Hey Oldman, Thank you for your detailed POV. You also hit on a lot of things I am going through. I am not depressed, just frustrated at my social life. I had an feeling in my stomach that the marriage was not going to work, but so many things were coming at me at once, I caved into the pressure. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I had the power to call of the wedding, and I failed. My mind was so sure it was going to fail that I met with a divorce lawyer prior to marriage to go over how to protect my savings and home in the case of divorce. He suggested a prenup, but that didn't go over well. She flipped out when I suggested it. That should had been the first sign, but I was thinking who else would want me, so I caved again and back peddled. I was actually thinking the marriage was going okay until I over heard her talking about us and I just was crushed when her real feelings were revealed to everyone but me (I really felt like a freaking laughing stock, so I stopped going to her family events. She was at one last dinner with my family and made fun of my medical issues. She was the only one who thought it was funny. She said the way he walks, he sounds like Man-of-Arms - so embarrassing). I knew at that time, I had to have a backbone and plan for a divorce on my time table, not hers. From the first I heard of her true feelings of me (even her friends and family said there was something wrong with her thinking a number of times about me), I knew it was going to get worse and I needed to plan my exit. There were many telltale signs I missed. Sporadic sex during the engagement stage, not inviting me out to her friends and co-workers, not wearing her ring, not taking my name when it was agreed prior (and she announced to her family that she would), not going to counseling, no interest in trying for a kid anymore, telling me to pull out when we did have sex, but for the last 5+ years wanted me to ejaculate inside her, not trying to work on the marriage, not sharing in the household duties, communication failures, request for an open marriage (a year in), etc. After I heard that junk, I made up my mind to jettison her. 3.5 months later I got her to leave on her own; which was a big legal win.
I do not have social anxiety issues. I public speak all the time for work in front of hundreds of people. However, there are some issues that I am still going through that makes socializing a choir. I suffer from cluster headaches from time to time. I am in a lot of pain due to the accident. The multiple surgeries helped a lot, but my neck does lock up from time to time. More surgeries to come, but they feel I will eventually be okay. I have a medical marijuana license, so that helps. Basically, that accident ruined my social life. Thus, I tried hard to hang on to my ex-wife for better or worse. I can take a lot of things, but I draw the line at disrespect. She had many issues where I had to help. Normally, I naturally assumed, since she was my wife, I was legally and morally responsible for her safety and well being. She had issues at work, so since I work independently for the city counsel, I smoothed things over for her multiple times. Once we got married, she was treated much better at work. The CEO of her hospital even walked up to her to confirm I was her husband. She was given a much bigger rope to hang herself; which she eventually did. She had a big problem a month before I kicked her out. She said can't you do something? I said, all out of favors. Besides, you said all my advice and help was wrong. You can handle it yourself.. You're a big girl. I was repeating something she said numerous times on the phone when she thought I wasn't around. She turned white as I walked away. She kept her job, but was transferred to another dept.
I learned a lot from this sham relationship. I do the bare minimum for everyone now, if anything. I help, not do, even with family. Just sick and tired of being taken advantage of. Many people mistook my kindness for weakness. They were wrong. I hired the best divorce lawyer in NJ/NYC. She didn't have a chance. She's also broke, so that helped a lot too. I received a lot of vindication from the divorce. Ironically, a lot of my pain subsided, and only acts up a couple times a week. You'd never notice it unless you know me. I have a pretty high threshold for pain. I also get steroid shots without a numbing agent in my spine and neck once a month. Never fun, but it controls the inflammation. However, I just have to watch what I do. I worry about a spasm or an attack, so that is why I limit myself going out. I do it for work, as I need to earn a living. However, it's carefully planned in advance and I have cancelled if I get the pre-pain sensations.
Life is hell. The accident ruined my social life. She often said to me, if you weren't in that accident, you would had gotten rid of me a long time ago. However, this was during the time I thought all was good. But she's right, before the accident, I would had gotten rid of her during the engagement phase if she pulled this type of bs. She once said you've not seen the real me. She only comes out when my limits are pushed. She wanted me to either put her on the deed or move near her parents. I refused on both accords. We had an agreement on if any when we'd move it would be down the line 5 - 7 years from now.
In summary, I know what to look for now. I get matches in waives. Two weeks ago, I had nearly a dozen matches that wanted to meet up. Some I closed, most just ghosted. I know I need to continue to work on myself, and I will. However, I am mentally planning myself to just go life alone. It's just how my hand in life was dealt.
I feel too pathetic to talk to anyone else about this. I guess I was looking for some direction here, which I received. I will use that and attempt to right the social ship in my life.
