Need help coping, post-breakup with a borderline personality disorder (BPD) woman

[Spaz]

It is not only BPD women, after 3 years (or sometimes way more), she was so interwoven in all the aspects of your life that it is almost impossible to eliminate her influences. So accept that. She may always be part of who you are, but the difference will be on how you deal with it and what you do to allow yourself time to grow. Initially you would and will do anything to get that fix, as she was your drug of choice. You associate her with all the pleasant memories you shared as a couple, forgetting the disrespect, the inconsistency, the lies, and the dismemberment of what you are as a man. No contact is a good start, but it is a defensive move. You need to become offensive as in deciding what you want to be when you grow up! Education, employment, lifestyle are all choices you now get to make for YOU. She is dead. Accept it, grieve and then bury her figuratively and move to the amazing life choice opened to you by her leaving. So my friend you decide. What, where, who, do you want to be a year from now? It is no longer about where you were, it is where are you going. Good luck on your soon to be amazing journey.

^Great post !

 

[Focal core]

One of the things that I can take from that Thread is that most guys posting had been with a BPD and I don' recognise 95% of this usernames. That tells me that they all moved on and I assume are now happy in whatever relationships they now have.
Most people look for BPD success stories of moving on amd I think that alone shows that people often do move on but don' feel the need to pop back up years down the line saying so.

Thanks for the link.

not all cases ppl with bpd moving on, people with caregiver/people pleaser personalities has a hard time moving on due to their almost identical relationship dynamics with pwbpd and the relationships dynamics feels natural with them, kudos to who does move on with that baggage on them.

 

[Focal core]

i had encounter one person that has people pleaser personality and they will become become narcissistic. he at my workplace and he always wanted to correct me if he had a chance, even im doing no wrong, and he feels insulted if i refuse to listen and he will blows, his self worth and validation depends on it.. poor old guy.

 

[051AV]

i had encounter one person that has people pleaser personality and they will become become narcissistic. he at my workplace and he always wanted to correct me if he had a chance, even im doing no wrong, and he feels insulted if i refuse to listen and he will blows, his self worth and validation depends on it.. poor old guy.

My replacement is a people pleaser he would do anything to please people, he used to bend over backwards for my ex, what she wanted she got even if he didn't want to do it. He's narcissistic as you can get, loved gloating about his successes. He wanted to be the center of attention all the time, he would start pouting if he nobody paid attention to him. She's dumped him he's all upset lol.

 

[Focal core]

lol rarely does pwbpd would dump these kind of guy for good, usually she will return to him for more narc supllies.. both have attachment fears, both are pathetically the same... they feed each other until it blows over hiroshima style.

 

[051AV]

lol rarely does pwbpd would dump these kind of guy for good, usually she will return to him for more narc supllies.. both have attachment fears, both are pathetically the same... they feed each other until it blows over hiroshima style.

I think it has blown up now, he's too clingy for her, she really likes having her own space she likes being alone, she tried living with him and he drove her nuts, she would be upset looking for me for comfort. She finally moved in with him it lasted a year, she needed a place to stay to go to college, she's kicked him to the curb and I'm assuming got her own place moved out of his house.

 

[MrAddiction]

she really likes having her own space she likes being alone

A BPD that liked being alone and having her own place? Sounds strange. I experienced the opposite.

 

[wolf]

A BPD that liked being alone and having her own place? Sounds strange. I experienced the opposite.

I agree. It' not that they like being alone. It' that they need to create distance from you by saying they need to be alone.. when in reality they will go out with friends or go hook up with some other dude without your suspicion.

 

[MrAddiction]

I agree. It' not that they like being alone. It' that they need to create distance from you by saying they need to be alone.. when in reality they will go out with friends or go hook up with some other dude without your suspicion.

Exactly.

 

[Focal core]

no doubt

 

[051AV]

A BPD that liked being alone and having her own place? Sounds strange. I experienced the opposite.

She liked to have her alone time, she did spend it at her place she lived at, she liked it when I checked in on her, she is a scorpio she loves solitude, being around large groups of people isn't her thing. We could sit together and just have quiet time she liked that. The guy she replaced me with could talk the ear off a brass monkey, he wouldn't stop talking I don't think he liked silence.

she is a scorpio woman they need solitude, when she was with me we could sit together and not even talk she loved quiet time. The guy she replaced me with could talk the ear off a brass monkey, the man never fvcking shut up talk talk talk, he needed to hear himself talk. The number 1 reason why I got replaced she couldn't control me no matter how much she tried I always stood my ground with her. She could walk all over my replacement, snap her fingers he would jump and kiss her a** till the cows come home, plus the fact she loved his money, he easily spent 500-1000 a month on her, what she wanted she got.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Quiet time is one thing, being TRULY alone is another. BPD people can't be truly alone. That means they always have to be in a relationship of some sort. My ex liked to shut herself away in her office, or go for drives alone, or hikes alone with the dogs etc. But that kind of alone is different than the kind of alone where you are not in a romantic relationship. The reason they can't handle being alone is that they project their needs onto other people. They feel like they have a giant void inside of them and this void causes them to feel anxious, lonely, angry, and afraid. The biggest thing about a BPD person is that they are TOTALLY unwilling and unable to look inside themselves to address the core issues that are causing these feelings. It's too painful and difficult and to be honest, I don't even know that a person with BPD has the mental capability to sort all this out even if they wanted to. So instead of focusing inward on fixing their issues, they look externally for the cure. This is why they are often so compulsive with everything from purchases to pets to relationships to jobs. Whatever they are feeling at a point in time is caused by something outside of themselves and they believe ALL their problems will be solved if they could just get a different car, different job, different boyfriend, new pet, new shoes, whatever. Having a relationship is one of the greatest ways they can get their needs met because people are capable of providing them with a lot more of what they need than objects are. BPD people jump from one relationship to another for this reason with no time in between because they cannot handle being alone.

You just have to look to their past to understand their future. They don't change. My ex was in two LTRs before me. One of them was a year. The next was about 2 or 3 years. Then I came along and we were together 6 years. There was never more than 1-6 months MAX between those LTRs. So when she left me, I knew it would be about the same amount of time before she found someone else. I was right. She ended up getting together with a beta male orbiter she knew from before she and I even met. It was super easy for her because he was right there, and beta males make great partners for BPD women because they don't stand up for themselves and offer a lot of attention and forgiveness and service that the selfish BPD woman cannot live without. BPD women often tend to date men who are less attractive than they are because they know their looks will hook the beta male in and cause him to put up with her mistreatment.

I think a lot of people (non-BPD people) sometimes follow some of these patterns to a lesser extent. Meaning, it's easier to look externally for fulfillment and cures than internally. Part of what led me to sosuave and TRP was watching my ex constantly search for external fixes. It didn't work for her and I knew it wouldn't work for me either. TRP is all about being responsible for yourself and making the effort to improve yourself and understand the reality of things. The more time you spend learning this stuff, the easier it will be to understand your ex and leave her in your past.

 

[MrAddiction]

she is a scorpio she loves solitude, being around large groups of people isn't her thing

I am not I into that zodiac stuff. But mine was also a Scorpio and she absoluty could not stand crows of peolpe but on the other hand could not be on her own. When I threw her out she started drinking cause she could not stand being alone. As soon as she replaced me, and the other guy moved in, the drinking was quit.

The number 1 reason why I got replaced she couldn't control me no matter how much she tried I always stood my ground with her

I can also second that. Throwing her out was too much for her, she realized pretty soon, she had no power any more. And that must have triggered tremendous abandonment fears.

 

[Billtx49]

All the signs were there in the beginning, but I chose to ignore them

How do you recover from something like this?

Recovery from one of these women takes longer than usual. When you rationalized away all the early red flags, you formed an opinion of her as a healthy and decent person despite her quirks and sometimes really odd behavior. Time with her eventually let you know she wasn’t healthy at all…

Now that it’s over, both your mind and feelings have to completely reconcile that difference.
The logical learned knowledge about her comes first and fast, but the emotion side hangs on longer than it should after a BPD experience.
That’s why after 3 years with her, psych counselor help is a good idea to speed your recovery up.

 

[Focal core]

Quiet time is one thing, being TRULY alone is another. BPD people can't be truly alone. That means they always have to be in a relationship of some sort. My ex liked to shut herself away in her office, or go for drives alone, or hikes alone with the dogs etc. But that kind of alone is different than the kind of alone where you are not in a romantic relationship. The reason they can't handle being alone is that they project their needs onto other people. They feel like they have a giant void inside of them and this void causes them to feel anxious, lonely, angry, and afraid. The biggest thing about a BPD person is that they are TOTALLY unwilling and unable to look inside themselves to address the core issues that are causing these feelings. It's too painful and difficult and to be honest, I don't even know that a person with BPD has the mental capability to sort all this out even if they wanted to. So instead of focusing inward on fixing their issues, they look externally for the cure. This is why they are often so compulsive with everything from purchases to pets to relationships to jobs. Whatever they are feeling at a point in time is caused by something outside of themselves and they believe ALL their problems will be solved if they could just get a different car, different job, different boyfriend, new pet, new shoes, whatever. Having a relationship is one of the greatest ways they can get their needs met because people are capable of providing them with a lot more of what they need than objects are. BPD people jump from one relationship to another for this reason with no time in between because they cannot handle being alone.

You just have to look to their past to understand their future. They don't change. My ex was in two LTRs before me. One of them was a year. The next was about 2 or 3 years. Then I came along and we were together 6 years. There was never more than 1-6 months MAX between those LTRs. So when she left me, I knew it would be about the same amount of time before she found someone else. I was right. She ended up getting together with a beta male orbiter she knew from before she and I even met. It was super easy for her because he was right there, and beta males make great partners for BPD women because they don't stand up for themselves and offer a lot of attention and forgiveness and service that the selfish BPD woman cannot live without. BPD women often tend to date men who are less attractive than they are because they know their looks will hook the beta male in and cause him to put up with her mistreatment.

I think a lot of people (non-BPD people) sometimes follow some of these patterns to a lesser extent. Meaning, it's easier to look externally for fulfillment and cures than internally. Part of what led me to sosuave and TRP was watching my ex constantly search for external fixes. It didn't work for her and I knew it wouldn't work for me either. TRP is all about being responsible for yourself and making the effort to improve yourself and understand the reality of things. The more time you spend learning this stuff, the easier it will be to understand your ex and leave her in your past.

Too many people grow up believing that deep, dramatic feelings of longing, yearning and craving for someone are what "love" is supposed to feel like~ but genuine love feels reciprocal, steady, nourishing, consistent and safe. It never produces anguish.

~from shaari site

this should be a guidlines for guys that are still looking for healthy relationship.

 

[DreamAgain]

I'm in a similar process right now. Going no contact for good, will ignore all texts/calls/e-mails. This ho really did a number on me, all my fault though by letting her, it takes two to tango.

Here's to our recovery mate, cheers.

 

[stovepipe]

I'm in a similar process right now. Going no contact for good, will ignore all texts/calls/e-mails. This ho really did a number on me, all my fault though by letting her, it takes two to tango.

Here's to our recovery mate, cheers.

You got this man! Never ever break contact! I've read enough about Cluster B's to know that the worst injury you can cause them to go and stay NC forever. They love any attention even if its telling her to fuk off or how much of a pos she is. To them it shows they are still in control. You will go through different stages of pain. It will hurt a lot, but as time goes the pain will lessen. You will come out knowing so much more about life and most importantly about yourself.

 

[DreamAgain]

You got this man! Never ever break contact! I've read enough books about Cluster B to know that worst injury your cause them to go and stay NC. They love any attention even if its telling her to fuk off or how much of a pos she is. To them it shows they are still in control. You will go through different stages of pain. It will hurt a lot, but as time goes the pain will lessen. You will come out knowing so much more about life and most importantly about yourself.

Thanks my tiger friend, silence it will be. Maybe she'll think I'm dead. Maybe that I'm banging a victoria's secret model. She'll never know.

 

[051AV]

Quiet time is one thing, being TRULY alone is another. BPD people can't be truly alone. That means they always have to be in a relationship of some sort. My ex liked to shut herself away in her office, or go for drives alone, or hikes alone with the dogs etc. But that kind of alone is different than the kind of alone where you are not in a romantic relationship. The reason they can't handle being alone is that they project their needs onto other people. They feel like they have a giant void inside of them and this void causes them to feel anxious, lonely, angry, and afraid. The biggest thing about a BPD person is that they are TOTALLY unwilling and unable to look inside themselves to address the core issues that are causing these feelings. It's too painful and difficult and to be honest, I don't even know that a person with BPD has the mental capability to sort all this out even if they wanted to. So instead of focusing inward on fixing their issues, they look externally for the cure. This is why they are often so compulsive with everything from purchases to pets to relationships to jobs. Whatever they are feeling at a point in time is caused by something outside of themselves and they believe ALL their problems will be solved if they could just get a different car, different job, different boyfriend, new pet, new shoes, whatever. Having a relationship is one of the greatest ways they can get their needs met because people are capable of providing them with a lot more of what they need than objects are. BPD people jump from one relationship to another for this reason with no time in between because they cannot handle being alone.

You just have to look to their past to understand their future. They don't change. My ex was in two LTRs before me. One of them was a year. The next was about 2 or 3 years. Then I came along and we were together 6 years. There was never more than 1-6 months MAX between those LTRs. So when she left me, I knew it would be about the same amount of time before she found someone else. I was right. She ended up getting together with a beta male orbiter she knew from before she and I even met. It was super easy for her because he was right there, and beta males make great partners for BPD women because they don't stand up for themselves and offer a lot of attention and forgiveness and service that the selfish BPD woman cannot live without. BPD women often tend to date men who are less attractive than they are because they know their looks will hook the beta male in and cause him to put up with her mistreatment.

I think a lot of people (non-BPD people) sometimes follow some of these patterns to a lesser extent. Meaning, it's easier to look externally for fulfillment and cures than internally. Part of what led me to sosuave and TRP was watching my ex constantly search for external fixes. It didn't work for her and I knew it wouldn't work for me either. TRP is all about being responsible for yourself and making the effort to improve yourself and understand the reality of things. The more time you spend learning this stuff, the easier it will be to understand your ex and leave her in your past.

My exes last BF threw her out she was hunting for a replacement a month afterwards, I was wondering why she was in such a hurry to get in a relationship with me she came on strong. Our relationship didn't really last long but we stayed friends because her and I had to work together I wasn't the easy push over she expected. She says she goes after weak men, she picked the wrong guy, I may have looked weak because I was run ragged from job burnout, I was over weight with a big gut hanging off me. I don't put up with sh*t she found that out quickly, our fights were intense.

 

[051AV]

I am not I into that zodiac stuff. But mine was also a Scorpio and she absoluty could not stand crows of peolpe but on the other hand could not be on her own. When I threw her out she started drinking cause she could not stand being alone. As soon as she replaced me, and the other guy moved in, the drinking was quit.

I can also second that. Throwing her out was too much for her, she realized pretty soon, she had no power any more. And that must have triggered tremendous abandonment fears.

I got the silent treatment a lot when she said she needed space she was grooming my replacement, she told me she was seeing somebody else, I was mad at the time as I didn't know about BPD or she had BPD, all I knew is she is mentally ill. When I cut her off our friendship she went ape sh*t on me that's when she picked the biggest fight we ever had I fought dirty. I made damn well every body knew she is sick in the head, I kept her mental illness a secret for 3 years, I didn't give a sh*t anymore her true colors appeared people seen it. I told her right off the bat don't fvck with me I don't put up with sh*t, she seen it at work, I can be aggressive when I want something done I get it done. She was shocked how I handled people said I was too pushy, she went to college and learned business management, said the way I handled things was improper. I supposedly hurt her feelings a lot I would always get the lecture from her about how I affect people, she was meaning her.