"And don't cry to me about financial risk." "I've been faced with that fire." Is a fallacious argument.
Its not a fallacious argument at all. I was smart enough to realize that I was going to have to compromise and make some concessions. The concessions I made are regarding custody and the children and residency restrictions and being solely on the hook for higher education costs and things along those lines. I didn't take an adversarial stance in approaching my divorce. That would have been foolhardy. I also understood I needed to give on some financial things where my ex is concerned. I needed the ability to do that on my timeline, as my business endeavors were approaching critical mass at the time of our agreement, and any disruption at that time would have had serious adverse financial consequences.
I was fortunate in that my ex spouse wanted what was ultimately best for our children, and spending a shjt ton of money on lawyers and fighting and reducing my income engine was not in the best interest of the children at all. We were unique in that way to be sure. But it was a sensitive negotiation, it required a great deal of trust on his part, and I WILL stand by my word until I croak where that agreement is concerned. The reward for his TRUST is my COMMITMENT and HIS FUTURE FINANCIAL WELL BEING.
But make no mistake, looking at family court as the partner with the assets? Mighty scary. Had we gone to court AT ALL, the court would have likely have found our agreement inequitable (based on the law of averages rather than the rationale behind our specific agreement) and taken it upon themselves to split things off so my entire goal was to stay the hell OUT of court. Mission accomplished.
Furthermore, I have committed to see to it that my ex is financially taken care of for the rest of his life. Not until the kids are grown, not for 5 or 10 years, for as long as he lives. This is a commitment made with my word alone. No court order needed. I don't pay alimony, I don't pay child support. This allows me flexibility as a self employed person because some months are fatter, some slimmer. My ex understands this. And if the agreement adversely affects my dating prospects? So be it.
But I pay for everything that my children need, from braces (18K for 3 children) to private schooling, to medical items (glasses at a cost of $400 just this morning for one of my daughters), clothing, camps, sports equipment, etc. etc. etc. My ex and I discuss each month what he needs to run his household and supplement his income...and I cut the checks, no questions asked. If he needs more, I give more, if he needs less, I deploy the saved money elsewhere. I don't need a court to mandate that I do the right thing. I just do it. But our verbal agreement allows for the expansion and contraction of my income stream, so it doesn't hamstring me in a skinny period.
That does not mean that family law does not contain potential tremendous risk for the rest of a persons life if their ex spouse decides to use the legal system because they feel they are entitled to something or because they are bitter and want to punish their ex. And please dont tell me that the percentage of bitter, entitled ex wives is insignificant, there are millions of them (to use your numbers)
I don't disagree with your assertion Augustus. Too many people are scared of negotiating something so emotionally charged and sensitive. Assets, children, and the future are all on the line. Lots of people are stupid and immature and selfish and looking to fight. Open honest communication can go a very long way toward getting something fair in place. People would do well to talk about things and work through things because this can reduce the costs, entitlement, bitterness and desire to punish. I'm not the only person I know who negotiated their own divorce at a pittance compared to what the divorce industry would have cost. But it's sensible and pragmatic and kind of boring. So you generally don't hear about such arrangements. They aren't sensational at all.
There remain millions of happily married couples out there in the world, even here in the USA. That is an indisputable FACT. I find the inability of some of the men here to simply acknowledge that FACT amusing. I'm divorced and have no issue acknowledging that FACT. IMO if you can't acknowledge that FACT (that there ARE millions of happy marriages) then you are coming from a place of failure, lack, and/or inadequacy rooted in your own psyche. I don't have that sense of lack, failure or inadequacy. I can't be more than one side of a relationship, and at the end of the day there are two individuals involved. I understand this concept very well.
