How to Handle Being Dumped, Stood Up, or Rejected

I see there are still a lot of guys digging themselves into deep holes every time they're dumped by their girlfriend or rejected by someone they’ve been involved with. They want to know how to win them back, but don't have a clue how to do it.

Rather than write this as an instructional tip, I decided to share a number of true examples in which the advice speaks for itself.


Example #1

Earlier this year I met a girl in a 3 year LTR. She admitted she was attracted to me and started developing feelings for me. Things with her boyfriend were turning stale and in the end she decided to break up with him and pursue a relationship with me.

I felt flattered and rather ****y knowing I had just won this girl from her long term boyfriend. Things were going well, she didn’t want to talk to him and every time he called she brushed him off. Her friends praised me, she was proud to be with me and things were developing fast.

However, her ex-boyfriend suddenly changed his attitude and instead of getting jealous of me or upset over being dumped, he gave us his best wishes, told her there were no hard feelings and he moved on. He started hanging round with his friends more and stopped calling her. After two weeks of not hearing from him she started calling him to check if he was ok and see what he was upto, only to find he was fine and enjoying his free time. Soon she started pushing him to remain friends and asking him to meet up with her. He postponed, cut his calls with her short and even stood her up a few times. Yet she persisted more.

All this time I could see it was getting under her skin and that I was losing her affection. I could have been the perfect guy, but he had the upper hand and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Every time he made an excuse not to meet her or ignored her call, she would get uptight and keep moaning about him. Sure enough she told me she wanted him back. She left me and started pursuing him all the time, but he continued backing off. She became obsessed and depressed, wouldn’t look at another guy and even burst out crying if he didn’t answer her calls. Next thing I hear, they’re back together under his terms. He had her in the palm of his hand, even cheated on her and she still stuck with him and remained loyal.


Example #2

During my AFC days, I was brushed off by a short term girlfriend. She told me she needed time to herself blah blah, but she wanted to stay friends. I took that to mean I could win her back, so I called her and text messaged her regularly, only to keep getting brushed off. I asked her to meet up and she refused or stood me up.

I then found David DeAngelo’s Double your Dating and started applying some things I learned. I tried being more ****y and arrogant with her, tried being a jerk, tried being more bold, started standing upto her and eventually it scared her away completely and she completely ignored and avoided me. She even told her friends I was acting weird and it was freaking her out.


Example #3

I had a few dates with a girl some months ago. We didn’t hit it off particularly well, but there was some physical attraction. After the 4th date she sent me a text message telling me she felt no chemistry and we should stop seeing each other. I replied by telling her “You’re right. No hard feelings”.

The following day she contacted me again asking if we could give it another try. I told her no, she was right there was no chemistry. She called me to have a go at me and insult me, then called me a few hours later to apologise. I told her it was no problem, but I was on my way out so I couldn’t stay and chat. She started sending me flirtatious text messages and emails, suggesting we get together for sex. I ignored them. Soon I started receiving anonymous calls and text messages (which I suspected and later proved was her). Almost a year later, she still sends me occasional emails asking if I want to meet up.


Example #4

A female friend of mine was in a relationship for 2 years with a typical AFC/“nice guy”. He’d buy her gifts, pay for her and do anything for her. She flirted with guys in front of him and he’d just sit there like a goof and say nothing. Then she finally accepted he was “too nice” and decided to break up with him.

At first he cried and took it really badly. He confessed his love for her and asked how he could change. Meanwhile she started fvcking another guy in secret. Every time this new guy was mean to her, she’d call her old boyfriend and he’d take her out and buy her gifts etc. Then she’d ignore him for weeks after.

Next time she tried to contact her ex- he finally acted like a man. He told her it was over, he wasn’t interested in being friends any more and she should stop calling him. She did the exact opposite and started calling him more. He started ignoring her and she started getting upset and moaning to her friends about how she regrets leaving him and she was stupid for letting him go.

Months have passed and she still tries to contact him. She recently found out he has a new girlfriend and since then she has been crying herself to sleep at night, looking through old photos and listening to their favourite songs. She has said she would take him back within a second, has begged him to give her another chance, but he has refused.


Example #5

I started getting interest from a very attractive girl and so I decided to ask her out. She seemed very keen and we arranged our date. The day came and she flaked out on me, sending me a last minute text message saying she was too busy. I never replied.

Next time I saw her I was polite, showed no hard feelings, but I spent the night talking to her friend. The flakey girl kept trying to get my attention, kept glancing at me all night and looked really uncomfortable. Eventually she left and I casually waved bye to her and continued talking to her friend.

Two days later, she called me (I missed the call), then emailed me a dramatic apology, telling me how she regretted not meeting me and wanted another chance. I waited two days then sent her a text message asking if she wanted to meet. She replied within 10 seconds and her friend told me she had been moping for days, checking her phone and her email to see if I would get back to her. We did go on our date, but I’m seeing someone else now so I didn’t pursue it further than that.



Conclusion

People place higher value what they can’t have or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and you make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted, don’t try to seduce them, NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes, don’t try to be friends, don’t change who you are or put on any acts, just cut them off and get on with your life. If they try to get in contact, be polite, but indifferent and don’t give them your time. Your time now is for other things and other people! Finally, if and when you do take them back, do so on your own terms and continue letting them know you can’t be taken for granted!

This is old advice and a golden rule, but hopefully the examples I’ve given have helped illustrate and emphasise this point.

Very good post. I've had similar experiences with my ex girlfriends who I thought I have lost forever because unfortunately I was an AFC. Once, I turned it around and became more of a confident man, they wanted me back or wanted to give it another try. Women, can you believe that?

Now, I do things to make myself valuable like a diamond. Every girls wants a diamond and not a cubic but they're both as equally abundant. Do and act the way that makes your presence valuable and your time scarce for her.

Women don't usually feel the love until it's GONE. And they will take the good or most emotional parts of each particular relationship and hold on to them...giving her the feeling of love..sort of like when you listen to a song and it brings back memories. She even remembers the afcs.

Unless the guy is a rebound relationship, extremely unattractive, or is a 100% complete jerk, this usually happens:


Girl dates guy A (afc)...good relationship, she gets bored and gets with guy B

Girl dates guy B ...good/decent relationship, girl thinks about guy A. Girl obsesses over guy A and breaks up with guy B. Guy A has already moved on.

Girl dates guy C(dj) ...but remembers how good it was with Guy B. Guy C recognizes this...breaks up with her and moves on. Girl is upset and wants to prove she can get guy C, but in the mean time...

Girl dates guy D ...but is still in love with C... girl breaks up with guy D and wins guy C back.

Girl gets bored of C and is interested in guy E, F, and G because they give her attention. Girl gets with guy F, but has feelings for guy E and G.

Girl is still in love with A, B, C, and D.


The End.

Great points.

When my most recent ex broke up with me, I initially did the right thing and just ignored her. A few days later, she calls up, crying, and sends me a letter saying she wants to try to work on it. I stayed distant for a few days, didn't call her, but sometimes answered when she'd call asking how I was. Then, I broke down, wrote her a gushing letter saying I wanted to work it out. A few days later, she decides against it.

In any case, the best way to both win them back and to move on is to cease contact and let them go.

I had a few dates with a girl some months ago. We didn’t hit it off particularly well, but there was some physical attraction. After the 4th date she sent me a text message telling me she felt no chemistry and we should stop seeing each other. I replied by telling her “You’re right. No hard feelings”.

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Wow, I had the same experience last week. Went out with this girl three times, kissed a few times on the second and third date, then I get an e-mail saying she's not feeling the chemistry and we're too different. I just reply with a "Yeah, me too. Thanks." I don't count on anything changing, but interesting none the less.

Great post, Jariel. I like the use of real-life examples as an alternative to preaching rhetoric. And really, there's nothing wrong with preaching rhetoric--it's just that these examples might help people see things in a different light.

And it's interesting--the whole "people want what they can't have" concept is just another reminder of why it's wise to play it cool sometimes when you're PURSUING a relationship with a woman.

Excellent post Jariel. This should be required reading for the hundreds of guys that start threads like "How do I get my GF back..."

If they try to get in contact, be polite, but indifferent and don’t give them your time. Your time now is for other things and other people! Finally, if and when you do take them back, do so on your own terms and continue letting them know you can’t be taken for granted!

If you take them back, always put the blame on them. They will accept the blame and yield the power.

My best example to add:

I had a 4 year live-in relationship with a HB9.5 model when I was an AFC. (yeah, it was pure luck). This woman had 4 LTR's before me, no ONS's and 1 LTR after me (while cheating with me). All of these other guys would do whatever it took to get her back....marriage, exclusive LTR, give her all their money, move to be near her, etc. and they call her occasionally to let her know that. She has no love for these guys.

She left me suddenly and moved 300 miles away. I called her for the first 2 months, began studying player material and quit calling. She came back to me as a FB because I was seeing other women and that was the only position open at the time. She says that she can't sleep with a man that's sleeping with other women, but 2-1/2 years after her dumping me, she's still f***ing me and enjoying it more than ever.

those are all great posts but i have a girlfriend who says none of that stuff would work on her. She said that if i never take her back after a few days, she'd just give up and move on. How would you break down a girl that has a lot of pride with her emotions?

Originally posted by the_great_gaia
those are all great posts but i have a girlfriend who says none of that stuff would work on her.

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hahaha. uh huh. sure it wouldn't.

Some great replies in this thread! Nothing says this will work every time, but it shows there's more to it than just theory and I personally know of no better way to handle these situations.

I agree with MrRuckus too. Girls will say it would never work with them, and if they catch on to your intentions it probably won't. But if they truly believe they stand to lose you, it can completely scramble their logic (as it does with many guys).

Great stuff..

I would even go on to say 'bible-worthy' although I'm unsure if Anti-Dump already covered this area or not.

those are all great posts but i have a girlfriend who says none of that stuff would work on her. She said that if i never take her back after a few days, she'd just give up and move on. How would you break down a girl that has a lot of pride with her emotions?

She has the power. You don't. Take her power away. You have to ignore her and have the attitude that you don't give a sh*t if you ever see her again. You have to make your life so busy that you don't have any time for her. It helps greatly if you're seeing other women. You can't fake this stuff.

The woman I referred to had extreme pride, high standards and high morals. Before I took her back as a FB, I negged her severely, pointing out all her physical and personality flaws. She appreciated this because nobody had ever told her these things.

She had never cheated on a BF and made a big deal about always being faithful. She broke that by f***ing me. I called her on her moral BS, called her an unfaithful slut and she admitted to it. No man had ever talked like that to her.

She was so proud that she could always get any man she wanted, so she demanded that they be in an exclusive relationship before she would f**k. She broke that by f***ing me and I tease her frequently about her being a desperate FB because she gets so horny and can't find great sex anywhere else.

Awesome post Jariel, like the real life stories, here's a couple from my own experience.

On both occasions I was rejected for carrying on like a needy wuss and was dumped for another guy. So I just thought 'Fvck this I'm outa here' and would cut all contact DEAD!!

Anyway, with the first girl after about 2 months I bumped into her one night and she gave me a lift home, by this time I really couldn't give a shyt because I'd met another girl which I guess she picked up on. On parting I just said thanks for the lift. I then bumped into her again about a month later when I was out with my mates and she was all over me, but I told her I was happy with my girlfriend, the look on her face was priceless!!

THEN about three months later she called me up out of the blue explaining that she knew I was p!ssed off with her but did I fancy going out some time, I said I'd call her but never did. I later heard that she was crushed when I never called.

The next girl (solid 9) I was in a LTR for about 5 years which started off well but kinda died down after I slowly turned into a whipped puppy dog....ouch!! She dumped me for another guy, so again I cut all contact DEAD!! Within 3 months she was back saying that the other guy was an ar$ehole and wanted me back. But by then I was interested in the chick that brought me to this site (a whole other story) so I blew her off. However she did continue to call me every now and then for 18 months before giving up. She then met someone else who she's now engaged to but just had to let me know by text message that she had done so, women eh.

Seems like this kind of thing happens all the time.

Keep up the good work.

i love that story #4 this guy is a ****ing hero!!! many would have given up to the constant begging to please take her back......but he stayed ****ing STRONG......and this from a guy who used to be a super AFC......****ing impressive man!!

however i dont like this as an act to win a girl back......because then it's just what i said - an act. each to his own but let's keep it real plz.

Much respect from me Jariel.

I thought I would share something from my distant wussy past. Here is an email exchange between me and a girlfriend who had just finished things with me:

My email 2 weeks after we split

Hi Hayley,

I can't pretend I don't care. The truth is I still care for you so much and things are hard for me right now. I kept hoping you would change your mind, even if we just went out on dates like we used to when you have time. But I know you don't see me as attractive any more.

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Sense the desperation! I am not only guilt tripping her, but I am trying to salvage a casual dating relationship on her terms and I am also fishing for answers or reassurance. By saying I know she doesn't find me attractive, I was hoping she would tell me different so I had something to hope for and also so I wouldn't feel so insecure. However...


Her Email

I am sorry for the hassle I have caused and if I hurt you, but i dont feel the same. I do really like you but i dont want to be serious with anyone. i hope that you won`t ignore me now and we can stay friends.

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She obviously feels guilty and has offered me the consolation friendship, but there's no way she wants me back.


My Reply

Thanks for being honest with me. I just got the wrong idea and hoped you liked me as more than a friend. I guess it upsets me that you said it's because you don't have time but you make time to go out with other people.

I am hurt because I feel like you were playing with me. I get messed around a lot which is why I think like this.

It's not your fault you aren't attracted to me. That's just life.

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Again with the guilt trip and fishing for an explanation. I was also pushing for her to reassure me that she is still attracted to me, just to give me something to cling to.

She never spoke to me again after this email and she even changed her phone number to avoid me.

Obviously this is an extreme example of how pathetic guys can become in times of rejection, but I believe others make similar mistakes in their own way. They try to salvage something (sex, dates, even friendship) in the hope of getting their ex- back. They also try seeking explanations or reassurance that they're still attractive, just so they have some shred of hope to cling to...or maybe just to help heal their wounded self-esteem.

Of course, you're doing yourself no favours. If you keep wondering, keep hoping, keep trying, you're not only going to drive her away forever but you are just prolonging your own misery. Moving on without any fuss is a benefit to everyone, saves a lot of embarrassment, guilt and pain, and may even keep your options open.

dude im always having the feeling you give others way too much credit.......for sure you sounded wussy and it was stupid of you......but not THAT terrible that is just justified to even change the phone number, this girl is an azzhole.


"I am hurt because I feel like you were playing with me. I get messed around a lot which is why I think like this."

a sad example of the selffullfilling prophecy ****.........sad

Example #1

Earlier this year I met a girl in a 3 year LTR. She admitted she was attracted to me and started developing feelings for me. Things with her boyfriend were turning stale and in the end she decided to break up with him and pursue a relationship with me.

I felt flattered and rather ****y knowing I had just won this girl from her long term boyfriend. Things were going well, she didn’t want to talk to him and every time he called she brushed him off. Her friends praised me, she was proud to be with me and things were developing fast.

However, her ex-boyfriend suddenly changed his attitude and instead of getting jealous of me or upset over being dumped, he gave us his best wishes, told her there were no hard feelings and he moved on. He started hanging round with his friends more and stopped calling her. After two weeks of not hearing from him she started calling him to check if he was ok and see what he was upto, only to find he was fine and enjoying his free time. Soon she started pushing him to remain friends and asking him to meet up with her. He postponed, cut his calls with her short and even stood her up a few times. Yet she persisted more.

All this time I could see it was getting under her skin and that I was losing her affection. I could have been the perfect guy, but he had the upper hand and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Every time he made an excuse not to meet her or ignored her call, she would get uptight and keep moaning about him. Sure enough she told me she wanted him back. She left me and started pursuing him all the time, but he continued backing off. She became obsessed and depressed, wouldn’t look at another guy and even burst out crying if he didn’t answer her calls. Next thing I hear, they’re back together under his terms. He had her in the palm of his hand, even cheated on her and she still stuck with him and remained loyal.

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Ah example 1. Pulling chicks out of an LTR is like pulling coals out of a fire - they are always too hot to handle. 99 times out of 100 you get burned. Chicks (and guys) in that situation might make a good no-strings attached bump-buddy, but they are way too emotionally loony to be worth your serious time.

I know you probably know this now, I'm just saying, I can't believe how many people think they can make something like that work.

Excellent examples, by the way.

--Izza

man i needed to read ur conclusion, thanks.

Originally posted by Gravyboat
Great post, Jariel. I like the use of real-life examples as an alternative to preaching rhetoric. And really, there's nothing wrong with preaching rhetoric--it's just that these examples might help people see things in a different light.

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That's why I am not very fond of Pook's posts. They are just theories. We need real-life examples, not mental masturbation. We can tell that most of jariel's posts are real. We need practical advice, not just theories.

About Jariel's posts. It seems that most of these girls he mentioned didn't know what they wanted; they seem to be immature too.

Just a question.

Jariel, were you involved and the one with which those girls cheated on their BFs?

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This post is awsome, splendid! I'm proud of you at the same time admire as well, Good JOB!