What is wrong with my social skills

[SayWhat]

I've had several occasions where I met new people this past week.

One thing that occured to me is that at first glance they seem quite friendly and open. But this changes very, very fast.

I ask them some basic stuff 'what do you do', 'from where are you', 'how did you meet X', 'I heard from X you know something about that'. They answer, but for some reason, after that everything changes. They keep talking but their eye contact is 95% to others, 5% to others (these are moments where these persons speak out of themselves).

When I ask these questions I feel disgusted for some reason, because I ask them clearly just to say something, to be friendly.

My recent surge in threads about my social skills show I'm fed up with these situations, I want to be able to talk to everyone, to keep a conversation going for as long as I want, to be able to have the person say afterwards 'wow what a great talk'. At my current state I have a long way to go and the hardest part is that I don't know how to get there. I read many many books, tried different tactics, but for some reason it doesn't work. I don' even believe in the fact I can do it. I'm so jealous on people who can lighten up a party or just talk to anyone without thinking about it.

 

[marmel75]

Probably because it sounds like you are interviewing them and you are being boring as Fvck.

 

[DiegoSantori]

Develop the IDGAF attitude. Forget about what everyone else is thinking. It's irrelevant. You'll know you're there when you notice yourself saying risque things without second guessing yourself, or giving much thought to it before saying it. After a while it will just be natural.

 

[SayWhat]

Probably because it sounds like you are interviewing them and you are being boring as Fvck.

I can find myself in that yes, but how do you ask it then without sounding like that?

Develop the IDGAF attitude. Forget about what everyone else is thinking. It's irrelevant. You'll know you're there when you notice yourself saying risque things without second guessing yourself, or giving much thought to it before saying it. After a while it will just be natural.

If I would develop the IDGAF attitude, I just wouldn't say anything to anyone, because honestly I don't care about others if I'm not interested in them. And if I would be interested, see the above.

 

[DiegoSantori]

If I would develop the IDGAF attitude, I just wouldn't say anything to anyone, because honestly I don't care about others if I'm not interested in them. And if I would be interested, see the above.

This is the crucial point. You don't care about others. That's why your convos s*ck. In your case, silence is 100 times better than boring conversations, trust me. By remaining silent, you at least have the chance of being perceived as 'mysterious'.

My advice: Only talk to people you are really interested in. Because if you're interested in someone, the conversation is automatically going to be interesting. If you are not interested in anyone, then remain silent. It's not your obligation to talk to people. Meaningful silence is always better than meaningless words.

 

[Alvafe]

what diego said have a lot of point, you are interviewing then, asking things by reflex and jsut stay there looking bored at then people will notice this and stop waste time with you, try not to ask this kind of questions anyway, most of my friends I didn't know what they do till like 3-4 months after I get to know then, I would prefer to talk about more interesting things and just have fun, and job is not fun, its work, and out of work people don't want to remember that, save it for your real close friends who then you can both complain about it

also learn to stay a little more open, not look too serious when they talk, and really listen what they say

 

[MrWood]

im sarcastic as fvck, people hate me...
until they realize i'm obviously completely right, but that's my job... which is my passion other than sex
I talk too much, rude, contrary, shockingly brutal and romantic as hell

women call me funny and clever

I am a little bit "known / legacy" in my industry, and I get ppl like you trying to get in my orbit
my reaction is exactly as you describe
bite my tongue if I cant guess your country of origin already...

as the others have said, stop interviewing and stfu
You pedestalize and are in gleaming awe from the start

 

[RangerMIke]

You are asking the same questions that every clueless swinging Richard asks. When you act like this it sounds like you are just trying to find some commonality.

Ask open ended questions that make her think.

Instead of asking her name say "So what do your friends call you?" If you are lucky she might come back with some smart @ss answer like, "What makes you think you are a friend?" Then you say "Woh.. slow down, who says I want to be a friend, next thing I know you'll be just like the other gold digging chicks asking for money." If you get sh!t tested be ready to come back with something funny.

Instead of asking where she is from, ask her WHY she is where you are meeting her, then how she got there.

My goto approach is to just fvcking walk up to a woman and start talking to her like you already know her, about something going on around you. "Jez... is that not the ugliest (or nicest) painting you have ever seen?", "I just talked to a guy that had the most interesting story (then tell a story).", After you bantered for a couple of minutes... ask her name. This works really well because she will be thinking "Do I know this guy?", until you ask her name... then she feels a bit of relief because she knows she doesn't know you.

It works well, she either responds favorably and it will force the sh!t test out early so you can get it over with, just be prepared for any comeback. It doesn't really matter what you say as long as yo indicate to her that her insults don't get to you.

 

[Huffman]

I hope I'm not repeating all the advice which is here 900 times.
But think about your questions! They are fine, but - WHY are you asking them?

WHY are you asking "Where are you from"?
- Because with the answer, you will proceed to form a connection. She is from XY place, maybe you know something about it, if not then maybe she will tell you a FUN story about it, give you a story about it, you want to know how she FEELS about it - and then you will relate to and ACCEPT her feelings - you have so much in common!

WHY are you asking "What do you do"?
- Because with the answer, you will proceed to form a connection. She does XY job, maybe you know something about it, if not.... etc you know.

It's OK to ask these questions, but always consider that those questions are not the goal. They are only a start, an entry point, you are using them to PROBE her.... to find an opening.... to make her start talking, open up... until she starts pouring out her emotions, which you will then connect to. Or manipulate, if that's your thing.

Your GOAL is not the answer to those questions - your goal is to form an emotional bond. Every human, at heart, craves to be accepted and understood. That, I believe, is the essence of true conversation.

 

[DiegoSantori]

If a guy asks me what is wrong with his social skills, the question alone tells me a lot about him. Thinking that you lack the social skills in order to have a better life is an unnecessarily negative, needy, low self-esteem mindset of a guy who is seeking the approval of others.

I hate the term "social skills" btw. Let me tell you something. You don't lack anything. You're just making life difficult when, in fact, it's super easy. Guys who are able to lighten up a party are just people who don't give a f***. That's it. No skills, they just don't care about what other people think. That's not a skill, that's just a highly effective mindset which improves your life tenfold.

 

[FairShake]

Keep doing what you're doing.

The only way to get more skilled at socializing (and make no mistake, it IS a skill) is by socializing. You may start out a white belt but with practice and perhaps the patient eyes of cool people who actually socialize with you (not dudes on a internet forum) you may get better.

Make a good friend or two who seem open and friendly and go out and meet people with them. If they have a problem with what you're doing they will let you know. And then don't do that.

 

[Yewki]

When I ask these questions I feel disgusted for some reason, because I ask them clearly just to say something, to be friendly.

I guarantee you, if you feel disgusted while talking to people, they 100% pick up on it. This is why they're turned off. If they don't hear it in your voice, they observe it.

90%+ of communication is nonverbal.

The solution? Talk about things that are actually on your mind, things that you want to talk about. Otherwise keep it brief and stop talking just for the sake of talking.

 

[Huffman]

I guarantee you, if you feel disgusted while talking to people, they 100% pick up on it. This is why they're turned off. If they don't hear it in your voice, they observe it.

90%+ of communication is nonverbal.

The solution? Talk about things that are actually on your mind, things that you want to talk about. Otherwise keep it brief and stop talking just for the sake of talking.

Terrific point. What helps me time and time again is the thought that everyone wants to be understood - and that you are actually doing them a favor by asking them about themselves. Try to find out what's truly on their mind, how they are truly feeling about things.

You are not asking these questions to manipulate them into liking you. You are asking these questions because they want nothing more than a person who understands them. It's beautiful, not disgusting.

 

[yungballa]

I used to suck at talking to people, until.... wait for it... I PRACTICED TALKING TO MORE PEOPLE!

you can't just magically expect to be a master conversationalist. you should try talking to more people.

when i'm in a conversation, i don't think of most of the sh1t i say, it mostly just comes to me in the moment. especially when im talking to girls. i dont think about what ima say, it just comes to me.

i think you should just listen to what theyre saying. when you're talking to a person, almost NEVER talk about yourself. people don't give a fvck about what you have to say about yourself, to be honest. i've noticed that when i talk about myself in a conversation, the other person looks uninterested as fvck. but when i turn the conversation on something else other than myself, they're more open to talk.

basic points that should help you
-talk about yourself less; unless you're asked to speak on yourself
-talk less, LISTEN MORE. when the speaker is done talking, you should paraphrase what they just
said and say it back to them.

ex. John: I went to Cuba and I got laid. The girls over there were so easy it took me like four days to get with about three of them.
Chris: It only took you four days to get with three of them!?

-ask questions, but dont interview them. say a statement or two inbetween questions.
for example:

John: How was your vacation in Cuba?
Chris: It was kinda fun.
***John: I heard they got plenty of girls down in Cuba.
John: Did you see any pretty women?

If you're constantly asking a person questions, it's gonna be a fvcking interview. That's why I saw bust out a line or two before you ask another question.

this is mostly how i get through in convos with people who im not too familiar with. otherwise, the convos roll smoothly with people im cool with.

but tbh, you wont be a smooth at conversation until you try and talk to more people. its a skill that doesnt magically just drop into your lap. gotta work for it

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I used to suck at talking to people, until.... wait for it... I PRACTICED TALKING TO MORE PEOPLE!

you can't just magically expect to be a master conversationalist. you should try talking to more people.

when i'm in a conversation, i don't think of most of the sh1t i say, it mostly just comes to me in the moment. especially when im talking to girls. i dont think about what ima say, it just comes to me.

i think you should just listen to what theyre saying. when you're talking to a person, almost NEVER talk about yourself. people don't give a fvck about what you have to say about yourself, to be honest. i've noticed that when i talk about myself in a conversation, the other person looks uninterested as fvck. but when i turn the conversation on something else other than myself, they're more open to talk.

basic points that should help you
-talk about yourself less; unless you're asked to speak on yourself
-talk less, LISTEN MORE. when the speaker is done talking, you should paraphrase what they just
said and say it back to them.

ex. John: I went to Cuba and I got laid. The girls over there were so easy it took me like four days to get with about three of them.
Chris: It only took you four days to get with three of them!?

-ask questions, but dont interview them. say a statement or two inbetween questions.
for example:

John: How was your vacation in Cuba?
Chris: It was kinda fun.
***John: I heard they got plenty of girls down in Cuba.
John: Did you see any pretty women?

If you're constantly asking a person questions, it's gonna be a fvcking interview. That's why I saw bust out a line or two before you ask another question.

this is mostly how i get through in convos with people who im not too familiar with. otherwise, the convos roll smoothly with people im cool with.

but tbh, you wont be a smooth at conversation until you try and talk to more people. its a skill that doesnt magically just drop into your lap. gotta work for it

I find this to be true. But does it work on you for EVERYONE you talk to or are some folks just antiscoial/paranoid as hell?

 

[Huffman]

I find this to be true. But does it work on you for EVERYONE you talk to or are some folks just antiscoial/paranoid as hell?

Yes, some people don't want to open up to you. In one way or another they don't trust you enough, but you can't always crack their shell. I try once or twice, then move on.

If nothing's at stake, why waste time on people who resist you? Best find another who reciprocates. With women or with friends in general.

 

[SayWhat]

Yes, some people don't want to open up to you. In one way or another they don't trust you enough, but you can't always crack their shell. I try once or twice, then move on.

If nothing's at stake, why waste time on people who resist you? Best find another who reciprocates. With women or with friends in general.

And how do you crack their shell?

 

[LiveYourDream]

And how do you crack their shell?

Genuinely caring and genuinely being interested works well.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

And how do you crack their shell?

Did you read Pook? He said to be truly interested in people and I find that to be true in regards to having them like you. I'm just wondering if others have issues sometimes being truly interested or opening people up.

 

[Serenity]

Concrete practically doable advice here, pay close attention and use your brain to analyze and try to understand it.

People who are interesting to talk to don't just ask boring distant questions. They don't make chat for the sake of making chat. What they do is pay attention to what's happening around them, they understand without being told. They soak in experience every single day. They are also genuinely interested in learning about other people. Their curiosity comes from within them, it's not an act of posing as interested for the sake of others to take an interest in them.

You're probably self-centered, people notice that on how you ask one super basic question after another. You don't actually pay attention to them, what they do, what's recently been going on in their lives and what they've shown an interest for. You don't ask because you take an interest in them, you ask because you want them to take an interest in you. They pay attention and because they do they notice this. Many of the questions you ask are things that are obvious to any other observant person in their lives, yet you have to ask about what everyone else can see.

Don't try to start conversations, learn by observations first. Then eventually you'll come to interesting questions based on what you've learned from your observations, it will be things you'll wonder about which you can't observe. When you ask them you immediately prove you're paying attention to them, since you wouldn't be asking that question without noticing X or Y about them.

If they break eye contact and start looking around, it means they're looking for a way out, the best you can do then is pull away and have a try again some other time. If you keep them stuck with you they'll be reluctant to give you second chances, they'll want to avoid another awkward conversation. If they're seeking eye contact with someone else while in conversation with you it's basically a very subtle way of saying "save me from this guy".

Try asking about someone else's opinion about something you're interested in. Like "how do you feel about X". Then just take it from there, but never stop paying attention to the person you're talking to. Try to really absorb what they're saying, think about it for just a couple of seconds then respond. Keep it in context, if you think of a joke related to it then don't hold back. Unless it's a subject that's not ok to joke about of course, like funerals and war and serious stuff.

I've spent some thought responding to your post, some effort. If your effort is equal to my effort you'll see improvements. Don't let this be another long post with great advice wasted on you. Get out there and show everyone you can do this sh!t good, make yourself and us proud.