Borderline Personality Disorder woman

[RxDoom]

Hi there, I'm a woman with BPD. I'm currently on medication and maaajor self help/DBT. I came across this website because I was trying to get an understanding of what my behaviours look like from another perspective. I found some threads on here, some are like 10 years old but the symptoms are timeless.
I found this is the best insight I've ever had into the hurt caused by women/men like me on others... and it really made me feel sick. I'm in a relationship with a sort of alpha/beta mixture of a man. I do express the jealousy, esteem issues, intense rage, not suicidal, no cheating, no physical abuse to myself or others in a long time (self burning for the final time 4 years ago). Obviously I know a lot of people out there have been hurt by someone like me. I don't want a string of abuse, I'd prefer it if you asked me questions or whatever, in a civil way I want to use this website as a tool to stop myself pushing my other half away, I genuinely care about him and don't want to hurt him OR be left by him (obviously). Any tips on how to not be a complete fking psycho btch without being a doormat?

 

[Julian]

stick with your therapy/prescrips


i just left my bpd gf a couple months ago. i know i didnt act perfect and if i could go back i would be different. my main point of advice to you is dont be a slut

edit- gave this a bit more thought.


it says alot that you, as a female..with BPD..is coming on here to get advice to not be a crazy psycho bish. you already know the bad things you do, so just dont do them. its not that complicated. does your BF like it when you drink alcohol? if the answer is NO, then you dont drink alcohol. etc etc. my gf always asked me to literally write out the things i wanted and expected from her. i never did because i thought it was a waste of time. maybe if i did she would have acted better? women need that guidance especially BPD. you cant be beta with a BPD girl, have to be 110% alpha. cant be phased by a bpd females emotionals.


your best bet is to just send your BF to these forums and we will school him too.

 

[Asmodeus]

Hi there, I'm a woman with BPD. I'm currently on medication and maaajor self help/DBT. I came across this website because I was trying to get an understanding of what my behaviours look like from another perspective. I found some threads on here, some are like 10 years old but the symptoms are timeless.
I found this is the best insight I've ever had into the hurt caused by women/men like me on others... and it really made me feel sick. I'm in a relationship with a sort of alpha/beta mixture of a man. I do express the jealousy, esteem issues, intense rage, not suicidal, no cheating, no physical abuse to myself or others in a long time (self burning for the final time 4 years ago). Obviously I know a lot of people out there have been hurt by someone like me. I don't want a string of abuse, I'd prefer it if you asked me questions or whatever, in a civil way I want to use this website as a tool to stop myself pushing my other half away, I genuinely care about him and don't want to hurt him OR be left by him (obviously). Any tips on how to not be a complete fking psycho btch without being a doormat?

You do not sound much like a Cluster B. You are very self-aware, you take responsibility. This is EXTREMELY rare.. What got you to this realization of yourself? I rarely find other Cluster B with such awareness and understanding... You have peaked my curiosity. Do understand, you are such a rare case that I am approaching you with scrutiny, I know a lot about Cluster B disorders and I actually understand it.

If you are what you say then you look like a mirror of me in some ways... I tried to understand my own self and introspect by analysis of the experiences of others who experienced me or others who are said to be like me. You are welcome to look across my profile, and if you wish I can give you other information (I have nothing to hide here)...

There was one who tried to withstand me... She was very brave, and she loved me... Despite her best efforts, she only saw her dreams get crushed and grinded more and more every day as the realization that I would never change began to sink into her psyche. That being said... Let this be a warning. You cannot escape yourself completely. There is no cure for what you have, you may be able to change the way you behave but you will never control the way you feel.

Your question is a bit too general and vague I am not sure how to begin answering it...

 

[RxDoom]

stick with your therapy/prescrips


i just left my bpd gf a couple months ago. i know i didnt act perfect and if i could go back i would be different. my main point of advice to you is dont be a slut

edit- gave this a bit more thought.


it says alot that you, as a female..with BPD..is coming on here to get advice to not be a crazy psycho bish. you already know the bad things you do, so just dont do them. its not that complicated. does your BF like it when you drink alcohol? if the answer is NO, then you dont drink alcohol. etc etc. my gf always asked me to literally write out the things i wanted and expected from her. i never did because i thought it was a waste of time. maybe if i did she would have acted better? women need that guidance especially BPD. you cant be beta with a BPD girl, have to be 110% alpha. cant be phased by a bpd females emotionals.


your best bet is to just send your BF to these forums and we will school him too.

Ty for your reply. I went through a slut phase from about 18 to 20 and then I started trying out relationships. They've been extremely intense, turbulent, verbally abusive more than physically but some violence from both sides. We drink alcohol together so that isn't a problem. It sounds to me like your bpd ex was really telling you what she needed, sometimes we have to be walked through a normal human emotion or behaviour step-by-step! I've seen people on this website describe us as children in the body of an adult. SO FKING TRUE. Even though I don't like to admit that

 

[RxDoom]

You do not sound much like a Cluster B. You are very self-aware, you take responsibility. This is EXTREMELY rare.. What got you to this realization of yourself? I rarely find other Cluster B with such awareness and understanding... You have peaked my curiosity. Do understand, you are such a rare case that I am approaching you with scrutiny, I know a lot about Cluster B disorders and I actually understand it.

If you are what you say then you look like a mirror of me in some ways... I tried to understand my own self and introspect by analysis of the experiences of others who experienced me or others who are said to be like me. You are welcome to look across my profile, and if you wish I can give you other information (I have nothing to hide here)...

There was one who tried to withstand me... She was very brave, and she loved me... Despite her best efforts, she only saw her dreams get crushed and grinded more and more every day as the realization that I would never change began to sink into her psyche. That being said... Let this be a warning. You cannot escape yourself completely. There is no cure for what you have, you may be able to change the way you behave but you will never control the way you feel.

Your question is a bit too general and vague I am not sure how to begin answering it...

Are you a BPD man?
I came to this realisation one night when my insomnia was particularly bad and I just started googling my various physical diagnoses and I googled my bpd and it said "bpd girlfriend ruined my life" and I thought okay... I actually sat up, took a deep breath because I knew I was gonna be deeply triggered... I knew I was gonna project the image of my boyfriend onto every man on here and the BPD BTCH was gonna be my image. I just meditated a sec and thought these dudes are not talking about me as a person..... as I kept reading I had to actually think if some of you were my exes LOL because the way some guys described their exes was sickening... because it mirrored me. I had to see my worst fears realised.

Some people did get it wrong. I am a HIGH empath, so I feel immense guilt about the things I say and I feel horribly embarrassed about my intense and sometimes blackout anger. While I am in that zone, it's like a compulsion or like Tourette's, I HAVE TO SAY ALL THE THINGS. My other half may have said something a week ago, but it bothers me NOW. And I NEED him to feel the pain I felt when he said the thing a week ago, even though it was just a passing comment for him.... to me it is a BETRAYAL, an EVIL PLOY to destroy my self esteem. So I will just go in as hard as I can, I'll use the most foul, almost homicidal threats, I'll say things I don't even mean or understand... once I start it's like I'm talking 50 words a second, I can't slow it down because I'm in the eye of the storm and I'm totally fked up with anger. Not just about him but my whole entire life will be his fault.

Reading that back, I think wtf are you talking about, go get help... lol. But in that moment it's just so intense and so "loud" inside my head, I can feel like a huge weight inside my chest... my boyfriend is 20stone and 6foot tall and I've made him cry with 1 sentence. I think about that and want to cry myself to sleep from the guilt. I don't understand it. Also, that conversation is me ON medication and in therapy. I don't even want to talk about the things I did when I wasn't, to my ex.

 

[fastlife]

I've known a BPD girl for several years who has seemed to have effectively healed herself through a combination of meditation, sobriety, and probably genius-level IQ--so I do think it's possible. And I was a sort of Cluster B grab bag up until my own run in with my BPDex pretty much shattered my ego and forced me to confront some very deep-rooted childhood trauma.

How much meditation do you do? I think most Cluster B's have moments of extreme insight and introspection--but these insights are extremely painful and threatening and it's a lot easier to slip back into disregulation and/or addiction/escapism/self-harm. Even now, if I slip up on meditating I'll find myself returning to old patterns of seeking validation and feeling victimized, etc.

Word of warning though, your BF has his own set of emotional issues, which is why y'all have 'chemistry.' If he was emotionally healthy, he would've never gotten involved with you in the first place (no offense to you or him--just the way things are and I say this as a guy whose been involved with several (most likely) Cluster B women). Once you go down the journey of self-healing and genuinely change those parts of yourself, you might find that you're no longer bound to him by shared pain and dysfunction. You have to be willing to effect those changes for yourself--if you're just doing it to save the relationship, it probably won't get you the results you're looking for.

 

[RxDoom]

You do not sound much like a Cluster B. You are very self-aware, you take responsibility. This is EXTREMELY rare.. What got you to this realization of yourself? I rarely find other Cluster B with such awareness and understanding... You have peaked my curiosity. Do understand, you are such a rare case that I am approaching you with scrutiny, I know a lot about Cluster B disorders and I actually understand it.

If you are what you say then you look like a mirror of me in some ways... I tried to understand my own self and introspect by analysis of the experiences of others who experienced me or others who are said to be like me. You are welcome to look across my profile, and if you wish I can give you other information (I have nothing to hide here)...

There was one who tried to withstand me... She was very brave, and she loved me... Despite her best efforts, she only saw her dreams get crushed and grinded more and more every day as the realization that I would never change began to sink into her psyche. That being said... Let this be a warning. You cannot escape yourself completely. There is no cure for what you have, you may be able to change the way you behave but you will never control the way you feel.

Your question is a bit too general and vague I am not sure how to begin answering it...

I got lost and forgot to talk about my question.
When my other half triggers me, for example....
He told me he once slept with a 50 year old woman. A few years ago. We didn't know each other. I said out in BPD BTCH mode "I bet her pssy was like throwing a sausage into a football stadium" and he came back with a totally stupid "actually it was tight" and I went OFF. IMMEDIATELY. Every single day for about a month I brought it up, he'd say "do you want a vodka?" And I would say in a sarcastic voice "why don't you get me a brandy, isn't that what your old tight pssy btch likes to get wasted on so she can screw young men?" ...... WHA!? ...... and I would just throw these ridiculous comments out there at any time. I recently stopped because I realised it was pointless since he wasn't reacting anymore (hard admission) and so I gave up.
A few days ago we were sitting watching a music video and this girl was on the screen so I said "skank" ... but she was a skank, it was the whole point of the video. Anyway, this woman walked in, beautiful, nice makeup, gorgeous dress etc, slender, tall... and I said "now THAT is some class" with a smile on my face. (I am also slim and tall and I was kinda looking for a compliment lol) and he said "older women tend to pull the classy look off a lot better."
It is amazing to me that he still had skin on his face and I didn't wear his fkin pelvis as a hat. Lol. So I went crazy and I only brought that stupid comment up last night.
It circles around in my head still but I'm really working on it.
He got really mad for the first time last night, gritting his teeth actually, red in the face and he said "will you shut the **** up, I want you, I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known and you're the one I want, you're the one I'm with, you made me realise how much of a pathetic man I was with my ex girlfriends and I won't be like that any more. You've made me see lots of things"
And I leant over and have him a hug and a kiss and I told him to stop ranting and "don't be like me" and we had a nice night, tired after all the ranting and went to sleep. Had some nice talks today. So I'm kinda making progress, I didn't enjoy the drama of him shouting back, and I backed off

 

[RxDoom]

Honestly just leave men alone. I've never dated a bdp before but seems like they cause society damage by existing.

I think human beings cause everything damage by existing but we do unfortunately

 

[Asmodeus]

Are you a BPD man?
I came to this realisation one night when my insomnia was particularly bad and I just started googling my various physical diagnoses and I googled my bpd and it said "bpd girlfriend ruined my life" and I thought okay... I actually sat up, took a deep breath because I knew I was gonna be deeply triggered... I knew I was gonna project the image of my boyfriend onto every man on here and the BPD BTCH was gonna be my image. I just meditated a sec and thought these dudes are not talking about me as a person..... as I kept reading I had to actually think if some of you were my exes LOL because the way some guys described their exes was sickening... because it mirrored me. I had to see my worst fears realised.

Some people did get it wrong. I am a HIGH empath, so I feel immense guilt about the things I say and I feel horribly embarrassed about my intense and sometimes blackout anger. While I am in that zone, it's like a compulsion or like Tourette's, I HAVE TO SAY ALL THE THINGS. My other half may have said something a week ago, but it bothers me NOW. And I NEED him to feel the pain I felt when he said the thing a week ago, even though it was just a passing comment for him.... to me it is a BETRAYAL, an EVIL PLOY to destroy my self esteem. So I will just go in as hard as I can, I'll use the most foul, almost homicidal threats, I'll say things I don't even mean or understand... once I start it's like I'm talking 50 words a second, I can't slow it down because I'm in the eye of the storm and I'm totally fked up with anger. Not just about him but my whole entire life will be his fault.

Reading that back, I think wtf are you talking about, go get help... lol. But in that moment it's just so intense and so "loud" inside my head, I can feel like a huge weight inside my chest... my boyfriend is 20stone and 6foot tall and I've made him cry with 1 sentence. I think about that and want to cry myself to sleep from the guilt. I don't understand it. Also, that conversation is me ON medication and in therapy. I don't even want to talk about the things I did when I wasn't, to my ex.

No... Not BPD, although my condition and yours are thought to be derived from a similar underlying etiology and are thusly defined under the same cluster of personality disorders. ASPD... diagnosed at 21 at BGBH I will leave out the details of what brought me there that information is not important for you or anyone here. If you know enough about my condition, you would likely know
Also all personality disorders exist on a spectrum... You exist as a fascinating and rather unique specimen... The fact that you were able to attain a such a degree of self-awareness is incredible.

I do believe you now... What you say correlates to most things I have seen. Because you see everything against you, everything is internalized. That things exist as almost an evil poly against you. Very hallmark.

cause society damage by existing.

I figure you would say the same about me then... Perhaps it would be best for her to leave men alone, I stay away from long term relationships. But to say that it is people who are psychologically ill who cause damage by existing is short sighted. You go ahead and think that you normal people are somehow above it all. I see many so called normal people who do their fair share of damage, at least most people with psychiatric illness have an excuse in that they have trouble controlling it... What excuse do you have?

 

[RxDoom]

No... Not BPD, although my condition and yours are thought to be derived from a similar underlying etiology and are thusly defined under the same cluster of personality disorders. ASPD... diagnosed at 21 at BGBH I will leave out the details of what brought me there that information is not important for you or anyone here. If you know enough about my condition, you would likely know
Also all personality disorders exist on a spectrum... You exist as a fascinating and rather unique specimen... The fact that you were able to attain a such a degree of self-awareness is incredible.

I do believe you now... What you say correlates to most things I have seen. Because you see everything against you, everything is internalized. That things exist as almost an evil poly against you. Very hallmark.



I figure you would say the same about me then... Perhaps it would be best for her to leave men alone, I stay away from long term relationships. But to say that it is people who are psychologically ill who cause damage by existing is short sighted. You go ahead and think that you normal people are somehow above it all. I see many so called normal people who do their fair share of damage, at least most people with psychiatric illness have an excuse in that they have trouble controlling it... What excuse do you have?

It probably would be best if I left them alone but it would probably be best if I left everyone alone, but that wouldn't be good and I'd probably be certifiably insane in a week. I like mixing with people, if I don't I feel like a caged animal and start to think weird.

 

[RxDoom]

It can't be cured. it causes damage to people's lives.

When did I ask for a cure? I asked for tips from people who might be able to help me enjoy my life more. I want to think more rationally and not be so reactive. This forum gives a different perspective than a textbook or a medical professional.

 

[RxDoom]

No... Not BPD, although my condition and yours are thought to be derived from a similar underlying etiology and are thusly defined under the same cluster of personality disorders. ASPD... diagnosed at 21 at BGBH I will leave out the details of what brought me there that information is not important for you or anyone here. If you know enough about my condition, you would likely know
Also all personality disorders exist on a spectrum... You exist as a fascinating and rather unique specimen... The fact that you were able to attain a such a degree of self-awareness is incredible.

I do believe you now... What you say correlates to most things I have seen. Because you see everything against you, everything is internalized. That things exist as almost an evil poly against you. Very hallmark.



I figure you would say the same about me then... Perhaps it would be best for her to leave men alone, I stay away from long term relationships. But to say that it is people who are psychologically ill who cause damage by existing is short sighted. You go ahead and think that you normal people are somehow above it all. I see many so called normal people who do their fair share of damage, at least most people with psychiatric illness have an excuse in that they have trouble controlling it... What excuse do you have?

Also ASPD, that is a big one. I've never known (that I know of) anyone with that before. I hope you get what you need too, man

 

[Asmodeus]

I got lost and forgot to talk about my question.
When my other half triggers me, for example....
He told me he once slept with a 50 year old woman. A few years ago. We didn't know each other. I said out in BPD BTCH mode "I bet her pssy was like throwing a sausage into a football stadium" and he came back with a totally stupid "actually it was tight" and I went OFF. IMMEDIATELY. Every single day for about a month I brought it up, he'd say "do you want a vodka?" And I would say in a sarcastic voice "why don't you get me a brandy, isn't that what your old tight pssy btch likes to get wasted on so she can screw young men?" ...... WHA!? ...... and I would just throw these ridiculous comments out there at any time. I recently stopped because I realised it was pointless since he wasn't reacting anymore (hard admission) and so I gave up.
A few days ago we were sitting watching a music video and this girl was on the screen so I said "skank" ... but she was a skank, it was the whole point of the video. Anyway, this woman walked in, beautiful, nice makeup, gorgeous dress etc, slender, tall... and I said "now THAT is some class" with a smile on my face. (I am also slim and tall and I was kinda looking for a compliment lol) and he said "older women tend to pull the classy look off a lot better."
It is amazing to me that he still had skin on his face and I didn't wear his fkin pelvis as a hat. Lol. So I went crazy and I only brought that stupid comment up last night.
It circles around in my head still but I'm really working on it.
He got really mad for the first time last night, gritting his teeth actually, red in the face and he said "will you shut the **** up, I want you, I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known and you're the one I want, you're the one I'm with, you made me realise how much of a pathetic man I was with my ex girlfriends and I won't be like that any more. You've made me see lots of things"
And I leant over and have him a hug and a kiss and I told him to stop ranting and "don't be like me" and we had a nice night, tired after all the ranting and went to sleep. Had some nice talks today. So I'm kinda making progress, I didn't enjoy the drama of him shouting back, and I backed off

You did tell your boyfriend, he is aware of your condition?
You should make him fully aware of your feelings, and yoru personality disorder. Try to have him understand. He will likely not fully understand but try to make him know that sometimes you will slip and the entity inside you will be released. Let him understand that you can devalue, educate him on this. Maybe he can even be a useful support if he understands you. You need to let him know that you are abnormal so that he can accept that about you, and recognize when you fly off the handle and know how to deal with it.

 

[xstang77]

I want to say some things but I'm still kinda unsettled from my experience and don't know if I can say them correctly.

 

[RxDoom]

I want to say some things but I'm still kinda unsettled from my experience and don't know if I can say them correctly.

Well I don't know your experience but all I have to say is if you had a BPD ex or parent or whatever, I'm not THEM as an individual, I'm asking for help I'm not asking for people to show me their open wounds. I'm not about that life.

 

[RxDoom]

You did tell your boyfriend, he is aware of your condition?
You should make him fully aware of your feelings, and yoru personality disorder. Try to have him understand. He will likely not fully understand but try to make him know that sometimes you will slip and the entity inside you will be released. Let him understand that you can devalue, educate him on this. Maybe he can even be a useful support if he understands you. You need to let him know that you are abnormal so that he can accept that about you, and recognize when you fly off the handle and know how to deal with it.

I told him once when I was having a bad day. I just explained really basic things. Then I sent him a video of a psychologist explaining a little bit deeper. I told him about Marilyn Monroe and how she may have had it (I've read all the books about her and watched her closely I really believe she did) and I said that I'm not a schizophrenic, I only have one personality but my personality is having an identity crisis all the time (tried to make it like BPD for dummies with humour)

 

[RxDoom]

You did tell your boyfriend, he is aware of your condition?
You should make him fully aware of your feelings, and yoru personality disorder. Try to have him understand. He will likely not fully understand but try to make him know that sometimes you will slip and the entity inside you will be released. Let him understand that you can devalue, educate him on this. Maybe he can even be a useful support if he understands you. You need to let him know that you are abnormal so that he can accept that about you, and recognize when you fly off the handle and know how to deal with it.

I haven't devalued him yet. But I have told him what I was like with my ex (who he knows as an acquaintance) and I said that sometimes I'd adore him and literally skip to his house (do you know how happy a mentally ill person has to be to skip somewhere? that's some psycho btch behaviour right there lmao) and then I'd be having a nice time. And I'd be reminded of something he did 3 years ago and just wanna burn his **** off. It got ridiculous. I once karate chopped him in the forehead for closing the curtains. I had a thing about certain sounds.

 

[xstang77]

Your last line reminded me of something my ex would say....where are you from lol. Tip wise from my experience most bpd know when there doing wrong,they just don't care,my advice is don't put yourself into commitment for anything long term like pets,people etc. and work on fighting that urge you get to self destruct relations you have with people.

 

[Asmodeus]

I told him once when I was having a bad day. I just explained really basic things. Then I sent him a video of a psychologist explaining a little bit deeper. I told him about Marilyn Monroe and how she may have had it (I've read all the books about her and watched her closely I really believe she did) and I said that I'm not a schizophrenic, I only have one personality but my personality is having an identity crisis all the time (tried to make it like BPD for dummies with humour)

You need to tell him EVERYTHING.
Do not beat around the bush. Tell him. Help him realize exactly about it with as much clarity and honesty as possible.

I know people with cluster B rarely ever tell people they care about of their condition. I know why you do not want to tell him, you are afraid... I wear guises not simply out of manipulation anymore but because I know that if people knew me who I was and what I truly thought that I would be an exile, a pariah. I understand this... But you must do it. If you truly care for him and he loves you there must be no illusions...

 

[RxDoom]

You need to tell him EVERYTHING.
Do not beat around the bush. Tell him. Help him realize exactly about it with as much clarity and honesty as possible.

I know people with cluster B rarely ever tell people they care about of their condition. I know why you do not want to tell him, you are afraid... I wear guises not simply out of manipulation anymore but because I know that if people knew me who I was and what I truly thought that I would be an exile, a pariah. I understand this... But you must do it. If you truly care for him and he loves you there must be no illusions...

I'm scared. I believe people are innately untrustworthy. I used to scream-rant at my ex for hours, sometimes from the moment I woke up to the moment I knocked myself out at night, I would follow him around the streets with no shoes on, my eyebrows shaved off with my hair sticking up all awry, in a bath robe, in the middle of the day, crying screaming and ranting. After these rants stopped (they.could just stop in one second like nothing had happened) and I would make him promise, beg and plead for him to swear to me that he'd never speak about my issues to people, if he truly cares at all. Tell them about my bad habits or that I'm a dckhead, just don't go into it.
The week we broke up he told everyone and I quote that I was a "fruit loop" a "lunatic" etc. I trust my current boyfriend not to cheat, he went on an all male holiday to Ibiza for a week and I was alright (meds went up though) but I don't trust him with this deeply painful subject