I recently went through this. Our relationship dynamic was always her wanting attention to ease her anxiety about us, and me staying aloof and avoidant. I always kept the power and we broke up twice, both times initiated by me because she was pushing too hard.
After the first breakup, she got back in touch with me after 3-4 months NC and we got back together. I thought if we communicated better this time around, it could work. Things quickly devolved to how they were before, she didn't respect my boundaries by continuously bringing up my past and blaming me for it. She never could forgive or forget some things from my past and now the fact I've broken up with her added to that list.
I was wary that she was just using me until she could monkey-branch and indeed that's what I think she was trying to do/ or may have done (I'm not totally sure since it was an LDR.) The way the second breakup went down is that once again she was being very pushy and demanding that I answer basically a questionnaire of ultimatums about "us" and suggesting that if I didn't/ couldn't answer them correctly then we should stop. This was sent to me on whatsapp... imagine waking up to a wonderful ten page text from your GF because she couldn't communicate well. It made me feel pretty sh**y.
I remember looking at this text on a plane to London and something just snapped in my mind. I decided f*** this I'm not answering this f***ing questionnaire. I'd finally run out of the energy to keep wanting to make this work. Wasn't really planning on it but that next day I ended up in a situation where this beautiful British girl was making it too easy for me to go home with her from the pub. ( She was fluttering her eyes, licking her lips, flicking her tongue piercing to me as we talked and all her friends were telling me I'm going home with her. I wasn't even trying but I also didn't mention the GF.) I got two of the best BJ's of my life from her (didn't have condom, and yes she swallowed
) and realized that my LDR was over, or at least it should be.
When I got home from that weekend trip I agreed to fail to answer my girlfriend's ultimatums and we broke up. I didn't tell her I had cheated. I felt incredibly relieved to not have the duties of an emotionally draining relationship on my shoulders any longer. I hit the ground running and played the field. Did a lot of dating, got to have some of the variety I'd been craving for 2+ years. NC was easy to do since it was an LDR.
I had talked to her a couple times since the breakup, trying to keep it amicable, but then around nye I got a really bitter, resentful tirade of messages from my ex on facebook and she deleted me on that. This was nothing new, she'd do this throughout our relationship as a way to get attention (insecure I know). She mentioned that she had moved on in this tirade, but she seemed so pissed off at me still that I could tell that she still wanted my validation.
Then around 5 months later I had hit a dry spell, been dumped or rejected a few times in a row and then I got the news through her friend that she was seeing a new guy. I went into a state of shock and for the first time all these emotions hit me that I'd been suppressing since the breakup. I ended up getting extreme oneitis, pining away with rose-colored spectacles over our great times together and the dream we shared together for the future, writing her letters and wanting her back. For the first time I really opened up to her and told her all of these things I had always held back to keep the power during the relationship.
She responded in a very passive-aggressive, mean way, rubbing it in that I sucked compared to the new guy. This pissed me off and I also still had the burden of guilt from cheating. Keep in mind, I've been cheated on before and never wanted to EVER do that to somebody else. I also didn't appreciate that my cheating ex wasn't honest about it and mindf***ck me for months until I figured it out on my own.
I ended up sending my ex a text saying that I had cheated, its the real reason we broke up, please forgive me but I just had to be honest, i wish you the best, good bye. In retrospect it was probably just a way for me to give the last blow and help me totally annihilate any hope of getting back together- because it did.
I hope this story helps you get through your oneitis OP. Getting back together only lasted 3-4 months for us (and this is the average). It ended in disastrous bad terms. She never forgave me for breaking up with her and most girls are incapable of doing this. (They always keep a list of ALL your mistakes.) I truly love her, even though I ended up cheating. In retrospect I realize I was just an accessory to her. A means to get a ring, wedding, and babies- so she can feel successful at life and show it off to her friends on social media.
Just wait until you are staring across the table having dinner with a beautiful woman on a date. Looking deep into her eyes after you kiss her, seeing her expressions of ecstasy while you are admiring her body when you are banging her for the first time. You will have something snap in your mind, a revelation- that you would never have been able to have these new moments if you'd stayed together. You'll realize that she could satisfy you just as much as your ex and there is not only hope but plenty of women who can fill that role for you.
Your oneitis will instantly be cured.
Just remember that what you're going through is normal. Jealousy is an incredibly difficult emotion for a guy to handle, perhaps the most difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself and give it as much time as it needs.
