I got angry to the point of voicing it loud. In my opinion, losing control is weak )

Maybe you should start a post about this question to get more answers, lol (I think this issue already discussed bf )

You can express anger without losing control. I think being “stern” might be a better way to describe it.

 

[BeExcellent]

What if she's pissing you off though? Is righteous anger always a bad thing?

One time, with my gf, I got angry about something I thought was disrespectful, and she started trying to win my validation back, and never did it again.

At other times, you might seem butthurt or lacking in self-control. What's the rule of thumb here?

Advice from the old lady:

The rule of thumb is withdraw your attention. Listen. I'm a chick. What you see bandied about here is completely true regarding currency. A man's currency is physical affection. Women know this. That is why physical affection often (not always, but often) becomes a means of dictating the terms of the relationship. When a woman witholds sexual activity from her man it is often her exertion of control over the man. Over time as the woman continues to be allowed to exert this kind of control, she resents it and she loses respect for the man. He becomes too easily manipulated. Whipped, if you will.

If rather than playing by her rules and her exertion of control over access to sex you withdraw your attention (a woman's currency is attention) then you regain your autonomy in the relationship dynamic. Why? Because any woman with 2 ounces of intelligence knows that if she refuses sex AND you disappear for any length of time that you are going to seek physical affection elsewhere. This is the assumption women will make because they know perfectly well that they withheld physical affection...when your response is to withdraw attention the woman is put on notice that you may find physical affection elsewhere.

Search the threads around here on "Silence and Distance". It is spectacularly effective.

So deal in her currency just as she deals in yours.

And regarding anger: Be slow to anger. Exert better self control. Angry people are extremely easy to manipulate. If you need to say your peace about something. Fine. Say it. Define your standard and see if she tows the line. And if she doesn't? Silence and distance up to and including a willingness to walk from the relationship.

 

[sazc]

It's easier to focus on what you said it did than for her to admit she was in the wrong too.

That's why it is SUPER important to always maintain your dignity during disagreements. She's going to poke, prod, and antagonize, always maintain. This way she's got NOTHING on you, and the focus is on her, and her sh1t.

That said, if you need to address her behavior (or whatever caused the initial issue) do not phrase it as "if you hadn't have done X, I wouldn't have reacted that way"

What you need to do is figure out the behavior she did that upset you and have THAT conversation. If she tries to deflect by jumping back to how you behaved, simply say "we've discussed that, I apologized and I will maintain from now on. I want to discuss X that you did"

In order to make this a successful conversation, figure out what she did that you found unacceptable/distespectful, explain that to her, and let her know you expect to not be treated that way again.

If she tries to deflect by jumping back to how you behaved, simply say "we've discussed that, I've apologized and I will maintain from now on. I want to discuss X that you did"

Good luck, these conversations are difficult. Her response will clearly indicate if she sees you as valuable enough to work with/for, or if she's trying to remain the alpha dog/ in charge of the relationship

 

[sazc]

Advice from the old lady:

The rule of thumb is withdraw your attention. Listen. I'm a chick. What you see bandied about here is completely true regarding currency. A man's currency is physical affection. Women know this. That is why physical affection often (not always, but often) becomes a means of dictating the terms of the relationship. When a woman witholds sexual activity from her man it is often her exertion of control over the man. Over time as the woman continues to be allowed to exert this kind of control, she resents it and she loses respect for the man. He becomes too easily manipulated. Whipped, if you will.

If rather than playing by her rules and her exertion of control over access to sex you withdraw your attention (a woman's currency is attention) then you regain your autonomy in the relationship dynamic. Why? Because any woman with 2 ounces of intelligence knows that if she refuses sex AND you disappear for any length of time that you are going to seek physical affection elsewhere. This is the assumption women will make because they know perfectly well that they withheld physical affection...when your response is to withdraw attention the woman is put on notice that you may find physical affection elsewhere.

Search the threads around here on "Silence and Distance". It is spectacularly effective.

So deal in her currency just as she deals in yours.

And regarding anger: Be slow to anger. Exert better self control. Angry people are extremely easy to manipulate. If you need to say your peace about something. Fine. Say it. Define your standard and see if she tows the line. And if she doesn't? Silence and distance up to and including a willingness to walk from the relationship.

@BeExcellent if your current man employed silence and distance with you because of a similar scenario, would you REALLY go chasing after him?

Doubt it