Wants to be just friends. What should I say?

[casanova_goat]

Thought I’d provide a little update.

Before I say anything — while I am still, to an extent, interested in this chick, my feelings for her have waned considerably since I last posted. I grew weary of her nonsense and the special feeling I once had for her is no longer there. If my history be any indication, the feeling will never be recaptured. My drive to plow other women and low flying birds is back.

It’s actually a good situation to be in. I would “probably” be open to sleeping with her but I have dissociated myself emotionally enough to not get dragged in if it were to happen.

She contacts me pretty much everyday. I know some of you guys will give me flack for responding, even as tersely and disinterestedly as I have. However, I came to the realization shooting the $hit with a chick says nothing about my level of interest in her. I would talk to just about anyone unless she wronged me somehow.

I got a little dirty with her the other day and said I would “fvck her brains out”. She didn’t take offense with it and spoke of when it could be arranged.

At the same time, I feel I have regained some frame but saying less and responding more slowly. Most of it has come naturally as my interest has fallen.

Part of the impetus for writing now has to do with an exchange she and I had earlier. My head would have probably exploded from this exchange when I was in her orbit a few weeks ago. Now I merely sigh and get a little rankled. Here it goes (this through e-mail):

HER: Omg didn't get any sleep last night. How are you? (she told me last night she was going to a party. Trying to get a rise out of me?)

ME: I actually feel pretty refreshed for a change.

HER: That's good! I'm in kind of a bad mood

HER: I lost ur phone # actually I keep accidentally deleting people's numbers (‘accidentally’ yeah and I have a bridge to sell you)

ME: Is that why you are in a bad mood? (gave my number)

HER: Hahaha no but I was kinda annoyed at that. Just some issues that got brought up from my old relationship, very emotionally abusive

ME: Oh like what?

HER: Oh idk. It was very toxic, addictive and abusive for me. I just feel like **** thinking about it

I didn’t respond and went to the gym. After the workout I came out to a frowning smiley text. A little while later I told her I didn’t want to talk about her ex boyfriend and it was none of my business. She apologized profusely over two texts and vowed to never bring him up again. This was the first time she brought him up without my prodding.

I could have told you this weeks ago, in spite of all the missteps I made with her, there never was anything here to begin with. I could have played my hand right and still wound up in the same spot. In fact, it could have been worse if I played my hand too well. I could have sunken deeper into this mess then have to deal with her ex issues once she and I were exclusive.

I just thought I would update you guys. Don’t get too nasty. I have really been much more myself since I last posted.

Thx

 

[kenpiffyjr]

It's no problem man. We all have to learn some way. This was the best quote you had tho:

I could have told you this weeks ago, in spite of all the missteps I made with her, there never was anything here to begin with. I could have played my hand right and still wound up in the same spot

That is the truth! Good luck with future chicks

 

[casanova_goat]

It's no problem man. We all have to learn some way. This was the best quote you had tho:

I could have told you this weeks ago, in spite of all the missteps I made with her, there never was anything here to begin with. I could have played my hand right and still wound up in the same spot

That is the truth! Good luck with future chicks

Thanks! Meeting another chick -- which I should qualify by saying I like -- will really put the coup de grace on whatever measure of interest there still is for her.

A part of me wonders what the Vegas odds are she runs back to her abusive ex this summer. Or if her ex was really even that emotionally abusive, but merely how she construed his actions through the filter of her obsession.

They always say like attracts like and now I know why we attracted each other.

 

[nolesfan]

Unfortunately man, you are just a nice guy and haven't embraced this website's teachings yet. The fact that you talk about not having any experience with girls and then a girl is ready to throw herself at you and you don't take advantage of the opportunity, is constituting that you are a nice guy and you will continue to be taken advantage of by the girls you actually like until you flip the script and start adopting the ways of the Bible and the advice on this thread. Unfortunately you have no one to blame in this situation but yourself and I feel you are over analyzing it. Shes stringing you along because she is bored, as soon as someone comes along that she actually likes, she will never talk to you. You boost her ego letting her know that she is still attractive and blah blah blah. You need to ditch her and quit feeding into her games.

 

[casanova_goat]

Unfortunately man, you are just a nice guy and haven't embraced this website's teachings yet. The fact that you talk about not having any experience with girls and then a girl is ready to throw herself at you and you don't take advantage of the opportunity, is constituting that you are a nice guy and you will continue to be taken advantage of by the girls you actually like until you flip the script and start adopting the ways of the Bible and the advice on this thread. Unfortunately you have no one to blame in this situation but yourself and I feel you are over analyzing it. Shes stringing you along because she is bored, as soon as someone comes along that she actually likes, she will never talk to you. You boost her ego letting her know that she is still attractive and blah blah blah. You need to ditch her and quit feeding into her games.

Thanks -- I don't think I am that nice. And is there anything wrong with being 'nice'? Women want some of the qualities jerks tend to espouse but not necessarily the qualities which make such men jerks.

I have a life, many interests, and discrimination. Not having as much success with women as I would like is a confluence of circumstances, some of which are not in my control. The biggest thing right now is I don't live in a city. It would be a different story if I lived in a city and I have aspirations of moving to one. The expense of doing so is the main issue. When I visit NYC it's amazing how much more success I have with the "fairer" sex. Perhaps it is just volume but the women seem different down there.

By the way, which girl was ready to throw herself at me and I did not take advantage?

You're probably right about her only talking to me because she is bored and I give her attention she desperately seeks. However, I also think she is sexually bored and may look for me there when she comes back to town.

Hopefully I have someone else in my life or have moved elsewhere by then.

 

[nolesfan]

Thanks -- I don't think I am that nice. And is there anything wrong with being 'nice'? Women want some of the qualities jerks tend to espouse but not necessarily the qualities which make such men jerks.

I have a life, many interests, and discrimination. Not having as much success with women as I would like is a confluence of circumstances, some of which are not in my control. The biggest thing right now is I don't live in a city. It would be a different story if I lived in a city and I have aspirations of moving to one. The expense of doing so is the main issue. When I visit NYC it's amazing how much more success I have with the "fairer" sex. Perhaps it is just volume but the women seem different down there.

By the way, which girl was ready to throw herself at me and I did not take advantage?

You're probably right about her only talking to me because she is bored and I give her attention she desperately seeks. However, I also think she is sexually bored and may look for me there when she comes back to town.

Hopefully I have someone else in my life or have moved elsewhere by then.

As it relates to the being nice part, you really have to not give a fvck when it comes to women, they will sniff through any attempt at that unless you truly have that mindset....I feel like in what you have written so far, you are supplicating her instead of taking her hints, and saying something to her that you can't bare to say......goodbye.....in the long run, she will respect you and look at you in a much brighter light knowing that you had the balls and the confidence to say goodbye knowing that she knows you are in love with her.....as the old saying goes, the hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do, you need to man up and ditch this girl before she ruins you for a lot longer period than this post has been going on for haha

As for the girl throwing herself at you, she was tipsy and invited you into her house, and you denied her, take that opportunity, get an experience bro.....like my man riggins says " no regrets"

 

[nolesfan]

I think you need to read and read and read pook's kill the desperation......your focus is solely on women instead of yourself which is a horrible needy mindset........if you build yourself up first, just wait to see what women flock to you, trust me man, I've been there , good luck

 

[casanova_goat]

As it relates to the being nice part, you really have to not give a fvck when it comes to women, they will sniff through any attempt at that unless you truly have that mindset....I feel like in what you have written so far, you are supplicating her instead of taking her hints, and saying something to her that you can't bare to say......goodbye.....in the long run, she will respect you and look at you in a much brighter light knowing that you had the balls and the confidence to say goodbye knowing that she knows you are in love with her.....as the old saying goes, the hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do, you need to man up and ditch this girl before she ruins you for a lot longer period than this post has been going on for haha

As for the girl throwing herself at you, she was tipsy and invited you into her house, and you denied her, take that opportunity, get an experience bro.....like my man riggins says " no regrets"

Thanks.

I'm sure you can reach those conclusions (and be right) reading through this thread. I was gaga over this chick but my interest really has waned. The once conflagration of interest is now an ember. Even if I were still as interested in her, I feel this chick would need constant affirmation of my interest to know she has me. Why do I say this? Because I sense she is really insecure. I wasn't responding to her messages on Saturday because I was busy at an event out of town (and forgot) and her hamster wheel seemed to be spinning (based on her volume of messages). You see, based on how much I over-pursued early on, even if she and I were to still talk everyday, it could still be a huge departure from what it was. I feel I don't need to disappear off the face of the earth to get the point across that I don't care quite as much as I once had ... all because I was so attentive early and anything less will raise her eyebrows. You may disagree with me but it's really a moot point.

One thing I will like to say. Everyone here inculcates the importance of not giving a fvck and yes I can see how it can get a woman to chase. But, at the end of the day, do you really want to not give a fvck? Isn't it kind of dull to have a bunch of women in your life you don't give any fvcks about?

You may counter that a man has too great a calling in life to fritter with women. Yes true. But, candidly, how many people here really subscribe to not giving two fvcks? After all, we are on a forum exchanging ideas, theories, and prejudices to the end of succeeding with the opposite sex. Every dude here, to an extent, gives a fvck about the women in his orbit.

 

[nolesfan]

Not saying that you dont give a fvck about the girl, you cant give a fvck about the outcome......there is a huge difference and a different mentality......go into every situation with a girl thinking "lets see how much fun we can have, lets see what I can learn about girls from this one, and if something happens to materialize and I want that then good, if no, take the positives/negatives from the experience and move on"

 

[casanova_goat]

Not saying that you dont give a fvck about the girl, you cant give a fvck about the outcome......there is a huge difference and a different mentality......go into every situation with a girl thinking "lets see how much fun we can have, lets see what I can learn about girls from this one, and if something happens to materialize and I want that then good, if no, take the positives/negatives from the experience and move on"

Ah..ok.

I generally do have such a mindset -- perhaps I lost a handle on it with this chick. I don't enter anything with the expectation of something serious and I didn't here.

 

[casanova_goat]

Here’s another update. I haven’t spent much time on this forum — which is a good thing. No indictment against anyone here or the discourse. Rather my engagement with SoSuave is a barometer of my current situation with the opposite sex. Specifically, I stopped harping on this broad, each week my interest in her has waned, memories of me and her erstwhile charged with significance no longer move me. She and I have remained on good terms, communicating regularly. But I have gone back to my “prowling” mentality, seeking out this and that woman, with allegiance to none.

This past Sunday, I decided to pay a visit to the chick of this thread, to see her art show at her school an hour and a half away. I hadn’t seen her in over a month and with my feelings for her faded, there existed no fear of getting sucked back in. At least I thought. We spent a few hours together. She shared her nice art with me and at the end we retired to her room and had sex. It wasn’t my best “showing” for reasons I’ll refrain from citing. At one point she lay naked in bed next to me while I was fully clothed in my trendy ensemble, tie and tie bar remaining on. I suppose this how yuppies take their women? Still, she texted me the next day and spoke with excitement about two weeks, the next time she will be in town and we will see each other. She also said one of her roommates thought I was “really nice” and “cute” — which is exactly what I want. To make it clear I am a sought after commodity ; )

I have to say. Some of the feelings for her were rekindled. I had forgotten how beautiful she was and how much chemistry we have together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder … but absence in moderation. I know better than to come across as clingy but I am more mindful of what I say to her and us talking. For instance, today she and I did not talk and I was cognizant of it, whereas in the past few weeks I wouldn’t have given much thought to a day passing without us shooting the $hit.

By posting this, I also wanted to emphasize, as kenpiffyjr said: women are really in the moment. At one point it didn’t appear as if there was a snowflake’s chance in hell she would spread her legs for me, now she is. I also know she had come around to the idea before my interest in her really faded, so I can’t really say it was my indifferent behavior which has brought about these circumstances.

Anyway, thought I’d provide a little resolution to this thread for the annals of SoSuave.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

WHAT THE FVCK did I just read?! Yes they LIVE in the moment, captain obvious.

Blah blah yeah when you're young it's easily to get the slow bang, congrats I guess.

Side note: This Casanova dude has a gift for writing, future romance novel author in our presence!

 

[marmel75]

WHAT THE FVCK did I just read?! Yes they LIVE in the moment, captain obvious.

Blah blah yeah when you're young it's easily to get the slow bang, congrats I guess.

Side note: This Casanova dude has a gift for writing, future romance novel author in our presence!

I think there is a case to be made for a guy that is simply looking to get laid that "nexting" a woman is not always the right move as long as he isn't acting desperate and texting her and playing her stupid games, having oneitis, etc, you probably will be put in a situation that you could make something happen.

Sometimes timing isn't right, she isn't feeling it, etc, but all it takes is one time for that to change....

good job OP, not in small part for showing that "nexting" is not always the best idea as long as you don't have any expectations for something to happen and act accordingly.

 

[casanova_goat]

WHAT THE FVCK did I just read?! Yes they LIVE in the moment, captain obvious.

Blah blah yeah when you're young it's easily to get the slow bang, congrats I guess.

Side note: This Casanova dude has a gift for writing, future romance novel author in our presence!

Thanks for the compliment, whether it was made in jest or not. Funny you should mention romance novel, I have written eroticas for this chick in the past and she has eaten them up.

I didn't come here to brag about my sexual exploits. Believe me, there isn't anything to brag about there; I scarcely have the experience befitting someone my age. I just wanted to add this anecdote to the collection and a reminder of how fugacious a woman's affection or disinterest can be.

 

[Vivacity]

"Well, who knows what the hell her intentions are..."

Exactly. Almost all women will "check in on" a man, and we have discovered that this is almost always to gain some kind of resolution and to feel "better" about things. It usually involves her being relieved that she isn't rejected and that she could have you if she wanted to. They don't do this consciously or in a calculating way. If fact they are totally unaware that this is what they're doing.

I'd have to go back and re-read the thread to find clues... I don't have the time at the moment. Suffice it to say that neediness is a GIGANTIC turn-off to women. They revile neediness as much as we revile fat. I have felt sorry for fat girls before but have never been attracted to one.

You said that last night you asked her if she had romantic feelings after the time you had sex. All of this probing is explicitly and graphically showing her that you are needy.

Moving forward, your bottom-line MUST be this:

A woman is guest in YOUR life. You allow her in or disallow her. You both do what YOU decide to do until you have a committed relationship, in which case it's ok to once in a while do something she likes. NEVER, EVER ask her how she feels about you. They HATE that. Absolutely hate it. Women can only be attracted to a man whom they perceive to be above them on the social value scale. If you ask for validations from her, it's game over. Every time.

Every get-together must revolve around YOUR energy, not hers. You are the flywheel that keeps the momentum of the engine running. What to do comes from YOU. Where to eat comes from YOU. Again, she is a guest in your world, and guess what... She WANTS to be a guest in your world. A woman will not relax into her feminine energy unless and until she finds a man who will unashamedly and unapologetically take charge.

Women CRAVE a man who is a step or two above them. They cannot, I repeat cannot, date down. When you ask a woman if she likes you or how she feels about you, she becomes crushed inside because she wanted you to be strong. She wanted you to be above her. She wanted you to ASSUME that she MUST like you, and like you A LOT.

You need to find the balance between ****iness and niceness. The two are the yin and yang, the delicate balance of forces that make an authentic man. An authentic man IS INDEED very nice and respectful, but he also gives off the vibe that he is not to be trifled with, because severe repercussions will result. This is projection.

ASSUME, ASSUME, ASSUME. Assume that many women will like you (it is a fact that all women will not like you, but many will. Men cannot be universally attractive like women can). Assume that you are in control of your world. Assume that in a social situation that others look to you for fun, and even protection. This is what becoming a so-called alpha male is all about. Assume that others respect your presence. Assume that others will yield to you because they see you as socially and physically powerful.

But you don't think you are? ASSUME it anyway. Reality of the present moment has absolutely nothing to do with it. You ASSUME the role and demeanor of that which you aspire to be.

TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. Take what is rightfully yours on this earth. Take all the success you can, take what people give you (because as you become more powerful people start giving you things). Take control of your time, especially around other people. Take control of your responses to others (notice I didn't say "reactions" but rather, "responses"). Take compliments from others with a simple thank you.

Women WANT you to be more powerful and socially valuable than them. This is because they are physiologically wired to submit to you. Women WANT a man to submit to, but again, they can only submit to a man who takes charge and thereby frees her to relax into her feminine energy. Women SWOON over a nice, friendly man who takes ownership of his time, relationships, and space.

She wants to know that you don't "need" her, but rather "enjoy" her. She wants to know that you could walk away at any time and be happy and fulfilled. They HATE feeling needed by a man. Many of them don't really know that they hate it, but they do. She wants to be on your schedule as a guest in your world. Your world should be painted as fun, mysterious, exciting, explosive, calm, capable of eliciting any and every emotion out of her.

Finally, NEVER ask a woman for an exclusive relationship. This is up to her. She wants to work for you, believe me. When she works for the right to be with you she will value and savor it because she is invested. You know you've been doing it right when in a few months you hear the question, "So what are we?" Bagged & tagged.

Read the Book of Pook and the DJ bible.

Great post.

 

[casanova_goat]

For those that care (may not be many at this point) here is another update.

I once again saw the chick of this thread. On Saturday morning she called me and said she was in town (a day earlier than I expected) and suggested we hang out. So she came over late afternoon. We started to fool around in my bed and she mentioned not wanting to have sex because she thinks she has a yeast infection (sorry for the details but they are important). We made out and messed around quite a bit, though. I'll keep it PG for this thread. She said her roommate, whom I had met briefly, was obsessed with me. Her roomie told her she was "so happy for her" like the chick of this thread and I are in some sort of relationship (anything but). I was, at once, flattered and creeped out. But I appreciate her roomie, perhaps, boosting my stature.

It was up in the air whether we would hang out yesterday after she got back to town from her graduation. I hadn't heard from her so at like around 7 I texted her about hanging out. We bantered and she said it was a "long day" and suggested tomorrow. Ok, no problemo.

Well, here is where things get interesting. I may get chastised by some of you guys for knowing this information but it's good to know for my future. Back in March (perhaps after the last time she was in town), either she or her ex defriended the other on Facebook. Since yesterday or today, they are now friends again on Facebook. I can almost guarantee she either was with him yesterday or has plans to see him today.

One day, over a month ago, she brought up to me her thinking about her ex. She said some stuff had been "brought up" from her past relationship. She described the relationship as "toxic", "addictive" and "emotionally abusive". I texted her back and said I didn't want to talk about it and it quite frankly wasn't my business. She apologized profusely and vowed to never speak of him again. Now, ostensibly, she is on good terms with him. Like a junkie being on good terms with a needle.

Should I still proceed to see her after work? She goes back to college for the first summer session tomorrow.

I may have done wrong by knowing this about her, but, at the same time, it'll only help me better deal with the situation. IE: not get sucked in again.

 

[Yewki]

Seems to me you're looking for an LTR with this girl and she isn't 100% into you. Square peg, round hole.

So you have two options. Ride the wave and try to make it an LTR before it comes crashing down. Or walk away now and find a better girl.

 

[casanova_goat]

I am not really sure I am a relationship guy. Like many people, I like to fancy the idea of one without committing to one. I have to admit I am a being a bit territorial, at least insomuch as her ex is concerned. I also care about her welfare and if she is gonna run off with someone please let it not be the lord of all douchebags that is her ex. It's probably futile though. I think this chick craves a measure of toxicity in her relationship, thirsts for unhealthy domination and I don't quite give her those things.

She texted me before and wants to hang out. She forgot I was at work so the plan is to hangout later.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Be cool with it and soft next her. Friends is OK. ***** whipped orbiter is not. When she sees that you are getting on with your **** without her and are not bothered by her absence she will either a) reconsider and want to **** you again or b) get on with her **** because she doesn't want to **** you again anyway.

Keep frame and see other women...

 

[casanova_goat]

Be cool with it and soft next her. Friends is OK. ***** whipped orbiter is not. When she sees that you are getting on with your **** without her and are not bothered by her absence she will either a) reconsider and want to **** you again or b) get on with her **** because she doesn't want to **** you again anyway.

Keep frame and see other women...

We've already banged a few times since she friendzoned me but I know this thread is a long read.