Broken up? No, you dodged the bullet!

Pook · Oct 9, 2004

“You want to feel sorry for yourself, don’t you? With so much at stake, all you can think of is your own feelings. One woman has hurt you, and you take revenge on the rest of the world. You’re a… you’re a coward… and a weakling.” (From Casablanca)

Shattered. It seemed that everything was correct. She was exactly what you were looking for. Though you protected your heart, everything still seemed right. This girl was so different, so perfect for you.

Next thing you know, your bubbly dreams become popped. She broke up with you. It was surprising but infuriating. You thought better of her.

Others will make fun of you. Some say this is what happens to ‘newbies’. They’re wrong. It’s what happens to those who stay Human. Coming from a break up myself, I know that to be hurt (as opposed to letting yourself be hurt like Mr. Nice Guy) is actually a badge of honor. If you aren’t broken up by life, affected, altered, then it shows you aren’t living life. It shows that you have a soul else you wouldn’t feel the dagger lanced into it right now.

The majority of guys will become teary eyed and stay that way. They will retreat to a womb of security. Or they will begin the same errors again with another girl.

You aren’t like other guys.

You are a Don Juan.

Men are not ‘broken up’ with women. Rather, they dodge the bullet.

Dodging the Bullet

There was a study that discovered women were happiest when they married their first love. However, men were found to be at their unhappiest by marrying their first love. Apparently, men are happiest marrying their third or fourth love. Amazing, is it not? And here you are thinking you’ll be unhappy since you didn’t get the girl. To the contrary, you’d be extremely unhappy if you did get her!

Men do not ‘break up’ with women. Rather, they dodge the bullet. Marriage or ‘grand relationship’ is what the women want and live for. This is not what men live for.

Let’s go through how some differences how men and women look at things:

Women say, “I have broken up with you.”

Men say, “No, I have dodged the bullet. I am free to get a better girl, to improve my life, to refocus my life. I have no rope around me.”

The women protest, “You must feel sad, beaten up, broken, and defeated.”

But men reply, “No, I feel as if I have been delivered from the shackles. Before, I was blind. Now, I can see. I am happier now than ever. The spell has been broken. Your mask has been removed.”

The women will grow angry. “We demand you be like other boys who cry and moan about us leaving you.”

Yet, the men respond, “My dears, you do not know who we are. We few, we men, do not live life from the vantage point of women. We are the measurement of our lives, not you. The glory of our lives is on us, not on you. We thank you for leaving us as now new opportunities arise.”

Women fear being single. Men don’t really care one way or the other as they have a world to conquer. When a woman is single, she is not considered a woman. But if a man is single, he is still a man.

Now, there will be much quacking of protests from many males. They are the gooey sentinels who, with lofty moral tone, barf bubbles in a poppy voice: “You distort the men for we desire connection. We are both prizes. And I have lost my girl, so I shall feel sad and defeated.”

Pook tosses them a gauntlet.

Gentlemen, history is against you. I will give you very clear examples of why a real man does not ‘break up’ with a woman but, rather, dodges the bullet.

Pook · Oct 9, 2004

The John Adams Example

Here is a story I always find helpful and cheers me up. Young John Adams, in his early twenties, visited his friends at the Josiah Quincy household, one of the wealthiest households in the entire town. The prime attractions there came in the form of two young women, Hannah, and a cousin, Esther. Esther was ‘pert, sprightly, and happy’. Hannah was all that and an outrageous flirt.

Jonathan Sewall fell in love immediately with Esther, whom he would marry (you never hear about Sewall later on in history, do you? Perhaps it WAS because he got the first girl he wanted). Adams, Richard Cranch, and Bela Lincoln were all in eager pursuit of the high spirited Hannah. John Adams believed he was her favorite and so devoted almost every possible hour to her.

McCullough’s biography of John Adams states,

Nothing like this had happened to him before. His pleasure and distress were extreme, as he confided to his friend and rival Cranch:

If I look upon a law book my eyes it is true are on the book, but imagination is at a tea table seeing that hair, those eyes, that shape, that familiar friendly look… I go to bed and ruminate half the night, then fall asleep and dream the same enchanting scenes.

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This founder was just like us, and he searched for information. Today, we have the Don Juan Forum. But back then, Adams read Benjamin Franklin’s Reflections on Courtship and Marriage endlessly.

In his diary, he lectured himself to stay the course, not to let girls distract him from his life. He even had moments of doubt about Hannah being less than sincere. “Her face and heart have no correspondence,” he wrote.

McCullough writes,

Then came the spring night he would remember ever after. Alone with Hannah at the Quincy house, he was about to propose when cousin Esther and Johan Sewall suddenly burst into the room and the moment passed, never to be recovered. As it was, Bela Lincoln, the Hingham physician, increased his attentions and in a year he and Hannah Quincy would marry.

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Now look at this part.

Seeing what a narrow escape he had had, Adams solemnly determined to rededicate himself. Only by a turn of fate had he been delivered from ‘dangerous shackles’. “Let love and vanity be extinguished and the great passions of ambition, patriotism, break out and burn,” he wrote.

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Was Adams feeling sorry for himself forever after? No. He realized he dodged the bullet.

But who would Adams eventually marry and love? He meets her but doesn’t realize it.

Yet, when he met Abigail Smith for the first time later that same summer of 1759, he would not be greatly impressed, not when he compared her to Hannah. Abigail and her sisters Mary and Elizabeth were the daughters of Reverend William Smith of Weymouth, the small seaport town farther along the coast road. Adams’s friend Cranch had lately begun calling on Mary, the oldest and prettiest of the three. On the evening he invited Adams to go along with him to meet Abigail, the middle sister, it was for Adams anything but love at first sight. In contrast to his loving, tender Hannah, these Smith sisters were, he wrote, neither ‘fond, nor frank, nor candid’. Nor did Adams much like the father, who seemed a ‘crafty, designing man’. Adams’s first impressions were almost entirely bad and, as he would come to realize, quite mistaken.

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In 1762, his friend Richard Cranch and Mary Smith were married, a high occasion for Adams that he hugely enjoyed. In Cranch’s company, Adams had a change of heart about the Smith family and, in particular, about Abigail. Adams knew that as an aspiring lawyer, he ought not to marry early. The courtship lasted five years.

Of the courtship Adams had said not a word in his diary. Indeed, for the entire year of 1764 there were no diary entries, a sure sign of how preoccupied he was.

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Now look very closely at this.

She saw what latent abilities and strengths were in her ardent suitor and was deeply in love. Where others might see a stout, bluff little man, she saw a giant of great heart, and so it was ever to be.

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But there was opposition.

According to traditional family accounts, the match was strongly opposed by Abigail’s mother. Abigail, it was thought, would be marrying beneath her. But the determination of both Abigail and John, in combination with their obvious attraction to each other- like steel to a magnet, John said,- were more than enough to carry the day.

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Before Abigail:

’But if self-absorbed and ambitious, he was hardly more so than a number of young men of ability of his time. The difference was that Adams wrote about it and was perfectly honest with himself.

“Why have I not genius to start some new thought?” he asked at another point in his diary. “Something that will surprise the world?” Why could he not bring order to his life? Why could he not clear his table of its clutter of books and papers and concentrate on just one book, one subject? Why did imagination so often intervene? Why did thoughts of girls keep intruding?

“Ballast is what I want. I totter with every breeze.”

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After Abigail:

For Adams, life had been made infinitely fuller. All the ties he felt to the old farm were stronger now with Abigail in partnership. She was the ballast he had wanted, the vital center of a new and better life.

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The point here was not that Adams found ‘love’, no he found ‘life’. The girl he was in love with, Hannah, did not love him for his own self. She just wanted a ‘guy’, whoever happened to be most attentive to her. Abigail, however, married ‘beneath her’ because she saw his latent strengths. Anyone who knows their American history knows that Abigail and John Adams was a very strong romance that lasted to the end of their days.

John Adams’s story resonates with me because I broke up with my own Hannah. Like Hannah, she was ‘high spirited, happy, extremely pretty’ and so on. And like Hannah, there were several guys in pursuit of her, with me being the most favored. But there was no ‘correspondence’ between her heart and emotions, it seemed. And like John Adams, I was distressed in the same exact way. Due to the intervention of fate of freak accident, she ends up with another guy and I dodged the bullet.

How close I was to losing myself! Dodging the bullet may sound absurd, but from one who’s gone through the phase, I can say that it saved my life. Remember, women catch men, not vice versa.

Re-dedicating themselves

When one looks at the lives of men who moved and shook the world, an interesting pattern develops. Behind every George Washington and even every Schwarzenegger is the example of John Adams above. There is no such thing of a great man who obtained their first love. Obtaining the first love makes one only rise to lieutenant, not a general. The Danish philosopher Kierkegaard noticed this and felt sorry for males who married their first or second loves.

When you broke up with a girl, once you got past being hurt and disappointed, what happened? Did you suddenly look at life differently? Did you suddenly devise new projects for you to master?

This is a big difference between men and boys. Boys think they have broken up with the woman, and so they stay depressed and become shy around future girls. Men, however, realize they weren’t in control of themselves, that they were foolishly aiming at love when they should have been aiming at life, and so they realize they have dodged the bullet.

Wacky-1 · Oct 9, 2004

Good post Pook. Thanks for reminding us that whatever happens is all part of the game.

Jippii · Oct 9, 2004

Nice. I especially like your concluding paragraph.

SuSHI · Oct 9, 2004

I dodged the bullet. Your post couldn't have come at a better time in my life.

SuSHI.

Duke · Oct 9, 2004

Pook, you get many congratulations and pats on the back after you post, and they are all well-deserved. But I honestly feel that some guys are reading your posts as "in-out" entertainment. That the effect is uplifting, but temporary.

It's VERY beneficial to internalize a lot of what you're saying, and this post is an example of something to internalize. There is no "rejection." Men are never "shot down." Men never "crash and burn." They simply unmask the evil hag who had been perpetrating a lovely girl all along.

On another note, I like the fact that your more recent posts have almost catch-phrase-like titles that are easy to remember.

Ooh la la! Just dodged a bullet!

Matt Rogers · Oct 9, 2004

Great post. It reminds me of the saying "Love is blind". In the fog of love we tend to idealise the woman and make unsuitable matches. As we get older we are able to see through the haze and make more suitable matches with women who help us further our dreams.

The saying "Behind every successful man is a woman" has some truth. For example Andrew Carnegie attributed all of his wealth to his wife's influence.

LikRetsam · Oct 9, 2004

Originally posted by Pook. Men, however, realize they weren’t in control of themselves, that they were foolishly aiming at love when they should have been aiming at life, and so they realize they have dodged the bullet.

I feel a sense of purpose I haven't felt in quite awhile...

Drex · Oct 9, 2004

Thank you Pook! Reading this has made me realize that perhaps losing my recently ex-GF was definately dodging a bullet. She was 7 years older than me, 2 kids (that I loved very much) and quite controlling, yet I still felt like she was the love of my life (we did have some GREAT moments and chemistry).

Maybe now I will not be so bitter towards her for trying to work things out with the father of her kids.

Jizamurai · Oct 9, 2004

Pook, of all the times, thanks for sharing this post with us now. It's almost a little creepy, hehe, because I just recently broke up with what i thought was the perfect situation. (last week in fact!)

I was cautious to protect my heart. This girl seemed different. And i eventually took to heart all the good things she had to say to me... It seemed perfect. THEN CRASH!!! Whoa?? how could this happen?? This girl had so many qualitites that i wanted?? how could this be?? How could i find another one like her???? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??????

Haha. Damn it hurts, and it'll still take some time. And then ya realize.... "wait, ever since i stumbled onto this site and started living like a Don Juan, it seems that every girl that i've gotten involved with has been better than the previous!" And while its easier to focus on the bitter 'now' and harder to see all the good things that haven't happened yet, "why would i want to stay where i am, when i could keep advancing!!?" AWESOME STUFF.
Thanks Pook, just the encouragement i needed to hear. ITS TIME TO START LIVING AGAIN!!!!

Chlarence · Oct 10, 2004

I can totally relate to Pooks story as I too once had my Hannah for 5 years. She was everything a man could 'look' for in a girl......smart, funny, very pretty, fantastic body, great in bed, you get the picture.
Anyway she ended the relationship as I'd turned into a whipped puppy, but instead of wallowing in my own self pity after the initial mourning period of about 6 months I went about improving my life.

One of the main factors of my self improvement was starting at the gym, going from 160 to 190lbs, for you guys who don't work out and eat properly, start immediately as it is one of the best things you can do for your self esteem.

I also moved out my parents house and went back to college part time to do a degree while still in full time employment, I didn't like my job at the time and wanted to do something about it. I also started socialising a lot more improving my social circle of friends.

That was 4 years ago and now when I look back, beneath all Hannah's apparent qualities all she ever cared about was herself and what I could do for her.

The point is that I would have never have improved myself if I was still with her, I'd be a mere shadow of the man I am today. In a way I am thankful to my first love for treating me like she did, I can now see that I had a lucky escape or 'dodged the bullet' as Pook puts it.

My life is so much richer now in many ways and I am so busy at the moment that I don't have time for a woman, although I know of a few that are interested. Would they be interested if I was my former self?? Probably not.

Nice post Pook, keep up the good work.

Cesare Cardinali · Oct 10, 2004

Excellent post dude. Rings true for my own experiences as well.

Pook wrote:

Due to the intervention of fate of freak accident, she ends up with another guy

I am curious if you could elaborate on you you handled this. Did you at first go through the normal process of jealousy and anger; before feeling like you dodged the bullet? How do you feel about this girl now? Do you have anger towards her, hatred, do you view her as a sl*t or is she still a friend?

Cesare Cardinali

VIVAlasVEGASBaby · Jul 16, 2008

iqqi · Jul 16, 2008

This post is Pook talking himself into something, and not taking any responsibility for what part he played in it. Pook was and may still be, very much in his own head. Even the women voices, whilst entertaining... are actually POOK's own voices.

This thead was not for you, readers...

I found this thread very interesting.

Sandow · Jul 16, 2008

It's still good advice for guys to keep moving on. All we need sometimes is a little motivation, some guys never move forward and drown in their own sorrows. They feel guilt and blame themselves, when they really shouldn't. There's nothing wrong with this article, I think its very motivational.

dannyegg4575 · Jul 24, 2008

Pook is right in this article. Think about being with the wrong woman and having to give her half of everything that you worked hard to own. man... if I reflect back, i'd have to say, i really really "dodged a bullet".

http://spikedhumor.com/articles/159560/I-Have-Everything-I-Need.html

The Gamer · Jul 24, 2008

This post is Pook talking himself into something, and not taking any responsibility for what part he played in it. Pook was and may still be, very much in his own head. Even the women voices, whilst entertaining... are actually POOK's own voices.

This thead was not for you, readers...

Does it make any difference at all, iqqi? No. Why did you feel the need to post that that?

firebird · Jul 25, 2008

I also just dodged a bullet but is there a woman who is not a bullet? Does she exist?

Why do all women want to drain the energy of men? We talk so much about domination, confidence and what not but at the end of the day it is the man spending all his energy calculating the moves and the woman just sits there and sees what happens.

Will I become more of a great man by being celibate? Still don't see how a woman can possibly help me live a greater life. All she cares is to gain attention and excitement. Where is she who looks for a higher cause?

Alexander the Great · Jul 25, 2008

Pook's post wasn't gold, nor platinum or diamond. It was rhodesium. Or anti-matter, even. Heh, that terms is proper two-fold even!

For reasons perhaps unseen by some, his tale and that of John Adams, related the wisdom that comes to men when they realize they've been supplicating to women, blinded by the cutesy bird they thought to be their second mother.

When you realize this, you know you have indeed dodged a bullet. For the woman you supplicate to, is usually not one of The Ones. As you realize you are still alive and in control of yourself, you slowly start to learn what it really is to live. And love. And who is better for you.

Thanks for the bump. The truth is in this thread. I raise a glass to male awareness.

Women are not your mothers. Women are companions. As are you. See them as no more or less than that and you'll live a good life, me thinks.

PS.
I too dodged a bullet. Thank a Deity.

Void · May 27, 2010

This is an amazing post Pook.

Thank you.

Every time I have a serious problem in my life, I always end up turning to you and finding the answer.

Thank you again, I owe you more than you will ever know.

I first found this site when I was very young, and I wish I could go into detail, but I am very, very, very successful now. And it all began with the principles I learned in fifteen lessons.

My girlfriend and I just broke up because I want to pursue my dream career and she wants me to stay at home. I told her I want to pursue my dreams and that she should too. She felt differently. She wants us to give up our hopes and dreams for each other.

I'm glad I made the right choice.

Thank you Pook

Broken up? No, you dodged the bullet!

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