Corey Wayne - When an ex reaches back out

[Smartone84]

She wasn't a true "ex" but we dated for a solid month last summer, slept together, before she ended it with me and I was pretty damn p-ssed bc I was just starting to develop some feelings. She basically told me that she didn't feel as strong for me as I did for her and was afraid she would end up hurting me, yada yada. I was pretty sure she was playing the field hard and had another option although I never saw anything serious on her social media in the timespan afterward. I went complete NC after the conversation.

So now, some 7 months later, she's texting me out of the blue (although there had been a few "Likes" from her on facebook about a month ago) asking how I've been and what's new. I gave in and had some small talk but the conversation eventually ended and I did not text back anything random or ask her anything else about her life. I haven't heard from her since. This was all yesterday afternoon.

I am an avid follower of Coach Corey Wayne and his teachings. He states that when an ex reaches back out the rule of thumb is simple - You are to ASSUME they want to see you, and you tell them it's nice to hear from them and you'd like to see them and to come over to your place to make dinner together. He says don't EVER go to them and that they must come to you as they blew YOU off. He implies that you should ask to hang out like this almost immediately and not to bother with much small talk. This has always been one area where I'm really not sure I agree with him on. So this girl took a sh-t on me and blew me off yet when she reaches back out I'm supposed to throw myself at her asking her to hang out? How does that not look needy and how does that not have the chance of turning her off? And what IF let's say this text of hers was just out of sheer boredom or loneliness from her and she's just looking for some attention? Next thing you know I ask her to come over and she rejects me in some capacity.

 

[wifehunter]

Basically, you let her do the work of getting back into your 'good graces'.

She must qualify herself. Odds are, she will fail, so don't be surprised.

Her ego won't accept that you're not chasing her like all the other orbiters.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

The idea behind it is that you only do what Corey suggests if you actually WANT to get back with her. If you don't, then just ignore her.

If she didn't have high attraction toward you before, the chances of that having changed are low, but if you do like her, then the only way forward is for her to play in your frame, by your rules, on your turf. Yes, asking her to come over is being vulnerable and setting yourself up for possible rejection, but just like cold approaching a girl and asking for her number, you WANT that success or rejection to happen so you know where you stand immediately and don't was an additional f*cking second of your life energy chasing someone who isn't into you.

Something I read in the DJ Bible: Women are great at playing the talking game - better than you. If you try to regain her attraction through conversation, she's going to win and you're going to end up on the short end of the stick. Their weakness is in action. Actions speak louder than words. If she's reaching out, you ask her to come over with a bottle of wine and she says no, then you immediately know she ACTUALLY isn't interested and just wants someone to give her attention and validate her. NO THANKS!

Basically you are saying: Are you in or are you out? If you aren't in, don't waste my f*cking time.

Don't worry about the rejection. Focus on the fact that you took action, you stood up for yourself, and in just one text, you cut through all her months of potential manipulation for attention in which you would receive no reward. That's a win in my book.

Most likely, she just got played by a guy she was chasing, and had her orbiters fall off because she was giving all her attention to that guy, and now she's feeling insecure and reaching back out to old flames for attention until she can find what she really wants.

 

[Smartone84]

Believe me this isn't gonna go on for months. It's barely going to go on for another day.

When she ended it I was hurt and it was a pretty messy conversation before I went NC.

Still, I WOULD entertain another chance with her and while it would be nice to have her over for some conversation and maybe even sex, part of me is just nervous. Nervous about throwing the invite out there as Corey suggests, mostly bc I have a fear she'd come up with some sort of rejection or would act iffy about it. Finding out if she's in or out is just easier said than done imo.

After she rejects the plans it would be confirmed she was just seeking attention and validation from me. Then she'd have that validation and would fade away with a smile on her face, while I do the awful walk of shame. The reality is I liked this girl quite a bit. Another 'rejection' isn't really something I'm up for right now as my self esteem isn't too high in general after a rather rough 2018 so far dating wise. In a perfect world SHE would ask me to get together, but if so, she's probably in the mindset that she's afraid of rejection herself. Idk. Really a tricky situation. It sounds so easy to just flat out ask her to come over and catch up and if she says no then tell her alright take care and act like I don't give a sh-t, but the truth is I would give a sh-t. I'd be p-ssed off that she used me for some emotional comfort.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I hear you - I've thought the same thing in my head in the past. You can't worry about what she thinks though. I know that can be difficult. If you are really having a tough time with it, just be fairly short with her when she reaches out and after 2, maybe 3 messages, say, "Hey, I'm about to ___________ so I have to go, but we should catch up soon. Why don't you swing by on ________ night." If she says yes, you tell her what time and tell her to bring a bottle of wine. If she says no, then you haven't given up too much.... it didn't necessarily sound like a date - you said "catch up", and you also did it while you ended the conversation so you are in control. If she turns you down, you just say, "No worries, I have to go, talk to you later!" From that moment on, you can either ignore her or send one or two messages when she does and then say you have to run, and wait for her to bring up getting together. I don't think this is going to giver her any satisfaction.

I also wouldn't be flexible about which night you suggest to meet up. If she says she's busy on the night you requested, don't suggest another night or take her suggestion if she makes an alternate one - that's taking you out of the driver's seat and moving things into her frame. She dumped you so she has to earn you back. You give her one chance to see if she's serious, without being totally obvious (by saying "swing by to catch up").

 

[Dash Riprock]

Corey Wayne is usually quite accurate in his advice. He's no BS. His advice for this situation is good. To distill it down, she reached out, you're like "Great! Come on by on x day and time and bring something" like it's no big deal and not even a date. So don't over f*ucking think it. If she says no, f*uck her. You have other options. Go total NC. Delete her info. It's not about childish winning or losing. If she says yes, keep it cool and casual, get some wine in her and make your move. Just don't put her on a pedestal.

 

[MrWood]

Same happened to me... she (18ys younger HB7) dumped me after 2.5y without warning, I went NC after initial beta crap.
after 6mo she initiated, but did not accept the come-over...
(all the while liking my FB etc)
2mo later she said she is sorry etc, accepted the come-over, back together 1.5yr
2mo ago She did it again, just disappeared... I sent message asking where to send her stuff... she took a pic of an address.
I dont delete her from s-media, but I will not respond ever to her again...

 

[Smartone84]

this advice also wouldnt apply to your situation. you had a short term fling and it can barely be even called that.

I agree it was barely a fling but for what its worth it was a jam packed month where we went on about 8 dates and she slept over half those times. By then I was becoming into it. If this was some random chick I went out with 1-2 times before we faded away I wouldn't even think twice about any of this. But on the other hand, let's say I dated her for a year and it ended badly, don't you see how me randomly saying "come on over" would come off as awkward? I just can't get past that feeling, at least not right now. Look at it the other way around. You dump a girl after lets call it 6 months. You decide to reach back out 3 months later. Within the first few texts she says why don't you come on over, bring some wine and we'll catch up? You guys are telling me you wouldn't find that odd/desperate sounding?

Same happened to me... she (18ys younger HB7) dumped me after 2.5y without warning, I went NC after initial beta crap.
after 6mo she initiated, but did not accept the come-over...
(all the while liking my FB etc)
2mo later she said she is sorry etc, accepted the come-over, back together 1.5yr
2mo ago She did it again, just disappeared... I sent message asking where to send her stuff... she took a pic of an address.
I dont delete her from s-media, but I will not respond ever to her again...

Sorry to hear all that man. I actually slipped up and went pretty beta myself when she blew me off. Told her that I'd "Really like to have you in my life" and how my heart was "broken" amongst a few other bad lines. Emotions are emotions though, right? I'm actually surprised she reached out but at the same time I'm not. I treated her very well during our short time together (as I do most women) and she was very appreciative of it. Once told me I'm the "Best thing ever". Sex was amazing too and she told me that several times. I just wish I knew whether her reaching out was genuine or not but something tells me @oldmanofthesea is right in that she's just lonely and bored right now and is looking to old flames for attention.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Ok since you think asking her over is desperate sounding, how do you propose that you will try to re-attract her while not wasting your time by satisfying her selfish needs for validation? Secondly, do you really think she deserves you trying to re-attract her? She dumped you. Why put the effort in? Lastly, you shouldn't have to re-attract her anyway - she should be attracted to you the same as you are to her and if she isn't, you're wasting your time and energy; if she's attracted to you and wants to see you she'll accept.

 

[MrWood]

For me she was my oneitis (read the NC thread), and literally became my ghost. I screwed up a real good new LTR to go back to her, but I knew she would haunt my in that relationship... I had to kill the ghost to continue (I believed)
I knew that she would haunt me if I didnt try again, and I was prepared for exactly what she did. She is BPD, ends relationships when there is too much emotion dependance, but not in alot of the other classic ways.

She taught me alot about womens nature after I found SS, then...

Round two was not as passionate and she was at times a real b1tch, and I called her out on it evey time. On holiday I said "I love you with all my heart" and she hit the road. NC from now until forever.

I realized... I dont believe in ghosts,
they are only that one wishes were alive but all along...
dead.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

MrWood, you described the experience I had with my ex wife who was also BPD. We split up and got back together as well, but the second half of the relationship was nothing like the first. All she did was constantly complain and feel owed something. Just constantly trying to take me down to the mat and wrestle/argue with me about anything and everything. Always acted the victim.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Exes come back the moment you have moved on and you stopped caring.
Somehow the universe manifests your wishes once you have fully let them go.

I recently met my ex-oneitis on the railway station a few weeks ago, NC for 1,5 years, I totally forgot about her in the last 3 months, totally haven't thought about her at all.
Then boom she manifested in my life, I saw her at the station, she said hi, I said hi, gotta run catch my train,
I realised I simply didn't care anymore.

 

[Spaz]

Exes come back the moment you have moved on and you stopped caring.
Somehow the universe manifests your wishes once you have fully let them go.

I've noticed this in my own life and others who have experienced it.

Strangest thing.

 

[Smartone84]

i've noticed this in my own life and others who have experienced it.

Strangest thing

The reasoning for this is actually more simple than we think, at least in my opinion. It all depends on how rough the break up was. If it was a very rough ending after let’s say a year long relationship and the guy was devastated, he’s not gonna get get over it in 2 weeks. It’s probably going to take months. On the other hand, if the woman was ending a year long relationship (as in REALLY ending it for good with no more back and forth) then she’s absolutely not gonna be reaching back out anytime soon. So my point is, it all evens out. It usually takes the same amount of time for the dumpee to get over it all as the dumper needs to begin missing and wondering.

Some situations are different of course. If the dumper is in a new relationship or if the ending was SO bad then there won’t be any reaching back out. In my particular situation the only real “bad” thing that I did was act pissed and beta, but it really was almost justified as she blew me off out of nowhere and sounded heartless doing so.

 

[Spaz]

The reasoning for this is actually more simple than we think, at least in my opinion. It all depends on how rough the break up was. If it was a very rough ending after let’s say a year long relationship and the guy was devastated, he’s not gonna get get over it in 2 weeks. It’s probably going to take months. On the other hand, if the woman was ending a year long relationship (as in REALLY ending it for good with no more back and forth) then she’s absolutely not gonna be reaching back out anytime soon. So my point is, it all evens out. It usually takes the same amount of time for the dumpee to get over it all as the dumper needs to begin missing and wondering.

Some situations are different of course. If the dumper is in a new relationship or if the ending was SO bad then there won’t be any reaching back out. In my particular situation the only real “bad” thing that I did was act pissed and beta, but it really was almost justified as she blew me off out of nowhere and sounded heartless doing so.

Going back to the original intent of this thread, as a general rule, I don't ever take back an Ex, even if it's for the possibility of turning them into plates.

The issues of why we broke up in the past would resurface and unproductive time spent on that.

My time would be better spent with someone new on the off chance that it would turn into something meaningful.

 

[Smartone84]

Going back to the original intent of this thread, as a general rule, I don't ever take back an Ex, even if it's for the possibility of turning them into plates.

If that's how you operate then that's perfectly fine. But it's easier said than done with a lot of people. Emotion is a powerful thing. I mean she didn't cheat on me a year into a relationship. If she wants to come back cordially and also throw in an apology I'd entertain hanging out with her again. We did have a lot of fun after all. But the beauty of getting this "Second chance" is that she's secretly on probation and I also secretly have both feet out the door for MONTHS before I change my mind about either.

 

[Spaz]

If that's how you operate then that's perfectly fine. But it's easier said than done with a lot of people. Emotion is a powerful thing. I mean she didn't cheat on me a year into a relationship. If she wants to come back cordially and also throw in an apology I'd entertain hanging out with her again. We did have a lot of fun after all. But the beauty of getting this "Second chance" is that she's secretly on probation and I also secretly have both feet out the door for MONTHS before I change my mind about either.

Its pretty much how I operate my life, I tend to move on and leave the past behind. Sure I have emotions but I also have maths in my mind - probabilities, and I'll lean towards logic/probabilities plus experience when dealing with women.

This not only applies to women but all facets of my life.

 

[Paradiddle]

Exes come back the moment you have moved on and you stopped caring.
Somehow the universe manifests your wishes once you have fully let them go.

Happened to me as well. Strange how the universe works.

 

[The Diver]

The reality is I liked this girl quite a bit.

"The one who care less have the power in the relationship" . At the moment it's not looks like It's you.
( When I'm in doubt, I found going back to basic is the best way to recalibrate my self)

 

[Smartone84]

Now with that in mind, do you know how pathetic you sound when she reaches out after time has passed (often years) and your second line is you asking her to meet up?

Well this is pretty much the point of this entire thread. It would be perfectly fine if SHE suggests getting together first and then you ask her to come over, but Corey Wayne says to basically flat out ask her to hang out and if she rejects you, then you say ok no problem take care. Basically act like you don't give two f-cks. But my thing is, EVEN if she does like you and is not reaching out just for attention, by making yourself sound desperate and pathetic, there's a relatively decent chance it turns her off and she then has second thoughts. So @oldmanofthesea it really is easier said than done IMO, bc girls are still girls, and this is how their brains work. They may think they want you back a bit, then they see instantly that they can have it, and boom, suddenly they change their mind. We want what we can't have, right?

My plan as of right now is to basically do nothing, give her NO validation, unless SHE suggests or maybe hints at hanging out again.