Destroying Social Phobias

AWAKENING YOUR SOCIAL SELF
A Path to Defeating Shyness
by Mr. Fingers

"Don't talk to strangers!" my mom would admonish me before I left for school each morning. Sometimes I wonder if this ominous warning had anything to do with the social phobia that would plague me later in life. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame poor Momma for my troubles and I know she was only trying to protect me from predators, but I think this is a powerful message that stuck with me much longer than intended. I know I am not alone here because the majority of people I encounter display various degrees of social phobias. I am actually quite an expert on the subject. Spent my early teen years as a bit of a hermit, keeping myself entertained with video games, comic books, and of course, lots of porn. The few times I did show up to a party, I would cling to my friends like they were a life preserver amidst stormy seas. I look back and laugh at myself since I am now able to dive into any social pool and backstroke with the best of them. So how did I do it? Baby steps, my friend. Had to cross a few gates in order to banish my inner hermit and become the life of the party.

The First Gate - EYE CONTACT

What is it about a person's eyes that can be so intimidating? Every time I used to lock eyes with an attractive girl, I would get this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and always avert my glance. Come to think of it, I didn't make much eye contact with anyone back then. I'm not sure if I was afraid of judgement or if I was just self-conscious, but that queasy feeling was very real, kinda like when you take that first plunge on a rollercoaster ride and you wanna puke your brains out. For years, I avoided everyone's gaze until I ran into some random chick in NYC who changed my perspective. I was chatting with my friend Ace and he was telling me some of his famous jokes while we waited for the subway. I was still chuckling as we got on the train and I made eye contact with this dark-skinned beauty with hazel eyes. Hot damn, she was beyond fine! Normally I would turn my eyes away in shame. But I was mesmerized by her delicious charm! I didn't even realize I was smiling at her until she mirrored me and smiled back. You have all heard it a million times before but the smile is critical! And it HAS to be authentic. Like one that you have when your friend tells a good joke.

Don't go overboard on the smiles though, unless you enjoy looking like a damn fool. I managed to scare my hazel-eyes away when we had coffee the next day. I totally made her uncomfortable with my perma-smile. Man oh man how I reeked of desperation! Oh well, at least I learned something: Think of your smiles like occasional bursts of sunlight to warm her heart - but your game face is super chilled out, unfazed like a sea of clouds that make her long for the warmth of your sun-smiles!

Even though it didn't work out with Hazel, I'm glad I met her because from that moment on, I learned to look everyone I saw in the eyes, well minus the shady looking guys and the drunks who talk to themselves but you know what I'm saying. In time the confidence grew and I learned how to flirt a little with the eyes. For instance, when she is at a distance, it is OK to look at some fly cutie's ass. in fact she wants you to! But once she is in your presence, you have got to be more subtle, dude. Keep the eye contact on her face. Center on the eyes and break away for furtive glances at her lips. Challenge her dominance by making her look away first. You don't have to be a psycho-prick about it but make sure she knows who rules the eye contact game! By the same token I also realized that there is a difference between eye contact and STARING. Remember to break your gaze and look at something/one else in the room for a few seconds to avoid that stalker-on-probation look.. Pay equal attention to the world around you for it is ripe with conversation fodder! Which brings me to the next gate.

The Second Gate - TALKING TO STRANGERS

I remember being annoyed by people who would start up conversations with me on the street. Pretty ironic considering I am now one of Those People... Of course I would not have learned this valuable skill on my own. Once again it took a little outside assistance, this time from my good friend JJ. He's the dude who would talk to EVERYBODY. Bums on the street, old ladies at the laundromat, you name it. It's interesting because we never talked about how to approach people, but I learned from him by osmosis. He made me realize that you can't just open up a conversation with anyone without feeling their vibe first. Before you can communicate and be received, it is necessary to PACE the targeted individual. Absorb their situation and change your speed to match theirs. He would get free $hit from K-Mart all the time because he would IDENTIFY with the workers. He would ask them if they enjoyed their jobs, already knowing the answer and begin to instill in their hearts a "Fu¢k K-Mart attitude" in 20 seconds he managed to make them all betray their bosses AND he walks away with free junk. It's all about having balls aint it? Well, actually that's not all there is to it. In order to learn how to pace another person, start by taking a deep breath and imagining you are that other person. Mirror them, copy their breathing and then pay attention to your feelings. What is it like to be this person right now?

Example: I went to a pub for a few beers the other night and the bartender was swamped. He was serving a good 200 people by himself, and those were 200 hardcore alcoholics to boot. Finally the placed cleared out a bit and he had a moment to rest. He was lighting up a cigarette and I put myself in his shoes at that moment. Hmm, I feel stressed and definitely need to relax...what a fu¢kin crazy night. I imagined his feelings and then verbalized them when we made eye contact. "Man, what a crazy job you have.. Is it always this busy?" BOOM. Conversation cracked wide open with one sentence. This guy is now one of many people I regularly chat upon my outings (which only strengthens my social proof!) See how easy it is? Just empathize with others and, unless they are complete losers or evil bastards, you will get a favorable response.

The Third Gate - TALKING TO WOMEN

After you can comfortably talk to strangers, you are ready to target girls. Start out with UGs if you need to. This is not such a bad idea considering UGs have hot friends. Remember, even though they have pu$$ies, girls are people too! Don't treat them any different than you would treat any stranger. Be cool, friendly and open and don't worry about being a Master Don Juan just yet. The goal here is just to talk. Go to malls and talk to the chicks at the shoe/clothing stores. When they ask if you are looking for anything, say, "sure, I'm looking for a gorgeous, rich girlfriend that gives great massages, got any of those in stock?" or try on some gear and ask her which ones make you look sexy because you have a hot date planned. Try on a few shirts and be like, "Now which one of these would make you want to rip my clothes off and have your womanly way with me..cuz that's the effect I'm looking for." ETC ETC, you get the picture.

Once you have graduated from talking to UGs and chicks who are paid to talk to you, it's time to do some cold approaches. These are standard approaches without the intent of a close. Again, you are not trying to get numbers or be Dr. Smooth just yet. At this point you are getting yourself used to the idea of talking to an attractive woman you don't know. That's right my friend, you are about to talk to pretty girls! Try not to $hit your pants and take the following words to heart.

While I don't recommend canned openers, they do help you get started so here are a few that have served me very well. Remember, some chicks are total ¢unts so don't take it personal if you encounter someone rude. If you do meet an evil troll of a bit¢h, just do what I do and say in your head "Oh well, your loss! NEXT!!!"

Walk up to the hottie, make eye contact, smile and say "Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but where did you get those shoes?" Let her talk for a minute as 99% of all women will when asked this question. Then tell her they are very nice/stylish and the reason you ask is cuz its your sister/cousin/whatever birthday is tomorrow etc, etc. This line is actually quite crap on its own and will get you nowhere if you don't have good followup game, but for the sake of the Third Gate it makes an excellent and painless icebreaker.

Get your confidence up with the previous examples and then try this one (courtesy of David DeAngelo) which is fu¢kin brilliant:

Walk up to the hottie, make eye contact, smile and say "Hey, my name is X and I am conducting a social experiment to help me overcome my fears of talking to women that I find attractive. Thank you for participating!" and then walk off. Many women will actually stop you and pursue the conversation!

The Fourth Gate - INTERESTING CONVERSATION

OK, so you finally got the balls to say something and you have her attention. Maybe you even got a chuckle out of her. Now what? Any fool can talk about weather and politics so how do you set yourself apart from crowd? Well, I could lie and say this is the easy part..but I am not a good liar so suck it up, pal! There comes a time when you must step up and realize that you will have to not only initiate conversations, but also keep them going. Be prepared to carry 90% of a convo when you first start talking to people. It takes a while for most folks to completely warm up to someone. This requires you to really LISTEN to what the other person is saying and use it as a vehicle for what you want to say. Is that vague? You need an example don't you? Alright cool, let's take a real boring topic and see what we can do here:

HER: Nice weather we are having huh?
ME: (sigh!) Yeah ... Days like this make me think of the beaches in Cuba during the Fall..(get that distant look in my eye like I am in Cuba)
HER: Wow, you've been to Cuba?
ME: Actually, no. At least not in this lifetime, but I feel I have been there before. You know... there is just something about that island that calls me. I have been dying to go there since I was a child, and now that I think about it, most of my current girlfriends are Cuban.
HER: Yeh, Cuba is a beautiful place. Waitaminute...girlfriendSSS? How many do you have?
ME: Woah, I thought we were having a friendly conversation about weather and travel ... now you want to quiz me on my sex life? Are you trying to hit on me or something?
HER: (not used to getting this response and getting a little flustered) No..that's not what I meant...you brought it up!...
ME: (Ignoring her protests and eyeing her skeptically) Good Lord...I have met some pretty aggressive women in my day, but you take the cake by far! What's next, you gonna propose to me right here? All righty then, I will call your bluff and accept. C'mon you wild woman (put my arm around her shoulder and start walking) I'll introduce you to my parents on our way to Vegas...

and so on...

This is just a cheesy example but in it I have shown how you can change fluff talk into more fun subjects like travel.,past lives and romance. Were my lines that mind-blowingly great? Not by a long shot. But that matters little because you can bet the family jewels that I delivered them with utmost confidence! Notice how she does all of the responding and I do the initiating. The trick is to give your audience a choice of bait for the conversation and be prepared to follow up each thread. This way they feel in control by making the choice of the convo's direction, but we know who's really running the show! In the above example, this girl might have focused on the reincarnation reference, or maybe told me about her trip to Cuba. Point is, I would have been ready for her response and given her more bait to push the convo where I want it to go. Once you get really good at this, you will want to have several threads of conversation going simultaneously. Think about a great film where there are several subplots that tie together into one story. Same premise. A little ****y/Funny works well but only if it fits naturally into the convo. It should never be forced and don't insult anyone either. In the future I will be posting my thoughts and experiences with C&F, so stay tuned!

Damn...you want more tips???? OK then. Awkward pauses are your worst enemy. As soon as I feel a conversation is about to fizzle out, especially with someone new, I either start up a new topic or simply excuse myself to talk to someone else. First impressions are important, but last impressions even more so! Never complain about your life and stay POSITIVE! Don't ask too many questions, it's OK to find out where she lives, how old she is, etc. but try to get her to ask all the questions and never answer them directly. Keep in mind though, conversation and people are so unpredictable, some of these rules will need to be broken from time to time.. I once met this girl who would not answer any of my questions but kept asking me alot about myself, so for the sake of trying something different, I let her quiz me. I broke my own rule by opening up to her because it felt natural and she responded well. We ended up messing around and I totally could have hit that, but she turned out a lousy kisser and I lost interest. Ultimately.. the rules are there to help you be more ballsy, the real trick here is to learn to trust your instincts. Of course you have to develop these instincts first, and that comes with PRACTICE and TRIAL&ERROR ... But you already know this! Alright, enough of this yackity yack garbage. Let's get into the more juicy $hit..

The Fifth Gate - KINO

Beyond the realm of seduction, kino plays a crucial role in any social interaction. We all crave touch from the moment we are born. Think of when a baby comes into the world, screaming & hollering like , "What the fu¢k is this place, who the fu¢k are you and WHY is it so damn cold?" The only thing that shuts the lil bastard up is when the doc hands him over to Mama and he gets his first taste of kino and is like "Ahhhh, heaven!" Of all the gates, this one requires alot of self-examination (hey, quit touching yourself and pay attention!) Seriously, how much kino do you get from the people who are close to you? What are your attitudes and boundaries in regards to kino? Personally, I come from a fairly warm environment by American standards, but absolutely frigid by Latino standards. Visit any town in Spain or Italy and you will see a huge difference in kino levels. Dudes be walkin down the street arm in arm, giving each other kisses on the cheek and it is totally not a gay thing. I have pictures of my trip to Rome and in almost every flick, my friends are piled on top of each other in a tangled mess of affection. These people are actually quite lucky, kino is so second-nature to them, they don't have to break out of any social mold like many of us do.

However...for those of you who only get hugs from your mom & sis, it is time to gently expand your kino to include those around you, yes even your guy friends. Start to pay attention to how (if at all) you touch your friends and family. Grab someone's arm gently when you want to make an important statement. If someone is sad, or tired or stressed, rub their upper back in light circles and give their shoulder a squeeze. I believe that deep down, everyone is starving for real human contact and I have personally never had anyone tell me to stop touching them.

Once you get comfortable with your tactile communication, you will want to start touching some ladies. When meeting a girl for the 1st time, start up the kino as soon as possible. Make a few jokes, charm her with your irresistible wit and touch her upper arm gently. PAY ATTENTION to how she responds! If you are getting green lights (smiles, she kinos you back, plays with her hair, tilts her head) then escalate the kino SLOWLY by removing your hand, waiting for another high point in the convo and then touch her at the waist. If you are getting red lights (she gives that "what-the-fu¢k-do-you-think-your-doing" look, she backs away or breaks eye contact) then back off and make her miss your touch for a while. Even if her backing off upsets you, don't let her know it! Be cool man...show her that nothing affects you. And quit trying to be so damn perfect. This whole process is a dance so don't be afraid to trip every once in a while.

Of all the tools a DJ has, kino is by far THE most powerful. $hit, I once used kino experiments to hook up with an LJBF case! I had given up on the romantic interest for years and was content to be buddies cuz she was actually way cool. Then I discovered this site, read up on the power of kino and I decided to run some experiments on her. She already knew I was inexperienced with women so she didn't find it strange when I would ask for a female perspective on things. One day I asked her to critique my hugs. I would hug her from different angles with different intensities and get her feedback. Hugs, turned into cuddles...cuddles to kisses, etc etc. It is amazing how much more you can communicate with one touch than hours of talking. I can't explain it any further, you'll just have to try it out for yourself.

The Sixth Gate - MAKING CONNECTIONS

Once you start to get comfortable talking to and touching women, you will begin to see them as PEOPLE instead of sex goddesses. They have as many if not more fears and insecurities than you and this should help knock them off that lofty pedestal of yours. As a DJ, one important thing to understand about women is that most of them strive to preserve their reputations. The worst thing that can happen to alot of these chicks is being labeled a slut, (unless of course she really is a slut and proud of it) so they need a damn good reason to tell their friends about you once you finally do tag that ass. So, what is the escape clause in their contract of sexual favors? Why, the Incredible Connection clause, of course! Never heard of it? Allow me to read from the Great ******** Book of Unspoken Agreements:

Article 54 Section BJ-69:

The Incredible Connection Clause

"If a woman is swept away by her emotions and as a result gets the Sloppy Sausage Special, then said female is not responsible for the dirty deeds she delights in. It is the man who assumes responsibility for said sinful act due to the fact that he was simply too charming/sexy to give her any other choice but to submit to her passions!"

I know, I know. So crazy and yet so true in many cases...

Soooooooo, the real question here is how do we make this connection and give women permission to be the dirty whøres they long to be? Many people have their theories and I won't $hit on any of them. Rather I will share what has worked for me up to this point. For the answer, I look back on my most profound interactions and there see that there was always an element of DESTINY involved. Now I am gonna get a little deep here, so bear with me. You see, my fellow aspiring DJ, like most people, I often forget how miraculous our very existence is. Take our bodies as an example. Did you know that your body is currently processing trillions of cellular functions per second as you read this? It's true, despite the fact that you might be an AFC, you are an incredible being of infinite possibilities. Beyond this example, it's really hard for me to put into words..human beings are just amazing. We all know this at some level, but do we consciously recognize this? I have met alot of humans in the past 6 months. All of them are amazing by merit of the fact that they exist, but few are exceptionally cool cats that I would go out of my way to hang out with. From all my interactions, I have noticed that most people are in fact isolated and completely self-absorbed. These folks bore the living snot out of me because they tend to live in ignorance of 3 really important things.

a. They are amazing and powerful enough to make all their dreams come true
b. They could die tomorrow
c. There are no coincidences or accidents in this life. Everything has a purpose...which is to teach and make us grow

Really think about these things before you read on....

Example: Met a fellow New Yorker last night at some random club. A friend of a friend. It was his last night in Spain and we were both starved for good english conversation. He was one of the coolest people I have met in a long time and we got along famously. Turns out he is a DJ himself and we were discussing techniques. Anyways, I was genuinely happy to be hangin out with this fellow because he's from my hometown and I feel lucky that I caught him before he left. So I told him how I had planned to stay home that night but a strange series of events had brought me to that bar and it was definitely destiny that we met. He laughed and said if he didn't know any better he'd think I was trying to pick him up! I laughed and told him not to flatter himself and that his weak C&F skills wouldn't work on me. We spent the whole time laughing and making a scene of ourselves at the club. He taught me something I will never forget. We were watching a couple of player wannabe's run game on these 9's when he says to me,"You know, you just made me realize something about my game. Here we are, two strangers who after talking for twenty minutes, are getting along like long-lost brothers. How did this happen? I think it's because people like you and me don't take ANYTHING for granted. We know that every moment is unrepeatable and we are exactly where we are supposed to be right now. Our paths have just crossed man, that is actually some pretty powerful $hit when you really think about it. I never noticed until now but I almost always play this destiny aspect up when I am dealing with the ladies. Works like a charm!"

It was the only thing he said that I didn't die laughing from. Because it really struck a chord in me and made me think.

In a few sentences this guy seemed to capture the essence of what a true DJ is to me. Someone who appreciates the perfection of any situation, no matter how imperfect it may seem. Someone who can turn a total stranger into a devoted friend. Someone not afraid/lazy to leave their friends at a party. Man, I remember reading that great post by Pook about letting yourself fail in order to learn. What an awesome attitude! Learning is what separates AFC from DJ, moron from genius. It doen't matter if you fu¢k up. Being this fearless and open to new possibilities, will instantly set you apart from all those shy people out there. If you want to make that connection, then embracing your sense of destiny is a powerful way to make it happen. It is definitely not the only way and does not work well on the hoochie-mamas who just want to have fun. But once again i entrust you to the voice of your instincts here...

Try this out on any girl you meet and have a good rapport with. Let the conversation flow nicely, which by now you should be a pro at. After getting comfortable and making her laugh a few times, and at a high point when you are both smiling and having a good time, tell her how you weren't planning on going out that night, but you are glad you did cuz you are having the best time and how you love life's surprises and there is a reason for everything, etc etc. This is important..Don't ASK if she believes in destiny!! SHOW her that you do. She might be curious about your sudden change into deeper topics so be prepared to regale her with a tale of destiny from your own life (i.e: near death experience or love-at-first-sight tales). The most important aspect of this approach is sincerity. Yes, (GASP!) you actually have to like this person! Give her your full attention sparingly, mix in some kino/eye contact and watch your game play itself!

The Seventh Gate - LEARNING TO FU¢K PROPERLY

Damn, you are really on your own here dawg. Mr. Fingers never gives up the secret recipe!

Alright alright, it is cruel to tease so here are some basics:

- Be in overall good shape. Keep cardio up by running, soccer or whatever. Stay hydrated and for the love of God trim those unruly pubes!
- Quit jacking off like a fu¢kin jackhammer! Slow down and prolong your jerk sessions. I know this sounds impossible, but try to wack off and not ¢um, this really helps your staying power! Treat masturbation as penile exercise instead of a 2 minute fist-fest
- Do Kegel exercises and strengthen those PC muscles. Don't know how? Google search it dude.
- Learn to dance and develop your rhythm. Take salsa or tango classes. Move those hips and surprise her with slow strokes, shallow, deep, fast etc. Predictability is BORING! Tell her a story with your schlong and give her the grand finale she deserves!
- Let her fu¢k you first. follow her rhythm and let her get her rocks off, then feel free to butter her muffins
- Don't be afraid to voice yourself. Chicks go nuts when they know they are driving you mad with pleasure. Don't moan like you are in pain like those tired porn actors. Instead, try learning a few choice phrases in another language and whisper exotic, dirty things in her ear.
- I will say no more. The rest is up to you. Educate yourself on the female anatomy. Read sex books. Experiment and ask her if she is enjoying the ride. Trust me man, trial and error was never so much fun!

The Eighth Gate - BECOMING THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

Wow, check you out now. Oozing social and sexual confidence has created an unstoppable aura about you! All the little changes have added up and you can create social proof out of thin air. If you tend to do a lot of sarging at clubs and bars, you remember to befriend the bouncers and bartenders using the above techniques (minus the seductive kino....um..unless your into that sort of thing) The world is your playground! You are now free to be that social butterfly you used to envy. So get out there and talk with a hottie for a few minutes, get her laughing and leave her on a high note to talk to someone else. Make her see your confidence shine and don't be surprised when guys and girls alike follow you around looking for more of your vibe, because it is so rare! Be like MOTU and play host for the evening. Remember, this is YOUR party!

This goes so far beyond getting laid (as fabulous as that is)..it's about making real connections and awakening the social god that dwells within you. The benefits of this are countless! So I want you to take my lead here.... do exactly what I am doing right now.

1. Get up.
2. Turn off your computer.
3. Get out there and meet some strangers.

It will be alright I promise! So get goin!!....Go on now...

Dammit, why are you still reading this garbage? Get outside and LIVE for chrissakes! Remember that one day you will look on the present with either fondness or regret and...ahhhhh screw you guys. I have said more than enough!

Mr. Fingers spots a fine-ass honey out his window and signs off...

OMG ok let me read this. i hope its not a waste of my brain time, lolz

Great Post!

REAL good dude, real good. Bravo, Mr. Fingers! You got the mindset my man, that much is obvious from your post.

This part was funny:

The Incredible Connection Clause

"If a woman is swept away by her emotions and as a result gets the Sloppy Sausage Special, then said female is not responsible for the dirty deeds she delights in. It is the man who assumes responsibility for said sinful act due to the fact that he was simply too charming/sexy to give her any other choice but to submit to her passions!"

Click to expand...

But it is so damn true!

Realizing just THIS statement will explain so many of the flaky things that girls will sometimes try to pull.

yess.. yess,, this is gold, //

be my mentor dude, lolz

Great stuff! I like how you explain things, not too much detail but not too vague either. The examples are good (even if somewhat cheesy ) You tie a lot of concepts together and show how they fit in with the bigger picture.

I think this belongs in the Bible...

great post Fingers..I'll have to print this one out..I too have been studying Social Phobia..and was like you in my teens/early 20's.

God, i love this! Simply excellent, Mr. Fingers.

This is one of the most motivational things I have ever read!

Here we are, two strangers who after talking for twenty minutes, are getting along like long-lost brothers. How did this happen? I think it's because people like you and me don't take ANYTHING for granted. We know that every moment is unrepeatable and we are exactly where we are supposed to be right now. Our paths have just crossed man, that is actually some pretty powerful $hit when you really think about it.

Click to expand...

The whole 'Making Connections' part was eye-opening. You got it. Don't take anyone or anything for granted!

c. There are no coincidences or accidents in this life. Everything has a purpose...which is to teach and make us grow

Exactly!



This should be in the DJ Bible.

Great Stuff, Mr. Fingers - keep it up.

I am just about to leave in 2 minutes to go out bowling, and this was the BEST post I could have possibly read. Thanks a lot, dude! I'll talk to you later. Right now it's time to go out and live this life.

Wow, this post put me in a weird / good kind of mood. I like deep philosphical/spiritual posts. Golden stuff.

I enjoyed the second gate very much as this is exactly how rapport is created and not simply by mirroring. You've gotta be able to feel the other person out and be cool about it. This is one skill that I am focusing on learning right now.

I liked this kind of writing too because it seems real and down to earth. Somehow it clicked with me. Again golden stuff. I wish you lived close to me so we could hang out.

Great job dude, finally some quality stuff again in the DJ forums

The Tao of Mr. Fingers!

If I was a Hindu god, I'd give you 8 thumbs up.

This is marvelous stuff, Mr. Fingers!

I'm a weird one in that have an easier time getting through the 5th to 7th gates (kino through sex) than the 2nd through 4th gates (conversation). I appreciate the help and examples. I'll read this again and again, and put it into practice until it becomes second nature and I can banter with the best of 'em.

Again, bloody marvelous. Wish you were here in Detroit.