At a fork in the road of life. ( LTR Advice Needed )

[jgoodz]

First off, I've been coming to this site since I was about 21 years of age... I am now 33 and been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half now. She's 2 and half years older then me (35 now) and she's very smart, mature, fun, down for whatever most of the time and we have the same views in almost every aspect in life. Very compatible. BUT lately we've been having problems... well I've been having internal issues with myself. Mainly to committing. I told her last summer that we should move in. I would sell my place and move in with her.
Things happened in the listing and I ended up taking it off the market. She kept asking if I was relisting it, but I went through a lot of stress with it and simply don't feel like going through with it again right now. So she said fine take your time ( very understanding ). But she still wants to know if I see a future with her. Basically she doesn't want me to string her along. And now I feel pressure to make a life long decision because in my mind... moving in just leads into marriage and kids.
So I'm sort of getting cold feet. She's a great girl, kind heart and all that. It's just her biological clock has been making ME tick! I feel that if I do wants kids I NEED TO MAKE MOVES like now. So the pressure has been on me. We decided to take a break ... 2 weeks for that matter. When we spoke we ended it great! She was so understanding and said take your time do what you want with your place it's fine we'll work it all out... and I was at ease and I could breathe again!
She said take another weekend to yourself and think about us and if you truly see a future with us. I did and when we spoke again she was furious that I was unsure about that. I understand why though.... she feels like I've been stringing her along ... a lot of talk but no action. She is now NOT talking to me and I feel like complete ****. I don't know if I should continue to be with her... or cut the losses and go back to the single life.
I'm just not 100% sure which road I should drive down... which road will be a smoother ride... which one will lead to sunshine? I need guidance... I need advice. Please help me out in this life altering decision. I'm torn.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Your own post says you've been together 1.5 years and you use the term girlfriend. This indicates relationship status of some kind, LTR sounds like to me.

Now, you're getting stressed because she wants to know where this is going? You didn't set expectations properly if you're getting stressed thinking about this now. You only wanted her around for plate status? Should have cleared that up in the beginning.

Occasionally I'll see posts such as yours come across SS from guys who are essentially looking for an LTR, possibly even marriage, and they strongly consider having children. There's nothing wrong with this. What's wrong is that they hem and haw around for years on end trying to make a decision. You're in your 30s now and I can tell you from experience that the older you are in having kids, the more difficult it is for you to 'recover' when you are running on 3 hours of sleep dealing with a crying baby all night and have to be in to work that morning. Or when kids want your constant attention playing some game or whatever else and you have practically zero time for yourself.

People these days who are pushing 40 for having their first kid strike me as a sort of different wave of feminists. They want to feel empowered by making everyone respect their decisions to put off having kids until later because they want to focus on their career (this is the most popular reason) or something else, like schooling maybe. Despite advances in medical science and all the things we can do with modern technology, the best time to have kids is still when you're in your 20s.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It sounds like she was interested in you for the role that you could play in her life, more so than she was interested in you as a person. Because if she really loved you as an individual, she would accept whatever role you wanted in her life. She'd want you on any terms.

But she's really in love with a concept, an idea of having a husband and father for her future kids. Trust me, replacing you with another guy to step into that role is no big deal for her. She's in love with the role, and whatever individual man plays it is of much less importance.

 

[jgoodz]

Your own post says you've been together 1.5 years and you use the term girlfriend. This indicates relationship status of some kind, LTR sounds like to me.

Now, you're getting stressed because she wants to know where this is going? You didn't set expectations properly if you're getting stressed thinking about this now. You only wanted her around for plate status? Should have cleared that up in the beginning.

Occasionally I'll see posts such as yours come across SS from guys who are essentially looking for an LTR, possibly even marriage, and they strongly consider having children. There's nothing wrong with this. What's wrong is that they hem and haw around for years on end trying to make a decision. You're in your 30s now and I can tell you from experience that the older you are in having kids, the more difficult it is for you to 'recover' when you are running on 3 hours of sleep dealing with a crying baby all night and have to be in to work that morning. Or when kids want your constant attention playing some game or whatever else and you have practically zero time for yourself.

People these days who are pushing 40 for having their first kid strike me as a sort of different wave of feminists. They want to feel empowered by making everyone respect their decisions to put off having kids until later because they want to focus on their career (this is the most popular reason) or something else, like schooling maybe. Despite advances in medical science and all the things we can do with modern technology, the best time to have kids is still when you're in your 20s.

Speaking from experience I assume you're married with kids. Questions.... How old were you when you got married? How long did you date before hand? How old is she? I never heard any man ever say that ideal age to be married and have kids are when you're in your 20's.... I feel like you're still finding yourself when your at that age let alone , have such other commitments like that. I get it though having kids when your young makes it easier for when you're older. But this advice just puts even more pressure me.

 

[jgoodz]

It sounds like she was interested in you for the role that you could play in her life, more so than she was interested in you as a person. Because if she really loved you as an individual, she would accept whatever role you wanted in her life. She'd want you on any terms.

But she's really in love with a concept, an idea of having a husband and father for her future kids. Trust me, replacing you with another guy to step into that role is no big deal for her. She's in love with the role, and whatever individual man plays it is of much less importance.

I must say.... that never crossed my mind. But does kinda make a little sense. I would like to ponder on this a little more and see if that maybe actually true. Very interesting point of view. Thank you for that.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Speaking from experience I assume you're married with kids. Questions.... How old were you when you got married? How long did you date before hand? How old is she? I never heard any man ever say that ideal age to be married and have kids are when you're in your 20's.... I feel like you're still finding yourself when your at that age let alone , have such other commitments like that. I get it though having kids when your young makes it easier for when you're older. But this advice just puts even more pressure me.

Yes. She's younger than I am by 3 years and we were married when I was 27, had our first child at 28..almost 29.

Anyway, there's very likely a reason why you haven't heard that having kids early is probably best if you in fact do want children. A lot of people today in the U.S., based on our current culture, tends to embrace selfishness and greed. Now those two qualities aren't always a bad thing because that can be very good for business. But social media especially tends to exaggerate those qualities in peoples personal lives because everyone wants to keep up with what everyone else is doing.

And what is everyone else doing? Why, they're having the best times of their lives of course. No one ever posts photos of throwing up in the toilet from a hangover or cleaning up jizz off their face. They only post stuff like eating at expensive restaurants or skydiving or courtside seats at a ballgame. Life is awesome for everyone and you're missing out if you aren't getting yours. So everyone has to sort of keep up with everyone else.

If you have kids earlier on, your own personality has to adapt to the needs of your child, thus keeping your selfishness in check to some extent. It WILL be harder to adapt to this when you are older. Why?

I had my second kid at 35.

 

[jgoodz]

Yes. She's younger than I am by 3 years and we were married when I was 27, had our first child at 28..almost 29.

Anyway, there's very likely a reason why you haven't heard that having kids early is probably best if you in fact do want children. A lot of people today in the U.S., based on our current culture, tends to embrace selfishness and greed. Now those two qualities aren't always a bad thing because that can be very good for business. But social media especially tends to exaggerate those qualities in peoples personal lives because everyone wants to keep up with what everyone else is doing.

And what is everyone else doing? Why, they're having the best times of their lives of course. No one ever posts photos of throwing up in the toilet from a hangover or cleaning up jizz off their face. They only post stuff like eating at expensive restaurants or skydiving or courtside seats at a ballgame. Life is awesome for everyone and you're missing out if you aren't getting yours. So everyone has to sort of keep up with everyone else.

If you have kids earlier on, your own personality has to adapt to the needs of your child, thus keeping your selfishness in check to some extent. It WILL be harder to adapt to this when you are older. Why?

I had my second kid at 35.

Very nice. You were lucky, you porbably found each other young and spent a significant portion of your lives together. I had a 3.5 -5 Year relationship in my twenties and the rest of the time I was just dating going out and having fun on my own terms.
But what you said is so true..., everyone is trying to keep up with the Joneses ! But on my feed of friends, everyone is getting engaged, everyone is getting married, everyone is having babies. Do I NEED to follow everyone else's lead. No. of course not. But I just don't know if I'm ready, I'm not 100% in moving in... which will lead into engagement/marriage/kids and all that with her.I'm like 85-90% sure..... but shouldn't I be 100... no 110% sure to progress and make life alternating decisions like this?

 

[grayclif]

I wouldn't move I with her. She's supposed to move in with you if and only if you plan to get married.

You sell your home and she dumps you you have to go rent. If you've been on this site for 12 years you should know better. You also should know better than to go into a LTR without setting expectations.

She's a nice ladby and I can see you think highly of her but the question in all this is what is that you really want. This is the question that you have to answer.

I know people fall in love but why are you dating older. I get the feeling you were just taking what you could get. This is not the mindset you need to be successful in your relationships.

I'm sorry but you've made a bit of a mess with this one.

 

[Desdinova]

She's 2 and half years older then me (35 now)

But she still wants to know if I see a future with her.

when we spoke again she was furious that I was unsure about that.

She is now NOT talking to me

When a woman is childless at this age, she becomes desperate to have a baby before the clock runs out. You were an option to fulfil that need. Now that you're backing out, you are no longer an option.

Date women who are young and have years to build a relationship with you BEFORE they notice their clock ticking. By the time it comes down to the wire, you'll have a better idea of the strength of the relationship and won't be under pressure to make a decision.

Leave her to find a sperm donor. 1.5 years is not enough time to decide if she would be a good mother and an excellent companion for you. Take a good 5-10 years to make that decision.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Agreeing with bible and desdinova here. You are just entering your peak SMV. She's at the epiphany stage. She wants to cash in her chips and exit the sexual marketplace. You are/were her option to do that. It would be very difficult for you to gauge how much she actually loves you and cares for you as opposed to being her best option to fulfill her agenda. And believe me, women always have an agenda.

And think about this: do you want to increase your level of commitment with a woman because you feel pressure to do so or because you've decided on your own that you're ready and she's the woman you want to commit to?

-Augustus-

 

[Rainman4707]

First off, I've been coming to this site since I was about 21 years of age... I am now 33 and been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half now. She's 2 and half years older then me (35 now) and she's very smart, mature, fun, down for whatever most of the time and we have the same views in almost every aspect in life. Very compatible. BUT lately we've been having problems... well I've been having internal issues with myself. Mainly to committing. I told her last summer that we should move in. I would sell my place and move in with her.
Things happened in the listing and I ended up taking it off the market. She kept asking if I was relisting it, but I went through a lot of stress with it and simply don't feel like going through with it again right now. So she said fine take your time ( very understanding ). But she still wants to know if I see a future with her. Basically she doesn't want me to string her along. And now I feel pressure to make a life long decision because in my mind... moving in just leads into marriage and kids.
So I'm sort of getting cold feet. She's a great girl, kind heart and all that. It's just her biological clock has been making ME tick! I feel that if I do wants kids I NEED TO MAKE MOVES like now. So the pressure has been on me. We decided to take a break ... 2 weeks for that matter. When we spoke we ended it great! She was so understanding and said take your time do what you want with your place it's fine we'll work it all out... and I was at ease and I could breathe again!
She said take another weekend to yourself and think about us and if you truly see a future with us. I did and when we spoke again she was furious that I was unsure about that. I understand why though.... she feels like I've been stringing her along ... a lot of talk but no action. She is now NOT talking to me and I feel like complete ****. I don't know if I should continue to be with her... or cut the losses and go back to the single life.
I'm just not 100% sure which road I should drive down... which road will be a smoother ride... which one will lead to sunshine? I need guidance... I need advice. Please help me out in this life altering decision. I'm torn.

Is it the moving in together you're not sure about or the whole relationship??

 

[jgoodz]

UPDATE: She packed up all my stuff to be picked up. I go over and just start crying. We start crying. I say I dont want to do this. She doesn't either. We talk it out. Yet I still end up taking all my stuf back with me. We say our goodbyes and she says to call her when I'm sure. She spent the weekend with her friends I did with mine. But Ive been very depressed about it. I do miss her and what we had.


had.

Is it the moving in together you're not sure about or the whole relationship??

More about moving in. I feel moving in is just like being married. Then that's what would happen next or the break up would be worse. I see myself with her but when I look down the line 5 years I'm just not sure if I'll be happy or not with her. Just worries me, making a commitment like this. BUT she understands all this and is willing to take it day by day. Yet I feel her age pressures me. She obviously isn't worried about that. :/

 

[LiveYourDream]

IF IN DOUBT, DON'T DO IT. Your life will go on, there will be other women.

Don't ever let anyone dictate what is right for you.

^^^^^^^THIS x a million

Read and re-read what @Mauser96 shared, over and over, especially when you feel down and are having doubts. His sharing is filled with great experience and wisdom. Truly take it in.

 

[Spinach]

I am in the exact same situation but much older than you. So any decision I make will be a final one as I am running out of time to recoup any mistakes in life. It is depressing at best. I do enjoy her company but realize I will NEVER be her priority as she has children and now grandchildren. She can have another man within a day with a simple text. And I know that. So I am faced as you are with the crap or get off the pot situation. She is growing more restless as time goes on. But bottom line is that she has nothing to lose and I have a life time of worth, property and friends that would be gone. And this would be done on a "maybe" as she says nothing is guaranteed in life. Good luck as we both surely need it.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I am in the exact same situation but much older than you. So any decision I make will be a final one as I am running out of time to recoup any mistakes in life. It is depressing at best. I do enjoy her company but realize I will NEVER be her priority as she has children and now grandchildren. She can have another man within a day with a simple text. And I know that. So I am faced as you are with the crap or get off the pot situation. She is growing more restless as time goes on. But bottom line is that she has nothing to lose and I have a life time of worth, property and friends that would be gone. And this would be done on a "maybe" as she says nothing is guaranteed in life. Good luck as we both surely need it.

So they look at cashing you guys in as you get older?

 

[Spinach]

Nor sure, but anything is possible.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Nor sure, but anything is possible.

you know some of their friends might have convinced them to add up the numbers and look at the pro's and con's.

 

[jgoodz]

A very similar thing happened to me last year. GF pushed and pushed and finally gave me an ultimatum. Unless I sold and we bought a place together "She didn't see a future for us" Keep in mind she had NO MONEY to put in on the "new purchase"

I told her " I just bought my place 3 years ago. My career is in xxx, where I live. I am not moving, so I guess this is the end"

I was single and dated for a handful of months then found my current GF.

Today? I have been dating a local woman for almost a year - happier than I EVER was with the previous GF. Her strong arm tactic failed, my life has gone on, and I am getting more ass than a toilet seat. My old GF remains single.


IF IN DOUBT, DON'T DO IT. Your life will go on, there will be other women.

Don't ever let anyone dictate what is right for you.


Your timeline is not her timeline. Your paths are veering away from each other - let them.

I have to say I did re-read several times and it's very solid advice. Thank You !

Thing is she isn't putting the pressure on me . I'm putting the pressure upon myself. She's willing to take it slow. I initiated everything and said I wanted to move in with her (within 8 months of dating) But it's just me worrying about the future messing everything up. I wasn't sure if it was cold feet or not. But I did have doubts yet second guessing them.

 

[jgoodz]

The weekend has gone by and i've been truly depressed about it all. I don't know what to do today.... i feel i should call her but it's a bad idea, unless i'm 100% on getting back with her. This is killing me. How do you guys cope? I really did love her and she's a great girl. If only she was younger and we had more time.

 

[Spinach]

Age is just a number. Time can be managed. If she meets your criteria as a partner go for it. If not then the decision has already been made. As far as that dull ache in your sternum only time and another women will cure that. Sucks but we have all been there and most likely will be there again. Good luck my friend with what ever path you take.