Keep dreaming of the BPD ex

[BlueAlpha1]

I'll spare you the irrelevant details and just rehash the generalities. After 4.5 years of on/off & love/hate hysteria, my BDP ex disappeared off into the night seemingly for good this time, back in June (8-9 months ago now)

By all means, life has gone on, and I'm no longer crippled by this history. I am a functioning member of society with my own place, my own car, money coming in, and ambitions of continuing the world travel I started last year.

But sometimes I get nostalgic, angry or depressed for a night or two, then it goes away. Unfortunately it seems to return in my sleep, where I am dreaming of my ex no less than 1-2x a week. Sometimes they are dreams that invoke jealousy, as though she has found another man and finally solved her BDP hell with me only in the wake of her destruction. Sometimes it's of a reunion between us.

From a sober perspective I am aware of all the good reasons to never talk to her again, but am also covertly aware of the possibility that one text or email, whether I reply or not, could come and throw off my equilibrium. Since I don't drink or get high but for a few times a year, the drunk dial is never really a concern. However I am perturbed by the wild behaviors of the brain when the hardware that mitigates our thoughts and mood is completely put into off mode.

These demonesses never leave you the way they found you. You might as well have a tattoo on your forehead (oddly, she's got a tattoo of pendant I got her on her foot.) Most of all, I'm ashamed to still be posting about the woman who drove me to this board in 2013 in any capacity at all.

 

[Lozboss]

Mauser is right- as always.

Good on you for admitting it. Getting over a BPD can take years emotionally. Especially a prolonged exposure.

You will soon forget about her when someone who truly takes your breath away turns up. That's how things work.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I seem to recall you saying "you could handle her games, and were going to beat her at them" too.

Was that not you? Lol.

Wrong person. Unless it was years ago. Certainly haven't spoken like that in the last year or two.

 

[KingBeef]

I'll spare you the irrelevant details and just rehash the generalities. After 4.5 years of on/off & love/hate hysteria, my BDP ex disappeared off into the night seemingly for good this time, back in June (8-9 months ago now)

By all means, life has gone on, and I'm no longer crippled by this history. I am a functioning member of society with my own place, my own car, money coming in, and ambitions of continuing the world travel I started last year.

But sometimes I get nostalgic, angry or depressed for a night or two, then it goes away. Unfortunately it seems to return in my sleep, where I am dreaming of my ex no less than 1-2x a week. Sometimes they are dreams that invoke jealousy, as though she has found another man and finally solved her BDP hell with me only in the wake of her destruction. Sometimes it's of a reunion between us.

From a sober perspective I am aware of all the good reasons to never talk to her again, but am also covertly aware of the possibility that one text or email, whether I reply or not, could come and throw off my equilibrium. Since I don't drink or get high but for a few times a year, the drunk dial is never really a concern. However I am perturbed by the wild behaviors of the brain when the hardware that mitigates our thoughts and mood is completely put into off mode.

These demonesses never leave you the way they found you. You might as well have a tattoo on your forehead (oddly, she's got a tattoo of pendant I got her on her foot.) Most of all, I'm ashamed to still be posting about the woman who drove me to this board in 2013 in any capacity at all.

Just out of curiosity, are you dating anyone right now worthwhile?

 

[LiveYourDream]

Just getting over a 4.5 year 'normal' relationship would/could take a fair amount of time. A true BPD experience/break-up is not in the same stratosphere. The mind and heart fvcks are pretty much indescribable. You are unwinding layers upon layers of insanity projected upon you. Be kind to yourself. Don't judge the timing or your process. Skip the shame about posting about it. You are not alone. There are several here. I am unwinding an experience too.

If you have done all the ground work insuring no contact with her, her social media, etc, and are impeccable with that and you are filling your life with healthy choices that support your well-being and a new life, I'd say you you are on the right track, give it more time to clear out. I would also say that when she does pop in your thoughts to not engage them. Shift gears immediately and think about something else. Even if you have to physically go do something to get your mind off her/the experience. Unless you are specifically unpacking issues to learn from in a constructive way, do not allow your mind to stay focused there at all.

Those of us that are on the other-side of such an experience know, unless one has ridden the ride, no amount of reading about it will bring one close to understanding it. It's not a knowing one wants to have. Be kind and patient with yourself.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Well, in any case, the advice is solid and remains the same. I haven't spoke with the one I dated in 4 years, since we broke up. Saw her once in a mall, while I was walking hand in hand with my GF. Passed within 2 feet of her, while she looked at me, trying to get my attention. I walked by like she was a complete stranger, which was exactly what she deserved. The look on her face was priceless.



I might add that ignoring them is not only what SAVES you, but hurts them the most. So it is a win-win all around !!

This seems to be a negative thought process I can't get out of. Since she hasn't initiated in the slightest, I am hardly "ignoring" her. I just never followed up on the last text that she ignored 8 months ago. She left with all the hand. How much could that really hurt her anyway?

And I talked before about the insecurity that comes with the idea that she might have finally solved her problem in spite of me - either worked it out with the prior ex or found a new man altogether. Of course I know most men here will tell me they NEVER fix this. But jealousy is not rational.

I'd like to think that thanks to that tattoo she has to think of me every time she takes a shower or puts on a sock, but she was so reckless and impulsive it wouldn't shock me if she burnt it off the day she left.

At the very least I'm aware of the negative thought patterns, but breaking them forever is another story.

 

[bigneil]

BPD: a term used to describe a woman who is not that attracted to a man who wants to pretend that only a flawed woman wouldn't settle down with him.

 

[El Payaso]

Anytime you think or dream of her. Do 10 push ups. The negative thoughts will soon manifest themselves as visible positive results.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Anytime you think or dream of her. Do 10 push ups. The negative thoughts will soon manifest themselves as visible positive results.

Love it

 

[BlueAlpha1]

BPD: a term used to describe a woman who is not that attracted to a man who wants to pretend that only a flawed woman wouldn't settle down with him.

Rubbish. I don't take it personally that you downplay my situation, but you just thumbed your nose at about a thousand different posters who came here with posts just like mine. Congrats.

LiveYourDream summed it up best regarding the ignorance you show, but let me put it another way. You diminishing the fallout of these relationships signifies you've never been through one, yet you're ready to condescend to others about what they mean. This is like the virgin giving advice on how to get laid.

 

[LiveYourDream]

You diminishing the fallout of these relationships signifies you've never been through one, yet you're ready to condescend to others about what they mean. This is like the virgin giving advice on how to get laid.

Nailed It. Well said. Reading about BPDs and experiencing a BPD are not even in the same universe.

 

[Killakittie]

Rubbish. I don't take it personally that you downplay my situation, but you just thumbed your nose at about a thousand different posters who came here with posts just like mine. Congrats.

LiveYourDream summed it up best regarding the ignorance you show, but let me put it another way. You diminishing the fallout of these relationships signifies you've never been through one, yet you're ready to condescend to others about what they mean. This is like the virgin giving advice on how to get laid.

Im laying upstairs in my house right now in my bed. Right as I was about to doze off I happened to glance at the blinds which just happened to be moving in a way that it appeared to be a person outside on my deck. Immediately my bpd wife came to mind,knife in hand, here to surely kill me. It was just the fan blowing across the blinds. It sure as hell isn't funny.

 

[Glumix]

Dreams are here to show you the reality of your subconscious. They are the reality of your psyche.
They are here to help you heal and get over your exes.

Even if during the day you are well aware of how fvcked up your ex is and you do not break NC, your psyche is still not repaired. You can do 1'000 push-ups a day, you will not solve the problem deep in your head and the next girl you meet you will most probably fall the same way.

The girl in your dream is only a symbol. It's not your ex. She could be any woman. But your ex is the best symbol your psyche currently own so it uses it.

Face your dreams as you face your fears. They are not some bullsh!t in your head while you are sleeping. It's how you are on a subconscious level.

I personaly like to replay the dreams while awake and ask myself how I should behave in that situation with a better version of myself. And then I replay the dream with that new version. It's guiding me through the pain, fear, etc...

My personal preference is to mock her in all situations. I dishonor her in every possible way, physically and emotionaly. Remember, this is an image, not what you are going to do or be in real life. But that symbol of the witch, kill it and burn it. That will free your mind.

Then go for a run and do 1'000 push-ups at that point it's going to put yourself back in your conscious reality.

And yes, the day you will feel better, the dreams will disappear.

Immediately my bpd wife came to mind,knife in hand, here to surely kill me.

The knife is the phallic symbol of power as are all weapons. She certainly still have that power on you.
Disarm her, then kick her out of your house. You can even throw her out the window if you want.

 

[Atom Smasher]

This is why a man should never, under any circumstances, involve himself with the dreadful BPD woman. They penetrate into your very core as a man.

OP, I think you're dreaming about her and having these thoughts because your mind is starting to deal with it, resolve it and put it away. The dreams are a processing of emotion. Just let it run its course and develop a habit of cancelling thoughts about her when they pop up. That's self-reframing, a powerful tool.

 

[fastlife]

Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. Can't stress this enough. Took me about a month of constant meditation to start to feel better (and I was still living with the ***** lol, and she was pushing all the old buttons to try to get a reaction out of me--and I was just trying to hold it together long enough to avoid the worse repercussions of a BPD break up).

The thing is that if you're susceptible to enmeshment with a BPD woman, you have core issues--aspects of your subconscious mind that have faulty programming. So the girl left, but that faulty programming is still there. By meditating you can consciously rework your faulty programming; once you've started on that there'll be nothing left for her to attach to.

 

[Killakittie]

Where do you go to learn to mediate, it's something I've been wanting to try for awhile.

 

[searching solace]

This seems to be a negative thought process I can't get out of. Since she hasn't initiated in the slightest, I am hardly "ignoring" her. I just never followed up on the last text that she ignored 8 months ago. She left with all the hand. How much could that really hurt her anyway?

And I talked before about the insecurity that comes with the idea that she might have finally solved her problem in spite of me - either worked it out with the prior ex or found a new man altogether. Of course I know most men here will tell me they NEVER fix this. But jealousy is not rational.

I'd like to think that thanks to that tattoo she has to think of me every time she takes a shower or puts on a sock, but she was so reckless and impulsive it wouldn't shock me if she burnt it off the day she left.

At the very least I'm aware of the negative thought patterns, but breaking them forever is another story.

I'm in the same position, although it's only been about 6 weeks since last contact/3 months since breakup. She hasn't tried to contact me and I know she never will again. it was very final. She had been through too much with me, and I'm 99% sure she's seeing someone new.

Was there ever a stage where you wondered if you might have been the crazy one? The one with the problems? I've been dealing with regret and guilt for a while now and it's crossed my mind that maybe I was the one causing the problems. She always said I never appreciated her enough. Mine also got a tattoo of my name, after around 4 weeks together, but she got it covered recently.

I know it's hard but I guess the only thing you can do is keep going and just try not to care about how she is with any new guy. It doesn't matter anymore and secretly hoping that she is having the same issues isn't productive for anyone including yourself. Life sucks sometimes.

 

[fastlife]

@Killakittie This is my visualization of choice. The narrator's goofy, but it works for me. I try to set aside ~30 minutes twice a day, once when I wake up and once before I go to bed. Most days I only hit once--when I was still living with my ex I was meditating 5x a day.

But anyway, say you have 30 minutes. I use the following template (roughly):

1.) First 10 minutes. Just getting in touch with my body. I used to have a disconnect between my body and my head--I lived in my head. The only time I didn't was when I was drunk or around a beautiful girl--which, consequently, were the only time I was sexually confident. So I spend 5 minutes just being like This is my body, it feels good to be inside of my body. I feel good. I accept who I am. I'm complete.

If you still have any feelings for your ex--negative, positive, love, hate, anger, resentment, etc.--really work on accepting your emotions. I accept that I feel this way. I am responsible. I forgive her. I forgive myself.

2.) Next 5 minutes. I visualize myself accomplishing everything I need to complete that day (or the next). I focus on conjuring the emotion I'll get from completing that task. So I'll picture my work inbox clear, I'll picture my list of phone calls I need to make being dialed, I'll picture myself lifting weights.

3.) Third 15 minutes. I'll visualize my longer term goals being accomplished. I'll picture that check in the mail from a project I'm trying to put out there. I'll visualize myself ****ing my ideal girl--or a girl I already know and just imagine how it'll feel. (Note--I don't go in for any voodoo, Law of Attraction-mysticism, but I do believe that your thoughts influence your environment; and if nothing else, when you get the opportunity to pull the trigger on that girl or on that business offer you'll be able to act confidently because in your head, it has already happened).

4.) Final 5 minutes. I just fill my head with positive thoughts: I'm the ****. Everyone loves me. Every girl wants to sleep with me. None of these thoughts need to follow any deductive logic. Why am I the ****? Because I am. LOL.

The idea is that insecurity is when you're self-love/self-worth feedback loop is open--I'm an OK person because this girl loves me or I'm an OK person because I drive a nice car and have a good job and have a nice house. That feedback loop is cool, but what happens when the girl leaves you? What happens when your car breaks down, you lose your job, your house gets closed? Are you suddenly a ****ty person?

LOL **** that. You're still the person you were when you were on top of things--the only change is external circumstance. In a BPD relationship, the BPD serves as a proxy to our self love--we need pour our love into them to have it reflected back to us. It's based on a childhood concept that love transactional--If I fail this test, my parents won't love me or Momma's upset, it must be my fault. Neither of those statements are true--in fact they're ridiculous. But as a child you're the center of the universe--everything is all good or all bad, and if things are bad you internalize that it's your fault.

The idea is to close those feedback loops to everything external to yourself. So for instance--Girl rejects me, I'm the ****. Boss didn't like my project--doesn't matter, I'm the ****. And the funny thing is is that after you've really internalized those positive beliefs other people will begin to treat you that way and you'll be free to act more confidently and competently and won't expend energy on doubts, worries, etc.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I'm in the same position, although it's only been about 6 weeks since last contact/3 months since breakup. She hasn't tried to contact me and I know she never will again. it was very final. She had been through too much with me, and I'm 99% sure she's seeing someone new.

Was there ever a stage where you wondered if you might have been the crazy one? The one with the problems? I've been dealing with regret and guilt for a while now and it's crossed my mind that maybe I was the one causing the problems. She always said I never appreciated her enough. Mine also got a tattoo of my name, after around 4 weeks together, but she got it covered recently.

I know it's hard but I guess the only thing you can do is keep going and just try not to care about how she is with any new guy. It doesn't matter anymore and secretly hoping that she is having the same issues isn't productive for anyone including yourself. Life sucks sometimes.

There was never a stage where I questioned whether I was the problem or the troublemaker. However I did question my confidence (which reached level 0 at times) & my sanity to keep going back to the same old song and dance. But it was always fairly clear, she was the cancer.

Meditation is something I've been doing for a few months already and it has helped with life in general. Mitigating anger & outbursts, flipping negative loneliness into positive solitude, & perpsective about the present moment vs. always living in the past or future. It is a very valuable practice.

However, the meditation is not a be all, end all cure for the PTSD that is one of these relationships ending. The bold above is the hardest part. The idea that these demons with fake angelic wings can ride off into the sunset without a care in the world invalidates the entire content of those 4 years, or however long it lasted. On the other hand, its probably not so and is just our own insecurity talking. They likely have their triggers too.

What bothers me is the dreams, like I stated. The meditations also don't stop those.

 

[BeExcellent]

But in time it will improve. My mom is a BPD/NPD. Lots of reprogramming I had to do over many years. The constant message she gave me growing up was "you are nothing but selfish" when I was a child who had to depend on my parents, and "you'll never amount to anything". Thank heavens I was born with a rebellious "Oh, yeah, watch THIS" streak and thank heavens I had an amazing Father (who had the good sense to divorce her.)

I first reached a point where I understood she was the broken one and I tried to accept that and love her where she was at so to speak, but she kept making all sorts of efforts to manipulate me, and my family (meaning my spouse and minor kids). So 6 years ago I went no contact. Best decision ever. I was ready and did not have any subconscious signature. My Dad did however and still has a little even though he has been remarried 30 years to a good woman. He still carries irrational guilt over leaving my mom (he knew she was damaged so didn't place 100% responsibility for her crazy on her).

Your mind is trying to reconcile things.

Meditation is very helpful. So too can goal setting be helpful. Your mind is trying to figure out what pattern is supposed to be there if this one (with BPD women) is incorrect. Your mind could care less, it simply internalizes the stimuli that it gets as the good and powerful servant of your conscious mind. Your ex left quite an impression in your subconscious and your mind has to try and reconcile all the "high" and good feelings in light of all the damage.

If you write down a list of all the qualities your ideal (HEALTHY) woman will have and put that list somewhere you will see it every day this will tell your subconscious over time what the correct pattern is supposed to be. Over time (and by depriving your mind of real interaction with your ex) your mind will start to actively recognize women with the qualities on the list you create. This will take time.

The whole process will take time. But you can do it. I am super proud of myself having overcome all the negative programming of my mom. It was a process and took years.

Forgive yourself and create your list. You can look at it on your phone during a meeting (put it in your notes), post it on your shaving mirror, whatever. You need to see it daily. Your mind will go "Oh - right - that is what we are sweeping for - got it." Each time you see it after you establish the habit consciously of reviewing it daily.

You will heal. Allow yourself the time and grace to heal.