Lack of communication and the drama that ensued

[Gravitas]

Good day everyone,

I've been exclusive with this girl for more than a year now. Great girl in many aspects. I've never been needy or too nice, on the contrary. I started applying some DJ rules several years ago and it worked great for me.

Here's what happened:

Couple of months ago, I applied for a school of engineering for which I had high hopes, unfortunately I received a negative answer three weeks ago. It really affected me and I didn't know how to talk about it with my girlfriend. When I finally decided to tell her the sh*tstorm began, she started crying and kept repeating me that I didn't trust her enough to tell her right away.

She then started a rant about how unavailable I am, that I have some kind of hard shell around me, that she always considered me as a player, how in love she was, how disapointed she is and that she needs some time to think,... you get the picture. I hope you get it, because I don't. If I'm such a bad person, why did she stayed with me for such a long period of time? All this makes no sense to me. I told her that she can have all the time she wants because I'm not going to wait on her decision. NC mode is on.

So what are your thoughts on this?

I'm probably making a mistake trying to find the rationale in this mess. But since there's always something to do regarding self-improvement, your comments are welcome.



Gravitas

 

[Spidah]

The bytch is trying to manipulate you like women always do. The shyt testing never stops my man. Putting her on ice was the right move. If she doesn't fix her attitude ASAP she needs to get dropped.

Get some more plates and stay focused on engineering. Don't let these wack bitches throw you off your game even for a second.

 

[wifehunter]

you had me at "DJ rules"....

Your first mistake is thinking this some type of code or something.

It's about freedom...freedom from the bullsh!t rules, society puts on men.

It's not what we 'do', it's what we 'ARE'!

If you can understand the difference between 'being' and 'doing', you're headed in the right direction.

Don't be a wannabe.

 

[Red Legg]

Your first mistake is thinking this some type of code or something.

The most important DJ rule is....1) there are no rules.

 

[Gravitas]

Thank you all for your input, you are absolutely correct about 'DJ rules'. I have to admit that english is not my first language so there might be some misunderstanding, but I have no excuse for not phrasing my thoughts correctly. To make things clear, there's no code or rule that dictate how I or we behave in our personal life, Nanukec is spot on with not being robotic. The term 'rules' was convenience of language, don't get too excited or offended about it.

Anyway, thank you all for your replies.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

tell her to fvck off and quit fviking crying, dump her on her azz and get back with her when she comes crawling back

<3

 

[marmel75]

She is kind of right. You basically are keeping her at arms length. You have reached a point where its either all in or all out in her mind. You are still trying to play both sides of the fence depending on what it is.

She is important enough to tell some things to but not others. What does that say about how serious you are about her? How would that look to you if she did the same thing with something important?

 

[BeExcellent]

Thoughts from the old lady:

A LTR is not the same dynamic as the dating game when you are just getting to know someone.

There should be well established trust a year in. She is reacting like this because she feels you were hiding the information from her.

Now I also think it's a big disappointment for you at the moment...and her having s crying fit and her (I'm making an assumption here) not being concerned about how you must be feeling and not having a "Ok. Stuff happens. What's the plan going forward?" attitude is more telling.

If my boyfriend were to run into a disappointment like this I'd be supportive & encouraging & ask him what is his next move.

And it has nothing to do with being a player etc.

She doesn't trust you. That's your issue where she is concerned. You sort out your future & if she's too insecure to trust you? Not the right girl anyway. Might as well know now.

 

[Trump]

Couple of months ago, I applied for a school of engineering for which I had high hopes, unfortunately I received a negative answer three weeks ago. It really affected me and I didn't know how to talk about it with my girlfriend.

I hope you get it, because I don't. If I'm such a bad person, why did she stayed with me for such a long period of time?

Really bro? You applied for the School of Engineering and you don't get it?

She didn't stay with you because you are such a bad person. She stayed with you because you:

1) Fit her agenda
2) There was no one else "better" at the time

How hard is that to figure out?

I told her that she can have all the time she wants because I'm not going to wait on her decision. NC mode is on.

So what are your thoughts on this?

She didn't offend you, she didn't say "You are too dumb to get in Engineering." She thought she connected with you and you didn't.

No contact is when you want nothing to do with the girl, not to say "I have hand." If you can't clearly rationalize your thoughts, expectations, goals, and dreams with a 20 something year old girl, and if you have to invoke "No Contact" to prove your point, you have lost the game.

 

[The Diver]

Good day everyone,

I've been exclusive with this girl for more than a year now. Great girl in many aspects. I've never been needy or too nice, on the contrary. I started applying some DJ rules several years ago and it worked great for me.

Here's what happened:

Couple of months ago, I applied for a school of engineering for which I had high hopes, unfortunately I received a negative answer three weeks ago. It really affected me and I didn't know how to talk about it with my girlfriend. When I finally decided to tell her the sh*tstorm began, she started crying and kept repeating me that I didn't trust her enough to tell her right away.

She then started a rant about how unavailable I am, that I have some kind of hard shell around me, that she always considered me as a player, how in love she was, how disapointed she is and that she needs some time to think,... you get the picture. I hope you get it, because I don't. If I'm such a bad person, why did she stayed with me for such a long period of time? All this makes no sense to me. I told her that she can have all the time she wants because I'm not going to wait on her decision. NC mode is on.

So what are your thoughts on this?

I'm probably making a mistake trying to find the rationale in this mess. But since there's always something to do regarding self-improvement, your comments are welcome.



Gravitas

Maybe I'm in the minority here reading the scenario , but to me it's look like :
your application for engineering school failed , you are not going to be the successful and a solid provider for her as she expected you to be in the future ,and she moved on to find someone else who will be.
Her lack of trust excuse, is just an excuse to move on, nothing more.

 

[AJ84]

Thoughts from the old lady:

A LTR is not the same dynamic as the dating game when you are just getting to know someone.

There should be well established trust a year in. She is reacting like this because she feels you were hiding the information from her.

Now I also think it's a big disappointment for you at the moment...and her having s crying fit and her (I'm making an assumption here) not being concerned about how you must be feeling and not having a "Ok. Stuff happens. What's the plan going forward?" attitude is more telling.

If my boyfriend were to run into a disappointment like this I'd be supportive & encouraging & ask him what is his next move.

And it has nothing to do with being a player etc.

She doesn't trust you. That's your issue where she is concerned. You sort out your future & if she's too insecure to trust you? Not the right girl anyway. Might as well know now.

I was thinking that too. She made it all about her and was probably holding that in for a while, only to blow up at a time when he needed her support.

That's what happens when you bite your tongue for too long. If she was unhappy she should of said something earlier and for all we know she acted like everything was ok and he assumed as much.

 

[AJ84]

shes grown resentful. you tried too hard to force aloofness, indifference etc.

no one said youre not allowed to enjoy your relationship or fall for a girl. otherwise whats the point really? too many newbs think being a pua or don juan means avoiding relationships and love at all costs. the fools

the power dynamic was just way too steep in your favor. she was operating in your frame with no give from you. but things never last this way. this deficit is now balancing itself out on its own par for the course.

her resentment has grown to detachment. she'll be easy pickings for a more charming man. trying to fix this situation by giving in to her demands at this point will ironically backfire now. best to spend some time apart without really holding out hope though i think you can still salvage your relationship. its up to you to decide whether you should

You pointed out something that seems to be missing from this forum, which is enjoying the relationship. It's refreshing for this to be pointed out because much of the time the discussion around relationships with woman plays like a cheese game sprinkled with self doubt, second guessing, paralysis analysis, and paranoia.

That's not limited to this forum either, I've heard women talk like that too.

If the whole dating/ relationship is based on how to 'outdraw' the other person, what's the point of that in the long run? It would be exhausting.

 

[Spaz]

Maybe I'm in the minority here reading the scenario , but to me it's look like :
your application for engineering school failed , you are not going to be the successful and a solid provider for her as she expected you to be in the future ,and she moved on to find someone else who will be.
Her lack of trust excuse, is just an excuse to move on, nothing more.

Looks like she's already unhappy for some time but bottle it up as he has potential.

When said potential looks unlikely, she let it ripped.

She'll be branch swinging soon. And if I'm OP, I'll drop her ASAP.

 

[BeExcellent]

Maybe I'm in the minority here reading the scenario , but to me it's look like :
your application for engineering school failed , you are not going to be the successful and a solid provider for her as she expected you to be in the future ,and she moved on to find someone else who will be.
Her lack of trust excuse, is just an excuse to move on, nothing more.

That occurred to me too. Sometimes a disappointment is an opportunity. An opportunity to see what your partner is like when the chips are down in this case. I'm not impressed with how she handled this at all.

Until something happens in life that is a hurdle you can't know how your gf will handle bumps in the road. So be grateful to find out...and you can find someone who will have your back instead of someone who kicks you when you are down.

 

[Spaz]

That occurred to me too. Sometimes a disappointment is an opportunity. An opportunity to see what your partner is like when the chips are down in this case. I'm not impressed with how she handled this at all.

Until something happens in life that is a hurdle you can't know how your gf will handle bumps in the road. So be grateful to find out...and you can find someone who will have your back instead of someone who kicks you when you are down.

I do hope OP takes it easy.

It's a big blow to get both his hopes (school and gf) swept right under his feet.

But it's a big opportunity too.

He has the opportunity to dump her before being too invested with her like marriage and kids.

And he has an opportunity to try at other universities, where he will experience something different with the right mindset.

 

[Gravitas]

I do take it easy, there is always another opportunity, my main interrogation was more about her reaction.

On that note, some of you did bring up an interesting point about her being resentful for some time now. That's a valid point, but I have a hard time understanding why would someone break up with a person invoking a lack of trust and unavailabilty when said person was behaving like that from the begining. Another ''he will change eventually'' situation I guess. Anyway, let's not make whole fuss about it.

It was interesting reading you all. Thanks for your input.

 

[The Duke]

So you have the "remain a challenge, be mysterious, care less about the relationship than she does" part down real well and that's the attraction that drives her crazy and why she stays, yet it pisses her off that you won't open up, be more vulnerable, give her some power, and expose yourself more.

Sounds about right! Maybe give in a little bit here and there, but don't change who you are. I get accused of this crap quite often. I ignore most of it. They can take me as I am or leave.

 

[guru1000]

That occurred to me too. Sometimes a disappointment is an opportunity. An opportunity to see what your partner is like when the chips are down in this case. I'm not impressed with how she handled this at all.

I find it great to exploit disappointments and mishaps, and perhaps over-emphasize conflicts of opinions strongly in the beginning to see how the communication between both you and she plays out.

I had something similar play out this weekend with a very young plate. 30 days in, everything is great. But I sense there is a little temperamental disturbance in this young one. So we go to a venue, and she gets into a disagreement with the hostess/manager, Red Flag Numero Uno. Following this, for about one hour, she seems to be abnormally in her head and checked out, seemly incited by the argument with the hostess.

Guru: You OK? Do you need another drink?

Her: No, I'm fine.

Guru: I'm glad that you're fine, but you seem very reclused. I'm here to have fun, so let's have fun

Her: Ok. (But still reclused)

Guru: What's up?

Her: Well, I didn't like the way you were in the previous place

Guru: Me? Really? Do tell

Her: No it's fine.

Guru: No I'd like to be able to discuss things (Notice, I press on her, to see what she is all about, rather than let it go. I deliberately do this to see if we are compatible on a deeper level.)

Her: Well, you didn't seem to be enjoying yourself, <and she goes off on me for not seemly enjoying myself at a place she invited me too although I was>

Guru: Well I'm sorry you feel that way, however, what you say about my not enjoying myself and how I was feeling is not true

Her: <She calls me a liar and goes off on me some more> LOL

Guru: OK, time to go (with a smile)

Sometimes it best to press in the beginning to incite the red flags. No regrets leaving this one.

 

[BeExcellent]

I find it great to exploit disappointments and mishaps, and perhaps over-emphasize conflicts of opinions strongly in the beginning to see how the communication between both you and she plays out.

I had something similar play out this weekend with a very young plate. 30 days in, everything is great. But I sense there is a little temperamental disturbance in this young one. So we go to a venue, and she gets into a disagreement with the hostess/manager, Red Flag Numero Uno. Following this, for about one hour, she seems to be abnormally in her head and checked out, seemly incited by the argument with the hostess.



Sometimes it best to press in the beginning to incite the red flags. No regrets leaving this one.

Agreed. Best to see early on if you can how someone acts about this sort of thing. I was bothered by something relatively early on by the BF (I don't recall exactly what now) and we went to dinner. I was quiet. Moody even. That is not my natural state.

I didn't really want a discussion about it. So he pushed for exactly that. I was afraid he would find my grievance petty and I wanted to process through it without discussion but he insisted. So after a little prodding from him we chatted about it. I was direct. He listened & understood. It relieved the moodiness & tension & cleared the air. Since that occurrence communication has been direct and forthright, and immediate if a situation comes up from his or my perspective.

That doesn't mean we never fight. We do sometimes. But it means we fight in a way that airs things out...and then we can move forward.

It's still two steps forwards & one step back at times...but it's generally positive. Depends what day I get asked, lol.

I'd rather go forward this way as opposed to afraid to face conflict in relationship. We can see the investment of the other person even if we are having a moment when we don't like the other person. (He wasn't my favorite person last night and I told him so.)

This idea that relationships are all sunbeams, daffodils & Kumbyah is complete fantasy & sets you up for disappointment.

 

[guru1000]

Agreed. Best to see early on if you can how someone acts about this sort of thing. I was bothered by something relatively early on by the BF (I don't recall exactly what now) and we went to dinner. I was quiet. Moody even. That is not my natural state.

I didn't really want a discussion about it. So he pushed for exactly that. I was afraid he would find my grievance petty and I wanted to process through it without discussion but he insisted. So after a little prodding from him we chatted about it. I was direct. He listened & understood. It relieved the moodiness & tension & cleared the air. .

I trust even though you were angry, there was a level of deference you did not cross. And so it was resolved ... respectfully.

Amazing how a person can be an absolute fit, but in this particular area fails miserably.