The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[john1234]

I'll repost from another thread but I am on day 44 NC!!

she is a side piece and I am married. I've been way too beta with this one

I like that talk there OP , hang in there

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 15

Woke up thinking about how the ex was possibly messing around even more than I thought. Paranoid thoughts. BAD.

Then instantly turned on my phone and browsed through the multiple messages from chicks, some of whom are hotter than my ex and much better for me on paper. GOOD.

Definitely the best start to the day I've had in terms of mood and optimism. Genuinely excited for the future. Even when the ex treated me poorly I never forgot I was the prize. Of course, it's always nice to be reminded. Onwards.

Overall I feel so much better. More centred, calmer, more confident and more in control of my own life. You don't realise what damage a bad relationship does to your mental state until you leave it. Some days have been difficult in parts but absolutely happy with the decision to go NC. Looking forward to how I'll feel by day 60. To my brothers struggling to keep up with NC - persevere. Trust me. Once you get over the initial hurdle it will be one of the best decisions you ever made.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

One thing I do is write Letters To Myself, where basically I send an email to myself- has to be secure - and let my inner voice coach me or just rant and express my feelings. It's kind of lame but it does help clear out the emotions a bit. Plus I can go back and see how I'm doing over time. Kind of like a journal.

 

[BeTheChange]

A post to bradd's NC thread but in this response I feel as if I am also addressing my weaker self - that side of me that wants to break NC:

Mate, I was emotionally and physically abusive to my ex. Serious stuff that would make you question my sanity. Take whatever you did and multiply it by ten. It does NOT matter. I could come up with a million reasons for why I'm the bad guy and should contact my ex.Go back in this thread and reread some of the comments you made about her. You are glossing over all the horrible things she has done to you, just like I tried to do. You are allowing your guilt to cloud your judgement. Truth is just like me, you are no good to your ex or any other woman at all right now. At least get on the path to dealing with your issues before you break NC. Beyond that there is an even bigger reason why you need to stay resolute: It's obvious you need her. You can't maintain the frame long term like that. She will see through it. Looking at this objectively, you are not handling this well at all. If anything, finishing the sixty day challenge will build the character you need to hold this down long term and reestablish the frame.

You already tried to apologise at least two or three times now and she basically told you to fvck off. Mine reacted the same way when I tried to apologise (prior to NC) except I only tried on one day. She responded by talking to me as if I was a beggar. I implemented NC as soon as I realised her anger was consuming her and there was nothing to be done. I haven't re-engaged and have no intention to. I loved this girl more than my own mother and yet here I am on Day 16. But we are men and we have more red pill knowledge than 99% of the population. Let that be your strength. I can promise you it does get easier. Try again and you are just emasculating yourself. Have some pride. At this stage it does not matter. Your girl was on Match the next day for Christ sake (mine was banging a drug dealer within a week so don't take it personally)

Ask yourself bradd, where the fvck was she for 2 weeks? Do you thinks she cared about your pain when she signed up to match (and who knows what else she did). She waited 2 weeks before she even sent you anything like a friendly message and now you want to crack after 2 days??

Unless she is blowing up your phone, coming to your house and screaming she can't live without you, then you have no business even entertaining a relationship at any point in the future, let alone breaking NC. I can't be the only one here who thinks breaking up and wh*ring around is a massive offence? She direspected you in the worst way possible. At the very least her punishment should be a 2 month embargo from your attention.

Look, I feel your pain. I was with my ex for 3 years, we lived together AND she was virgin so she will never bond to another man like me...do you think throwing that all away is easy?? Do you think risking the loss of such a bond is a walk in the park? No, but I stay resolute because I am thinking long term. I am willing to risk losing her because self respect should not be compromised. Do you actually realise the strength you will develop from KNOWING that you can walk away from a woman you gave your heart to? There is nothing to be gained in the long term from breaking NC and SHOWING that you are a weak pvssy who cannot survive even two months without your substitute mummy! That is all we are asking for here. Finish the goddamn thing and then if you're still interested then go for it. The whole point in NC is that it allows you to get centred and think objectively.

I've made a conscious decision to completely cut off my ex in every area of my life now. Like anyone else during NC, I clung on to the hope that she would come back and whether a month from now or a year, we would eventually reconcile. I believe this does not serve my recovery. She's dead to me now. I am making a committed effort to ensure that I never think about the ext over this NC period again - if a nostalgic thought floats into my mind I will force myself to think of something else. No more of this.

"I have a life. And it only goes one direction. Forward"

 

[Carpathian]

A post to bradd's NC thread but in this response I feel as if I am also addressing my weaker self - that side of me that wants to break NC:



I've made a conscious decision to completely cut off my ex in every area of my life now. Like anyone else during NC, I clung on to the hope that she would come back and whether a month from now or a year, we would eventually reconcile. I believe this does not serve my recovery. She's dead to me now. I am making a committed effort to ensure that I never think about the ext over this NC period again - if a nostalgic thought floats into my mind I will force myself to think of something else. No more of this.

"I have a life. And it only goes one direction. Forward"

I think many of us are guilty of clinging onto the hope of her/him returning and we'd reconcile and fall madly in love again. However, such a notion is counter-productive and keeps you stuck in the past, wallowing in past failures. The bottom line is that if they do return and ask for another chance then you can address the situation at that point. But do not plan your future on such an eventuality; anyone would be foolish waiting around for that to happen since it may never do so. My personal experience with numerous women is that invariably they DO return and ask for you back but not in the timescales that YOU would want. They tend to return when you have in your heart moved on from them and it is completely a call out of the blue from her. She almost has an "emotional detector" wired to you that feeds back to her when you are over her and have moved on. THAT is when she will try and reconnect - almost 100% for certain. But do not hold your breathe - we are talking six months to a year and longer. Just live your life and meet new people, you may not be interested in her any more if she does reach out.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Carpathian

Yes true. If they don't reach out within a month then most likely they have another man taking care of their needs. I have noticed after this point that the six month to a year time frame tends to be quite common. Normally shortly after the rebound relationship comes to an end. Invariably I have almost always moved on completely by this point and have never taken a girl back under this scenario. I am no-one's plan B.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 16

Nothing major to report here. Felt a bit groggy and nostalgic in the morning but quickly let that mood pass. Poured myself into my business during the day and readjusted some figures on our forecasts. Turns out we're doing even better than expected which is great news. A lot to be thankful for. I really am blessed. Financially secure, great family, tight group of friends.

Going to be a lot of ends to tie up and business projects to complete prior to my trip to Italy on Sunday so will be a busy few days. I'm going holiday clothes shopping on Saturday and as an afterthought invited a date - accept I double booked and invited two different women! I've a good idea which one I want to see more. She's an Italian who's a journalist for a prominent media company. Looking forward to some spicy conversation and who knows...maybe I'll even find a decent pair of sunglasses!

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'm on day 47 and I'm not even going to lie - it's tough. Come on 60!!
Then 70 and so on. I like to count and build up streaks and goals so the numbers keep me focused.
Just keep swimming!

 

[BeTheChange]

I know there are likely to be more bumps in the road but just wanted to say I am SO happy I did this. At day 16 NC I feel so liberated. I'll be honest, at this stage I would still take my ex back (eventually) although I accept I may feel differently by day 60. But that is not the point. What I am seeing is that right now most of the time I am genuinely happy being alone and it feels great to be getting back to that person who is content with himself.

On an unrelated note found this to be an interesting post. Mirrors my situation quite heavily. Pain and wrong doing on both sides. Might have been a good relationship if we had both acknowledged our issues and tried to deal with them in a healthier way.

Whoa, buddy, whoa...

First, I missed that bpd was already mentioned. Sorry, I skipped down after missing a page. It has been a while, and the format is different again.

It's shades of gray for my gal and I. We've been through some terrible and traumatic stuff a while back, and it's caused huge damage to our lives. "Pursue" is a strong word: we were married without the contract. She and I are going through grief and recently started to clear up misunderstandings by communicating again. We were both victims, both affected, but of course, in our society...

Well, I'm the Boogeyman, so she's been in denial.

I don't care to get all into how convoluted the mess is. Let's just say that it's not a clear-cut case. Also, personalities are affected by our environment, malleable, and temporary (if you want to change). I've been seeing a psychiatrist and working through PTSD, and my gal and I value each other highly, but were unaware of effects and dysfunction, until a major event blew us apart.

We were both damaged, otherwise, the relationship would be awesome. I (we) already bought the relationship, and it's worth fixing, as neither were aware of underlying issues. You don't just buy a new house if a hail storm trashes your roof, right? She is facing some facts, and accepting some of the "hard to digest" parts, but, I am surely watching the commitment levels on her end. Lot's of stuff needs to be worked through, and she is being accountable, so there is a good chance that she's motivated and committed.

In my case, I've assessed the damages, and it's worth servicing. Brad's deal might be different. One thing is for sure: it's a good time to brush-up my game and be mindful again. You know, spin plates, see what's around, meditate, do my thing. It's heavy-duty drama, but we aren't quite divorced, just separated.

Who knows what's next. *Shrug*

 

[BeTheChange]

Had a chat with a friend tonight. Told him the whole thing. Initially he argued it was my fault. That I had a good thing. A virgin to be molded. I should have been the leader and I abused the responsibility. He's right. Although when I elaborated on some of the things she'd done, the pendulum swung and he admitted we were both to blame but that ultimately it was on me because as a 19 year old virgin (when we met) she had potential which was crushed out of her. And he's right. I did destroy a beautiful thing. If I'd been a more well adjusted guy then perhaps things could have been happily ever after.

But I've long ago understood that regret serves no one. If I am truly sorry, which I am, the best thing is to leave her to her own path in life and work on becoming the kind of man that would never treat a woman like this again. If she comes back then she comes back but regardless, I am on this solitary path to finally conquering my demons.

I WILL become a better man.

I WILL make sure this never happens again.

I WILL treat women with appropriate respect because to abuse them is to disrespect myself in the process

I WILL set the standards of good behaviour in any future relationships rather than promoting a race to the bottom where disrespect becomes common place

I WILL atone for my sins and mistakes, not by writing some convoluted email to my ex, begging for forgiveness or by pedestalising all women but by taking ACTION to be become the better man I know I am capable of being. My therapy begins as soon as I return from Italy. No excuses. The time for change is now.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 17

I've just awoke from a vivid dream. Could this have anything to do with my previous post. Here it is

The dream

It’s late at night

I was trying to [don’t remember]

A female housemate [don't remember who this person is in real life] brings me some food, since she mistakes my activity for attempting to make a midnight snack and she thinks I’m a terrible cook (which I am in real life)

I go back to my bedroom. She’s in the bed. My bed (old double bed I owned months ago). Apparently we share a bed together but it’s platonic. Her on one side me on the other. But she starts to move towards me, rub herself against me, etc (you know how girls do), and after a few minutes, things are getting steamy, then her hair gets trapped in my teeth – lots and lots of it. I try and pull it out. It feels as if it is everywhere. She looks disgusted and tells me to go to the bathroom to sort it out or she’s done with our little debacle.

I go to the bathroom and close the door behind me. I really need the toilet, but can’t control the urge so end up taking a small dump on the floor. For some reason the faeces grows until it is about the size of a football. I look over and find even more faeces in the corner. I panic, find and put on a pair of cleaning gloves, grab a cloth and start to pick up the faeces and throw it into the sink. I turn on the tap and the faeces runs down the drain. I repeat this process until all the faeces is gone and the bathroom is cleaned. Then I wake up.

 

[BeTheChange]

http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

This is THE MOST PERCEPTIVE article I have ever read on my current situation.

I am almost certain that I am NPD and my ex BPD, or at the very least we have significant traits.

I have sought understanding and to acknowledge and confront has brought a calmness to my spirits. Now it finally time to deal with these issues.

I'll be honest. I have never felt more like contacting my ex than I do today, not because I miss her but because I feel like I have made a genuine breakthrough in understanding WHY we had such a tumultuous three years. Don't worry I won't break NC because I'm actually really happy with being on Day 17 and want to finish the challenge and also because I anticipate further understanding and self knowledge while I'm on this journey alone.

 

[BeTheChange]

I can’t say how much of a relief it is to finally have a better understanding of my own condition and that of my ex. I was always led to believe that I contributed heavily to my ex’s current psychological condition and that “if only I’d been a better boyfriend” she would have turned out alright. This is the narrative she fed me and my guilt and shame at my own behaviour allowed me to accept this narrative for far too long. Even so, there was always a seeping cognitive dissonance. A chirping, quiet voice that was telling me this was not the case; that it went deeper than the conclusions being put forward. However, I was reluctant to embrace the other extreme that I was simply an unsuspecting victim of an evil BPD. Now I see the truth is somewhere in the middle and this helps to bridge those two mental schemas.

It allows me to accept and acknowledge that I have some deep and serious underlying issues, which prevented me from maintaining a relationship with a better adjusted woman, while simultaneously blocking me from descending into the self-loathing associated with such a post break up analysis, because ultimately she too had some serious problems. And I am seeing that perhaps the only reason I was able to keep the crazy at bay was because my condition has always prevented me from giving myself fully to another person – she could sense that I was never fully invested and it kept the chase going.

Did she “love” me? Tough to say, especially now I’m better beginning to understand that “love” is a very different concept to BPD women. I am almost certain the NPD/BPD dynamic relates to my predicament with my ex perfectly.

I am at peace. Knowing what the problem was, with myself and the relationship, is half the way to dealing with it and becoming a better person. Does this realisation change anything? Not really. Except that a mental shift has occurred which I had convinced myself had already happened – that now I truly see NC as a means to fixing myself and getting centred – the ex is no longer even secondary. Will she come back? Probably. BPD theory predicts she almost always will at some point and unlike many other victims of BPD I was never “betasised” so the attraction is still there - but that cannot be my concern. The reality is this pattern will continue until I put a stop to it by focusing on myself.

Now, do I think she could change? I hope she could but I am doubtful. The problem is she has very little incentive – smart, young, attractive blonde – she won’t struggle to find another suitor. For her sake, I hope she does, but it’s out of my hands now. I cannot force her to see what she is. Would I consider reaching out after NC? Never.

Would I entertain a relationship after day 60 if she chased? On one condition. That she sees what she is and she takes concrete steps to deal with her issues. And even then I would wait at least a month before responding and would proceed with absolute caution. But at 22 she may have a few years/ decades of crash and burns left before she realises perhaps she too is the problem. Maybe she’ll see it sooner, but I’m not holding my breath.

Some of you might be saying "BeTheChange are you crazy?? Why would you allow someone like this into your life". And to those I say, maybe you're right. However, people say the same thing about those with NPD traits and like any disorder there is a spectrum. I deserve the chance to be happy and so does she. Of course this is all conjecture. All I can really do is live my life and focus on me.

 

[xstang77]

I'm in the same boat as you with my bpd ex man and our trauma bond,it's exactly one month today actually since we saw eachother and nc began,I'm struggling but accepting it's done,she's with her new victim she has gotten with who's the second guy in less then a month and she got with him not even 4 days after sleeping with me,could I probably Destroy her new r/s with this guy? Most likely and that's why I believe I won't hear from her anymore,at this point it's all just water under the bridge on the highway to hell.

 

[BeTheChange]

@xstang77

For me, the latent belief had always been that "I lost a good thing" by behaving terribly. On paper she was great - young, virgin (although given what I know about her now I am doubting this), someone who could be shaped to what I wanted sexually, giving, loving, etc - so naturally when things went down the drain I was riddled with regret.

Now I am seeing that she was deeply damaged to begin with, and only stuck around because we fed off each others pathologies. It's basically like thinking you have lost a million dollars only to found that in actual fact you lost $10. Not quite as extreme, but you get the picture. Now if she could integrate those positive qualities into a genuine personality, independent of the underlying BPD motivations then perhaps she could be worth a "million", staying with my metaphor.

Either she comes back to me and is committed to getting the therapy she needs or she (more likely) continues along the road she is on now, jumps into a new relationship and is shielded from confronting the reality of what she is and as such is doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

It's a win win for me.

Either I get back a committed plate/gf who genuinely wants to change or I move on with my life, content in the knowledge that she will eventually blow up the next relationship through either selecting another (non-self aware) narcissist or by chewing to bits any average guy, all while I go about my merry way improving my life, taking care of business and dealing with my issues to get ready for an even better woman to come along. I'm elated.

 

[xstang77]

Yea I've been in the guilt stage myself lately,but then I look at the real picture,the facts: she's had 10 jobs in the 2 years we were together,4 recycles that brought out my deepest pains and wounds,our failed engagement and almost having me arrested when I finally snapped and had an anxiety attack the last time she left. Like you I realize the million dollar vs $10 aspect i mean the girl can't hold a job and has horrible credit and can't reciprocate basic feelings of loyalty and respect in a relationship, the fact that she got with this new guy not even 4 days after being fwb with me says a lot about the future and genuiness of her new r/s, once I saw that she was in this r/s something finally died inside for me,I knew I could never trust her again nor could I ever beforehand. I kept trying and trying to help while diminishing my physical and mental health. I still miss her but I mostly just miss our adventures and companionship which I could have with any girl though it feels hopeless right now. As far as yours or mine getting therapy and returning...been there did nothing supposedly the therapist retired a few weeks after she started, it won't change they spend the rest of their lives reenacting there childhood abandonment,the disorder always wins, I've become too much of a trigger for her and I doubt she'll try anymore recycles due to shame, she even told me it's not that I don't make her happy it's that she craves the chaos and can't do stability, then she hops into another relationship lol.

 

[BeTheChange]

@xstang77

Seems to be the reality. Loyalty is a fluid concept in BPD world!

On the therapy point, you're probably right, but as I have to believe that if there's a chance for me to deal with my issus in a healthy way then there's a chance for her. I'm not expecting she will change and the odds are against it for the reasons I mentioned in my previous post, just acknowledging it as a possibility. All I can do is improve my life and work on myself so that if she does come without any intention to change I can simply disregard her without any emotional trauma on my part whatsoever.

Edit: Another thing that makes me open to the possibility she may come back and be motivated to change is that there were times when things were bad in the relationship and she actually asked that we do therapy together but I dismissed it - didn't want the stigma. So I think she, unconsciously or otherwise, sees there is a problem.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 41.

I am feeling great. I don't miss her. I don't think about her. I don't care how is she.

I keep myself busy all the time. Swimming, movies, hanging out with my friends and family... I go to bed pretty tired every night.
I met someone great, we like each other, we spent a lot of time together for the past couple of days. I can't say I'm in love, but I like her and definitely want to get to know her better (it's mutual). I want it to go slow and I am really enjoying it. She came into my life at the right moment. I don't want to compare her to my ex, but she is definitely more stable and likeable person, someone who suits me way better... she is so normal and simple. I respect her and don't want to have anything with my ex because she doesn't deserve someone who cries over the last break up and can't move on.

Guys, stay strong, you can get through this. You WILL find someone better, it's just a matter of time!

 

[Asmodeus]

I want it to go slow and I am really enjoying it.

Slow is the best speed for these kinds of things... The flame which burns the brightest also burns out the quickest.
It is good you are not turning this into some rebound where you go full speed ahead and treat it like as if you never even left a relationship. Those frequently end disastrously (thus why many advise people not to do rebounds).
Your ex leaving you may have been the best thing to happen to you in retrospect... You no longer have to deal with her drama, you found somebody who seems more stable and likable, most importantly you gained knowledge and learned, everything will turn out better.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 18

Quick one. Off to Italy today. Felt a bit nostalgic last night as this was meant to be "our holiday" together. Thankfully I'm going with people who are positive, energetic and excitable.

Accepting that she is most likely BPD and acknowledging I might be open to reconciliation at some point was more for my own redemption - I wouldn't want to be dismissed perpetually as a suitor because of my own issues. However now that my mind has absorbed that shock to the system I am beginning to question this line of thinking. Yes the heart wants what the heart wants and she might be able to get better but is that really a risk worth taking in the grander scheme of things. Think 10 years from now. If she relapses to cuckoo cuckoo status and there are kids and a mortgage involved then it's a whole different ball game...suddenly the idea of ever getting back together isn't quite so appealing!