Any chance she might come back?

[richdeniro]

Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I have been seeing her since then... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and going through a divorce - never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up in this situation and I don't really know how it happened! She's still living with her ex-husband although they been separated for 18 months, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then a couple of weeks ago she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink on Sunday night and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and on Monday night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that. She messaged me last night saying 'You ok?' and I didn't reply. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point? I don't know what I'll do if she does.

 

[logicallefty]

Welcome to the forum. The most important thing here isn’t “Will she get back in touch with you”, it’s “Do you want to get back in touch with her”. Sounds like she is toying with your emotions, something women are professionals at. She may still have minimal interest in you but only enough where she would only want to see you until someone better came along. This is a classic situation you will read about on this site hundreds of times. We have all been there. I would cease all contact with her. Delete. Block. Make her a fart in the wind. You deserve better.. Find a woman that doesn’t require so much mental effort. You don’t need this stress right now, or ever. Bang the new woman until she does require mental effort. Then find another. Rinse and repeat.

 

[Banelord]

Older women are like that...they are scared u leave them. I was going after one. We have spark like nothing else..but she scared i will leave her. I have options and to be honest in 5 years our bodies will have a big difference. I will get better as i work out hard and age will catch up with her. She already insecure. Im going to let it go because i do meet a lot of younget pretty girls with no experience. It for the best tho.

 

[soulforge]

Dude what can I say?

She has without any doubt been stringing you along, up until she can hook in another dude, she really wants to be with!

You sir are the BACK UP guy!

I can pretty much guarantee she has been taking other DIKS at the same time as stringing you along!

Are you a man of self respect and dignity?

If the answer is YES then you MUST drop this chick and move the fuk on!

Do you like to be discarded again and again?

You blocked her previously and only lasted one week.. Then you went full BETA mode!

Walk away from this man.. She is using you!

When things don't workout with the other dudes, she will reach out to her reliable back up guy again (You)

You must ignore the fuking Chit out of her!

 

[IKO69]

She may or may not. What are you going to do until then, sit around? Lets say it doesn't happen you wasted a bunch of time. The solution is to improve yourself (you obviously ****ed up somehow) and go after other chicks. If you do that you may at some point no longer care about the other woman. If in the event you ever see her you'll be mentally stronger and in a better frame if you want to make something happen.

 

[soulforge]

She may or may not. What are you going to do until then, sit around? Lets say it doesn't happen you wasted a bunch of time. The solution is to improve yourself (you obviously ****ed up somehow) and go after other chicks. If you do that you may at some point no longer care about the other woman. If in the event you ever see her you'll be mentally stronger and in a better frame if you want to make something happen.

Why would op even consider wanting her back?

Lets say she does come back, after she has wiped the jizz of several other dudes off her face.

Then what? As soon as something better than op comes along, that hoe will be off again!

Is this the best you can do? Do you want to settle down with a fukin liability who could drop your ass at any moment.

OP grow some balls.. Muster up some self respect and go find a woman who ACTUALLY wants to be with YOU

 

[Igetit!]

Why would op even consider wanting her back?

Lets say she does come back, after she has wiped the jizz of several other dudes off her face.

Then what? As soon as something better than op comes along, that hoe will be off again!

Is this the best you can do? Do you want to settle down with a fukin liability who could drop your ass at any moment.

OP grow some balls.. Muster up some self respect and go find a woman who ACTUALLY wants to be with YOU

EXCELLENT POST.

May not be what he wants to hear,but it's damn sure is what HE NEEDS to hear.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Why would op even consider wanting her back?

Lets say she does come back, after she has wiped the jizz of several other dudes off her face.

Then what? As soon as something better than op comes along, that hoe will be off again!

Is this the best you can do? Do you want to settle down with a fukin liability who could drop your ass at any moment.

OP grow some balls.. Muster up some self respect and go find a woman who ACTUALLY wants to be with YOU

What if she doesn't let guys *** in her face?

 

[soulforge]

What if she doesn't let guys *** in her face?

Well pointed out mrgoodstuff.. In that case, I guess op should just marry this slvt

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Well pointed out mrgoodstuff.. In that case, I guess op should just marry this slvt

She had switched to anal for her hookups she was letting her puzzy get tight for her future husband

 

[soulforge]

She had switched to anal for her hookups she was letting her puzzy get tight for her future husband

Lets just hope, the future husband is not OP

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

You are a 38 year old man. You can date women anywhere from 25 to 50, maybe a wider range than that. You need to sit down with yourself and think about where you see your life in 5 years, 10 years, etc. Do you want to be a father one day, stuff like that.

I am older than your ex gf but like her I have 3 kids and I am quite social & constantly meet great men. A year or so ago I had a few dates with a man who was a little younger than I, who is extremely fit & attractive (physical therapist), who has never been married and who has no children. Great, great guy. We remain friends socially & we genuinely like each other. He is also a Christian & wants a woman with traditional values but who likes some nightlife. He liked me quite a lot romantically when we had a few dates. However in conversations he noted he might like to one day have a family. I chose not to become involved with him because he needs the opportunity to find a woman that can give him what he really wants. So I dropped him, which stung him a bit...but I knew right then I wasn't the right woman for him.

Today he is dating a 38 year old veterinarian who loves to dance, has a big heart, is extremely smart/beautiful & he really likes her. She's Buddist so he's wrestling with that...but he is seeing where it goes. His vet lady is divorced but doesn't have children. This is a woman who is a better fit for him. He is very attractive & has plenty of choices and has been on dates with various women from 23 to 48. He likes the vet and discusses her with interest and enthusiasm when I see him out (we run in the same social circle.). It's good to see him happy about his love interest.

Meanwhile I am dating a man who also has 3 children of his own and who is a better fit for me.

She has done you a favor, OP, as much as it hurts you currently. Heal. Go no contact (or stay that way) and be open to other women around you.

You'll find that this place is a wonderful resource. There are younger men & older men, married & single, long term relationship guys and short term relationship guys and the odd chick or two running around.

But your best bet is to heal & move on in this situation. There's someone better suited out there for you.

 

[soulforge]

Advice from the old lady:

You are a 38 year old man. You can date women anywhere from 25 to 50, maybe a wider range than that. You need to sit down with yourself and think about where you see your life in 5 years, 10 years, etc. Do you want to be a father one day, stuff like that.

I am older than your ex gf but like her I have 3 kids and I am quite social & constantly meet great men. A year or so ago I had a few dates with a man who was a little younger than I, who is extremely fit & attractive (physical therapist), who has never been married and who has no children. Great, great guy. We remain friends socially & we genuinely like each other. He is also a Christian & wants a woman with traditional values but who likes some nightlife. He liked me quite a lot romantically when we had a few dates. However in conversations he noted he might like to one day have a family. I chose not to become involved with him because he needs the opportunity to find a woman that can give him what he really wants. So I dropped him, which stung him a bit...but I knew right then I wasn't the right woman for him.

Today he is dating a 38 year old veterinarian who loves to dance, has a big heart, is extremely smart/beautiful & he really likes her. She's Buddist so he's wrestling with that...but he is seeing where it goes. His vet lady is divorced but doesn't have children. This is a woman who is a better fit for him. He is very attractive & has plenty of choices and has been on dates with various women from 23 to 48. He likes the vet and discusses her with interest and enthusiasm when I see him out (we run in the same social circle.). It's good to see him happy about his love interest.

Meanwhile I am dating a man who also has 3 children of his own and who is a better fit for me.

She has done you a favor, OP, as much as it hurts you currently. Heal. Go no contact (or stay that way) and be open to other women around you.

You'll find that this place is a wonderful resource. There are younger men & older men, married & single, long term relationship guys and short term relationship guys and the odd chick or two running around.

But your best bet is to heal & move on in this situation. There's someone better suited out there for you.

This is all great, and it's good to see, that you handled the situation in a decent and honourable manner.

However OP is dealing with a chick who keeps coming back and gives him some hope, that they could work out at some point.

In the meantime she is involved with several other guys, and more than likely seeing these people!

This woman is of low quality.. OP needs to cease all contact with her, and move the fuk on!

 

[BeExcellent]

This is all great, and it's good to see, that you handled the situation in a decent and honourable manner.

However OP is dealing with a chick who keeps coming back and gives him some hope, that they could work out at some point.

In the meantime she is involved with several other guys, and more than likely seeing these people!

This woman is of low quality.. OP needs to cease all contact with her, and move the fuk on!

Thank you.

I'm simply encouraging the OP to do what is best FOR HIMSELF, irrespective of what the ex gf does. Is she stringing him along until recently? Indeed she was. But she has also been blunt in the end (and had he read the tea leaves earlier yes he would have done better to accept her break up then...).

Is the ex gf "low quality?" I don't think it is quite that simple. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. The way the story plays out makes a certain amount of sense.

People are emotionally driven. Men and women both. Here the community likes to say that men are rational and not emotional; women are emotional and not rational...but in fact all humans are both rational AND emotional and to varying degrees that is in constant flux at any given moment.

The ex gf has emotion toward the OP, certainly. They became emotionally entangled. At some point the gf realized they weren't a good fit (this is a pragmatic and rational conclusion) and tried to break away, but OP and she have emotional ties and so she succumbed again to his desire...whilst still knowing they weren't a good fit. So she began seeking other men who were a better fit (since she didn't have the strength to simply leave him) and through that process she has gained the ability to finally leave him. He remains emotionally yearning for her as evidenced by his post. However she is finally gone (and this was the correct decision) but does care about him (You OK?). That isn't an attempt to reconnect. It's a concern about his welfare because she knows he is hurting. She needs a man who she RELATES with better (a parent, someone who isn't going to suddenly want children, which she is too old to provide, someone who is going to understand all the practical obligations that children require - which WILL take her time away from him and frustrate him since he has no kids and therefore no frame of reference in that sense)...but she allowed herself to be swept up into his desire for her - and his desire for her was likely somewhat flattering initially...until reality started to settle in.

So that is my analysis of WHY she broke things off. Should she have gotten involved in the first place? Maybe not, but people get swept up in emotion all the time so I think it's somewhat human that this happened.

The OP needs to simply move forward in his own life regardless. That is the best thing he can do for himself.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

If you move on, start banging and hanging with other babes sure. You will be in single man mode and not need her at all . Shell try to get with you after she see your confidence, secure and stuff .

 

[Billtx49]

Watch the movie Swingers, it expains the process well. By the time she comes back you won’t want her because you have established a new life with other opportunities and new women.
Concentrate on how the main characters life evolves after his break up…

 

[richdeniro]

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was a name I saw on her phone. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, massive burly guy and a complete racist with the stuff he posts.

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final message to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

I'm quite certain he was a guy she had a fling with a few months before me as I asked her when we got together if I was the first person she'd been with after her divorce and she said she was with a guy for a couple of weeks last year but she called it off because she said he was the type of guy who had 4 kids by 4 different women. I think she got back in touch with him during our three week breakup in May and was the person she was 'seeing' when I initially got back in touch with her. I don't know if they have met up in all the time since May but clearly they have been messaging a lot.

 

[richdeniro]

Thanks for all the replies by the way. It has helped.

 

[Billtx49]

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was a name I saw on her phone. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, massive burly guy and a complete racist with the stuff he posts.

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final message to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

I'm quite certain he was a guy she had a fling with a few months before me as I asked her when we got together if I was the first person she'd been with after her divorce and she said she was with a guy for a couple of weeks last year but she called it off because she said he was the type of guy who had 4 kids by 4 different women. I think she got back in touch with him during our three week breakup in May and was the person she was 'seeing' when I initially got back in touch with her. I don't know if they have met up in all the time since May but clearly they have been messaging a lot.

Establish the attitude that she’s not your concern and problem anymore …

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was a name I saw on her phone. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, massive burly guy and a complete racist with the stuff he posts.

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final message to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

I'm quite certain he was a guy she had a fling with a few months before me as I asked her when we got together if I was the first person she'd been with after her divorce and she said she was with a guy for a couple of weeks last year but she called it off because she said he was the type of guy who had 4 kids by 4 different women. I think she got back in touch with him during our three week breakup in May and was the person she was 'seeing' when I initially got back in touch with her. I don't know if they have met up in all the time since May but clearly they have been messaging a lot.

Stop talking about her. Start doing what you need to do.