Losing Wife

[sazc]

You are probably right. Courts very rarely side with the man.

But ask yourself this. How many able bodied women are being supported and there is no pressure by the courts for them to get to work?

A) that's not the subject of the thread
B) I agree, there are females (and males) that take advantage of an ex spouse. I wouldn't know how many. I've never researched it and I run in a socially elevated circle where that doesn't happen.

No offense to the OP, but my Spidey Sense is tingling "prescription medication addiction"

That would make the rest of the advice moot - not "wrong" just moot. You don't want to send someone down a wrong path.

 

[Billtx49]

Given his excessive debt to disability income ratio, and his asking about bankruptcy in another thread, she probably sees a sinking ship situation and is headed for a lifeboat.

 

[Dr. Reed]

It is probably too late, and my advice is to focus upon self improvement. Get to the gym, get yourself emotionally and mentally healthy. Get your resume together. I can tell you that there is a fantastic life out there if you do the necessary work.

If it is possible to save the relationship (which I doubt) you would need to take preemptive action. I was in a similar situation. The problems start way, way before you get to where you are now. For example, my wife stopped working out and started withholding sex after she was promoted to regional manager of a number of medical facilities. She is making $$$. This was right after I went from making $$$ to less money. Our house is nearly paid for and stocked with $100k in furniture and electronics.

I explained to her "I understand that our economic changes may have affected your sexual attraction to me, and that is OK. I cannot control the way you feel about me. However, if that is the case, I have a right to intimacy and romance in my life. Since we could never match our standard of living in separate households, and we have a son together I suggest that we establish a trail separation. You have your wing of the house, and I have mine. You are free to do as you wish, and to see who you wish, just be reasonable and don't have sex in front of me or our son."

"This type of arrangement is common and we just need to sign a few documents to make it legal."

The key her is that you must be 100% mentally prepared to go through the separation. Keep in mind, that once the separation is legal you can have sex with other women and it is not cheating.

In my case none of that happened, and wifey is at the gym again. Remember, women are going to CONSTANTLY test you! Even after years of marriage.

 

[Fzatf]

Lol, ahhhh to dream, right guys?

If I am reading this correctly, he is on TEMPORARY disability... not permanent disability.
This means he was an able bodied male for a very long time and is expected to return to being an able bodied male at some point.

They didn't switch roles because he wanted to be the stay at home, they switched because he got hurt. I'm guessing that there are many, many years of her staying at home that out weigh his temporary situation. Given the circumstances, his temporary situation isn't going to be enough for spousal support in court, esp if her years at home outweigh his

He states that the medication makes him LETHARGIC. It must be a side affect. What judge do you know that it's going to say "I award custody of these children to someone whom is taking medication that crates a situation where they can't be an alert and invested parent?" No judge.

All she had to do is prove the situation surrounding the medication and the kids are hers. Oh, you say he will stop the medication? If he can stop the medication then he won't be lethargic. If he's no longer lethargic, he can be more invested in the household and/or work. Any judge will see that, esp when her divorce attorney points it out.

@Fzatf do you have an opiate addiction? If not opiates, which prescription med are you on? What's the nature of your disability? When are you expected to recover. Are you making an honest attempt at recovering?

If you want your wife and family back, first step is to get off the medication. My guess is that she needs you to hit rock bottom so you will realize what's important.

Good luck.
Dare to dream fellas....dare to dream.....

I see myself back working and off the meds within a year. The illness, debt, and job situation are a big factor, but I think my wife would've stuck by me of it had been earlier in the relationship when the passion was still there.

I'm not addicted to the medication but it's difficult to function without it for now. Though I will be tapering it down and coming off it relatively soon.

I think Sazc is correct, the judge would likely side with my wife under the circumstances.

Given his excessive debt to disability income ratio, and his asking about bankruptcy in another thread, she probably sees a sinking ship situation and is headed for a lifeboat.

Yeah I figured if the house will just be in her name I might as well bankrupt the 10k away.

I understand the sentiment from the posters suggesting I get what I can from her through the court but it would be an expensive battle that may not end well for me. I'll be working relatively soon and not having to pay child support is at least one less thing to worry about.

Thanks for the advice. I think the best thing I can do is to accept shared custody, work on myself, and get back to a place that I can start over with someone else.

 

[Dr. Reed]

I see myself back working and off the meds within a year. The illness, debt, and job situation are a big factor, but I think my wife would've stuck by me of it had been earlier in the relationship when the passion was still there.

I'm not addicted to the medication but it's difficult to function without it for now. Though I will be tapering it down and coming off it relatively soon.

I think Sazc is correct, the judge would likely side with my wife under the circumstances.

Yeah I figured if the house will just be in her name I might as well bankrupt the 10k away.

I understand the sentiment from the posters suggesting I get what I can from her through the court but it would be an expensive battle that may not end well for me. I'll be working relatively soon and not having to pay child support is at least one less thing to worry about.

Thanks for the advice. I think the best thing I can do is to accept shared custody, work on myself, and get back to a place that I can start over with someone else.

Your wife is violating the marriage vows "through sickness and in health." SHE broke the contract, not you. Don't fight, just focus on self improvement.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Lol, ahhhh to dream, right guys?

If I am reading this correctly, he is on TEMPORARY disability... not permanent disability.
This means he was an able bodied male for a very long time and is expected to return to being an able bodied male at some point.

They didn't switch roles because he wanted to be the stay at home, they switched because he got hurt. I'm guessing that there are many, many years of her staying at home that out weigh his temporary situation. Given the circumstances, his temporary situation isn't going to be enough for spousal support in court, esp if her years at home outweigh his.

The past has nothing to do with anything. It is completely irrelevant. The court will use the standard of what is in the best interests of the children. Typically, that is allowing them to stay in the same home with the same primary caregiver. She could try to claim that the medication makes him incapable of caring for the children, but if you make the claim, the burden is on you to prove it, and good luck with that. If he's caring for the children now, that is all that matters.

To the OP, I hope she has a big fat 401k built up, because that money is half yours, too.

 

[sazc]

The past has nothing to do with anything. It is completely irrelevant. The court will use the standard of what is in the best interests of the children. Typically, that is allowing them to stay in the same home with the same primary caregiver. She could try to claim that the medication makes him incapable of caring for the children, but if you make the claim, the burden is on you to prove it, and good luck with that. If he's caring for the children now, that is all that matters.

To the OP, I hope she has a big fat 401k built up, because that money is half yours, too.

I'm not getting from him that he wants primary custody, of the kids, etc. Sounds like wants to get back into his working feet.

The rest of it really depends on the state they live in and how expensive the lawyers are.

In Texas your chances of getting spousal support are slim to none. In Pennsylvania, if you can work, or eventually work, same scenario - the judge rules on support based on what you are capable of, not what is.

I do understand the advice being given, and the emotional place it originated from.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Sure. In Illinois he would be guaranteed spousal support, due to the new laws about it that just took effect in January. I don't think he even specified that he was in the US. I agree that his location is important.

 

[sazc]

Sure. In Illinois he would be guaranteed spousal support, due to the new laws about it that just took effect in January. I don't think he even specified that he was in the US. I agree that his location is important.

My girlfriend pays her ex spousal support in Pennsylvania. He just refused to ever get a job. So when they went to get divorced, he got spousal support. Lol, she's livid.

 

[Billtx49]

My girlfriend pays her ex spousal support in Pennsylvania. He just refused to ever get a job. So when they went to get divorced, he got spousal support. Lol, she's livid.

Yes, Deadbeats come in both sexes.

 

[sazc]

Yes, Deadbeats come in both sexes.

the best part is that he found another cash cow and married her and still isnt working. she now has custody of the kids but, because the courts are so slow, she still pays him child support

 

[Fzatf]

That's a factor to consider then as well. I'm in Texas.

 

[sazc]

That's a factor to consider then as well. I'm in Texas.

Ah! Well, there you go! You can Google for traditional Texas child custody and support. It's online. Definitely ask for what you want and remember, everything is negotiable.
Good luck with it all.

 

[Sho-No-Luv]

It is probably too late, and my advice is to focus upon self improvement. Get to the gym, get yourself emotionally and mentally healthy. Get your resume together. I can tell you that there is a fantastic life out there if you do the necessary work.

If it is possible to save the relationship (which I doubt) you would need to take preemptive action. I was in a similar situation. The problems start way, way before you get to where you are now. For example, my wife stopped working out and started withholding sex after she was promoted to regional manager of a number of medical facilities. She is making $$$. This was right after I went from making $$$ to less money. Our house is nearly paid for and stocked with $100k in furniture and electronics.

I explained to her "I understand that our economic changes may have affected your sexual attraction to me, and that is OK. I cannot control the way you feel about me. However, if that is the case, I have a right to intimacy and romance in my life. Since we could never match our standard of living in separate households, and we have a son together I suggest that we establish a trail separation. You have your wing of the house, and I have mine. You are free to do as you wish, and to see who you wish, just be reasonable and don't have sex in front of me or our son."

"This type of arrangement is common and we just need to sign a few documents to make it legal."

The key her is that you must be 100% mentally prepared to go through the separation. Keep in mind, that once the separation is legal you can have sex with other women and it is not cheating.

In my case none of that happened, and wifey is at the gym again. Remember, women are going to CONSTANTLY test you! Even after years of marriage.

Refusing to have sex, is a deal breaker for me. My best friend is going through that with his wife and he is miserable. But almost always, refusing to have sex, besides being sadistic is a sign of infidelity. And in his case there were many signs: no sex, acting distant, cell phone calls to another guy, evidence of another man being in his house while he was away out of state on business(to which she admitted to). He travels a lot out of state for his job, however she was like this a few years before that point.

Now, the female in question is an old acquaintance of mine whom I've known since I was seven, interesting enough my brother told me that she was a ***** from way back. When I asked him how he knew he said that they used to have sex together. Why am I not shocked?

My brother started telling me about all the guys that she has had sex with including him and get this, almost EVERY guy he mentioned I knew. This makes me think that she may have double digit numbers and is a straight up *****.

Sadly my friend is not the type of man to really put his foot down and he has allowed her to control the whole relationship..

SMGDH..

 

[YawataNoKami]

DO NOT MOVE OUT OFYOUR HOUSE. DO NOT MOVE UNLESS COURT ORDERS.

http://forum.mensdivorce.com

READ THE LIST.............

 

[wifehunter]

Drop her worthless a s s ! ! !

There's a special place in hell for people like that.

 

[wifehunter]

If you can't defend and provide for the cave that's what happens.

Wow, that's helpful!

 

[Thorninmyside]

The amicable thing is a myth. It's amicable because you're a soccer ball she can kick around. Watch how amicable it becomes when you get your mojo back and expect equality in the settlement and custody dealings.

First things first: get your mojo back. You need to be your best self to navigate the next year or so.

 

[sodbuster]

it's "amicable" until she can get something from you.... You get a better job? she's going to want a cut..... trust me

 

[Tenacity]

This thread right here is a PERFECT example of why marriage vows are bullshyt.

People only like/love you based on conditions. If the conditions change, their love/like for you will change. The concept of unconditional "forever" love is complete and utter bullshyt. Life is a game........either you play to WIN or you will be played. I know what side I'll be on.