Guy exhibits impulsive behavior and I am not sure what do next

[LiveYourDream]

Unfortunately, yes it is, and nothing ever came of that because I had feelings for him and wanted to be in a relationship and he did not. No we were never intimate and did not even kiss. Actually, I believed that because we never crossed that line that we could maintain a friendship after that happened, because that is all I am interested in now. Now I see that perhaps I am wrong.

I think you gave the guy blue balls a zillion times over back then. He held back because you never gave him a clear green light. Honestly, I think you knowingly toyed with him and you liked it. I think you are doing the same thing now. He's married. If you had any respect you'd stay away. Your so called desire for friendship is you seeking to see if he still has the hots for you. Now, you want to see if you can give him blue balls all over again. You want to see if you can get him all hot, just like old times. Once he's hot and ready, you'll just say no, with the excuse that after all he's married, so you can't.

You disguise it all as seeking friendship. I don't buy it. He never got to have sex with you 10 years ago and here he is chomping at the bit to fulfill his fantasy and release all that pent up desire from back then. You reached out and teased. You set him up. He showed right up at your house. Did you answer. No. Do you feel better about yourself? Did you get your validation? Are you going to keep toying with him until you fvck up his marriage too?

You come back and post on here, like you did 10 years ago, playing coy as if you are innocent just seeking friendship, all while knowing you are leading him on, likely knowing you have no intention of sleeping with him.

After 10 years, are you reaching out to up the ante of self validation and toy with him to see if he's willing to fvck up his marriage, to finally sleep with you. I see through what you are up to. I hope he does too.

You toyed with him 10 years ago and now you want to toy with him all over again. Seeking validation at someone else's expense, all over again. Are you BPD or just crazy selfish?

If you really cared for and respected this man, you'd just leave him the fvck alone. Obviously, you are missing the ability to consider the effect of your actions on others. I hope he goes NC with you and never looks back.

Men deserve better from women.

 

[DreamyChick]

No I was inexperienced. I had not ever really dated any guys prior to when we started to hang out back then. I was not confident and did not know how to read body language. I always held what he told me to be the truth that he was never interested in being with me intimately or having a relationship with me. His words and actions never aligned and it was a confusing time for me. I didn't want to get my heart broken, so I decided not to go there with him. Now I want to extract myself from the situation because I was naïve to think that we could have a friendship.

 

[dutchmaster]

so some guy you're playing games with is playing them back?

lol karma's a b1tch

 

[zinc4]

Live your dream nailed it....OP...you are a very silly little girl. Go play around with single guys.

 

[LiveYourDream]

You can try to sell your innocent/inexperienced 'story' here, all over again. To me, it clearly wasn't the case ten years ago and neither is it now. I believe men deserve better. I have copied and pasted a handful of your previous posts about this man, just to show how "innocent/inexperienced" you were. In my opinion, you underestimate the men here. They are very perceptive and smart.

I have this guy friend. We have been friends forever it seems and...
Then later he leads the conversation to talk about sex and how far I have gone with a guy. I repeatedly tell him that I am uncomfortable doing so and hes like it's alright by the end of the night you will and true to his word he keeps trying. So finally, I am like I have no interest in sex and don't plan on having it and his eyes got big. Of course I was fibbing but I wanted him to drop the subject. This only futher intrigued him. My innocence always has. He told me I was lying but half believed me so he set out to test me which I totally didn't see coming. He jumps up from his side of the couch and sits next to me puts one hand on the back of my neck and the the other hand on my thigh sort of moving it up a little as a tease.

I was in shock so I couldnt say anything. I immediately felt nervous and he was looking at me. Then I was like see I am not reacting meaning I am not asking him for more and hes like oh but you are. I was trying to play it cool so then he stops and he starts again. This time he put his leg on my leg that he was rubbing and kept rubbing my neck looking at me I blushed. So he was like okay this is my conclusion you got excited your heart rate and breathing increased.

So insisted it was bc I was freaked out that I was in flight response mode and he said well you didn't say anything true at first and then I did and he was like no it excited you. I said but I didn't react. So basically I half way was still able to convince he I wasn't ever going to be interested in having sex with anyone. He kept saying I was in denial and I wanted a romatic relationship and I do but I was trying to get him off the topic and telling him to stop talking about it wasnt getting me anywhere. But guys he was right. I just didn't want him to know how he was getting to me.

But then get this made the mistake of asking for a message and he gave me one two actually before we called it a night.

He didn't kiss me or anything or touch me inappropriately but I get the feeling that if I would have even hinted that I wanted to test our boundaries he would have been up for it. I dont know maybe I am overreacting but when he gave me the massage he was pretty through rubbing me everywhere down my back right to where my waistband was and a little below, no touching on my butt but on my outer hips and inner thighs at one point and somehow I felt like we were still playing with fire. at one point he pulled my shirt up so he could have contact with my skin on my back and said it was so I could get the full effect. But he made it sound very innocent said he gave massages all the time. he gave me another massage before I went home as well. Before I left he hugged me and that was that.

Was this all innocent?

He had me very curious about how far he was going to push the boundaries but then he did a lot of holding back too like he was waiting for me to ask for more. So I got really confused at the same time so that's why I came on the board asking were his actions innocent bc I am after all inexperienced and didn't really trust my gut. He was very subtle with everything so it was kind of hard to read him.

Okay docs I'll be honest I did want him but that's not the point. I am new to this and he did stuff and backed off push and pull and tried to act like he does this stuff everyday. Oh dreamy I love to give massages. That's what he said. and I give them to everyone. I sort of fell for that during the first massage bc I asked for it. But he asked to give the second one and he was all maybe you could give me a massage too. He's always sarcastic so I didn't know if I should take him seriously. But he was smooth. Your shirt feels like sandpaper...let me pull it up so you can get the full effect. I was in total disbelief. Let me describe our positions. I was laying on my stomach stretched out and he was like sitting in the spot between my legs running his hands up and down the sides of my body. Oh god How stupid am I to think that that was innocent? He changed the positions of his hands frequently from using his palms to apply pressure to my back muscles placing his hands just right below my waist band. He also seemed to enjoy lightly squeezing my sides and hips but then he went to my inner thighs and I swear I felt him brush me but I thought I was imagining it. I assumed it was an accident. It was really light so I wasn't sure. Then he finally stopped and I he got off the couch and I sat up
and he sat on the floor and then moved back to sit on the couch and so I gave him a back massage but I didnt do everything he did.

What was up with his position massaging me? Normally if You are going to massage someone arent you on the side of the couch not on the couch with the person. I remembered laying there thinking this is sort of simulating sex.

He seemed really baffled by my statement of never wanting to have sex. He was all you know that's a big part of a romantic relationship and I know you want that. I didn't say anything. I told him I have self control and I am above you. I know that sounded really stupid and I am kicking myself that I said it but I wanted to convince him of what I was saying. He even said after his first test with me where he was touching my leg that he suspected I was using reverse psychology on him. But I was afraid of being honest and owning up that his slight touch was really getting to me. I was afraid it would scare him off.

I couldn't understand why he was so interested in what I have done sexually with someone. He kept telling me I needed to experiment ya ya yada and all that but I didn't think he was considering helping me in that area. I mean he called me out on not wanting sex and did his little test but only after I pressed him on it but than that was that and it was back to talking, and I was the one to suggest the massage and he was up for it, but I hated feeling like I had to be the one to suggest everything with him. I've always known that he will take a challenge but I thought he would be a bit more dominant than that. I was just having a hard time figuring him out because I sort of initiated what happened. I am not used to being in that role by the way. ...I just thought he was being a tease and playing with me.

 

[LiveYourDream]

A few more...

What Is Going On? It Happened Again

Hey guys,

I am back posting again because tonight after 3 weeks since said incident I called him and he invited me over again. And it happened again only he took it up a notch even after he busted me about writing about it in my journal see email below.


I just thought you'd would like to know that there are people out there... cruel people that are still reading your blog... might want to be more careful about what you post for the public to read.

I have been relayed a few messages about said posts. I am sorry if I ever gave you the wrong impression... nothing that I did was at all suggestive or sexual in any way. I was not being forward... I was just hanging out as a FRIEND .. and nothing else. I am sorry I if did anything that gave you the wrong impression. I don't mean to confuse you. Strange to me how you could have interpreted the night's events the way you did.

Okay so I was busted so I went over there having every intention to just talk to him tonight about why he said I was wrong, but what happened instead? Another freaking massage.

First we just watched the movie and he made stupid comments and I laughed and then we kind of got playful and he was play fighting. We were watching Million Dollar baby and I smacked him several times and then after the movie was over he started looking at me again and I said What and hes like what and I am like you are freaking me out and he's asking me why and I said because you are being weird, so then he litterally lean over me got real close to my face and said how does this make you feel and I said uncomfortable and hes like uncomfortable how? Good or bad and I was like I don't know.

I just don't like how I dont know what to expect from you and hes like so. Then we were just talking about something and I said I dont think you are good for much and he was like what? I know for a fact that I am good at one thing. You really liked that massage I gave you and I was like what massage I dont remember? He told me I was lying and I said yeah that I was messing with him. I told him I liked it and we changed the subject then 20 minutes later he asks me to let him give me another.

So I am like okay and then he asks me what kind of massage and I tell him I don't want to make any decisions because I wanted to see where he would go with this again. But finally I tell him just do my back and neck, so he's like okay. Well the next thing I know it turns into the full body massage again. After awhile he gets bold and slides his hands under my shirt again and rubs me where he can reach without taking the shirt off. He rubs his hands over my bra hook too and in my head I am thinking what?????

I am confused bc in his email he denys up and down that there is anything sexual to these massages. The next thing I know he unhooks me and continues rubbing my back.

He periodically asks me if I like what hes doing and if I am comfortable and in my head I was freaking out and nervous. I was going along with everything because I again liked it and I wanted to prove to myself that he was in denial about what was happening. I wanted more proof. So eventually he works his handles lightly around my butt without every fully placing his hands there and then my inner thighs again. What the heck???? So eventually he does touch my butt and after awhile I sit up and I am like what do you want? He's like well I prefer skin to skin contact.
So I am like what do you want me to do about it? No answer and finally I am like look I don't want to make any decisions tonight and so he starts unbuttoning my shirt. At this point, I remember that he unhooked me and so I lay back down on my stomach really quick to avoid too much exposure but he got a look anyway. Because I thought well if he said this isnt sexual then why should he see me like that.

Then at this point he asks me if I am uncomfortable several times and I play it cool. After awhile he focus on my neck and starts to grab me where I have no choice but to lift myself up a bit and then there were several times where he massaged under my arm and I got the feeling he was trying to turn me over. So after a half hour of this he gets tired so I ask him for something to drink so I can straighten myself up a bit. Then he gives me mixed freaking signals. He keeps telling me to tell him what I want but I play dumb bc I dont want to be vunerable but his actions and his words never concide.

I will ask him to kiss me the next time we are together and see what happens. Should I be honest with him the next time he asks me what I want, or will it scare him off?

Okay this is sort of a continuation of the thread found here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=915986#post915986


So last night I gave this guy a call and he called back and I ended up asking him if I could come over. We've been playing this game with each other for weeks. On the phone I tell him that I will be spending the night there because it is already getting late. He tells me that it's fine as long as I don't mind sleeping on a futon. So I said no. I get over there I noticed that he pulled his matress from his bed upstairs and brought it downstairs in the living room. I figured he did this because his house is huge and he has no ac upstairs. The livingroom however does have and ac. But I found his placement of the matress interesting. He placed it in front of the futon where I was supposed to be.

So I brought a few dvds for him to choose a movie from. Most of them are chick flicks. Guess what he chooses the Notebook of all things. It's my all time favorite movie but I found it strange that he wanted to watch that and yes guys we actually watched the movie. However during the course of the movie he is busting every move the romantic lead actor makes and calling all the male characters gay. He won't shut up and I try to get him to and this provokes him. He is 24 years old mind you but at the current moment I felt like we were back in middle school. He was drinking and busting on me saying I was a lesbian and I was like what proof do you have? He had none. Anyway, I threw a pillow at him trying to get him to hush so I could watch the movie but he still kept on and I threatened to slap the crap out of him and he was all bring it then he started acting like he wanted to play fight with me so we could be touching each other or something but I didn't fall for it. I was getting very annoyed by his behavior. He was not being a man but a boy who was incapable of fully expressing himself. Finally the movie ends and we get under the covers and he seems to fall asleep immediately.

However before I know it he has moved closer to me, I am laying on my stomach and he wraps his arm around me just above my waist and lays one of his legs on top of mine. I am thinking what the heck? He kept going on how I was supposedly a lesbian and he's getting all cuddly. He shifted positions but still stayed right up under me with his arm still around me. At this point I am getting hot bc his skin is hot and so I turn over and lay on my back and this time he puts his leg even further on top of mine and gripes me even tighter and I look over and notice his face pointed toward my shoulder. I honestly did not know what to think. Finally he stopped cuddling and slept on his side of the bed. I finally was able to sleep. At some point during the night I woke up and had to go to the bathroom and I noticed he was talking in his sleep. When I returned from the bathroom he was sitting straight up in the bed, but when I laid back down he did. When I woke up this morning and was about to leave I was looking around for a piece of paper but instead laying out in plain view on the table were 4 unopened trojan condoms. I found that interesting. Why would he leave them out like that?[/QUOTE]

To me, your quest for his friendship, 10 years later, is all about you, and your desire for validation. Men deserve better. I hope, for his sake, he goes NC and saves himself and his marriage, from your "innocent" attention and intentions.

 

[DreamyChick]

Yes, I read those posts too Live your Dream. I admit at the time I did have some clue what I thought was going on but there was a lot of back and forth. He never tried to kiss meso in my mind I did not have enough proof so I put a lot of value in his words and thought he found me unattractive, and only liked me as a friend or casual acquaintaince. I thought maybe he was enjoying the attention I was giving him at the time.Yes, you can point your finger at me all you want, but he knew how I felt about him at the time, and he did not want to tell me his intentions. Now I have decided to distance myself from him.

 

[Amer1group]

I don't want to jude. If you want a man to tell you his intentions convince the rest of the woman of the world to stop being bitter about direct talk. You stripped your credibility yourself; next time you want someone to agree with you, try a women forum, there all post are like "it's all the men's fault", you would be happier.

 

[MrWood]

and in the 10 years... you had relationships...
now you are single... lonely... desperate... wall is coming!!!

reverse the situation and consider a MAN doing this to YOU...
YOU were never interested in HIM and now YOU are married w/kids.

How does that MAN look to you, hmmmm?
Friendship? really...?
Desperate looser? yep.

 

[BeExcellent]

The answer is leave him alone. Respect yourself and respect him.

LYD has broken it down well. Even if you were innocent then (you weren't) don't feign innocence now.

So that's the answer. Move along & forget him. Seriously. There is nothing good which comes from this interaction.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Yes, I read those posts too Live your Dream. I admit at the time I did have some clue what I thought was going on but there was a lot of back and forth. He never tried to kiss me so in my mind I did not have enough proof so I put a lot of value in his words and thought he found me unattractive, and only liked me as a friend or casual acquaintaince. I thought maybe he was enjoying the attention I was giving him at the time.Yes, you can point your finger at me all you want, but he knew how I felt about him at the time, and he did not want to tell me his intentions. Now I have decided to distance myself from him.

I remembered laying there thinking this is sort of simulating sex.

laying out in plain view on the table were 4 unopened trojan condoms. I found that interesting. Why would he leave them out like that?

Simulating sex is what you do with friends you are not interested in sexually or vice versa? I am not buying that, or that it was done in innocence, with you unaware that he was wanting sex with you. Nor do I buy that you were unintentionally playing games with him and posting about what he needed to do, if you were maybe going to allow him to have sex with you.

I am not a fan of deceit. You come back to SS and try to repackage how innocent and unaware you were 10 years ago and apparently still are 10 years later. Your actions and posts speak for themselves. It's clear that you got off on this man's attention and then specifically withholding sex from him repeatedly, 10 years ago. Recently you seek him out, aware that he's married but contact him, so you could once again, for old times sake, do it to him again, 10 years later. You do. You get off on his desire for you, while giving him nothing, once again feigning innocence. Then just like old times, you log on here at SS, to post and talk to the men here, about it, all while playing innocent to them as well, asking them questions, while pretending you just don't understand why the man you are toying with, is responding the way he is. It's sick.

Sure you can suggest it was just another innocent misunderstanding on your behalf about what friendship is vs what constitutes leading a man on and getting him hot and thinking about sex, only to deny him, as your own little power trip over him. I see it clearly. Package it however you want, but the intent inside remains clear.

Go ahead and repackage it for another 500 posts and maybe somebody here will buy it and give you the attention you so desperately seek, under the costume of innocent woman who has know idea that she teases this man sexually, only to walk away leaving him unfulfilled, over and over and over. I think most men here are way too smart to fall for your ploy.

@MrWood assumed you've been in relationships in the last ten years. I am not so convinced. You don't consider others, so it seems much less likely to me, unless you just steamrolled them. Your history here shows you prefer to simply toy with men. Have you actually been in long term relationships in the last ten years? How long? For the record, did you actually ever give up your virginity or have just perpetually just teased men with it? If you answered the previous questions, did you tell the truth or just lie to support your costume of innocence? It'll likely be a pretty package for the men here to buy. I get it. I also know authenticity is a bit more obvious than you realize.

I don't enjoy calling other women out like this. Not at all. Women like you, are one of the reasons there are so many bitter and disheartened men. Men deserve better from women. I like to connect with women who share similar values and who admire and respect men, not a woman who deceives and manipulates a man to get her jollies, at the man's expense. I know, tell us all again, it was all an innocent mistake, or misunderstanding, both then and now (note sarcasm). An innocent misunderstanding? I don't buy it. I see behind the curtain.

Do you have BPD or another PD? Have you been diagnosed? Maybe it's time to get some help and stop hurting others? Whether you have harmed intentionally or not, with professional help, perhaps you can choose to live differently moving forward.

I understand some women have made great strides to remediate their BPD or other destructive behaviors, with newer treatment strategies and approaches. You have to want it and be committed to it, more than what you are doing now. I suspect if you did, you could build yourself a life, that offers you far more meaningful and true fulfillment than you've known in this life. Consider checking it out. I wish you the best in doing so.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Simulating sex is what you do with friends you are not interested in sexually or vice versa? I am not buying that, or that it was done in innocence unaware that he was wanting sex with you and you were playing games about what he needed to do, if you were ever going to allow him to have sex with you.

I am not a fan of deceit. You can come back and repackage how innocent and unaware you were 10 years ago and still are 10 years later. Your actions and posts speak for themselves. I get that you got off on this man's attention and then withholding sex from him repeatedly, 10 years ago. I get that you just did that to him, just recently, 10 years later, and you got off on it too. Just like old times, you logged on here, to talk to other men about it and play innocent to them as well asking questions like you don't understand what's going on. It's sick.

Sure you cam suggest it was just another innocent misunderstanding about what friendship is vs what constitutes leading a man on and getting him hot thinking about sex, only to deny him, as your own little power trip over him. I see it clearly. Package it however you want, but the intent inside remains clear.

Go ahead and repackage it for another 500 posts and maybe somebody here will buy it and give you the attention you so desperately seek, under the costume of innocent women who has know idea she teases men only sexually to walk away leaving them unfulfilled, over and over and over. I think most men here are way too smart to fall for your ploy.

@MrWood assumed you've been in relationships in the last ten years. I am not so convinced. You don't consider others, so it seems much less likely to me, unless you just steamrolled them. Your history shows you prefer to simply toy with them. Have you been in long term relationships in the last ten years? How long? For the record, did you actually ever give up your virginity or have just perpetually just teased men with it? If you answered the previous questions, did you tell the truth or just lie to support your costume of innocence? I know will never know. Authenticity is a bit more obvious than you realize.

I don't enjoy calling other women out like this. Not at all. Women like you, are the reason there are so many bitter and disheartened men. They deserve better from women. I like to connect with women who share similar values and who admire and respect men, not a women who deceive and manipulate men to get her jollies, at their expense. I know, tell us all again, it was all an innocent mistake, or misunderstanding, then and now. A misunderstanding? I don't buy it.

Do you have BPD or another PD? Have you been diagnosed? Maybe it's time to get some help and stop hurting others? Whether you have harmed intentionally or not, with professional help, perhaps you can choose to live differently moving forward.

I understand some women have made great strides to remediate their BPD behavior, with newer treatment strategies and approaches. You have to want it and be committed to it, more than what you are doing now. I suspect it would be life that offered you far more true fulfillment than you've yet known. Consider checking it out.

Well d@ng, you told her. And I tried to explain to people who play too much that it actually feels much better and much more rewarding to "do people right". Still as males we need some amount of game, because telegraphing your intentions and being 100% transparent is not as sexually attractive. But still we don't have to play with people.

 

[Tictac]

Yes, I read those posts too Live your Dream. I admit at the time I did have some clue what I thought was going on but there was a lot of back and forth. He never tried to kiss meso in my mind I did not have enough proof so I put a lot of value in his words and thought he found me unattractive, and only liked me as a friend or casual acquaintaince. I thought maybe he was enjoying the attention I was giving him at the time.Yes, you can point your finger at me all you want, but he knew how I felt about him at the time, and he did not want to tell me his intentions. Now I have decided to distance myself from him.

You're a simple AW. Leave him alone.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

This saddens me. Out of the billions of women in the world, I have only heard of 3 (on the internet mind you) who are consciously letting men be dominant and actually ENCOURAGE them to be real men. But then I have to remember that there are people like you put there who toy with men's emotions. I used to believe that SOME things a woman does (that is harmful to others) is unintentional. But as I get older and older, read more and more, see more and more, hear more and more, and reflect my past experiences as well as those of others, then I realize more and more how little a chance there is of me, or ANY man for that matter, finding any suitable future prospects. Even my own mother will ask things of me that seem futile and I will ask her why and she says "I'm just testing you to see what you'll do and how you'll react". Damn, what kind of world is it where you can't even trust your own mother not to try to manipulate you?

Guess it's time to become jaded towards people again.

 

[DreamyChick]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am going to leave him alone.

 

[DreamyChick]

So he texted today to ask if we could talk about what happened and he was firm that he didn't proposition me just joked about having a girl friend and wife. He also said he's only ever been kind and appropriate and that I the only friend of his that reacted this way to one of his obvious jokes. He said that he was joking and so it all seems like a huge overreaction to which he overreacted to. So he went on to say he won't bother me anymore. So that's that. He must have said he was kidding at least 8 times in the conversation.

 

[MrWood]

you dont lie to a woman that you have a wife AND a girlfriend
I dont care how much "frame" you have, and that you are the only one ever to missread him and overreact
*cough*cough*

you Misssy, are being bullsh1tted to and psychologically manipulated on the highest order

hint: re-read what you wrote 10 times

"won't bother you anymore" after all this and everything I see...
classic PUA and hardcore NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) are being used on you in a very unhealthy way

run away very fast

 

[DreamyChick]

you dont lie to a woman that you have a wife AND a girlfriend
I dont care how much "frame" you have, and that you are the only one ever to missread him and overreact
*cough*cough*

you Misssy, are being bullsh1tted to on the highest order

I also asked him why he just came over without telling me and he said that it was because I seemed upset and that he was worried and that he wouldn't do that again. I told him that he was the first married man to ever joke with me about having a girl friend and a wife. He actually had me back tracking feeling like maybe I was way off base about the situation.

 

[MrWood]

had you backtrack - forcing you to question YOURSELF on his "facts"
you overreacted - see above

do you fvcking get it? WE ARE WARNING YOU NOW TO GTF AWAY FROM THIS GUY

 

[DreamyChick]

had you backtrack - forcing you to question YOURSELF on his "facts"
you overreacted - see above

do you fvcking get it? WE ARE WARNING YOU NOW TO GTF AWAY FROM THIS GUY

Yes, something still seems very off about the whole thing and it is not sitting well with me.