The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

@Asmodeus

Been perusing the BPD recovery forums on various websites and it seems a lot of guys and girls seem to really struggle for a while with dealing with BPD recovery. But I'm less than three weeks out and for the most part...I'm OK. What's with this? Or is the worst yet to come?

Obviously I still miss her in parts but it's more the way you would miss any former ex - friendship, someone to talk to, the sex, etc. When I look back at when she'd paint me black that definitely took an emotional toll at the time, certainly for a day or two, but it was almost always in response to something I'd done (cheating, kicking her out, getting physical, etc) so I chalked it down to female scorn and a necessary part of the consequences of my lifestyle choices so I just got on with things. Now I'm seeing that perhaps her good behaviour was more to do with the fact I never really gave all of myself to her emotionally, even after three years - the thrill of the chase?

 

[Asmodeus]

Been perusing the BPD recovery forums on various websites and it seems a lot of guys and girls seem to really struggle for a while with dealing with BPD recovery. But I'm less than three weeks out and for the most part...I'm OK. What's with this? Or is the worst yet to come?

If you feel ok than perhaps you are just healing. That should be good... She may be cluster B, at least to some degree. It all is on a spectrum, some people are full blown some people have more subtle traits In all honesty you and her sound like you had a mutually pathologic relationship. But do not feel guilt, just understand that going NC is the best choice for the two of you to heal and for you both to have the best chance to prosper.

Yes, many people struggle from relationships from Cluster B personalities. I am not limiting this to just BPD as ASPD (just scour the Psychopath free forums and many of them show the same confusion you do) and even HPD. I am on a number of psychology related forums, it seems that there are MORE people who come to these seeking help after a relationship or encounter with Cluster B than there are people who actually have cluster B (most refuse to admit it as they always shuffle off the responsibility and often see themselves through their narcissistic vantage point that they are perfect). But everyone heals differently... Some people take a long time, some people a short time. The fact that you are doing ok is good. I say that you need to drop the pessimism, look at the bright side. You are free, you are independent, you have learned from it, you have grown better, you now have an opportunity to find something that could be better (like what is happening with Gaysha for instance).

 

[Carpathian]

Slow is the best speed for these kinds of things... The flame which burns the brightest also burns out the quickest.
It is good you are not turning this into some rebound where you go full speed ahead and treat it like as if you never even left a relationship. Those frequently end disastrously (thus why many advise people not to do rebounds).
Your ex leaving you may have been the best thing to happen to you in retrospect... You no longer have to deal with her drama, you found somebody who seems more stable and likable, most importantly you gained knowledge and learned, everything will turn out better.

This is so true and very wise words from Asmodeous. Thankyou brother. I am also seeing a new woman - been with her for five weeks. She's lovely and adores me too. But taking very, very steady and as you say Asmodeous "Flame that burns the brightest burns out the quickest". I like that English phrase, no easy way to turn that into my native Slovak. Seeing her once per week for first three weeks and started to up that to twice per week. Early days but being charming, playful and playing it cool and calm but interested.
I have been on dates with about ten other women before meeting this one. None of them "did it for me" and my ex always in my mind. When I met this one, and been out with for five weeks, slowly starting to put that train wreck ex relationship behind me. Dumping me three times for no reason at all!

 

[xstang77]

Man I wish I could find some dates like you guys around my area,still wicked depressed and have tried dating sites with no luck.

 

[Carpathian]

@Asmodeus

Been perusing the BPD recovery forums on various websites and it seems a lot of guys and girls seem to really struggle for a while with dealing with BPD recovery. But I'm less than three weeks out and for the most part...I'm OK. What's with this? Or is the worst yet to come?

Obviously I still miss her in parts but it's more the way you would miss any former ex - friendship, someone to talk to, the sex, etc. When I look back at when she'd paint me black that definitely took an emotional toll at the time, certainly for a day or two, but it was almost always in response to something I'd done (cheating, kicking her out, getting physical, etc) so I chalked it down to female scorn and a necessary part of the consequences of my lifestyle choices so I just got on with things. Now I'm seeing that perhaps her good behaviour was more to do with the fact I never really gave all of myself to her emotionally, even after three years - the thrill of the chase?

Despite the fact that I think she had an ex orbiting her and "confusing" her, I also think my ex was a Borderline PD cluster B. I discussed her anonymously with some colleagues (I'm a doctor myself) and from her behavior they say she sounds like a classic unmedicated and un-councelled BPD, they also said the way it affected me (just like it has affected you @BeTheChange ) that I also should have had some counseling myself. These people really f*** with your mind. Just utterly unpredictable behavior. Wild sex, telling me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, then dumped a week later. Happened three times she dumped me like that. It just does not make any sense. If I was an a$$hole to her I could understand it but I wasn't - I loved her and cared for her so much, we had great times together and were compatible in so many ways. It really upset me and screwed me up and it gets worse each time it happens. You become more and more "invested" thinking you can sort it out with these BPD people, get them to understand and rationalise the situation. But you can't....

 

[Carpathian]

Man I wish I could find some dates like you guys around my area,still wicked depressed and have tried dating sites with no luck.

You will. Get yourself sorted out, your clothes, your body, get running, get your hair cut, get on Match.com and get out there......

 

[xstang77]

Yea I've done all that,my area kinda sucks to meet people,but I did join match.com last night so hopefully something comes of that.that and the fact that I feel like a prisoner in my own house due to my ex turning my downstairs neighbors against me. Messed up she causes all this havoc then just happily moves on with her life to a new guy,then I hear she's getting a house...yea right her and her steady work habits lol.

 

[Billtx49]

Despite the fact that I think she had an ex orbiting her and "confusing" her, I also think my ex was a Borderline PD cluster B. I discussed her anonymously with some colleagues (I'm a doctor myself) and from her behavior they say she sounds like a classic unmedicated and un-councelled BPD, they also said the way it affected me (just like it has affected you @BeTheChange ) that I also should have had some counseling myself. These people really f*** with your mind. Just utterly unpredictable behavior. Wild sex, telling me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, then dumped a week later. Happened three times she dumped me like that. It just does not make any sense. If I was an a$$hole to her I could understand it but I wasn't - I loved her and cared for her so much, we had great times together and were compatible in so many ways. It really upset me and screwed me up and it gets worse each time it happens. You become more and more "invested" thinking you can sort it out with these BPD people, get them to understand and rationalise the situation. But you can't....

Yes, they actually create white knight syndrome in a man by getting you to try to help them through rationalization, sorting out, or any other type of help they think you can give them due to their unstable behavior.
Problem is as you now know, is that most broken people can not be fixed or repaired without professional help.

 

[xstang77]

For some reason I just keep having guilt issues that everything will be great with her new guy and maybe I was wrong,though I know it's not true and it's just another consequence of her messing with my head.

 

[Billtx49]

For some reason I just keep having guilt issues that everything will be great with her new guy and maybe I was wrong,though I know it's not true and it's just another consequence of her messing with my head.

Some men need counseling to help get through the aftermath of one of these women depending on her depth of the disorder…

 

[BeTheChange]

In Italy. Back at the hotel after a bite to eat. It's late and I'm tired. This is when my thoughts get darkest. Not going to lie. I wouldn't describe today (or any day in the last week really) as rough. I don't have an underlying sadness which permeates through my body but I definitely get pangs of sorrow since this was meant to be "our holiday". It's momentary but it's triggered by little things. For example I walked into the hotel room, which I'm sleeping in alone as my mates had to book a separate hotel, and think "This is nice. She would have really liked it here". Then I force myself to reframe the situation in a positive light and move on.

I know it's a pointless exercise and I try and divert myself away from such thinking when I'm conscious of it but I just hope for a moment where she wakes up and sees this is her fault as well as mine. I know the whole "if only he/she woud fix [x] then everything would be perfect" is quite common post breakup so I don't allow it to bother me too much. Once, after one of my more severe episodes, I asked her why she even stuck around and she said it's because she "loved" me and hoped I would see the bad I'm doing and change.

Well guess what b*tch? I do see it and I am taking positive steps to change. How about you take your own goddamn advice! Wtf are you doing? Playing the victim and refusing to acknowledge the consequences of your own decisions like the good psycho you are.

Anyway you can't save these h*es. I've made a concious decision to wash my hands of her. I forgive myself for what I did to her and for all the negative behaviour that may or may not have contributed to her psychosis.
Her mental health is no longer my concern or responsibility. She either reaches the right conclusion on her own or not at all.

I've banned the lads from discussing my ex and told them to slap me in the face if they catch me doing it. This is my get away. 9 more days of pure chill. Let's enjoy it.

 

[Billtx49]

You are right her personal problems are not yours.

 

[strongninja]

Day 2
I didn't exactly get done what I set in my mind to do, but I made it today. I'm happy that I went jogging, spent time with my family and spoke to some friends. I did wallow in sadness for a ridiculous amount of time.. But maybe this site can help keep me accountable. I need to bring my self esteem up, because my ex made it out that the problems in the relationship were all my fault, when it actually takes two to tango.
My nights are restless as the breakup was a month ago and we were together for more than a year. I didn't contact him today or yesterday. And I plan on taking care of myself a little more tomorrow.

I do want to get back with him, maybe because I still love him and he is my first love. I just..put all my love into him..and it hurts knowing that attractiveness and good intentions aren't enough. Like he wanted a perfect women.

I don't think I'll get him back, but I really want to increase my strength and self-esteem. I was happy before I met him, and I know I can get there in time.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

In Italy. Back at the hotel after a bite to eat. It's late and I'm tired. This is when my thoughts get darkest. Not going to lie. I wouldn't describe today (or any day in the last week really) as rough. I don't have an underlying sadness which permeates through my body but I definitely get pangs of sorrow since this was meant to be "our holiday". It's momentary but it's triggered by little things. For example I walked into the hotel room, which I'm sleeping in alone as my mates had to book a separate hotel, and think "This is nice. She would have really liked it here". Then I force myself to reframe the situation in a positive light and move on.

I know it's a pointless exercise and I try and divert myself away from such thinking when I'm conscious of it but I just hope for a moment where she wakes up and sees this is her fault as well as mine. I know the whole "if only he/she woud fix [x] then everything would be perfect" is quite common post breakup so I don't allow it to bother me too much. Once, after one of my more severe episodes, I asked her why she even stuck around and she said it's because she "loved" me and hoped I would see the bad I'm doing and change.

Well guess what b*tch? I do see it and I am taking positive steps to change. How about you take your own goddamn advice! Wtf are you doing? Playing the victim and refusing to acknowledge the consequences of your own decisions like the good psycho you are.

Anyway you can't save these h*es. I've made a concious decision to wash my hands of her. I forgive myself for what I did to her and for all the negative behaviour that may or may not have contributed to her psychosis.
Her mental health is no longer my concern or responsibility. She either reaches the right conclusion on her own or not at all.

I've banned the lads from discussing my ex and told them to slap me in the face if they catch me doing it. This is my get away. 9 more days of pure chill. Let's enjoy it.

As an independent observer, I have to point out you are doing an awful lot of bargaining for day 51 right now. You're having a full on two-way conversation with yourself in this thread. It's fine to get your thoughts out, but you keep repeating yourself over and over. It seems to all come back to trying to convince yourself you're okay by reminding yourself a hundred times, but always throwing in the caveat "if she reaches out, maybe X,Y,Z will happen." Get it in your head to FORGET ABOUT HER REACHING OUT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FROM EXPERIENCE.

I'm not trying to be a dbag and you can get upset with me, but my last suggestion is to consider that the purpose of this thread isn't neccessarily to post extremely long updates every single day, but to progressively post less and less, and eventually get to a point where being okay means you don't need to use this thread as a crutch every day. Look at me. I occasionally come back here after a lucid dream and vent from frustration, but no more than every 30 days or so. Let's not kid ourselves, you're still very heavily invested in this girl right now.

 

[Carpathian]

Yea I've done all that,my area kinda sucks to meet people,but I did join match.com last night so hopefully something comes of that.that and the fact that I feel like a prisoner in my own house due to my ex turning my downstairs neighbors against me. Messed up she causes all this havoc then just happily moves on with her life to a new guy,then I hear she's getting a house...yea right her and her steady work habits lol.

You have to be patient. I had dates with ten different women - only only one of whom I saw more than once - before I met the lady I am with now.
You have to invest in yourself and continue to do so even after you meet someone new, meeting that person may take a few months. Start to see this as the first day of the rest of your life. This is the new you and you'll be a better man from this point forward.

 

[Carpathian]

As an independent observer, I have to point out you are doing an awful lot of bargaining for day 51 right now. You're having a full on two-way conversation with yourself in this thread. It's fine to get your thoughts out, but you keep repeating yourself over and over. It seems to all come back to trying to convince yourself you're okay by reminding yourself a hundred times, but always throwing in the caveat "if she reaches out, maybe X,Y,Z will happen." Get it in your head to FORGET ABOUT HER REACHING OUT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FROM EXPERIENCE.

I'm not trying to be a dbag and you can get upset with me, but my last suggestion is to consider that the purpose of this thread isn't neccessarily to post extremely long updates every single day, but to progressively post less and less, and eventually get to a point where being okay means you don't need to use this thread as a crutch every day. Look at me. I occasionally come back here after a lucid dream and vent from frustration, but no more than every 30 days or so. Let's not kid ourselves, you're still very heavily invested in this girl right now.

I agree 100%. When you get to the point of forgetting about her reaching out you feel so much better. It takes time though to get there. Also @BlueAlpha1, these BPD types really screw with your mind terribly. Me, @BeTheChange and others have had the great misfortune to encounter these women. They are nasty and controlling and keep you going back for more. I don't know how they do it to us, we are intelligent and well-read men here, but they somehow do....

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I agree 100%. When you get to the point of forgetting about her reaching out you feel so much better. It takes time though to get there. Also @BlueAlpha1, these BPD types really screw with your mind terribly. Me, @BeTheChange and others have had the great misfortune to encounter these women. They are nasty and controlling and keep you going back for more. I don't know how they do it to us, we are intelligent and well-read men here, but they somehow do....

They know what you want and what you need to hear. Dangling carrots. You can't really continue to be seduced by her words, it's the actions that do the talking.

 

[Carpathian]

They know what you want and what you need to hear. Dangling carrots. You can't really continue to be seduced by her words, it's the actions that do the talking.

^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^
Absolutely right. They talk in tones of honey, telling us how sorry they are, how much they love us and how it will be so different when we have worked it all out, that we'll be in a utopia of love, joy, happiness and sex for evermore. IT IS A FANTASY. Yes indeed, actions are what should be observed, not just their cheap and easy words. Man, I learned that lesson the hard way after much heartache and upset.

"Experience, that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, by god, you learn". C.S.Lewis

 

[mrgoodstuff]

^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^
Absolutely right. They talk in tones of honey, telling us how sorry they are, how much they love us and how it will be so different when we have worked it all out, that we'll be in a utopia of love, joy, happiness and sex for evermore. IT IS A FANTASY. Yes indeed, actions are what should be observed, not just their cheap and easy words.

Yeah, they do a lot of lying. Silver tongue devils.

 

[BeTheChange]

As an independent observer, I have to point out you are doing an awful lot of bargaining for day 51 right now. You're having a full on two-way conversation with yourself in this thread. It's fine to get your thoughts out, but you keep repeating yourself over and over. It seems to all come back to trying to convince yourself you're okay by reminding yourself a hundred times, but always throwing in the caveat "if she reaches out, maybe X,Y,Z will happen." Get it in your head to FORGET ABOUT HER REACHING OUT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FROM EXPERIENCE.

I'm not trying to be a dbag and you can get upset with me, but my last suggestion is to consider that the purpose of this thread isn't neccessarily to post extremely long updates every single day, but to progressively post less and less, and eventually get to a point where being okay means you don't need to use this thread as a crutch every day. Look at me. I occasionally come back here after a lucid dream and vent from frustration, but no more than every 30 days or so. Let's not kid ourselves, you're still very heavily invested in this girl right now.

I'm on Day 19 not day 51...must be confusing me with another poster. And as I've said before I'm acknowledging the possibility of her reaching out because this is her pattern. Not preparing for such eventualities would only leave me like a dear in the headlights and risk the possibility of falling back into a toxic relationship like many people in this thread have done. Understand that all attempts for her to reach out at the moment will be ignored. Following through with NC has never been a problem for me in the past. And now I know what I'm dealing with it makes it a thousand times easier.

Without trying to sound like an arrogant douche I think I have a better sense of self value than the majority of people coming out of a BPD relationship. I really am ok. I havent sufferred any loss of self esteem, etc. After the emotional hurdle of the first 2 weeks (which one would experience at the end of any relationship, BDP or otherwise) things have stabilised.

I don't know your entire situation bluealpha, but when giving advice people tend to project their own experiences on to other people. So let me assure you of a few things:

• 60 days NC will NOT be a problem for me. I no longer crave her in the same way. I know my value. These things will keep me centred.
• IF she's come back she will be ignored. Then if I choose to reconnect at a later date it will be on my terms and at s time when she can have minimal impact on my life.There will be a strict set of conditions she would need to adhere to for me to even entertain having her back in my life (regular therapy, acknowledging she does have a problem, minimal contact with me in the first few months)

Shades of grey my friend. We both have pathologies. I am not your typical AFC BPD victim. Most people looking from the outside in would probably put 70% of the blame on me (irrelevant). All I am saying is that by day 60 I will have structured my life in such a way as to ensure that if she does return the impact on my life will be minimal and if she doesn't then life will go on.

I am a thinker. And that's why I write. I deliberately post my thoughts here when I am feeling at my worst because it's cathartic. Perhaps that is giving you a distorted perception of how I am feeling overall. I don't think you appreciate how just knowing about her condition makes it so much easier to detach emotionally.


And I don't mean to be rude but we're not the same brother . You're still posting about her after more than a year right? It's not in my nature to hang on to any connection for that long when they aren't around.