Dealing with an Issue with LTR

[guru1000]

Takeaway has its purpose Midnight ... in certain instances.

Only problem with a takeaway is her desire will be curbed by fear (of losing you), but the desire is curbed ... not eliminated. And she'll be more careful next time in covering her tracks.

I'm more about encouraging that desire by appearing fluid to watch where she goes with it, while concomitantly killing that desire by your seemly outcome independence.

 

[exhausted]

Stringpuller, I used to think exactly as you did ... up to recently. FYI, I brought boundary implementation into the manosphere. Let's just say that I understand both sides of the argument fully.

You're not demonstrating anything by hard NEXTing a girl who may want to stray. Let her stray. And you do the same. And if she acts on her desire to stray, then you know she's no keeper. Then use her as you need to, if you have any use for her at all.

The key is managing your emotions. If you feel "violated" by an implied boundary breach, then you have no alternative than to NEXT, as your emotions will fool you into believing you are violating yourself if you don't act. However, you are not violating yourself, if your boundaries are simply "tests." In this capacity, you manage your emotions, and use the dynamic to serve you instead.

I used to rule my relations with an iron fist. Or at least I thought. Truth was my iron fist was ruling me, leaving me with extreme binary outcomes, Pass/Fail, before anything actually really occurred.

I'm all about boundaries.The difference is how I respond to suggestive violations.

This relation is still salvageable. There is no clear violation of boundaries. Just a wandering desire. The old Guru would have dropped her. Today, I would play on her desire accordingly, observe her by giving her enough rope to hang herself, implicitly encourage her to go and explore her desire, and then ascertain from there whether she is LTR worthy--all while I am enjoying myself with other beautiful women.

Then your key is to never truly like anyone. If you did you can't just sweep a girl wanting to stray and straying under the rug and using her for occassional sex. Disgusting.

 

[guru1000]

Then your key is to never truly like anyone. If you did you can't just sweep a girl wanting to stray and straying under the rug and using her for occassional sex. Disgusting.

Remember, she has not strayed. Nor can she, if you don't allow her.

Always give them the rope. And observe. Otherwise if you apprise her, you're spiting yourself, when she does it behind closed doors, and you will never know.

You can't understand her desire and her willingness to act on it unless you allow her to act on it.

 

[exhausted]

Remember, she has not strayed. Nor can she, if you don't allow her.

Always give them the rope. And observe. Otherwise if you apprise her, you're spiting yourself, when she does it behind closed doors, and you will never know.

You can't understand her desire and her willingness to act on it unless you allow her to act on it.

I get it, i can do that with plates but not an ltr ive spent 2 years with

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Not really. Sometimes there needs to be better communication about what the boundaries actually are. To me there is snooping going on (not good - invasion of her privacy) and lots of assuming. So OP did not respect her boundaries at all IMO, and now he gets his just desserts. She may decline the free house dude yet. If she does, why should she say anything at all? I mean it's all speculation at this point unless he has the guts to ask her about it. If I was concerned, I'd ask. No harm in asking and there might be a good explanation. I'm floored how many just make an assumption and avoid potential conflict. No wonder men like that are single. They have no backbone.

I'm not into "open" relationships, but I'm not exclusive unless that is specifically what's asked of me or mutually agreed to. I was faithfully married for 15 years, never cheated, and I had every opportunity. I was MARRIED. That means locked down and not available to another man. Do I realize many people routinely disregard that? Sure. But I didn't. I mean frankly for a young woman? Nothing short of married is exclusive to be perfectly honest. That is VERY old school, but that's what my wise granny used to say.

Stringpuller made the comment that perhaps she isn't happy with OP in bed. Maybe she isn't but that's speculation. I made the comment that LTRs without marriage are by definition not completely exclusive (Sorry they aren't). Whether that is at play in this situation is purely speculation as well.

Perhaps the best advice in the thread goes to Guru & deesade & RedLegg, who said simply, wait & see what happens. If she is disrespectful and goes out with someone else behind your back, demote her and plate her. Simple. And you get to date other women. Brilliant. But you simply do it and do not howl bloody murder about it.

"Nothing short of marriage is exclusive..." This is an interesting statement.

Are you saying this is true even if the woman has stated that she is exclusive with you?

-Augustus-

 

[guru1000]

I get it, i can do that with plates but not an ltr ive spent 2 years with

Learn patience. True power lies not in emotional reactions, but in calculation.

 

[guru1000]

I told this forum that this is how women view LTRs.

Women are not stupid. They are quite calculating under the guise of emotion and vulnerability.

Exclusivity means exclusivity. They know this.

 

[exhausted]

The real issue here is most guys cant handle this kind of frame. Im speaking of LTR situations here.
The kind of woman most men value will see right through this.
I just think demoting an LTR to somekind of plate or occasional fck weakens a man and is like a dog licking his own vomit.

This goes back to the core fundamental.
Remove yourself. The value.
Your presence is the currency. Every DJ that has wrote anything or taught ever has taught this

This kind of frame??

Like being a sociopath with the inability to care for anyone else??

 

[exhausted]

the frame comes with experience. when you have other women waiting on the sidelines (and know you can meet new women all the time) the antics of one particular girl has little to no significance whatsoever.

it doesnt matter if she can sense it or not. thats why i said it will eventually come to a head. through you or through her.

the last girl i was in a relationship with, i didnt even formerly dump. i just stopped taking her calls till she got the hint. the old me would thought of myself as "less of a man" for not doing it properly. but i know what its like to dump a girl already so it doesnt matter.

but yes, womans currency is her intimacy. a mans currency is his attention. for the men who have never experienced walking away from a woman whos never been walked away from, they will find they can wield a power they never knew they had

Power for yourself maybe, women dont give a fruck they have 25 orbiters at all times.

 

[guru1000]

Stringpuller, a man does not win by being slave to his emotions nor the social constructs which direct him. A man wins with cold calculation by making logical choices that serve him.

Who is the guy? A boss? A co-worker? A client?

We don't have this information to know how the guy got her phone number to begin with. If, for example, the guys were her boss or client, she obviously couldn't block him or shut him down disrespectfully, else lose her job. If the guy were her boss and she has a jealous bf, perhaps, she did not know how to raise this topic to her bf in case her bf flips out on her boss.

There are many unanswered questions to assume she is up to no good.

Now ...

Let's say you walk away:

1 She might come back and explain the situation, with an authentic explanation being the above. Now you have become the emotional woman, that is, capriciously reacting without understanding.

2. She might come back and lie about the situation, and you reconcile thinking your gf is just. Then she will continue said or other relations behind your back, more carefully. This fails as well as you never learn the about your gf's genuine desire and willingness to act on it (behind your back).

The alternative:

Do nothing.

Observe her behavior. Does she go out that night? Find out who this guy is and their relation. The facts will creep up for those with a watchful eye.

When you have all the facts, then respond (notice I don't write "react" but "respond").

This is called calculation. This is how smart people operate.

Don't pat yourself on the back by committing acts directed by knee-jerk emotion, that neither serve you nor the subject. That's akin to shooting an arrow, painting a bull eye's around it, and calling it a win. It's a lose, if you are directed by your emotions, and not truth.

 

[BeExcellent]

I find it interesting that in effect I have not said anything materially different than what Guru has said about the OP., namely that there is not enough information provided for us to know the context, OP has not come back and explained it further, and the best course of action is to observe.

Instead some here freak out, knee jerk, and etc. about OP. The smart thing is ASK and/or OBSERVE.

All the other silliness about me flipping some script or whatever else is silly. Some of y'all are running around the thread like Chicken Little. I got asked about ancillary things on this thread and so responded to those things. I've not said anything that is a flip flop or any different than the views I hold about relationships. You can go read what I think any number of places on the site. You'll find it pretty consistent. I mean for fvck's sake relationships are dynamic. They don't stay the same over time, they grow, change, evolve and sometimes end. How you handle a relationship 2 years in is different than how you handle new dating 2 weeks in. Dating at 20 is different than dating at 50. Come on people.

 

[BeExcellent]

He said" we all know what the guy is after" lol

That is an ASSUMPTION on the part of OP, and perhaps correct. But he doesn't know how his LTR handles the guy. She can't do anything about the guy's behavior toward her. Context is very important. Is the guy a client, a boss, a customer, or what? It matters because you can't always just tell a guy who is in a sensitive position to fvck off. Welcome to life as a hot chick. I mean sure, she could quit. Is he going to pay her bills and look after her financially? I doubt it.

Hell I've got a married surgeon who has sent me all sorts of wildly inappropriate things via text that I have to work with. I've got enough material on him that I could have him FIRED for his indiscretions. I always decline all his advances but sometimes I have to go by his office and meet with him (and he's always utterly professional there). And this has been going on for months. This guy is the head of surgery at a hospital whose relationship is very important to my client. So blowing up that relationship would have far reaching repercussions that would adversely affect everyone, not the least of which would be this idiot's wife and minor children as well as my client. So no, we don't know the context and the OP has not been back to elaborate.

 

[guru1000]

No kidding and i find it funny that neither one of you 2 can read what OP actually wrote.

He said" we all know what the guy is after" lol
Right??? .

With what OP provided in his one post (and then disappeared), he does not know the relation between them nor the context of the texts. This statement quoted is an emotional reaction to a missing context—akin to how you are reacting.

Remember the old Tenacity and his capricious emotions and reactions? How are you any different here? Does a DJ act by emotion or by logic.

There’s simply not enough info here to make a conclusive NEXT. Nor does it serve OP to not give the girl enough rope to observe what she is capable of.

You mention “cucking” several times in your response to me. You do understand that you have a greater chance of being cucked if she lies about her interaction, thus making you oblivious to her doing it behind your back.

This is actually a great opportunity to observe what she is capable of.

 

[guru1000]

OP just do EXACTLY what BE and GURU tell you. Really....take there advice.
Demote her to plate even. Ill gladly eat crow on this one if it turns out really well for your well being.

Stringpuller, you’re a great poster, but you do seem to have extreme emotion tied to this matter. Normally you are a very level-headed guy.

 

[exhausted]

Yes so what. Because of this you will now lower your value and become some kind of weird orbiter? Why?
More puzzy?
No thanks. Been there. Good luck with tbat orbiter shyt.

No not at all.
I don't orbit chit.

 

[Asasione]

All im going to say is that prior to him even gaving FIND OUT the context of it.
If it were me in a LTR (not fwb or STR) as poster said...and finding out that way a few months later about it she said nothing to that point. Shes gone from my sight. She just lost her value to me.
My tone is very calm guru im persistant about this post because this is were precisley mist guys lose there shyt. There frame.
We could say this is the front lines so to speak. His value that he lovingly gave oe shared with this woman to this point should be more important to him at this moment.
We are talking the vary core of the value in a LTR.
Like i mentioned before it could be a sexual thing. I let him know what a valuable guy who values himself should do.

Never waiver in your respect that you also give her.

You're making a lot of assumption about this guys situation and his relationship without much information. Seems you're projecting your own experiences onto him and it's causing this emotional reaction. She may never meet this guy despite agreeing to it, women flake, remember. Her agreement is worrying but until we know how she treats him, behavior changes noticed or any other pertinent information such as asking to gauge her reaction. You really can't give an accurate assessment. Sadly this poster has disappeared and this thread has turned into an argument as usual.

 

[Toddz]

If it were me, I would immediately start spinning plates and just treat her as one. Don't call her out on anything as others have said, confrontation rarely solves anything in these matters. Just covertly invest less of your time, attention, and energy in her and start pursuing other options all while observing her behavior. Options will naturally boost your confidence and you won't care as much as you begin to develop relations with other women. Meanwhile, decide whether or not this is a soft or hard boundary that she has violated after giving it some time to think it over. Then act accordingly based on whether or not you have any interest having further interactions with her. Chess not checkers

 

[exhausted]

that doesnt mean shes fvcking 25 orbiters.

your statement is coming from a position of weakness. no options = no power

having orbiters (how good looking she is) only determines how fast she will get over you. it doesnt dispute the fact that for a certain amount of time all the cards will be in your hands and she will be at your mercy

A position of weakness?
Ugh if she is on the sly being a cheater she is a scumbag who doesn't care. How do you maintain power Over someone without feelings? And who doesnt care.

If by power you mean you maintain your self respect by kicking her to the curb then ya.

It should be an automatic asap dump and never speak to the lowlife again. Find other girls and spin.

What does any of that have to do with "power"?

Some guys are too hard pressed trying to create power because they have none.

Its simple. She is sneaky goodbye.
Crossing boundaries. Goodbye.
Lying. Goodbye.
Breaking trust. Goodbye.

Has nothing to do with power.

 

[exhausted]

If it were me, I would immediately start spinning plates and just treat her as one. Don't call her out on anything as others have said, confrontation rarely solves anything in these matters. Just covertly invest less of your time, attention, and energy in her and start pursuing other options all while observing her behavior. Options will naturally boost your confidence and you won't care as much as you begin to develop relations with other women. Meanwhile, decide whether or not this is a soft or hard boundary that she has violated after giving it some time to think it over. Then act accordingly based on whether or not you have any interest having further interactions with her. Chess not checkers

Keep her around as she is a lowlife dishonest scumbag? Even as a plate?
Or have sone self respect and dump her and bang one of her friends.

 

[guru1000]

Or have sone self respect .

Your self should be already be respected with or without her.

If you need to dump her to gain self respect then you never had self respect to begin with.

Men with genuine self respect need not prove anything to anyone including themselves.

However, that stated, if you had no self respect to begin with, then as Midnight stated earlier, walking away is a good place to start. When you become more seasoned in the game, you smile at moments like this thinking about what your old self (with “self respect”) would have done, chuckle, and instead invite her and your new plate over for a 3-some.