Women squimring out of boundarys

[Rainman4707]

So, you have a boundary with your GF. You are both to not spend time with opposite sex....things like going to the pictures with the opposite sex, texting other men.

Sometimes though, women will put themselves in funny scenarios for example :- your GF has been spending a lot of time with her female best friend & her partner. Your GF's best friends partner happens to have a brother.
Now your GF Is spending a lot of time with another single male (the partners brother) because she is going to see her best friend, but the best friends partner & his brother are also there.

Am just saying there are certain times a woman can be sly about the boundary, she might be thinking hmm the brother makes a lot of money, I might spend some time & flirt with him a little, i'm not breaking the boundary because, after all i'm supporting my best friend because her sister has just died & she needs me.

 

[Serenity]

Having such a strict boundary is usually something people have a hard time accepting, it's also indicative of jealousy. She would more probably be thinking "he's just a friend, I shouldn't be prevented in seeing my friends, I will not sacrifice seeing my friends just for this one guy, he doesn't trust me anyways".

If you can't trust your girlfriend enough to allow her to have friends of the opposite sex, then it's probably never going to work anyways.

Even I wouldn't respect such a boundary. I have a couple of female friends that I have no intention on being romantic with, if my girlfriend even just tried to interfere with my friendships I would dump her.

I do not prevent my girlfriend from seeing any friends, with or without my presence. I'm not paranoid about what happens when I don't look, but I have made it damn clear to her that I will not tolerate any romantic or sexual actions with other men. I also made clear the consequences if I find out such things have happened.

Now you could argue that she could be doing it, but I know nothing about it. That is a risk that usually must be taken in a trust based relationship though. In the case it did happen and I found out there will be no mercy, she would be out on her a$$.

 

[Rainman4707]

Having such a strict boundary is usually something people have a hard time accepting, it's also indicative of jealousy. She would more probably be thinking "he's just a friend, I shouldn't be prevented in seeing my friends, I will not sacrifice seeing my friends just for this one guy, he doesn't trust me anyways".

If you can't trust your girlfriend enough to allow her to have friends of the opposite sex, then it's probably never going to work anyways.

Even I wouldn't respect such a boundary. I have a couple of female friends that I have no intention on being romantic with, if my girlfriend even just tried to interfere with my friendships I would dump her.

I do not prevent my girlfriend from seeing any friends, with or without my presence. I'm not paranoid about what happens when I don't look, but I have made it damn clear to her that I will not tolerate any romantic or sexual actions with other men. I also made clear the consequences if I find out such things have happened.

Now you could argue that she could be doing it, but I know nothing about it. That is a risk that usually must be taken in a trust based relationship though. In the case it did happen and I found out there will be no mercy, she would be out on her a$$.

My GF used to go to the pics with her male friend (an ex of hers) When i first entered a LTR with my current GF, she thought it was acceptable to keep going to the pics with him. There was a lot of talk about boundaries on here at the time. I felt that that I had to tell her that we should make a boundary that we wont spend time alone with opposite sex, for example going to pics. obviously this excludes brother sisters whatnot.
I wasn't going to sit back & allow another male to take her out to watch a movie.

Would you allow your GF to go to the pictures with one of her male "friends"??

 

[Serenity]

@Rainman4707 Yes I would let my girlfriend go to a movie with a male friend. Though the only case where she wouldn't take me with her would be if I couldn't because of work or other appointments I had.

However, if that male friend was an ex it's an entirely different scenario. In that particular case I don't think your boundary is unreasonable, but this is vastly different from your first scenario.

 

[Rainman4707]

@Rainman4707 Yes I would let my girlfriend go to a movie with a male friend. Though the only case where she wouldn't take me with her would be if I couldn't because of work or other appointments I had.

However, if that male friend was an ex it's an entirely different scenario. In that particular case I don't think your boundary is unreasonable, but this is vastly different from your first scenario.

When i'm in a LTR with a girl there is no chance she is going to the pictures with another bloke. Period.

 

[Rainman4707]

My LTR is always meeting up with women friends to talk crap, they love talking crap and gossiping, they are women after all. She is most happy when sharing some gossip with as many friends as possibe.

Going out with some other man who is 'just friends' (ie beta orbitor) is all kinds of wrong, no decent woman who is satisfied with her partner would even think of such a thing and should even be slightly repulsed by the idea.

Just putting across what the women might be thinking below.....
Some women will have been going to the pics with her male friend for years before she met you. He is one of her best friends so she might think there is nothing wrong with it.
They are only friends & she wont do anything with him.

 

[Serenity]

When i'm in a LTR with a girl there is no chance she is going to the pictures with another bloke. Period.

That's fine, you decide where to draw the line. There's nothing inherently wrong about it, I'm just saying that most people won't respect or accept that boundary. It does show you have a certain level of fear about losing her, which means she has some measure of power over you. Jealousy is a weakness that can be used against you. It can also run your relationship into the ground, because to her it would be unreasonable to not be allowed male friends if she knows with herself there's no chance in hell she would choose someone else. At that point you'll begin preventing her with controlling behavior, which she will strongly dislike. Eventually you just become a burden in her life and she dumps you.

That is how a fear of losing someone leads to actually losing someone. I have seen this happen multiple times with the same result every time. How jealous the guy is determines how messy the break-up gets, I've seen extreme versions of this.

My female cousin was in a relationship with a guy who was really jealous. He would not allow her to spend time with any of her male friends and if she did anyways he accused her left and right that she was cheating. He even thought she was cheating with me (that sick fvck), but in truth she wasn't cheating with anyone. He was just extremely afraid of losing her and completely paranoid about it. This wore her down a lot and in the end she snapped. She packed her things on the day while he was out, got the fvck out of there and told him it was over. It really was over, she did not want him back ever. He on the other side went into full-blown AFC mode. He begged her to get back with him and went to all sorts of crazy lengths, even threatening suicide which is the most extreme thing you could do. To some extent my cousin did take advantage of his weakness after the break-up, his fear of losing her which was really there all the time.

I don't know of any couple who have had that boundary and endured. Several of my friends have tried it and it worked for none of them.

My LTR is always meeting up with women friends to talk crap, they love talking crap and gossiping, they are women after all. She is most happy when sharing some gossip with as many friends as possibe.

Going out with some other man who is 'just friends' (ie beta orbitor) is all kinds of wrong, no decent woman who is satisfied with her partner would even think of such a thing and should even be slightly repulsed by the idea.

Going to see a friend does not automatically imply she's not satisfied with her partner. I'm very satisfied with my partner, but I do still have female friends. Those friends are not there to fill in something that my partner is lacking, they are just nice people to hang out with. I do not see the wrong you see, unless I put myself in the shoes of a jealous insecure man. Such a man is also the only one to assume her male friends have sexual or romantic interest in her or even has a chance.

 

[Desdinova]

Am just saying there are certain times a woman can be sly about the boundary, she might be thinking hmm the brother makes a lot of money, I might spend some time & flirt with him a little, i'm not breaking the boundary because, after all i'm supporting my best friend because her sister has just died & she needs me.

She knows the rules. If she starts bending them too far, then it's time to kick her to the curb. The issue isn't that she's around another male, the issue is that she's compromising her dedication, devotion, and respect for her man, and she's doing it consciously. If a woman feels the need to wander, then you're not at the top of her high score list and you probably never will be.

I keep saying that women with five or more partners in their past are permanently damaged. Their mission to find "that one guy" is over by that point, and they've hopped onto the c0ck carousel for the long ride.

 

[zekko]

That's fine, you decide where to draw the line.

Agree, it's up to where you decide to draw the line. One guys says no movies with a male friend. Another guy says movies is okay unless it's an ex. It's up to the individual and what you will tolerate.

But you can't reasonably expect that she will never have any contact with another male ever again. If she's going to live in the world, she's going to have contact with another male. If you can't keep her, she isn't right for you, and maybe you need to up your SMV, or "game", or whatever.

 

[sazc]

If you feel disrespected, open your mouth and let her know where you would like the boundaries to be. If she doesn't respect you, you then know she's not really about you.

If my man felt uncomfortable I would handle it, in his favor.

 

[Desdinova]

I don't see putting boundaries on a woman as a way to keep them in line. I see it more as a 5hit test of whether she's a good candidate for the long term or not. If she isn't, she's going to challenge the boundary or be sneaky about it.

Male attention to women is similar to being addicted to cigarettes. They don't become addicted right away, but the continued exposure to them slowly creates the addiction. If you tell someone you expect them to stop smoking, they will just hide their smoking addiction from you. The same goes for telling women to stop hanging around other men. If they're addicted to it, they'll just hide it from you.

Women who have grown accustomed to male attention are addicted to the emotional fluctuation that it causes. Women who have a low partner count are not addicted to it and therefore don't need it.

 

[The Duke]

I always felt it was best to define some type of expectations and boundaries early on. They should be based on what type of relationship(casual, serious dating, plate, ltr, fuhk buddies, etc). Both parties have to be on the same page for things to stay harmonious. The less serious the relationship, the less you need serious boundaries. It’s no different than expectations/boundaries/rules for what is acceptable in the work place, in public, or driving down the road.

But if you set boundaries that are too stringent/strict/defined you create an environment that causes the other to go underground with their questionable behavior. With more loosely defined boundaries, the other person is more likely to tip you off about what they have been up to.

If you see something that bothers you, point it out. If they correct the situation then great, if not then you know what you are dealing with.

 

[Trump]

This is why setting a boundary can be extremely dangerous...You can miss the Forrest for the trees. No different than making a hoe a housewife to be honest. Luckily for you this girl is not too smart and putting it all on display.

On the other hand by not setting a boundary the girl could be subtly laughing at him for constantly hanging out with another male and him not saying anything (her thinking: is he deaf, dumb, or indifferent?)

It's tricky.

 

[Serenity]

My posts got deteled over a misunderstanding and @Atom Smasher haven't recovered them (please?).

Still my opinion stays the same. The only reason a man would have such a boundary is jealousy. It's friends, not competition. If you fear competition you know you're sh!t compared to other guys, why else fear it? If you're too good to lose a woman would be a complete retard to risk it or even consider another guy.

If you didn't find an idiot and keep at the top of your game you don't need that boundary.

Do you not understand that there is a difference between friendship and fvcking someone? That sex is not the motivation for all friendships with the opposite sex? Your way of thinking about this is just all kinds of fvcked up to me.

 

[Atom Smasher]

@Grewd
I think I got them all. Let me know if I missed anything.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

Another boundary discussion, my, my, my. It's quite simple, actually. Communicate your boundary. She breaks it, you give her the boot. Simple.

 

[SkrooU]

The only reason a man would have such a boundary is jealousy. It's friends, not competition. If you fear competition you know you're sh!t compared to other guys, why else fear it? If you're too good to lose a woman would be a complete retard to risk it or even consider another guy.

If you didn't find an idiot and keep at the top of your game you don't need that boundary.

Do you not understand that there is a difference between friendship and fvcking someone? That sex is not the motivation for all friendships with the opposite sex? Your way of thinking about this is just all kinds of fvcked up to me.

You're over-simplifying this topic. You have to draw the line somewhere. For instance, are you ok with your wife/girlfriend spending the night with her ex while you're out of town? Are you ok with your wife being seen with other men in restaurants, walking out of theaters with other men, taking trips with other men to tropical islands? I'm guessing you wouldn't be.

It's not just about someone fvcking someone else; it's about perceptions. People tend to get suspicious and gossip about these situations. I doubt you nor anybody else wants to look like the town fool just because you've decided to trust that your woman is "just friends" and therefore able to do as she pleases because you are soooo confident in yourself being at the top of your game.

I take the common sense approach. Screen them. Nothing is wrong with a woman having male friends or being around other men. And it's definitely a sign of insecurity to monitor your woman to the point she can't go to the store because she said hi to the cashier. But if they are addicted to male attention and make a habit of hanging out with their exes then they'll probably just be a pain the a$$. I mean who the hell wants to have to think about this and fight off these thoughts? Wouldn't you just rather be with someone who has enough common sense to not put you in these situations?

As for the OP? The situation he describes is not detailed enough for us to offer any sound advice. Is his woman's partner's brother just there for the night or Christmas? Or are they all doing things together as if they're on double dates? If it's the latter, then OP needs to be cool about it and just give his woman the option to do something better with him. If she rejects it too many times and there are other suspicious things going on, then maybe he should be concerned or just admit he's not in the right relationship.

 

[zekko]

Male attention to women is similar to being addicted to cigarettes. They don't become addicted right away, but the continued exposure to them slowly creates the addiction. If you tell someone you expect them to stop smoking, they will just hide their smoking addiction from you. The same goes for telling women to stop hanging around other men. If they're addicted to it, they'll just hide it from you.

I always think that, for example, if someone is smoking and trying to hide it, you're still going to be smelling the cigarette smoke - on their clothes, their breath, or in their hair. Similarly, if a girl is screwing around, the truth is going to come out sooner or later. I'm not going to sweat it, if they screw up, their loss.

If a woman disagrees with or objects to what I think are appropriate boundaries, then she's not relationship material (for me).

You're over-simplifying this topic. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Totally agree, there's always a line - not talking about mere plates here, mind you. So if it's okay for her to go to the movies with a male friend, is it cool if they hold hands while they're there? If he put his arm around her? How about a kiss - just as friends, of course? Peck on the lips? Peck on the cheeks? Is French kissing out? Full makeout session? Nudity? "Oh, I saw his penis, I would never do anything, we're just friends". Skinny dipping? Most guys would not tolerate her actually fvcking the guy.

Doesn't mean you have to verbalize your boundaries, necessarily, but there's always a line. And as we've seen just in this short discussion already, not everyone agrees on where that line is. Not even here on SoSuave, a group of supposedly like-thinking men (relatively).

 

[Serenity]

You're over-simplifying this topic. You have to draw the line somewhere. For instance, are you ok with your wife/girlfriend spending the night with her ex while you're out of town? Are you ok with your wife being seen with other men in restaurants, walking out of theaters with other men, taking trips with other men to tropical islands? I'm guessing you wouldn't be.

It's not just about someone fvcking someone else; it's about perceptions. People tend to get suspicious and gossip about these situations. I doubt you nor anybody else wants to look like the town fool just because you've decided to trust that your woman is "just friends" and therefore able to do as she pleases because you are soooo confident in yourself being at the top of your game.

I take the common sense approach. Screen them. Nothing is wrong with a woman having male friends or being around other men. And it's definitely a sign of insecurity to monitor your woman to the point she can't go to the store because she said hi to the cashier. But if they are addicted to male attention and make a habit of hanging out with their exes then they'll probably just be a pain the a$$. I mean who the hell wants to have to think about this and fight off these thoughts? Wouldn't you just rather be with someone who has enough common sense to not put you in these situations?

As for the OP? The situation he describes is not detailed enough for us to offer any sound advice. Is his woman's partner's brother just there for the night or Christmas? Or are they all doing things together as if they're on double dates? If it's the latter, then OP needs to be cool about it and just give his woman the option to do something better with him. If she rejects it too many times and there are other suspicious things going on, then maybe he should be concerned or just admit he's not in the right relationship.

Of course you gotta draw the line somewhere, wasn't denying that. I was arguing against where OP draws his, I didn't have to go in detail because he's not talking about details. He's talking about just simply denying his girlfriend to have male FRIENDS, in the word "friends" it should be understood it looks like and is just a friend.

@zekko
None of the mentioned details are things I would accept, because that's not how just friends act. I was not arguing where the line should go in detail, that obviously varies depending on the individual guy. I was arguing against the extreme of totally denying them to have male friends.

 

[Desdinova]

So if it's okay for her to go to the movies with a male friend, is it cool if they hold hands while they're there? If he put his arm around her? How about a kiss - just as friends, of course? Peck on the lips? Peck on the cheeks? Is French kissing out? Full makeout session? Nudity? "Oh, I saw his penis, I would never do anything, we're just friends". Skinny dipping?

Women will do things according to how they feel in that particular moment in time. If she's had a bad day and she's out with her male friend, he's going to help her emotions transition from negative to positive. This is emotional fluctuation, and women thrive on it. In that moment, she is at her most vulnerable to be fvcked by her guy friend who seemingly caused her emotions to fluctuate.

And there's you... The man who only sees her a couple times a week while on the other days she's having emotional fluctuation around men who are NOT you. She doesn't really need you for anything (other than possibly sperm donation) because she has others to fulfil everything that are supposed to be your responsibilities in the relationship.