How do you get her back after "let's be friends" in Western-world pickup?

[SSSlawik]

Hi, guys! I'm from Ukraine (Europe) and I'm wondering what the current trend in Western-world pickup is regarding situations when a girl offers you to be "friends" after some period of communication. If you do not consider the option of simply forgetting about the girl, but want to try to get her back, then in such situations, as a rule, in the "Ukrainian pickup", the recommendation is that you need to stop communicating with her, get (and show) improvement in life, and then after some time try to seduce her again.

So I thought you might have some general recommendations on this topic and specific recommendations for my situation.

My story is as follows.

1. Met a girl, she is 31 years old, accidentally saw her somewhere on FB, decided to invite her for coffee - she immediately agreed. At first, after the meeting, I had the impression that we had not found a "contact", because she was visibly uncomfortable, and I even thought that I would not offer her anything further. But she later wrote to me that she liked everything, so I decided to continue. She showed interest in me, flirted, etc. Had sex two weeks after i met her. After our first time at my place she often invited me to her place, showed initiative, etc. Had meetings 1-2 times a week.

2. She seemed to demonstrate that, in principle, she wanted a serious relationship, but we have never formally announced that we are in a relationship. I confess that for a certain time I had doubts about her and was not sure whether I wanted something more serious.
This sort of our communication lasted for three months.

3. At some point I felt a certain detachment from her and a coldness. She finally told me that only six months before we met, she broke up with the guy with whom she lived together for a very long time. She said that they broke up because of his multiple betrayals, and the other day (that is, after our last meeting with her at that time) he contacted her and wanted to reconcile. She said that the past relationship is the past and it cannot be returned, but now she has an emotional mess in her head, and wants to work through the trauma before starting something new. That is, she suggested that we take a break.
I didn't really know at the time if she wanted to get back with her ex and if she was telling the truth, but now I understand that she was obviously considering such a possibility at the time.

4. Later, after a couple of days, I tried to contact her, she made complaints to me that I wasn't emotional enough with her and asked "do you see a spark between us?". She said that she is not ready for a serious relationship now, but we can be "friends". I answered that I like her, I don't want to be only friends. She again tried to bring up the topic of her ex and made some minor claims against me. I have admitted some mistakes and suggested that instead of crying over the correspondence, we should come to her place and get drunk together. She agreed, I arrived and we had sex.
Next days she continued to write to me from time to time, but I immediately noticed that she was a little less enthusiastic, avoided flirting. Had one another meeting at her place with sex.

5. After the last meeting, she became even less enthusiastic, at that time she started her period. When I tried to contact her again, she said that she had feelings for me, but at some point she lost them and now she has "warm friendly feelings" for me.
I realized that by continuing to communicate now, I will only make things worse and will not get anything from her. Therefore, I tried to end the conversation on a more positive note: made some "inside jokes", she responded positively. Informed her that that I already bought her a present for her birthday (took down a photo of the present, because I really bought it) - and joked that now I need to give it to charity. Her reaction was rather positive.
After that we stopped to communicate. It was one month ago.

6. I stopped contacting her in any way, although I didn't delete her from social media. All this month, she views all my stories on Instagram and FB, and also periodically likes my photos. I periodically publish various interesting photos, and of course I communicate with other girls.

7. My plan is that now I will take a break for another month, maybe during this time her emotions will calm down, she will forget some negative things towards me and her ex-boyfriend (or reconcile with him it is beyond my influence). After that, on a positive note, without returning to the topic of our last conversation, I plan to ask her out. If she doesn't agree, I'll just forget about her. But I have doubts about how to conduct this date if she will agree, how to behave and what to say to try from a new page. And if it won't be too long break (one month for now and plus one more month).
What is your experience guys, how often have you returned girls in similar cases and what recommendations can you give?

 

[SW15]

In the United States, it's very difficult to escape the friend zone. The best chance to escape the friend zone is to refuse it. Ending all contact with her outside a romantic context might force her to reconsider. In most cases, it will end the interaction as there will be no friendship and no romantic relationship. That's still better than being her emotional tampon when not attracted to her.

I think it is possible to have a female friend when you're not physically attracted to her. I also think there are better uses of time that a male-female platonic friendship even in those cases.

At the same time, having female friends is a key part of having a social circle. It is true that social circle is great for getting a girlfriend for the men with fortunate enough situations in life to have them. Pay close attention to the words "a girlfriend". That means one girlfriend. If you're looking for an extended relationship (2-5 years or more), your best bet for getting that with the least amount of grief and frustration is social circle.

For men with social circles, the problem with the social circle method eventually becomes sustainability as social circles get pissed at men who continually exchange girlfriends, even if the relationships are semi-long (1-4 years). The behavior described in the last sentence is serial monogamy, so it is accurate to say that social circles get pissed off at serial monogamists. It is important to remember that social circles generally have a blue pill viewpoint on romantic relationships. A man might be able to pull 2 LTRs from a social circle without marrying one. After 2 instances, he will have typically bled the social circle dry.

Over the longer term, the better skill set to develop is approaching strangers and creating extended relationships with strangers. In the short term, it is likely more painful though.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You don't. You move on with your life and date other women and stop worrying about her.

Ironically, if anything is going to work, that's it...you simply stop caring.

 

[SSSlawik]

At the same time, having female friends is a key part of having a social circle.

But still, you don't form it with girls, who "let's be friends" you

You don't. You move on with your life and date other women and stop worrying about her.

I accept the fact that most likely this girl is already a dead number. On the other hand, I see no reason to be so categorical and not at least try. I have nothing to lose.

This sort of things is what you should have done from the beginning, don't matter if she broke up a day or a month.

Unfortunately, I realized it in this situation when it was too late. The last meetings, albeit with sex, but it was a continuation of the inevitable breakup back then. That's why part of my strategy now is to highlight more interesting things about my life on social media, where she follows me. However, I'm not doing it specifically for her and not in a way that even casts doubt that it's for her. I continue to meet other girls on social media and it helps with them as well.

 

[SW15]

But still, you don't form it with girls, who "let's be friends" you

I agree. If you want to go the social circle route in life, do it with someone who didn't give you the "let's be friends" excuse.

In your specific situation, you just need to walk away entirely.

 

[SSSlawik]

In your specific situation, you just need to walk away entirely.

What seems to be the problem with trying? Provided you are not getting emotionally attached to the result

 

[SW15]

What seems to be the problem with trying? Provided you are not getting emotionally attached to the result

Time is finite. You have better uses of your time.

 

[SSSlawik]

Yes you are, stop with the bs and she knows that too. You're acting like a woman, who posts positive things so the ex will know "how happy she is now with her new life"

Well. but i DO have interesting events in my life and was posting this sort of media before even met her. They DO help you a lot if you are getting aquiented through social media (like FB, instagram). It's not like i am talking about posting obvious bait-pictures with girls
But i do agree that i consider it as a tool in my plan too

Time is finite. You have better uses of your time.

Like what, i will get too old to meet with another girls if i would try to reconnect with this one? In any worse scenario I will get expirience. But to me it seems that it would be better to make a shot using some advice from people who had this kind of expirience and can guide you in some things, rather than make a try blindly.

A choice of walking away entirely is a choice, that i can make at any point of time anyway

 

[The Duke]

Well. but i DO have interesting events in my life and was posting this sort of media before even met her. They DO help you a lot if you are getting aquiented through social media (like FB, instagram). It's not like i am talking about posting obvious bait-pictures with girls
But i do agree that i consider it as a tool in my plan too


Like what, i will get too old to meet with another girls if i would try to reconnect with this one? In any worse scenario I will get expirience. But to me it seems that it would be better to make a shot using some advice from people who had this kind of expirience and can guide you in some things, rather than make a try blindly.

A choice of walking away entirely is a choice, that i can make at any point of time anyway

Everyone here has basically told you the same thing, yet you keep trying to justify your burning desire for this girl that doesn't want you.

You like to fight uphill battles with women? Its so much easier to find a new girl than it is to convince one to let you back in.

Go find other girls. Doing so fixes so many of these problems.

The one who cares the least has the most power. You want this girl back, then stop caring so much. Nothing dries up pu$$y more than a guy who is outcome dependent. Thats how females act.

 

[SSSlawik]

Nothing dries up pu$$y more than a guy who is outcome dependent. Thats how females act.

Well, it's a matter of perspective and how will you act. I do want to get her back, but i already accepted prevalent outcome that it won't happen.
Some people manage to get their ex-girlfriends back and we all understand their motivation. I want to take a try, so this is why created this topic.
A believe at least some of the members of the forum had such expirience.

 

[The Duke]

Well, it's a matter of perspective and how will you act. I do want to get her back, but i already accepted prevalent outcome that it won't happen.
Some people manage to get their ex-girlfriends back and we all understand their motivation. I want to take a try, so this is why created this topic.
A believe at least some of the members of the forum had such expirience.

Multiple times Ive gotten back with exes.

Here's how ya do it......
1. Put forth little to no effort.
2. Go find other girls.
3. Don't be afraid to tell her you were seeing others. Give zero details.
4. If she reaches out, then go out with her. Don't make it easy for her.

 

[MatureDJ]

It's OVER for Let'sBeFriendsCels. Oh sure, it might ON again decades hence, but you have been placed in a parking orbit until she can no longer attract Chad.

 

[MatureDJ]

3. At some point I felt a certain detachment from her and a coldness. She finally told me that only six months before we met, she broke up with the guy with whom she lived together for a very long time. She said that they broke up because of his multiple betrayals, and the other day (that is, after our last meeting with her at that time) he contacted her and wanted to reconcile. She said that the past relationship is the past and it cannot be returned, but now she has an emotional mess in her head, and wants to work through the trauma before starting something new. That is, she suggested that we take a break.
I didn't really know at the time if she wanted to get back with her ex and if she was telling the truth, but now I understand that she was obviously considering such a possibility at the time.

Wow, this sounds like something that had happened to me, although the reason was not cheating, but rather being transferred to a job far away. I took the "break" as being complete, although she reached out to me a few times for some dry hookups. I think after her, I had decided to start GeoMaxxing.

 

[parabellum]

You lost me at 31 yo brother.

jk. My answer would be, you don’t. Moving on is a better use of your time.

 

[BadBoy89]

Met a girl, she is 31 years old

It’s in a man’s DNA to know how to act with a woman over 30.

Now if the girl was 21, OK. 31? She is done and done,

 

[Gameplayer007]

Hi, guys! I'm from Ukraine (Europe) and I'm wondering what the current trend in Western-world pickup is regarding situations when a girl offers you to be "friends" after some period of communication. If you do not consider the option of simply forgetting about the girl, but want to try to get her back, then in such situations, as a rule, in the "Ukrainian pickup", the recommendation is that you need to stop communicating with her, get (and show) improvement in life, and then after some time try to seduce her again.

I didn't read the story OP, I'll be flat out honest I read the first part about the "Ukrainian pickup" which made me jump to replying to say I respectfully disagree. Here's the thing from what I've learned: You could either stand your ground, let her know you want to date, and tell her to reach out to you (going No contact). OR, and I recommend this which partially is what you said but modified, you improve your life and find someone better. Here's the thing I've learned both from a coach and from experience, its better to date and find a girl that has a high interest level with you vs. a low interest girl. Yeah you could "bulk up" "improve your life" whatever term you want to say. But it doesn't matter if you still show a high level of interest in her and she retains a low level interest. A girl who has and reciprocates a high interest is worth more of my time rather than a girl that doesn't have a high level of interest.

I would say the biggest fallacy in improving your life for you to seduce her again, is no different than trying to jump through hoops of fire for her affection. If you did that, but she still rejects you then what's the point of improvement?

In my current journey I've decided not to date for now until I achieve certain goals in becoming a better me. But I mention that because that should be the focus for now, improving and taking care of yourself rather than thinking "improving my life for her." Women do not care about your self-improvement. I hate to say that but honestly I've experienced it. They want a man who can provide and get the job done NOW. Not later. Not in a minute. NOW. They want the package deal complete, not in installments. Not all, but a good majority do. I talked with some girls over the course of the month before going on this hiatus and honestly, lot of good experience in different ways. But the common thing is, your journey is your journey not theirs. They're free to join if they'd like, but you can lead a horse to water not make it drink it. If she shows an honest and real high interest that she reciprocates, you won't need to "self-improve for her." Women make it easy for you when they really like you. And that's better than having to jump through hoops of fire, imo.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

in the "Ukrainian pickup", the recommendation is that you need to stop communicating with her, get (and show) improvement in life, and then after some time try to seduce her again.

Something along these lines except don't "try to seduce her again." Western women have a way of circling back.

But more importantly you just gotta do your own life and forget about her - easy come, easy go. Improve your life for your sake; don't make it performative. Lots and lots of women out there for you.

IME women can go from friends to lovers to friends quite easily, it's just that most men let their egos get in the way and muck things up. Calling anything "the friend zone" to me is just another frame surrender. If she says you're her friend, let her. But here's the thing. You get to define you before anyone else. So just be the Ukrainian playboy that got away (or whatever you want) and forget about what she says. Life's too short to live it in other people's paradigms. (Respect her boundaries but not her attempts to set your frame, if that makes sense.)

 

[SSSlawik]

Your self-respect?
And any respect she may have had for you.

Yet again, it's a matter of perspective. If you think of yourself as the one who humiliate yourself - well, then you are humiliating yourself. As for her respect towards me, it is of no value for me if we won't communicate ever as lovers anyway.

It’s in a man’s DNA to know how to act with a woman over 30.
Now if the girl was 21, OK. 31? She is done and done,

What do you mean, how the fact that a girl is 21 changes this situation more towards "ok"?

You could either stand your ground, let her know you want to date, and tell her to reach out to you (going No contact)

But in this scenario you shift any burden towards the girl and as far as we all know they are not particularly like responsibilities.

Something along these lines except don't "try to seduce her again." Western women have a way of circling back.

Well, i certainly can't be any reliable source with respect to statistic on this topic. But here in Ukraine most of the women are surprisingly insecure and will be beating around the bush, but won't contact you first. And I actually had multiple stories where after certain time i successfully reconnected with the girls just by reaching them first. Like the girls whom you didn't call to the second date or who flaked.

 

[The Diver]

I do want to get her back

Getting your ex back is like having a shower and putting your dirty underpants back on.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

Well, i certainly can't be any reliable source with respect to statistic on this topic. But here in Ukraine most of the women are surprisingly insecure and will be beating around the bush, but won't contact you first. And I actually had multiple stories where after certain time i successfully reconnected with the girls just by reaching them first. Like the girls whom you didn't call to the second date or who flaked.

Nothing wrong with doing that generally. Honestly, whatever you do, as long as you're not kidding yourself and you're congruent, it's all good. However I personally would put her on ice for a while.