Introduction
A few months ago I experienced a very harsh break up and people on this forum saw me sink to rock bottom, starting thread after thread trying to find answers. I was looking for external reasons why my relationship failed and at what I did wrong before realising that the real problem was not my break up, but the way I dealt with it - it was my head that needed sorting out, not my techniques or actions. So after a lot of introspection my whole attitude has changed, I’ve found personal contentment and finally uncovered the path to DJ enlightenment.
Please bear with this long post as I share the wisdom of my experience, successes and mistakes (as opposed to theory) and some of the most valuable tips and insights I’ve learned…
Fall of a Natural DJ
Four years ago I was single and I was happy. I could appreciate everything surrounding me and looked forward to the many prospects of each day. I enjoyed learning and loved meeting people simply to listen to what they had to say and broaden my mind. I looked for the best in people, they admired me and even people twice my age looked up to me and found inspiration in me. I made friends with ease and when women were attracted to me it was genuine attraction that grew stronger in my presence and was never dependent on games, tricks or attention. I had nothing to prove and no tension in my life. You might say I was a natural DJ, but didn’t know it.
My failing at this time was placing way too much importance on my girlfriend and her opinion of me. Therefore, when she left me I experienced a painful loss, was left with a wounded ego and felt unworthy, self-conscious and in need of some reassurance. After improving my looks and image the female attention and popularity followed. All seemed well on the surface, yet I still had a void inside of me and a number of insecurity issues. Dates, flings and short-term relationships offered fleeting happiness and confidence, but ultimately I couldn’t handle them and they always ended with a sense of loss, pain and paranoia. More recently I became flirtatious, manipulative and egocentric, and not a particularly genuine person.
The Perils of the Ego
The ego can become like a parasite, so desperate to be fed that it distracts from all the good things in life and in yourself. As it grows it hungers for more attention and can become life-consuming. Like any addiction, it becomes a dependency and as long as I was getting attention I was happy, but without my fix I sunk into the depths of despair and started doubting my value. I’ve seen it in myself and others and it can make a person desperate and undesirable, even unstable.
Many of the women I dated have been of the same mindset as me (attention wh0res) and just wanted a good-looking and popular trophy boyfriend to increase their status and self-worth. These women never cared for me and I never cared for them, we merely cared about the attention, status and the ego boost we received from each other. Without a firm and genuine foundation, a relationship (and general attraction) will crumble, regardless of a person’s appearance, status or wealth.
Of course, good looks and social status are alluring to most people, but they are merely a novelty. Good looks also become a curse when you become dependent on them. Attractive people often rely too much on their looks and without someone to validate them they have no faith in themselves. Therefore, they tend to evaluate their entire worth through the eyes of others (or someone particular) and have no firm sense of self-confidence.
Ego-based confidence fluctuates. Confidence can be sky high when things are going smoothly, but egocentric people often fall at the first hurdle or fail as soon as they are tested (hence why women test guys), causing their confidence to plummet. If your ego controls you and other people control your ego, you allow them to become your masters!
Achieving True Inner Confidence
Let’s face it, most of us came to this forum looking to improve our chances with women (or a woman), which makes us needy by default and indicates our lives are lacking in other areas. Realising this for myself, I decided to pursue happiness by other means than women and regain my enthusiasm for life and my respect for people. This is not a strategy to win women, but a decision to actually stop pursuing women, cut the flirting and approaching, stop caring about popularity and seek personal and independent contentment. I am not ruling out dates or relationships, but it will be because I like the woman and enjoy our time together, not to feed my ego.
Many of us here seek confidence, yet few people actually understand what confidence is. It is not arrogance, being the alpha male or centre of attention, nor is it a state of apathy or ignorance towards rules and other people. In fact, a confident man should only care about meeting his own standards and should therefore be able to live in harmony with anybody else with no need to be better than them. To achieve this, we must learn to appreciate what we have more than what we desire. Oneitis and infatuation are nothing more than states of attachment and fear of loss. They can be overcome by letting go of personal desire. Likewise, fear of rejection and insecurity are nothing more than the ego protecting itself and this too can be overcome by letting go of the ego.
However, it is important never to mistake confidence with complacency. We should have grounds to feel confident and should never try to fool ourselves that we are perfect. We all have potential to become great and it’s up to us to make the most of it. Improve your looks, health, intelligence, success and social abilities, but make every step a personal challenge and enjoy the journey towards greatness. Focusing on yourself and your goals gives you a purpose which transcends the desire for women.
State of Mind
Our state of mind is the key to how we perceive ourselves, the world around us and how other people perceive us in return. A contented mind makes for a contented person who radiates appeal and draws others towards him/her. If we can maintain a positive state of mind at all times, even in the face of adversity or trauma, we shield ourselves against negativity. There is a valuable NLP technique that proves this and can show you how your state of mind reflects ******ds and creates your “aura”…
Sit comfortably, close your eyes and think of a negative memory. Re-live it in detail and notice how it makes you feel and how it changes your mood, facial expression and posture. Open your eyes and relax. Now do the opposite and focus on a positive memory. Notice the physical changes in posture, breathing and expression. Nothing around you has affected you in any way, yet by changing your internal thoughts you have caused both a mental and physical change in yourself. So clearly, if you are going about your day with a positive state of mind, your whole demeanour and behaviour will appear this way to others.
People with problems on their mind cannot help giving off a negative vibe. Likewise, any desperation and frustration that is going through your mind will become obvious to others. As this exercise proves, you unconsciously control your mood, body language, actions and voice tone with your mental state.
Seduction is Supplication
What I have recently come to see is that every one of us who seek methods to seduce women are manipulative, untrustworthy and needy. Anyone who is willing to change who they are or put on an act to get what they want are not being true to themselves and this in itself is the ultimate act of supplication. It is not the DJ way and sooner or later people will see through you. The DJ way encourages us to be great, not to convince others of our greatness. Many of us try to understand and control attraction, yet true attraction is natural, not the result of persuasion. While we should always remain wise to the manipulative tactics of others, we should never sink to that level ourselves, because as confident men we shouldn’t need to.
What most seduction gurus and PUAs teach are techniques to create a short-term illusion that appeals to a woman’s ego, but like a fat chick in a corset an insecure loser with a witty repertoire will eventually reveal his true nature. Many seduction artists are not cool, charming or confident by nature, they act this way in order to get women. “Nice guys” are not nice because it’s their nature, it’s because they are attempting to seduce women with kindness, while many bad boys act like jerks because they think that’s the way to get women to like them. Every average (frustrated) chump has their own method of seduction and all of them are servile and supplicating in their own way. Women are not stupid, they know when a man wants sex and can sense lies and ulterior motives instinctively.
There are so many guys asking questions like “how do I do X?” or “should I do Y?”, when what they mean is “How do I persuade a woman to do Z?” Forget about controlling other people, do what is natural to you (given the situation and people involved) and let people make up their own minds. So many of us get caught up with “rules” and all the do’s and don’ts of seduction and fail more because of them. With our heads overflowing with all this seduction rubbish, how can we expect to relax, put anyone else at ease and have a good time? More to the point, all this is aimed solely at getting her to like you…talk about desperation!
A few months ago I experienced a very harsh break up and people on this forum saw me sink to rock bottom, starting thread after thread trying to find answers. I was looking for external reasons why my relationship failed and at what I did wrong before realising that the real problem was not my break up, but the way I dealt with it - it was my head that needed sorting out, not my techniques or actions. So after a lot of introspection my whole attitude has changed, I’ve found personal contentment and finally uncovered the path to DJ enlightenment.
Please bear with this long post as I share the wisdom of my experience, successes and mistakes (as opposed to theory) and some of the most valuable tips and insights I’ve learned…
Fall of a Natural DJ
Four years ago I was single and I was happy. I could appreciate everything surrounding me and looked forward to the many prospects of each day. I enjoyed learning and loved meeting people simply to listen to what they had to say and broaden my mind. I looked for the best in people, they admired me and even people twice my age looked up to me and found inspiration in me. I made friends with ease and when women were attracted to me it was genuine attraction that grew stronger in my presence and was never dependent on games, tricks or attention. I had nothing to prove and no tension in my life. You might say I was a natural DJ, but didn’t know it.
My failing at this time was placing way too much importance on my girlfriend and her opinion of me. Therefore, when she left me I experienced a painful loss, was left with a wounded ego and felt unworthy, self-conscious and in need of some reassurance. After improving my looks and image the female attention and popularity followed. All seemed well on the surface, yet I still had a void inside of me and a number of insecurity issues. Dates, flings and short-term relationships offered fleeting happiness and confidence, but ultimately I couldn’t handle them and they always ended with a sense of loss, pain and paranoia. More recently I became flirtatious, manipulative and egocentric, and not a particularly genuine person.
The Perils of the Ego
The ego can become like a parasite, so desperate to be fed that it distracts from all the good things in life and in yourself. As it grows it hungers for more attention and can become life-consuming. Like any addiction, it becomes a dependency and as long as I was getting attention I was happy, but without my fix I sunk into the depths of despair and started doubting my value. I’ve seen it in myself and others and it can make a person desperate and undesirable, even unstable.
Many of the women I dated have been of the same mindset as me (attention wh0res) and just wanted a good-looking and popular trophy boyfriend to increase their status and self-worth. These women never cared for me and I never cared for them, we merely cared about the attention, status and the ego boost we received from each other. Without a firm and genuine foundation, a relationship (and general attraction) will crumble, regardless of a person’s appearance, status or wealth.
Of course, good looks and social status are alluring to most people, but they are merely a novelty. Good looks also become a curse when you become dependent on them. Attractive people often rely too much on their looks and without someone to validate them they have no faith in themselves. Therefore, they tend to evaluate their entire worth through the eyes of others (or someone particular) and have no firm sense of self-confidence.
Ego-based confidence fluctuates. Confidence can be sky high when things are going smoothly, but egocentric people often fall at the first hurdle or fail as soon as they are tested (hence why women test guys), causing their confidence to plummet. If your ego controls you and other people control your ego, you allow them to become your masters!
Achieving True Inner Confidence
Let’s face it, most of us came to this forum looking to improve our chances with women (or a woman), which makes us needy by default and indicates our lives are lacking in other areas. Realising this for myself, I decided to pursue happiness by other means than women and regain my enthusiasm for life and my respect for people. This is not a strategy to win women, but a decision to actually stop pursuing women, cut the flirting and approaching, stop caring about popularity and seek personal and independent contentment. I am not ruling out dates or relationships, but it will be because I like the woman and enjoy our time together, not to feed my ego.
Many of us here seek confidence, yet few people actually understand what confidence is. It is not arrogance, being the alpha male or centre of attention, nor is it a state of apathy or ignorance towards rules and other people. In fact, a confident man should only care about meeting his own standards and should therefore be able to live in harmony with anybody else with no need to be better than them. To achieve this, we must learn to appreciate what we have more than what we desire. Oneitis and infatuation are nothing more than states of attachment and fear of loss. They can be overcome by letting go of personal desire. Likewise, fear of rejection and insecurity are nothing more than the ego protecting itself and this too can be overcome by letting go of the ego.
However, it is important never to mistake confidence with complacency. We should have grounds to feel confident and should never try to fool ourselves that we are perfect. We all have potential to become great and it’s up to us to make the most of it. Improve your looks, health, intelligence, success and social abilities, but make every step a personal challenge and enjoy the journey towards greatness. Focusing on yourself and your goals gives you a purpose which transcends the desire for women.
State of Mind
Our state of mind is the key to how we perceive ourselves, the world around us and how other people perceive us in return. A contented mind makes for a contented person who radiates appeal and draws others towards him/her. If we can maintain a positive state of mind at all times, even in the face of adversity or trauma, we shield ourselves against negativity. There is a valuable NLP technique that proves this and can show you how your state of mind reflects ******ds and creates your “aura”…
Sit comfortably, close your eyes and think of a negative memory. Re-live it in detail and notice how it makes you feel and how it changes your mood, facial expression and posture. Open your eyes and relax. Now do the opposite and focus on a positive memory. Notice the physical changes in posture, breathing and expression. Nothing around you has affected you in any way, yet by changing your internal thoughts you have caused both a mental and physical change in yourself. So clearly, if you are going about your day with a positive state of mind, your whole demeanour and behaviour will appear this way to others.
People with problems on their mind cannot help giving off a negative vibe. Likewise, any desperation and frustration that is going through your mind will become obvious to others. As this exercise proves, you unconsciously control your mood, body language, actions and voice tone with your mental state.
Seduction is Supplication
What I have recently come to see is that every one of us who seek methods to seduce women are manipulative, untrustworthy and needy. Anyone who is willing to change who they are or put on an act to get what they want are not being true to themselves and this in itself is the ultimate act of supplication. It is not the DJ way and sooner or later people will see through you. The DJ way encourages us to be great, not to convince others of our greatness. Many of us try to understand and control attraction, yet true attraction is natural, not the result of persuasion. While we should always remain wise to the manipulative tactics of others, we should never sink to that level ourselves, because as confident men we shouldn’t need to.
What most seduction gurus and PUAs teach are techniques to create a short-term illusion that appeals to a woman’s ego, but like a fat chick in a corset an insecure loser with a witty repertoire will eventually reveal his true nature. Many seduction artists are not cool, charming or confident by nature, they act this way in order to get women. “Nice guys” are not nice because it’s their nature, it’s because they are attempting to seduce women with kindness, while many bad boys act like jerks because they think that’s the way to get women to like them. Every average (frustrated) chump has their own method of seduction and all of them are servile and supplicating in their own way. Women are not stupid, they know when a man wants sex and can sense lies and ulterior motives instinctively.
There are so many guys asking questions like “how do I do X?” or “should I do Y?”, when what they mean is “How do I persuade a woman to do Z?” Forget about controlling other people, do what is natural to you (given the situation and people involved) and let people make up their own minds. So many of us get caught up with “rules” and all the do’s and don’ts of seduction and fail more because of them. With our heads overflowing with all this seduction rubbish, how can we expect to relax, put anyone else at ease and have a good time? More to the point, all this is aimed solely at getting her to like you…talk about desperation!
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, but I had gotten to a point where I was more concerned with satisfying women to fuel my own ego than actually giving them pleasure and being attuned to their needs. I had lost my faith in my own sexuality and my own masculinity.