Part 2
The following is simply an offering of how I came to this point and my gratitude. If you are inclined, curious or find it helpful to read, it's included for you. If not, it makes no difference to me.
I (and others) called out a sociopath here last week for his deception. I called him out as a coward. In that moment I knew I was being a coward too. I was by omission being dishonest with all of you. The sociopath has zero conscience. That’s right none. I am at the other end of the spectrum. Thus, this sharing with all of you.
When I created my user ID, I wondered if I needed to disclose. I felt I should but I expected that once I confessed that I would be shamed, judged and asked to leave. I did not want to give up all the wisdom and insight that is here. I convinced myself that as long as I remained silent about it, that I was not hurting anyone. That’s what I believed and continued to tell myself anyway.
Overtime I found myself appreciating so many of you. I found myself following your journeys, rooting you on inside myself, wishing the best for you and looking to see what you shared next. I learned so much from you as well. I learned so much from the archives as well.
Unexpectedly, a time came where it became too hard to remain silent, when I felt I could offer some insight that I felt might actually help someone in a meaningful way. Again, I felt torn as I was a female and you didn’t know. I told myself that if my words had benefit to you they would stand on their own merit and you could take them or leave them as you chose. I was not wishing to inflict my thought process upon anyone, but simply looking to offer perspective when I thought it might help. So I did.
I never meant to hurt anyone. I am sorry if I have in anyway.
I offer a heartfelt apology to each of you.
I am aware there will be judgements and assumptions about what kind of woman, let alone at 45, would invest time on a site like this. Google brought me here when I searched No Contact. The growth and support displayed in those threads and archives inspired me. It gave me the inspiration to step back and really evaluate myself, my own beliefs and situation.
I came here believing there is good in everyone and at the core, everyone just wants to be themselves, love and be loved. Turns out, with those beliefs, I was the perfect target for someone looking to con and manipulate a woman, for personal gain. I never suspected. I was naive. I got taken, big time.
When I began to see behind the mask, he threatened my life. I lived in fear. I still do. I am doing my best to get out of this, not just alive, but better and wiser for the experience. The more I looked, I found about 98% (and that is being generous) of who this man portrayed himself to be, was a fabrication of lies, for all five and half years.
I met him when I contracted him to build a house for me. In the first two years he was a hero to me, only for me to realize, while I have a beautiful home, all else was a facade, as was the relationship that followed. As behavior went from amazing to crazy making, I recognized he shares the characteristics of BPD. Then I realized NPD as well. The more I unraveled the deception, the more I was rocked to the core that someone would purposely deceive another in such a way.
Turns out the amazing man that played the part of a hero to me, is a sociopath, every characteristic positive. He has no conscience. I have since learned he has a wake of victims in his past for which he has always walked away from without a thought, without regret and without a consequence, other than the inconvenience of having to begin again. Sociopaths bore easily. They like new targets and new games.
Reading the sociopath here post about his current targets and future plans of manipulation triggered me. Reading the more frequent posts, from the increasing numbers of others here, who also believe being a DJ is about who can best deceive a woman to give up puzzy the fastest and longest have been disheartening for me. That’s just me. My own values are different.
I am not sharing to gain sympathy or to portray myself as a victim, but simply to offer understanding. My post yesterday about constricted perspectives came from just that, trying to help people who get stuck in seeing themselves as victims. I have had plenty of unfortunate experiences. I know I am not alone. I am wiser and more aware as a result. I choose to move forward embracing life and focusing on what I’d like more of, rather than what I’d like less of.
Words could never touch the sadness I feel in reading how men experience women these days. It is heart breaking to me. I wish our world was one where people felt safe to drop their facades, just be themselves, and love one another freely. I believe that’s what we all really want at our deepest core, if we could have it anyway we wanted. I get that is fantasy or farther off than I can conceive.
What can be real, is me choosing to reveal myself in full authenticity, and to focus on learning to love myself unconditionality. I believe the best relationships come from overflow, not emptiness wanting to be filled by another or seeking to fill another. I believe in love. I believe our truest essence is loving. I believe we must know and source loving, from the inside-out or we will forever feel empty. I believe it is possible for a man and a woman to truly love one another, from a place of love overflowing from within. That’s just me and the relationship I desire.
I wish all of you the best in every way. I wish that somehow, some way, loving finds each of you, more than you ever imagined possible.
Peace.
LYD
