Im only realizing this now: My Ex girlfriend completely fvcked me up. Fvcking up my new relationship

[narcissist]

I am having a realization. My first girlfriend has completely made me have a subconscious fear of commitment and loss, to the point where I cannot even be myself around my new girlfriend. I am so scared of getting hurt, that I have been distancing myself from my girlfriend now, and have been half in and half out of this relationship.

As some background, my Ex girlfriend cheated on me twice. I was completely devastated, as she was my first girlfriend, and I took her virginity, and we talked about marriage and everything. And this is how I found out about this site. I broke up with her after the second time and didn't talk to her once for 2 years. It was a blessing in disguise because I found this site and it made me a better man HOWEVER I think the hurt and heart break that I felt at the time made me utilize the information on this site for the purpose of never getting hurt again. I think this is the wrong way to learn this stuff. It should be learned so that you become a stronger better person so that if a relationship ends you are strong enough to get over it.

I have been treating it as Dont be 100% in the relationship and thats the only way you wont get hurt.

I am deeply and subconsciously afraid that any girl I will be in an exclusive relationship with will cheat on me because of my first experience in a relationship. My Ex has completely tainted my ability to be in an exclusive relationship. My subconscious is working to protect me by no fully engaging in my relationship right now.

After 2 years, me and my Ex contacted each other. We only talked a couple times. That was like 1.5 years ago. I just now realized how fvcking stupid I am for ever saying anything to her after I broke up with her. She fvcked me up and I should have never said another word to her again. I know this may be extreme but I just blocked and deleted her on everything, even though I havent talked to her in like a year. I dont care if she sees, I just feel as though it is the epitome of self-respect to basically erase any person for your life who has done harm to you. She doesn't deserve to be in my life. Thats that.

Now, I need advice. How can I not let this sh1tty past relationship taint my new relationships with girls. I know that people should have a healthy dose of "my girlfriend might cheat" but I cant let it keep me being 50/50 in relationships. I need to learn to be fully in them, and if they go awry, be strong enough of a person to move on.

 

[narcissist]

I think I am self-sabotaging

 

[narcissist]

Also, should I tell my current girlfriend about this? I feel as though I want to be honest with her. Like I need to get it off my chest, and tell her that I have a fear of cheating? Or is this being a chode? I dont know. My initial thoughts tell me not to. And that it seems chodey.

 

[CMNILS87]

Also, should I tell my current girlfriend about this? I feel as though I want to be honest with her. Like I need to get it off my chest, and tell her that I have a fear of cheating? Or is this being a chode? I dont know. My initial thoughts tell me not to. And that it seems chodey.

Bits and pieces. Don't give up everything on a whim. If she ever asks about the old ex. Just say you won't go into detail. Too many bad memories and she made you question what you're suppose to feel/act like when in a decent relationship.

 

[marmel75]

Stop blaming others for your problems.

She didn't cause anything to happen. It happened because you are weak minded and fragile and need to toughen up.

If that's all it takes to send you into the bottom of the Grand Canyon, you are going to really get your ass kicked by life...it's cold, cruel and unforgiving. Far more than your ex girlfriend could ever imagine being.

My suggestion is to get tougher skin. You'll need it.

 

[narcissist]

Stop blaming others for your problems.

She didn't cause anything to happen. It happened because you are weak minded and fragile and need to toughen up.

If that's all it takes to send you into the bottom of the Grand Canyon, you are going to really get your ass kicked by life...it's cold, cruel and unforgiving. Far more than your ex girlfriend could ever imagine being.

My suggestion is to get tougher skin. You'll need it.

I think it is pretty naive of you to think that others cant have a negative impact on you in any significant way.

 

[El Payaso]

Good. That fear will keep you alert and on your toes. Without fear, life is meaningless.

 

[Julian]

.the fact is a girl is going to cheat on you no matter what. what you learned is a hard lesson. the truth is getting into a relationship without a girl cheating eventually, is like jumping into water expecting not to get wet.

the realization you should have is being a player bad ass alpha

and ps newbie player advice 101 dont talk to your current ***** about an ex ***** i mean what in the fuk. this girl does not wanna be dr phil. what you need to do is, provide her with good sexual relations, a variety of feels, and focus stacking money and following your passions.

 

[SteR]

Stop blaming others for your problems.

She didn't cause anything to happen. It happened because you are weak minded and fragile and need to toughen up.

If that's all it takes to send you into the bottom of the Grand Canyon, you are going to really get your ass kicked by life...it's cold, cruel and unforgiving. Far more than your ex girlfriend could ever imagine being.

My suggestion is to get tougher skin. You'll need it.

Nonsense.

@narcissist don't worry, I've actually been through the same thing, although I was never cheated on - it's called projection. For me, my first serious relationship was a pretty intense one with a girl that had only just split up with a long-term boyfriend.. and she ended up going back to him. Where as you find yourself subconsciously keeping your distance from girls in fear of getting cheating, I did exactly the same in fear of smothering them.

The only reason I woke up to it was because my distancing myself actually lost me a girl I really wanted. The irony was that she felt I was too distant.. when in reality I wanted intimacy so much internally, I was just reacting to previous experience and deliberately keeping up my guard. It's good you've become aware of it though, because that's the only way to sort your behaviour out.

The only advice I'd say is stay NC with ex. But going forward, the mere fact you've become aware of your behaviour should mean you can spot when you're self-sabotaging.. at least that's how it worked for me.

Don't be too hard on yourself though, it's pretty natural. It's only your mind's way of trying to protect itself against similar trauma. Just be on alert to catch yourself if you feel you're projecting again.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Dont be 100% in the relationship and thats the only way you wont get hurt.

You can be 100% committed to a relationship in the future, but you first need to recondition your outlook to what 'commitment' actually is; i.e. committing like a red-pill man, opposed to a blue-pill retard (probably like you did before).

And to an extent, @marmel75 is right. Part of said re-conditioning is knowing that you are responsible for what happens to you, not anyone else, especially as a man. Sure people treat others badly, but relationships of any kind are a complimentary situation between two different types of people - an abusive/selfish person will compliment a weak masochistic personality. If you don't act like a doormat, people can't use you as one. Ask yourself how you behaved with your ex and maybe how that facilitated her behaviour.

She doesn't deserve to be in my life. Thats that.

Now, I need advice. How can I not let this sh1tty past relationship taint my new relationships with girls.

If that's the decision you've made then live it and believe it. It will sink in eventually. Forget her, she's gone for good.

 

[sazc]

I remember another thread where you mentioned something about this. I think you've figured out what's holding you back. I knew then that you obviously care about your present girlfriend, and dont want to lose her. You seem pretty torn up with fear about getting hurt again.

In general, I say tell her what's up. You dont have to vomit all over her with this stuff, but I think it would be good for you to acknowledge that you are holding back emotionally and tell her why. Letting someone in, honesty, disclosure, these are the ways of building an emotional bond with someone. By telling present GF some bits and pieces, her reaction will allow you to gauge her emotional depth and caring/compassion for you. Even if present GF isnt the woman you marry, you can start some healing by letting her in.

At the very least, you can use your past as a litmus test for the women you date. (In due time) share your past experiences, fears, traumas with future women and watch how they respond. If they wave you off with something negative "we've all had cheaters before, get over it" then this female might not be emotionally ready for what you are looking for - strict plate material.

Tell current GF what's up. Also tell her what you need as a result of this (give that some thought beforehand) If you are looking for someone to have a future with, you have to look for someone who can accept you for who you are, and absolutely respond to your needs. Give her a chance to be the person you need.

IMO the only way to move past it is to start talking about it so that you can move thru it. Scary sh!t, but the best sh!t in life is usually scary.

Good luck, hugs, and let us know how it goes.

 

[narcissist]

I have a lot of things to say. I am going to write them out when I get to school.

For now, thanks for all the advice.

 

[sazc]

Nope

yea well, I have come to understand that the DJ's on here are widely varied in how extreme they take their DJ-ism. Some preach no emotional connectivity and some are looking for exactly that and use their DJ knowledge to slowly weed thru the chicks along their way. @narcissist obvs cares for his chick, and can see his holding back is causing issues and wants to move thru the anxiety he is having surrounding his past GF situation. IMO the only way to do that is to start talking about it to take the power out of it.

This does not mean he has to do anything other than utilize his current GF as a vehicle to help start the healing that will cleanse himself of the past.

@LARaiders85 Besides your ever-so-helpful 'nope', what do you suggest he do?

 

[Roober]

It is hard man. Our past experiences can ruin our current relationships, as my recent breakup is evidence of that. We need to identify these problems (which you have done) and figure out ways to work together with that special someone to move forward. It is much easier said than done.

After coming here, I am seeing that truly living the DJ way will result in painless relationships. You will identify was is not right for you and break up, she won't want to cheat on you because you are a real man (most likely), and she will satisfy your every need. Then, you guys will flourish...

Maybe your distance is a subconscious doubt about her ability to be your mate? ARe you buying your relationship or building it?

 

[BeTheChange]

Quite a few solid posts on this thread but for the love of God do not listen to sazc's posts and regurgitate your feelings on to your new gf....If you're going to talk about it do so here or with your close friends...sh*t like this is the reason why female posters get (rightly) accused of living in fantasy land.

Deal with these issues in the way others have said and move forward as a better man.

 

[El Payaso]

Don't talk about these things to your girlfriend. Don't even mention them. As much as women tell you to "open up to them" and express your "feelings", you will only look like an emotional beta loser to her.

You will also give her ammunition on how to hurt you. She will know exactly what makes you tick and how to use it to make you submit to her. The person that likes you today can easily be the person that despises you tomorrow.

If you feel the need to get things off your chest, either vent here or write it in a journal on your computer or something.

Getting things off your chest does help but not telling it to the woman you're dating.

 

[narcissist]

First and foremost, I love you guys. We truly are all trying to help each other on this site and I highly respect you guys for taking the time out to help me feel this issue out. I think it is a mistake to go around life thinking that we never have any deep problems within us, and that there is nothing to fix. I know for sure I have some deep rooted issues, and what we have been talking about is a perfect example of this. It is, in my impression, really beneficial to identify deep rooted issues, identify the source of these deep rooted issues, and come up with solutions for how to move past them, and live a light-hearted life. The worst thing I think we can do as men is ignore our deep rooted issues, and pretend or deceive ourselves in to thinking that everything is fine, under the guise of being a boss. Real bosses work on themselves, especially the issues that taint our actions in everyday life.

Here is what I have gathered after reading all your advice and thinking about the problem myself. Also, just as a caveat, I hate the terms alpha/beta, but they serve a categorical purpose, so it'll just be easier if I use the terms here.

1. I am currently being a beta/chump because my actions are rooted in fear
Insofar as I am allowing my deep fears and insecurities dictate my actions. Even though, from the perspective of another person looking in, I may be seen as an alpha in my new relationship, because I am not acting in any traditionally beta ways (i'm not acting needy, I am not allowing her to disrespect me, I am pursuing all my goals etc.) ; still however, I am not being an alpha, because my actions of non-beta are coming from a position of the fearfulness of unloyalty. So i am being incongruent, and i can feel it. I do things that might seem alpha, but it is not something that I would do. Such as I take negging too far. Or I overtly talk about other girls, or make her see me texting other girls, or I will go ghost for like a week, or lie about what I do for the day to make myself seem busy etc just because I want her to know that If it ends I'll be good, or that the relationship doesn't have an emotional hold on me, or that I am making her feel less than she actually is. This is not a good way to be in a relationship. It is utterly unhealthy. Its fvcking pathetic So clearly I am using the strategies on this site in an unhealthy way. I am using them to defend and protect myself against being hurt. This is what I think I should be aiming for: I should be aiming to live a life where if circumstances actually do go awry then I am strong enough internally to handle it in a healthy way. I should also not being using the strategies to lower her status, but simply to higher my status by becoming a better stronger and more secure man. The strategies on this website are not to protect myself and my ego, but rather they are meant to allow me to transcend my ego and actually become a person of worth, not a person that feigns worth to protect himself. That is the epitome of fear and insecurity.

Solution: Recognize where is came from: Which I have already done. It has definitely came from my first relationship and how she cheated on me twice. She shattered all my expectations. Which can either be a good or bad thing. good: Allows you to realize that having unrealistic expectations in a relationship such as "it will last forever," or "this girl is innocent and will never cheat on me" is unhealthy. Bad: makes you behave in ways that assumes and presupposes that the opposite of the unrealistic expectations WILL HAPPEN. THEY ARE ALSO UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. like "she will 100% cheat on me" "she is a slut, and will probably suck a bunch of d1cks" etc. I have to find the healthy balance of expectations likes "she perhaps could cheat on me, and its a possibility" "this probably wont last forever, but it could last a while, and be a good relationship"


2. You can be an alpha and be 100% committed to a relationship and love a girl.
Currently, this is the thing I need to grasp. I am under the impression that to be a strong man in a relationship you have to constantly let her know that you are a boss and that she is nothing really that significant in my life. That is fvcking bullsh1t and narcissistic. That is NOT how a boss acts. That is NOT how to be an alpha strong man. Strong secure men give value to other because they have so much value in themselves to give. Alpha men don't need to suck value from other people. This is what I need help on the most, and this is what I need to help myself on the most. I need to become a strong man. I need to accept that I have deep rooted insecurities and that they are affecting my actions in a negative way. This is the only way to become a strong secure man that GIVES VALUE TO PEOPLE. A strong man can love a woman because he is not scared and fearful of the outcome. Love CANNOT come from insecurity. It can only come from inner STRENGTH and security. This is why the only people that can truly love are strong secure men.

Solution: the only way for me to become a strong man is to recognize my deep rooted issues accept them, and push forward, and realize when I am acting out of insecurity and fear. A journal should do the trick I feel.

3. Being in a relationship there is always the chance of being cheated on.
Being in a relationship, there will ALWAYS be the chance of cheating. This is something I ultimately cannot control. Cheating is circumstantial, and even if I am the strongest, most secure man, who is a boss, there is always the possibility that she might cheat. My girlfriend right now, loves me, and I have been projecting my fears and insecurities onto her, which has made me perceive her as being more likely to cheat. HOWEVER, A relationship will not be healthy and beneficial and ultimately a good thing, if the relationship has its grounding in the insecurity and fear of infidelity/cheating. It should not be something that I constantly think about and allow to dictate my actions. The proper response to cheating is this: when it happens, and only when it happens, this is when you respond to it, by nexting the girl. I have been doing the opposite. I have been presupposing infidelity (assuming that she will cheat) and basing my actions upon that. Its a pre-emptive defense. This is not the proper response. I should give her the trust. The trust is only lost when she ACTUALLY DOES CHEAT. Its like i pre-emptively took away my trust for her because I assume she will inevitably cheat on me. That is fvcked, unhealthy, and absolutely destructive.


concerning talking to my girlfriend about this: I will probably not talk to her in depth about it. I have already kind of fvcked up and told her that I want to tell her something about my ex next time i see her. She responded perfectly fine. I also have a lot of exams coming up so I told her "I have to turn off my phone, and focus on school right now. So, I wont be in contact with you for 4-5 days. I know you'll understand because you know how important it is for me to achieve my goals. I love you. Talk soon." So when I see her Im probably going to say something like (only if she brings it up):

"Nothing too serious, but I have decided to delete my ex from from all social media. It is a matter of self-respect. I refuse to have anyone in my life that hurts me or significantly disrespects me. I will never talk to her again, nor do I want to talk about her again. So let's never bring her up please."

And then stop talking about it all together. I know she might want to drag me into a conversation about it, but I will refuse to go into depth. I am good at this, and she respects my wishes.

 

[Alvafe]

I think it is pretty naive of you to think that others cant have a negative impact on you in any significant way.

its naive to belive people will have anything on you if you don't care about then

understand, you cant control anything save for yourself, and its only important if you let it be important, a ex GF cheat on you? ok it normal happens, you ended it and move on, would be worse if you was still with her.


you never should mention your own problems to her unless she can fix it, its something in your head and no one can fix it for you, only you, woman like to think they men are secure and strong, failing to do so will not help you in the long way

 

[sazc]

Bravo! That is a well thought out post. Intelligent, so relavant and informative, probably more than you even know.

I think the manner in which you plan on chatting with current about ex is perfect. I also think you can gauge where her head is at, concerning your fears, just by having casual conversation and asking questions. I like to check out postsecret.com with my significant other every sunday. There's a lot of topics that people mail in on postcards and they can spurn a lot of "what do you think about that?" and "what is your take on that?" conversations. I've been thinking of getting the post secret book.

 

[narcissist]

Bravo! That is a well thought out post. Intelligent, so relavant and informative, probably more than you even know.

I think the manner in which you plan on chatting with current about ex is perfect. I also think you can gauge where her head is at, concerning your fears, just by having casual conversation and asking questions. I like to check out postsecret.com with my significant other every sunday. There's a lot of topics that people mail in on postcards and they can spurn a lot of "what do you think about that?" and "what is your take on that?" conversations. I've been thinking of getting the post secret book.

Thank you. I try to get at the bottom of what is ultimately affecting me in a negative way. I may not have touched upon every possible issue within me regarding my unhealthy actions in my relationship. But I do think this is a great start.

I will check out post secret. In what way do you think you his will benefit my relationship?

I too think that the way I have outlined is the best way for me to tell me girlfriend. It comes from a strong position and not from insecurity. And ultimately this is what I have been getting at. I should be attempting to act in a way that comes from a strong position and does not derive from insecurity.