Need advice, felt like I was becoming an orbiter?

[DreamAgain]

So, this girl who's pretty attractive has been stringing me along for some time, being hot and cold and generally sending too many mixed signals.

After helping her with some huge report that she had due soon, I got a nonchalant "Thanks!" response that ticked me off and made me suspect she was just using me. Keep in mind I've helped her with some things in the past as well, because she pleaded to me that she would really be in trouble if she couldn't finish them, and she said she had a lot on her plate and was stressed about many things.

Ok, fine, so I didn't mind, but for some reason this last time, coupled with her hot and cold tendencies, made me think I was just becoming an orbiter.

So, I sent the following message:

Me: "Hey you know what, I'm glad I could help you out, but I feel that you and I may have different wishes and opinions of each other. It may be for the best that we don't stay in contact anymore."

Her: "What? I don't understand, it's not enough if I say thank you or not, you always make me out to be the bad guy. And I told you many times if you ever need help with anything, that I'm always there for you."

Me: "It's not about that. Everytime we see each other I get the impression that something is wrong. It's logical to assume that I'm the contributing factor to this."

Her: "You have everything completely wrong. I'm stressed about so many things, if it was you who was annoying me or stressing me out, I wouldn't call you for us to see each other."

At this point I'm suspecting she is just calling me to see what favors/help she can extract, but I don't say this.

Me: "That's fine, and I'm happy to help you if I can. But like I said, I think we just have different opinions of each other, and different ideas where our relations should go. So I don't think being in contact is possible anymore."

Her: Thumbs up emoji.

I didn't respond after that. So, my question is, how did I play this? I have feelings for this girl but I felt if I didn't take a stand, due to her mixed signals I was guaranteed for orbiter land. With my response, did I shut the door completely for her to reach out again?

I contemplated just going ghost without any explanation, but it's not really my style, as I feel it makes the guy come across as butthurt. But I'm not sure.

 

[LJBFB]

ghosting is not butthurt... but trying to overtly explain to a low interest female what shes does to upset you is the chumpiest waste of time there is. Esp if you fake leaving them when they already dont care. I say fake b/c mentally you would have moved to the next instead of asking here after the fact. Most times if you need to ask, the answer is next.

 

[Igetit!]

So, this girl who's pretty attractive has been stringing me along for some time, being hot and cold and generally sending too many mixed signals.

I see.....so she's been "stringing you along". Ok. So......are you totally helpless in this situation? You have NO SAY-SO,NO power,no nothing....you're just a complete helpless victim in this circumstance?

Have you ever ASKED HER OUT? If so,what did she say?

Have you ever said or done anything to CLEARLY let her know you're a MAN who's sexually attracted to and interested in her?

Or have you just been "hanging around" her....doing odds and ends,doing favors,hoping she'd pick up on the fact you're interested?

After helping her with some huge report that she had due soon, I got a nonchalant "Thanks!" response that ticked me off and made me suspect she was just using me.

She said "Thank you" after you helped her with a report....and that ticked you off. Ok,well.....what were you expecting from her instead? What,sex? Were you expecting her to get buck naked,open her legs and let you have at it as a way of showing gratitude for helping her....with a report?

Were you expecting a date? What were you expecting her to do and/or say?

Keep in mind I've helped her with some things in the past as well, because she pleaded to me that she would really be in trouble if she couldn't finish them, and she said she had a lot on her plate and was stressed about many things.

Yeah,so? What's your point? She couldn't ask for your help if you weren't constantly available to and around her.

Ok, fine, so I didn't mind, but for some reason this last time, coupled with her hot and cold tendencies, made me think I was just becoming an orbiter.

Well if you are becoming an orbiter,it's ALL...100%,TOTALLY....YOUR FAULT. You have to WILLINGLY PARTICIPATE to become a woman's orbiter,that's not a decision she can uni-laterally decide on her own.

You keep hanging around her. Women seek value in a man,value that THEY HAVE PERSONALLY NEED OF. Well if you're good at doing reports,and she has reports that need to be done,SURPRISE.....she's gonna seek you out. If you have sexual interest in her,you need to show YOUR INTEREST in her,to her first. Have you done that? Or have you been to pre-occupied doing favors and reports?

So, I sent the following message:

Me: "Hey you know what, I'm glad I could help you out, but I feel that you and I may have different wishes and opinions of each other. It may be for the best that we don't stay in contact anymore."

Her: "What? I don't understand, it's not enough if I say thank you or not, you always make me out to be the bad guy. And I told you many times if you ever need help with anything, that I'm always there for you."

She's RIGHT dude. You help her. She offered to be of help to you in you need anything in return.

You make it seem like she's doing something wrong. You know....you CAN SAY "no" if you don't want to help her.

Me: "It's not about that. Everytime we see each other I get the impression that something is wrong. It's logical to assume that I'm the contributing factor to this."

Her: "You have everything completely wrong. I'm stressed about so many things, if it was you who was annoying me or stressing me out, I wouldn't call you for us to see each other."

At this point I'm suspecting she is just calling me to see what favors/help she can extract, but I don't say this.

Me: "That's fine, and I'm happy to help you if I can. But like I said, I think we just have different opinions of each other, and different ideas where our relations should go. So I don't think being in contact is possible anymore."

Her: Thumbs up emoji.

She's probably wondering what the hell is wrong with you.

I don't blame her.

So, my question is, how did I play this? I have feelings for this girl but I felt if I didn't take a stand, due to her mixed signals I was guaranteed for orbiter land. With my response, did I shut the door completely for her to reach out again?

I'd say you played it POORLY. You keep saying she's giving you "mixed signals". In response to what?

Do you ask her out and she not give you a clear answer? You ask her on a date,and she side-step and dodge the question?

If you're expecting sex......or a date....as compensation for all the times you've "helped her" with stuff,or for helping her with her reports,then you're the fool here. She said thank you,and she's offered to help you if you need her with anything in return. That should be sufficent......she doesn't "owe you" any type of sexual favors for help with reports,that's RIDICULOUS.

 

[QuadDeuces]

You can not “buy” pvssy by doing work, and then go full on beta AFC if she only thanks you you lower your value even more.

Yes you friendzoned yourself. Forget this chick hit the gym and on to the next, dont block, dont lecture her, dont go butthurt, dont burn bridges, just direct your attention to someone else. Once she sees you plowing through her friend circle she might come back.

 

[DreamAgain]

I see.....so she's been "stringing you along". Ok. So......are you totally helpless in this situation? You have NO SAY-SO,NO power,no nothing....you're just a complete helpless victim in this circumstance?

Have you ever ASKED HER OUT? If so,what did she say?

Have you ever said or done anything to CLEARLY let her know you're a MAN who's sexually attracted to and interested in her?

Or have you just been "hanging around" her....doing odds and ends,doing favors,hoping she'd pick up on the fact you're interested?



She said "Thank you" after you helped her with a report....and that ticked you off. Ok,well.....what were you expecting from her instead? What,sex? Were you expecting her to get buck naked,open her legs and let you have at it as a way of showing gratitude for helping her....with a report?

Were you expecting a date? What were you expecting her to do and/or say?





Yeah,so? What's your point? She couldn't ask for your help if you weren't constantly available to and around her.





Well if you are becoming an orbiter,it's ALL...100%,TOTALLY....YOUR FAULT. You have to WILLINGLY PARTICIPATE to become a woman's orbiter,that's not a decision she can uni-laterally decide on her own.

You keep hanging around her. Women seek value in a man,value that THEY HAVE PERSONALLY NEED OF. Well if you're good at doing reports,and she has reports that need to be done,SURPRISE.....she's gonna seek you out. If you have sexual interest in her,you need to show YOUR INTEREST in her,to her first. Have you done that? Or have you been to pre-occupied doing favors and reports?



She's RIGHT dude. You help her. She offered to be of help to you in you need anything in return.

You make it seem like she's doing something wrong. You know....you CAN SAY "no" if you don't want to help her.



She's probably wondering what the hell is wrong with you.

I don't blame her.



I'd say you played it POORLY. You keep saying she's giving you "mixed signals". In response to what?

Do you ask her out and she not give you a clear answer? You ask her on a date,and she side-step and dodge the question?

If you're expecting sex......or a date....as compensation for all the times you've "helped her" with stuff,or for helping her with her reports,then you're the fool here. She said thank you,and she's offered to help you if you need her with anything in return. That should be sufficent......she doesn't "owe you" any type of sexual favors for help with reports,that's RIDICULOUS.

Good points. We've been on a few dates, got touchy feely, but no s3x. So I sort of helped her with the implication that I wasn't just looking to smash and dash, which I actually didn't, because she had other good qualities that made it seem like she was relationship material.

I was expecting her to think this, maybe that is misjudgment on my end.

 

[Glassguy]

There are no mixed signals. You are getting this from either being frustrated by not asking her out on a date, not escalating or failing to accept what she is telling you if she's not interested. That's it. At any point you try to turn this into a date, or escalate and she doesn't agree to the date, that's the answer.

Either ask her out. Be a man about it. You'll get your answer.
You can only get strung along or become an orbiter after she declines your date offer, and only if you choose to be an orbiter.

 

[DreamAgain]

You can not “buy” pvssy by doing work, and then go full on beta AFC if she only thanks you you lower your value even more.

Yes you friendzoned yourself. Forget this chick hit the gym and on to the next, dont block, dont lecture her, dont go butthurt, dont burn bridges, just direct your attention to someone else. Once she sees you plowing through her friend circle she might come back.

I didn't lecture or block, just sent the last texts that I wrote. So it seems like I may have given a bit of an ultimatum, but I thought it would make more sense to give some clarity to her rather than just disappearing.

 

[DreamAgain]

There are no mixed signals. You are getting this from either being frustrated by not asking her out on a date, not escalating or failing to accept what she is telling you if she's not interested. That's it. At any point you try to turn this into a date, or escalate and she doesn't agree to the date, that's the answer.

Either ask her out. Be a man about it. You'll get your answer.
You can only get strung along or become an orbiter after she declines your date offer, and only if you choose to be an orbiter.

I am frustrated I admit, but I wasn't entirely supplicating. My goal was to show I wasn't only looking to bang, which I wasn't. But I'm just unsure if saying anything or simply going ghost was a better decision.

 

[17 shots]

You should of asked her to do something for you. I ask chicks for money sometimes just to see what they say, just like 10 or 20 bucks. Or I ask them to drive me somewhere... if she likes you she'll do it, or tell you she can't. But she won't say no... a lot of men are too stuck in there pride to ask women for help, but you'd be surprised by the results if you just ask

 

[Glassguy]

I am frustrated I admit, but I wasn't entirely supplicating. My goal was to show I wasn't only looking to bang, which I wasn't. But I'm just unsure if saying anything or simply going ghost was a better decision.

So have you asked this chick out yet or no?

 

[DreamAgain]

So have you asked this chick out yet or no?

Yes we have been on a few dates, I was able to escalate a little but no s3x.

 

[Glassguy]

Yes we have been on a few dates, I was able to escalate a little but no s3x.

Explain. How many dates? Escalate to where? Why did it stop?

 

[DreamAgain]

Explain. How many dates? Escalate to where? Why did it stop?

3 dates, on the last one I gave her a massage and when I went to start taking off clothes she stopped me and said it was late and had to go home.

Afterwards she sent me a text that she had a great night and wanted to see me again? Her words didn't match up with her actions.

I interpreted it as her being sort of a prude, which she may be but I'm not sure. I probably should have went no contact after this but, she is very attractive though so I'll admit I tolerated that because of that reason.

 

[Glassguy]

3 dates, on the last one I gave her a massage and when I went to start taking off clothes she stopped me and said it was late and had to go home.

Afterwards she sent me a text that she had a great night and wanted to see me again? Her words didn't match up with her actions.

I interpreted it as her being sort of a prude, which she may be but I'm not sure. I probably should have went no contact after this but, she is very attractive though so I'll admit I tolerated that because of that reason.

Why would you have went NC? The massage isnt the end of the world, but you needed to kiss her, sensually, and get her worked up. Let your hands start roaming. If she tells you to stop, back off and re-engage after a few minutes. If she stops you again, throw it on the back burner, go home and make the next date. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Sometimes women actually dont put out super fast because they want to make sure that if they give it up to you, you wont ghost them immediately after. There is nothing wrong with that. She said she had a great time and wanted to see you again. Make the date, meet back up and this time escalate properly.
I have never said "I am going to give you a massage now" and started taking a woman's clothes off. That is sort of creepy and do you really want to fvck her or give her a massage? Get to the point.

While with her, rub her neck or shoulders slightly and then begin kissing her. Let your hands wonder and massage as you are kissing her and escalate.

 

[DreamAgain]

Why would you have went NC? The massage isnt the end of the world, but you needed to kiss her, sensually, and get her worked up. Let your hands start roaming. If she tells you to stop, back off and re-engage after a few minutes. If she stops you again, throw it on the back burner, go home and make the next date. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Sometimes women actually dont put out super fast because they want to make sure that if they give it up to you, you wont ghost them immediately after. There is nothing wrong with that. She said she had a great time and wanted to see you again. Make the date, meet back up and this time escalate properly.
I have never said "I am going to give you a massage now" and started taking a woman's clothes off. That is sort of creepy and do you really want to fvck her or give her a massage? Get to the point.

While with her, rub her neck or shoulders slightly and then begin kissing her. Let your hands wonder and massage as you are kissing her and escalate.

It wasn't so robotic and coerced as I wrote. But it was clear she didn't want anything to progress further.

Keep in mind this is also a girl with a lot of guy friends, some of whom I've met personally, and they are all obviously trying to get in her pants.

 

[Glassguy]

It wasn't so robotic and coerced as I wrote. But it was clear she didn't want anything to progress further.

Keep in mind this is also a girl with a lot of guy friends, some of whom I've met personally, and they are all obviously trying to get in her pants.

Good. She is probably lining a few of them up for hot sex which is beneficial to you because you clearly need to stop defending her behavior. Get away from her (for good), work on your self esteem/confidence/frame and find a new one to start from scratch with so you can be a better man in the relationship instead of constantly trying to over look the bad for the little bit of good in this current one.

You will never gain the many joys and benefits of holding a solid frame with women if you continue as you are now.

 

[DreamAgain]

Good. She is probably lining a few of them up for hot sex which is beneficial to you because you clearly need to stop defending her behavior. Get away from her (for good), work on your self esteem/confidence/frame and find a new one to start from scratch with so you can be a better man in the relationship instead of constantly trying to over look the bad for the little bit of good in this current one.

You will never gain the many joys and benefits of holding a solid frame with women if you continue as you are now.

Thanks, will do. I didn't really do anything too AFC, but supplicating to help her was perhaps too much, even though she really evoked some pity out of me with how she described her situation.

Regarding the text exchange though, would you have handled it differently? I guess it doesn't matter if she reaches out or not, but the fact that she was so flippant and nonchalant may be a power play to get me to apologize/grovel.

 

[Glassguy]

Thanks, will do. I didn't really do anything too AFC, but supplicating to help her was perhaps too much, even though she really evoked some pity out of me with how she described her situation.

Regarding the text exchange though, would you have handled it differently? I guess it doesn't matter if she reaches out or not, but the fact that she was so flippant and nonchalant may be a power play to get me to apologize/grovel.

Oops....Disregard that last reply by me.

Just make the date, get her out, end it at her place and escalate correctly. Dont focus so much on fvcking her, rather getting her worked up with your mouth and hands.

 

[DreamAgain]

I challenge you to invert your thinking process: don't lift a fvucking finger to help them and declare proudly that you're open to smash-and-dash.

Ironically, I think things would be much better if I did this. She didn't earn my attention and I gave it for free, making myself look pitiful.

In my attempt to do something good, she actually lost respect for me.

 

[DreamAgain]

To paraphrase David DeAngelo:

You make something valuable by making it seem scarce.

Freely giving your time and attention will likely only give her a tremendous ego boost.

She's having a good chuckle right now.

Make her WORK for your time and attention. If she's not willling to work for it, then ghost her and focus on the women who are willing to work for it.

Do you think I looked bad then with the texts I sent? I was hoping she would at least ask me to clarify, not give the most completely indifferent response she could give, a stupid emoji.

I was trying to get her to fight for me, but she turned the tables so easily.