I Need advice on BPD/NPD ex and hoovering

[MrAddiction]

I posted already in NC Thread but I realy Need advice on this.

LTR of nearly 8 years. One breakup After 6 and a half years.
Final Breakup was 9 month.
NC for 3 and a half month.

she already has a new Boyfriend moved in.
You can read the whole Story in NC Thread.

Normal she tried to contact every two weeks or so.
She send some bull****, or Christmas greetings. Wanted to invite herself to my birthday, gratulatedme to my Birthday. That was the only Time I send a thank you back als I would have done to everybody.
Two weeks after starting NC I hadsomethibg like a Second Birthday and it was the 10th. After being together with me for 8years she should have known the importance of that. But did not call or SMS. That convinced me NC is the right way to go.


. But two weeks ago hoovering started to became extrem.
Two weeks ago she wrote an Email
Two day later an SMS if I got the email
The netxt day calling
Then one week Radio silence.
Then last friday some calls to my cell and my homenumber
Weekendradio silence
Yesterday a bunch of falls to both Numbers and Even contacting my Cousin.

Thanks to my Cousin she knows that my cellnumber is still on.

Today:
2calls to my cell and two to my home number around noon. One voicemail: It would be nice if I would call. By the way she cannot get it why I don't do. call me please, otherwise I will come around the next days. That was 1300.
After that I Blockes her at my homephone.
She called again at 1500.
Then an email: when can she come get the rest of her things
Between 1600 and 1700 for calls on my cell and tried ten times to call my home number. Then a textmessage saying the same like the email.

She only calls whenever work or the way home and dring the week - times the new guy is not around.


There is not much left of her things. Some pictures. One Wii game. Can't even guess what else she thinks off.
She moved out 1 year and 5month ago. We got back together with seperated flats. And the final breakup was 9month ago: and now she wants to come and get her stuff? Stuff that she did not need for about 16month. She Never Even mentioned that stuff before.

Guys what am I suppose to do? She will definately show up here the next days. And will be angry as fcuk I guess.

It is just so draining.

I would Appreciate all your advice.

Thanks

 

[SuckItUp]

Put her **** outside or have a friend of hers pick it up. Granted it's likely she doesn't have friends so option one is the way to go.

 

[Polysix]

Dude, it seems you mindfvck yourself at the moment because of all the 'non reallife communication' (texts, phonecalls), just see her as a pitiful broken little girl, cause emotionally she is one emotionally retarded little girl. No need to be so anxious when your´re dealing with an angry child. Keep your cool, stay emotionally detached like a robot and just don´t take her seriously if there is no other way than to meet her in person. But for God´s sake don´t fvck her, because then you´ll start from zero. Stay strong!
But I would prefer SuckItUp´s or LARaider85´s suggestions. You owe her NOTHING!

 

[sodbuster]

ask her for a LIST of what she thinks she wants/left there. then tell her the day and time it will be outside your house. Don't be home that time of the day

 

[sodbuster]

you don't want to forget anything, so she can't contact you again....with some lame "you forgot xxxx"

 

[dude99]

I posted already in NC Thread but I realy Need advice on this.

LTR of nearly 8 years. One breakup After 6 and a half years.
Final Breakup was 9 month.
NC for 3 and a half month.

she already has a new Boyfriend moved in.
You can read the whole Story in NC Thread.

Normal she tried to contact every two weeks or so.
She send some bull****, or Christmas greetings. Wanted to invite herself to my birthday, gratulatedme to my Birthday. That was the only Time I send a thank you back als I would have done to everybody.
Two weeks after starting NC I hadsomethibg like a Second Birthday and it was the 10th. After being together with me for 8years she should have known the importance of that. But did not call or SMS. That convinced me NC is the right way to go.


. But two weeks ago hoovering started to became extrem.
Two weeks ago she wrote an Email
Two day later an SMS if I got the email
The netxt day calling
Then one week Radio silence.
Then last friday some calls to my cell and my homenumber
Weekendradio silence
Yesterday a bunch of falls to both Numbers and Even contacting my Cousin.

Thanks to my Cousin she knows that my cellnumber is still on.

Today:
2calls to my cell and two to my home number around noon. One voicemail: It would be nice if I would call. By the way she cannot get it why I don't do. call me please, otherwise I will come around the next days. That was 1300.
After that I Blockes her at my homephone.
She called again at 1500.
Then an email: when can she come get the rest of her things
Between 1600 and 1700 for calls on my cell and tried ten times to call my home number. Then a textmessage saying the same like the email.

She only calls whenever work or the way home and dring the week - times the new guy is not around.


There is not much left of her things. Some pictures. One Wii game. Can't even guess what else she thinks off.
She moved out 1 year and 5month ago. We got back together with seperated flats. And the final breakup was 9month ago: and now she wants to come and get her stuff? Stuff that she did not need for about 16month. She Never Even mentioned that stuff before.

Guys what am I suppose to do? She will definately show up here the next days. And will be angry as fcuk I guess.

It is just so draining.

I would Appreciate all your advice.

Thanks

Ignore her. Do not call her do not talk to her. If she shows up have her stuff in a box open the door shove the box out then close the door again. If she still insists on not leaving the only words you utter through your door are "you are trespassing i have already called the police."

If you broke up that long ago and she has already moved another dude in and she is bpd and still bothering you, then she is really using you for entertaiment.

Do not engage.

 

[sazc]

As others have pointed out, you are potentially opening a door if you TRY to give her stuff back. There will always be one more thing you "forgot to give her", or "are keeping from her" that she will ask/harass you about.

You didn't agree to store her sh!t and she didn't care enough to get it in a timely manner. It's been 9 months, she's legally abandoned her property. As far as you are concerned, you habe no idea what peoperty she is talking about, or where it could have gone. Maybe she forgot she took it months ago.

The ONLY response is

"I do not have any of your property in my possession"

If you feel like it, add "be well"

Then go NC and stay NC

 

[MrAddiction]

Hey, thanks for all that solid advice.
She had send me an Email saying she has no Problem if I would not want any contact any more but she wants her stuff back.
Wednesday Morning started with her calling every quater of an hour! I then send an email what the heck she was thinking and what might be so important to contact my cousin. Thanks to all the stuff I read about BPD and gaslightning I did some of that and I just did not mention any of her recommanding her stuff back.
Her answer was she was just so worried because I did not react and that she called my cousin and she thought I might have been angry on her and she would not know why.
I did not answer to her email anymore.
Eventhoug I have severe health problems which can go really bad any time (I am double Lung transplanted) - I think it is normal to call so often.
Especially the calling got more intense after she had called my Cousin and Must have known that there is no healt Problem to worry about. I think it was the typical BPD fear of abandonment that made her call that often.
Am I right here?

I like the reply from sazc, but I think any harsh Action on my Part will lead to another BPD rage and more stress for me. My priority is on having aus less trouble aus possible.

I also noticed that I have problems to tell her straight that I do never want contact again. Something Inside je has porblems with that. And that eventhoug I find her and her new boyfriend obese in such a way, that I could Never ever take her back.
Please help me on that.

I even consider to make a fake AFC move and to tell her that I can not have any contact anymore because I am still so deep in love with her.
That might cause the lest trouble and hopefully push her away.

What do you think?

Thanks to all who try to help.

 

[sazc]

@bradd80 He's not a leader..... He's not a strong enough man to do that.

Bradd80 hit it spot on. You've got all you need in this thread. Time to pull up your big boy pants and find your alpha male.

 

[sazc]

@MrAddiction tell her that you will be sure to instruct your family to tell her should something drastically change with your health. Then go NC and stay NC. Instruct your family to ignore her. Explain to them that she, and her drama, is unnecessary stress.

She's using your health status as a manipulating technique with you and your family. Put a stop to it.

 

[QuadDeuces]

She doesn't care about her stuff, she just wants to create drama, and make you think about her.
She probably mentions the photos because she knows that you will open that sealed box in the attic to look for them and will look at her face again and will be triggering old wounds.
It's all to manipulate you.
Tell your cousin to tell her that you threw away all her photos ages ago. (This will sting her ego massively)
She doesn't care about the WII game, who still plays WII these days and needs a specific game? Nobody. just ignore it don't dance through hoops because she tells you so, throw the WII game away or keep it, don't give it back, youre not her slave, your life is too busy to look for puny things like worthless WII games.
So unless it's a golden bracelet or anything with a value of more than 100EU/DOL ignore it.
She just wants you to look at her photos and she just wants to get back in your head reliving old memories.

 

[stovepipe]

NC is the only way on planet earth to deal with BPD NPD HPD. Block them, throw anything away that reminds you of them, because you cannot win as they are professionals at what they do.

 

[stovepipe]

The absolute worst thing about dealing with these toxic demons is you're never sure whether they are even personality disordered to begin with. You second guess yourself. You might have female friends who even agree with their behavior and intentionally gaslight you into thinking what they're doing is absolutely normal and this it is YOU that is the problem.

The important thing is to read up on these disorders, and if you catch yourself saying "that sounds familiar!" a whole lot then you have your answer. Just recognize that your sweetie has many of the traits exhibited by mentally ill people and simply determine whether u r upset in your relationship more often than not.

It's the uncertainty over whether the woman is normal or crazy that is the single most damaging characteristic of these relationships, because it is this uncertainty that keeps you locked in such relationships far longer than what is healthy.

I felt it early on man. Her telling me she slept with her teacher at 15 yo. Even doing it at her house cause her dad was rarely ever home (military) made my insides turn that I almost walked out on her right then and there. She showed zero remorse when telling me the story. Then me about a 3 some, I can go on and on. Or scratching my head wondering why most all her ex's looked like dorks and she was super hot. That made no sense to me, but now It does. I'm STUPID plain and simple. I was a beta my whole my life, rarely slept around, only LTR. I suffer from severe BDD which makes me very self conscious from even taking my shirt off.

If you saw a pic of me, I look Alpha AK, but deep down Im broken to the core. But I have great people skills and can lite a room up and make anyone laugh. Its all a show to cover up how much I hurt. Never been happy in my life, low self esteem and a bunch of other crap. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused as a child. I've felt like a kid all my life, like my brain never got the chance to mature. I dont work, I stay and **** around on my comp all day. I've been an addict since I was 16. Past 7 years off and on with opiates and benzos. Ex was a severe addict as well. I never trusted her since day one. Always playing private eye trying to find dirt.

There were sexual things I had an opportunity to do, but being ashamed of body I wouldn't let her do it. Now that part is eating me alive wishing I would have down it seeing as she left me with HPV. She did with hold some sexual things on purpose due to me making her get 2 abortions. All of it is eating me to the point some days I cannot move. My heart feels as if its going to give out any day now from the pain. Doing opiates takes away my pain, but when I run out, life is pure hell. She manipulated and gas lit me so hard the last 7 months that my brain feels fried. I should be glad I escaped, didn't have a child and didn't marry when she asked. But, being my life was crap before I met her, now Im left feeling hopeless and missing my better half,no job, living with my parents, few friends.

Therapist I spoke with said codependents and borderlines make a match made in heaven and hell. Its two broken people coming together as one. I know with her, most of the time she was just acting what she thought was right in her mind. But as time went on she def did things to purposely hurt me. Why am I spilling my beans to this forum, I have no clue. Im currently looking to seek treatment for mental health. After she left and I realized what she was, I also realized everything wrong with myself. If this is too much info please delete.

 

[stovepipe]

My bpd ex hoovered me yesterday. She texted me after 4 months of NC saying she was sorry and never meant to hurt me. I've read enough about cluster B and borderlines to know how fake her apology is. For my own sanity I didn't respond, as going NC is, and always will be, the only way to move on and heal from these types of women.

They want to get in your head, confuse you, keep you from moving on. It was only after the split did I realize what she was. After reading countless hours about their behaviors I looked back at the the two years we shared and realized all the BS, lies, manipulation, control, ect. Felt disgusted with myself. Dont let the hoover fool any of you. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't for one sec think their apologizes are genuine or their actions are heart felt. All they do is destroy anything that comes in their lives.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

@stovepipe

+1

Man WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING THROUGH lololol

 

[MrAddiction]

After reading countless hours about their behaviors I looked back at the the two years we shared and realized all the BS, lies, manipulation, control, ect. Felt disgusted with myself

Thinking backwards all your rememberings of the good times are at stake. You begin to doubt everything after realising that all might have been a big illussion and a fake play on her part. That really sucks.

Thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and giving meds solid advice.
It made up my mind and made ne realize that I do not owe her anything. Not even a respond to her mail I talked about. It s radio silence since then. Will she contact again I will keep NC or follow the 24 Hour advice from Brad. Thanks to all for setting my head straight!

 

[stovepipe]

@stovepipe

+1

Man WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING THROUGH lololol

Freaking wish I knew man. Im going through some tough chit right now lol. Have you ever heard of "dark knight of the soul"? Never heard of it till the other day. After doing some reading on the subjuect, it feels like eaxactly what I am going thorugh. On top of a spirtual awaking. Im starting to become more into Christianly after all this.

Thinking backwards all your rememberings of the good times are at stake. You begin to doubt everything after realising that all might have been a big illussion and a fake play on her part. That really sucks.

Thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and giving meds solid advice.
It made up my mind and made ne realize that I do not owe her anything. Not even a respond to her mail I talked about. It s radio silence since then. Will she contact again I will keep NC or follow the 24 Hour advice from Brad. Thanks to all for setting my head straight!

I am sacrificing remembering the good times, but at this point, I dont really care anymore. Im fairly good at reading people. I could tell she really was in love with me, but what she considers love is not what normal people feel. She lives in a fantasy world and intensity was the name of her game. She did a lot of things that in her mind were not a big deal or harmful to me, but in a normal persons mind her behavior was damaging.

Her mind thinks like a child not a grown adult most of the time. She was also all about control, once she started to see her control wasn't working, she pre-planned an escape just in case she lost all control of the relationship, she had a back up plan ready. I've read over 50hrs of material regarding BPD,NPD and cluster B. I became fascinated and took what I learned, analyzed the entire 2 years, and figured out what most everything really meant in her eyes, the red flags I missed and a bunch of other stuff that made me really angry. I've since laid off reading about as I've read more than enough to know how these women work. There is 3 articles out of the 40-50 I read that I plan on making a thread for as they have the most accurate description regrading these earth demons.


You dont owe your ex anything. Do not feel guilty, do not feel sorry for her, forgive yourself and forgive her. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was to forgive her for what she did. Once I was able to do so, I felt as though I got my power back, on top of finally feeling as if a huge weight was lifted off my body .

As for going NC, that is the one and only way to win against these types of women. Seeing as most of their behavior is similar to narcissists, going NC is the biggest injury one can inflict one them. There is a good book called "No Contact, How To Beat a Narcissist", by HG Tudor. The author is a narcissist, so you get to go in the mind of one and see how they work. Granted he is a male, the same principles still apply. Going NC means even deleting pics of them or checking their FB page for example. It must be strict, NC means NC of any kind. Feel free to PM me. More importantly good luck and hope everything works out for you man.

God speed

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Same, we are definently in same the same boat.. write as many articles possible!

Men need to know the truth lol!

When I conquer the battle and master my own emotions I'm writing an a-z guide on all the steps I went through... this book how I lost a million dollars does a good enough job descriving the emotional battle, losing your love is like losing all your money ):

Coming from a guy whos done this on and off for over a year.. NC is the most baller gangster chit you can do, it cannot come from a place of trying to get her back, though it usually will work, you will lose in the long run. NC always should be used for moving on, THAT'S IT! And best case scenario, your heart comes back into center.. she sees you genuinly moved on and she usually begs for you to take her back.. though since your healed you will realize how crazy she is and won't want nothing to do with her, and whatever she does to make you jealous will ALWAYS look ridiculous

Once again, COMING FROM A GUY THAT BEEN TO WAR WITH THIS FOR OVER A YEEAARRRRR.. have been through pretty much everything.

Say you run into her at the bar and she's with her new faggot.. SENSE you moved on and cut contact first %100 she will look like the try hard idiot. You will see it and it won't ruin your night, she might even leave pissed off you didn't get hurt seeing them (they always hope you see them with there new guy, and always hope you will blow up, serously will make there year)

Then if you go no contact on the hopes she will come back, you are still in %100 in her control, and anything she does or says has a huge impact on you, you see her at the bar making out with her faggot you WILL run home crying and won't eat for weeks hahaha
It feels really good watching them squirm when you won't answer texts back.. but then you will squirm when they give up.
NC is for moving on only lol..
Big issue iv had is doing it to get her back, secretly hoping she will come back, the damned thing is we got back together for a week, and made things so much worse.

 

[stovepipe]

Not steal the OP's thunder, but Im in a hoover and wanted to get some input. My ex bpd best friend and I have gotten to be really close after my ex moved. Not in an intimate way, but just as friends. Her and my ex were very close friends for 15 years. I barely knew her or hung out, just random dinners with friends. More like the occasional acquaintance who also happened to hook my ex and I up. After my bpd ex moved, I told her all the trash my ex was talking about her, as she was being manipulated and conned just like I was into thinking she cared.

Once I revealed the trash talk to her, she cried and questioned their entire friendship. That knowing she is a narcissist, going NC is the greatest injury, as she doesn't want her having the satisfaction of knowing the truth. My ex didn't want me talking to her after she moved, which I didn't listen of course. The reason was her friend was the one who made me aware about her past, which in turn with research I found out she was a NPD PDP=cluster B. I saw a million red flags, but ignored them due to my friend hooking us up. But after hearing her side it all made sense. She was so loyal to my ex that it made me vomit. Its like the people who follow her, worship her. From what I've read, female BPD like to have their female friends be less attractive, so they can feel superior, have them feel privileged to have such a popular and attractive friend, feed her info on others, be there when she needs something. The term for these people are "flying monkeys".

The problem is, I was telling this girl everything about our relationship,secrets, my suffering, my std, therapy, the pain I'm in, ect. I asked her to promise to never tell anyone (stupid I know) so it doesn't potentially get leaked to my ex by telling her other friend who still talks to my ex. She is also moving back to our city and them two talk all the time. That girl is more brainwashed than the other one. She lent my ex a couple grand before she moved. My friend explained she has no plans to ever talk to my ex after all that happened.

I know my three years of knowing her aint gonna keep her mouth shut v my ex's 15 years. So the other day she texted me a motivation meme, I responded saying its hard to get over someone who loved you, but screwed your life up. She kept telling me I need to man up and being 5 months out I should be suffering anymore. The next morning, my ex texts me after 5 months, saying she is sorry and never meant to hurt me. Later I get a call from her friend asking how I was doing. Something was off in her voice, I could tell she may have gotten in touch with my ex and told her how much I was still suffering. I didn't respond to my ex, as I want nothing to do with her. On top of BPDs they love getting a reaction (supply) whether it be positive or negative, it doesn't matter. To them, if you respond, they know they still have control, makes them feel superior. They want to prevent you from moving on and staying under their clutches.

The next day, I hung out with her fiend for a little bit, she didn't mention my ex at all. She was acting weird, it's like I could feel her waiting for me to mention my ex texted me, as I would tell her EVERYTHING almost every time we hung out. I told myself to keep my mouth shut when I talked to her and play dumb.

Deep down I feel like I'm getting played. No way would my ex text after 5 months the day before talking to her friend about my suffering, then her friend calling later in the day after my ex texted. There is no way that would happen. She had to have been lying to me about talking to my ex. She broke her promise to me keeping my business to herself. Also, her saying she will never speak to my ex again, as I could really tell she never planned it. I have no idea what to do here. Deep down I should cut the friend off, as there will always be the potential for hearing about my ex or my personal business getting out. Thing is, I truly felt after all I told this girl my ex said about her, that she would never talk to my ex. My ex is a really good manipulator, so I would be surprised if she sucked her back in and is manipulating her to the bone. Part of me wants to call her friend out and let her know she lied to me, broke her promise. The ball is in my court here. What course of action would you all take? I went from giving great advice, to wasting my time writing this worthless post. Sorry to the OP for posting this here.

 

[Billtx49]

Not steal the OP's thunder, but Im in a hoover and wanted to get some input. My ex bpd best friend and I have gotten to be really close after my ex moved. Not in an intimate way, but just as friends. Her and my ex were very close friends for 15 years. I barely knew her or hung out, just random dinners with friends. More like the occasional acquaintance who also happened to hook my ex and I up. After my bpd ex moved, I told her all the trash my ex was talking about her, as she was being manipulated and conned just like I was into thinking she cared.

Once I revealed the trash talk to her, she cried and questioned their entire friendship. That knowing she is a narcissist, going NC is the greatest injury, as she doesn't want her having the satisfaction of knowing the truth. My ex didn't want me talking to her after she moved, which I didn't listen of course. The reason was her friend was the one who made me aware about her past, which in turn with research I found out she was a NPD PDP=cluster B. I saw a million red flags, but ignored them due to my friend hooking us up. But after hearing her side it all made sense. She was so loyal to my ex that it made me vomit. Its like the people who follow her, worship her. From what I've read, female BPD like to have their female friends be less attractive, so they can feel superior, have them feel privileged to have such a popular and attractive friend, feed her info on others, be there when she needs something. The term for these people are "flying monkeys".

The problem is, I was telling this girl everything about our relationship,secrets, my suffering, my std, therapy, the pain I'm in, ect. I asked her to promise to never tell anyone (stupid I know) so it doesn't potentially get leaked to my ex by telling her other friend who still talks to my ex. She is also moving back to our city and them two talk all the time. That girl is more brainwashed than the other one. She lent my ex a couple grand before she moved. My friend explained she has no plans to ever talk to my ex after all that happened.

I know my three years of knowing her aint gonna keep her mouth shut v my ex's 15 years. So the other day she texted me a motivation meme, I responded saying its hard to get over someone who loved you, but screwed your life up. She kept telling me I need to man up and being 5 months out I should be suffering anymore. The next morning, my ex texts me after 5 months, saying she is sorry and never meant to hurt me. Later I get a call from her friend asking how I was doing. Something was off in her voice, I could tell she may have gotten in touch with my ex and told her how much I was still suffering. I didn't respond to my ex, as I want nothing to do with her. On top of BPDs they love getting a reaction (supply) whether it be positive or negative, it doesn't matter. To them, if you respond, they know they still have control, makes them feel superior. They want to prevent you from moving on and staying under their clutches.

The next day, I hung out with her fiend for a little bit, she didn't mention my ex at all. She was acting weird, it's like I could feel her waiting for me to mention my ex texted me, as I would tell her EVERYTHING almost every time we hung out. I told myself to keep my mouth shut when I talked to her and play dumb.

Deep down I feel like I'm getting played. No way would my ex text after 5 months the day before talking to her friend about my suffering, then her friend calling later in the day after my ex texted. There is no way that would happen. She had to have been lying to me about talking to my ex. She broke her promise to me keeping my business to herself. Also, her saying she will never speak to my ex again, as I could really tell she never planned it. I have no idea what to do here. Deep down I should cut the friend off, as there will always be the potential for hearing about my ex or my personal business getting out. Thing is, I truly felt after all I told this girl my ex said about her, that she would never talk to my ex. My ex is a really good manipulator, so I would be surprised if she sucked her back in and is manipulating her to the bone. Part of me wants to call her friend out and let her know she lied to me, broke her promise. The ball is in my court here. What course of action would you all take? I went from giving great advice, to wasting my time writing this worthless post. Sorry to the OP for posting this here.

Cut the friend out of your life if your gut is telling you she's a spy. There is no such thing as a coincidence involving a BPD Ex and spies being involved. She will manipulate them as well as she did it to you. BPD's can leave a wide swath of damage behind them that also involve friends and family.

If you want to be more fact based before cutting the friend out, toss another carrot or two to the friend and see what happens. Another similar instance raises the odds above 50/50 it's going on. Three similar instances, and it becomes an undeniable fact.