A good example of an insecure guy

Well I wasn't always insecure, but recently certain things have really been bothering me, and I need to know if they are just in my head, or if they actually merit concern. So my girlfriend and I have been dating for threef years now. She is a freshmen in college, and I'm a senior in college. Yeah, I know that's a big gap, but she is old and I'm young. There is one twist I guess: we go to different colleges. We have been about 300 miles apart this whole year, and you think that would be enough to worry me, but she is running around with a guy down there. This entire semester she has met a guy who she claims is a "good" friend. I'm not completely sure of this, but this friend asked her out on a date after they had been hanging out and talking to each other for three weeks. This makes me wonder if she ever told him that she had a damn boyfriend. She eventually told me about all this, but the details were sketchy, and she claims that she mentioned that she had a boyfriend. I'm extremely doubtful that she mentioned this. Well anyway, after he asked her out, she told him that she still wanted to be friends with him. Luckily, I had inside sources, and they informed me that after this they just started hanging out more and more. I was concerned because honestly what guy just wants to be friends? But we had been dating for three years, and that was enough to calm me down. So anyway about three months ago he spilled his guts to her in an email, and she gave me and him the same response: "We're just friends." You would think that this would end things between him and her, but it never did. My friends at her school tell me that after this, they started going out to dinner together, and were together all the time. This guy apparently walks her back from school, work, and to the dining room almost every night. She said that they were just friends, but after she told him this things just seemed to intensify between the two of them. And on top of all that, we have gotten in some very very big fights. He was very rarely the subject, but regardless, it's something to worry about. So at the end of this year we got into a huge fight, and I didn't send her anything for her birthday. I didn't even call her. Yeah I was that mad. But he sent her something, and my good friend down at her school tells me that she couldn't stop talking about him the whole day. Here is a direct quote from her friend. "All she could say was how sweet and cute and wonderful he was." Now I'm getting worried, so worried that I'm scared to bring it up because it may be the end of us. I'm pretty sure he confessed his feelings again to her in the gift he gave her, i dont know how she responded for sure, but I think she told him she just couldn't handle the strain he is putting on her. If you think that is insecure, I haven't even gotten started yet. Yeah, so my girlfriend wasn't really extremely good looking when we started dating. I will admit it. But now she has matured, and she is gorgeous. I think this guy may be a lot better looking than me because he went to a high school by mine, and I'm impressed by the list of girls he has dated. PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!! I need to know if I'm just having a typical guy insecure moment, or if I should genuinely be worried. I will post updates if I get one. I'm not scared to face the truth, I just need clarity.

Nobody here is a psychic... nobody will know for sure whether she is banging this guy or not. But I won't pull any punches either, I would be worried. You should question whether or not its worth it to keep up a long distance relationship with a young attractive woman in college. What it gets down to is trust, but I have been cheated on by people that I trusted. Judging by your description of the situation (them hanging out all the time, her seeming infatuated with him) I would be worried. This could be just "all in your head", but I had a similar situation in which I convinced myself that it was all in my head, then I found out that she was cheating on me for 8 months. My advice would be to find a girl closer to home. If you decide to stick it out with her and trust her, do NOT act insecure or you could end up CAUSING her to run off with another man.

I should also ask, how often do you see her? And when you see her what are your interactions like? Does she still want to be physical with you or does she seem more and more distant?

Ohh man, well I'm glad you brought this up. I've seen her maybe a weekend once every month this semester. And this may be in my head too, but our phone conversations are seeming a lot less meatier if you know what I mean. Granted, this could just be me being pessimistic. Well we haven't been physical in a while. At our last meeting, she was supposed to hang out with her friends, then come and be with me the rest of the night, but she got too wasted and made a mess of herself. This sparked our most recent fight. She really embarrassed me. No one wants their girlfriend puking all over in front of their friends. This is a reocurring fight for us, her getting drunk and looking stupid, and me not liking it. I guess I should also tell you that she cheated on me in the beginning of the year, not with this guy, but with another guy. She downplays the whole thing and claims she just kissed him, and he even through himself on her, but I now have my wonders. And also, I seriously doubt she is banging him. She is a pretty unagressive girl, and I just can't see it happening. Also, I think one of my friends down there may have said something if they were seeing her walking back from where he lives in the clothes she had on the night before. I guess I'm also wondering if I can trust her word at all. I know you aren't psychic, but I just need your opinion. Is it really possible she has no feelings for him like she claims? I guess this is really what I was getting at with that whole post. Thanks a lot for your help....

I guess I should also say she has been emotional as hell lately. And she always has the tendency to downplay everything, and make everything seem like not a big deal. If she lied to me about the guy she cheated on me with, and it did go a lot farther than him throwing himself on her, I think it would be just as easy for her to be lying about her not having feelings for him. I know I'm being longwinded, but this is pented venting, and I want to get everything out without sounding like a wuss....

Its cool bro, better that you let it out here on an Internet message board then spout it all out to her. Well look, I don't know her - I only have what you tell me to go on. Is it possible that she is telling the truth? Of course. The question you really need to ask is, is it PROBABLE. If you have reason to believe she's cheating, don't just convince yourself that its not true just because you want to spare yourself some mental anguish.

At the same time, don't just jump to conclusions and sabotage a relationship. Lets take a look at this. So you're telling me that:

- You only see her once a month (average)
- You haven't had sex in over a month
- She gets drunk a lot and makes a fool of herself
- Has admitted to messing around on you (just kissed? hmmm)
- Your relations haven't been that great lately
- she hangs out with this guy all the time (but lets face it, you KNOW what he's after and he's been pushing it the whole time)
- she knows that he is after more than friendship, but she won't tell him to take a hike
- they have been hanging out "more and more"

It doesn't sound good to me. I could be wrong, I hope I am! But to me it just doesn't sound good. I'm not trying to be a bastard and place more doubt into your mind, I just want to keep you realistic.

I have to ask you - why are you SO SURE that she isn't banging this guy? Obviously you aren't so sure otherwise you wouldn't be obsessing about all of this. The fact is, it doesn't matter how agressive she is with guys. Guys can initiate sex too ya know And the one thing I always remember now... if she ain't gettin' it from you, she is probably getting it somewhere else. Just because she doesn't spend the night doesn't mean jack sh!t. You can get your fvck on any time of the day.

I remember back to the girl that cheated on me and the situation. There were a lot of things that tipped me off and made me suspicious - and I'm glad I listened to my intuition. She stopped having as much sex with me, she flirted a lot with this other guy (who was supposed to be my friend) but she SWORE to me that they were just friends, and she even accused me of being untrustful. She wanted to be around him all the time and seemed infatuated with him (started getting into the same music as he was, etc).

What you said in particular struck me as being similar to what I observed in my ex when she started cheating on me:

Well anyway, after he asked her out, she told him that she still wanted to be friends with him. Luckily, I had inside sources, and they informed me that after this they just started hanging out more and more.

Click to expand...

My verdict is that she is probably cheating on you. I'm really not trying to sabotage your relationship and you really need to think things through yourself, but I'll be damned if I let another guy get fvcked over as bad as I did. At the least, be prepared. Ask yourself how much you trust her, listen to your intuition, and then do what you need to do. If you don't trust her enough to put your mind at ease then break it off! The relationship will not last if you are constantly worried about her cheating on you.

I agree that this does not look good. Long distance relationships are hard anyways, and this guy is not making it easier. The one good thing you are doing is not bringing it up to her a lot. The worst thing you can do is let this guy cause arguments between you and your woman. If you do this then she'll start taking his side, and become defensive. Thus hate you more, and start being more drawn to him. that's just how girls work.

If she's cheated on you before, then by god she'll do it again. I don't care what they say, they will if the right guy comes along. Another area for concern is that she is a freshmen. Girls go through a lot of changes their first year in college. Unfortuneately this usually means they want to get out and experience a lot of things. (inclucing guys)

My advice to you is to keep your options open with other women as well. I'm not saying cheat on her, but you should start taking note of who would be good to hang out with.

Threef years is a long time to be dating.

Thanks for all that, you've really been a big help. All these people who I know in person pull punches, and they try to break it to me gently.... Sorry but there is more I want to ask you about. I know next week, when we're back home, the tables will be turned and I will be at her fingertips and he will be an hour away. But do you think it's safe for me to conclude that she had feelings for him? I seriously don't think she was having sex with him, but maybe I'm just jaded as you suggest. I just spoke with her on the phone pretty briefly, and she told me that she told him they had to be friends or nothing at all, and that she didn't like him. Do you think this is believable in any way at all? Or is she just saying this because she wants things to be normal again, and she doesn't want to be emotionally torn up? What do you think I guess? Hehe, I guess I'm trying to use your help to the fullest extent. Do you think

*BUMP*
sorry I kinda want to see if he responds. I'm still kind of stuck

First of all, it doesn't matter what she says, only what she does. Or in this case, what your friends tell you she does. (How reliable are your friends?) She lied to you before, she might do it again.

Second, don't let her know it gets to you. Act like it doesn't matter to you when you talk to her. This means not getting into fights with her and not getting mad. If she starts talking about this other guy, subtly change the subject. If she persists, just smile and say you really aren't interested in hearing about him.

This other guy sounds like a pu$$y anyway, pouring out all this emotional crap to her, buying her a nice little birthday present.

Third, start seeing other girls closer to home. And if you can let her know this in an un-obvious way (through your friends, maybe), even better.

You lost dude. He sees her everyday, you are barely there. Girls are hoes, if you're not there, you are not on their mind. She's probably humping him for all you know, plus she's what, 18/19? Too young to committ anyway, let her go, move on today...

When a girl knows a guy likes her and still hangs out with him all the time, she likes him too, or enjoys his attention. There is a type of girl that could be trusted because she loves her boyfriend too much to consider cheating on him. Your girl already proved that she isn't that type. If you're in a long distance relationship, and you're fighting all the time, you're on the train to breaking up. People need to get affection from somewhere, and you have so many options in college that it's a matter of time before it happens. Although this guy is an AFC, they get laid sometimes too. I did when I was one.

I know I sound really pessimistic, but I think you should know how tenuous everything is. What you should do is go out with girls. Don't have sex, but meet girls and have fun with them. Not only will that make it easier to deal with problems, because you won't obsess on your girl so much with the knowledge that there are other options. You'll also get to see her reaction to your having girls as friends. You'll find out where her head is. Right now she has a relationship with this other guy that (maybe) includes everything but sex. I bet she kissed him in thankyou when he gave her his gift.

I really hope everything works out for you.

What is good about this chick? I'm not seeing it at all. You need to stop giving attention to this attention ***** and let her feel the complete absence of you in her life.

Why would you even let her spend so much time with another guy like this in the first place? Because you are acting like a chump and she owns you. Come on dude, set your standards higher and you will be rewarded.

Let her puke in front of his friends and play him with yet another guy. You will be spending your time with higher quality women and enjoying your life.

Also, if you're going to write long posts, use paragraphs and spacing.

Good luck.

What is good about this chick?

Click to expand...

Whats good is that they've been dating for three years. Its different than some three week relationship.

I assume that both of you will be leaving college soon for the summer...use this time to be with eachother. I wouldn't go as far as to try to work hard on your part to make it work, it seems like she is unraveling the fine weave of your relationship. Well, namely this bastard. I think that the guy is trying to get in her but she's not helping either. She claims to be friends yet they spend time together all the time? He gets her a gift? Added with the fact that she admits to kissing a guy is not good at all.

If I was you, I'd continue dating her until she goes to college until you go to a point. What I'm saying is take a couple of months to see if its still worth it. This dumbass prick is going to be around next year to do the same **** and don't think otherwise. The dude will probably try to talk to your girl during the summer because *****es will be *****es. I'd honestly just pound the hell out of that guy if you broke up. That'd be the guy to beat. Not when you're still going because she'll take his side.

It doesn't matter how long they've been dating, that doesn't mean it's OK for her to jerk him around or that he should put up with it. I say cut off all contact with her for a while.

And don't pound the hell out of him if you break up. It makes you look like you give a rat's a$$, which is the last thing you want. Why let her know she's that big a deal if you've already broken up?

I think yyou have cut this chick too much slack..and she is treating you like a doormat

I would either next her..or let her find out from "sources" that YOU have been seeing other girls

*cough* paragraphs *cough*

Thanks a lot guys, I will take it all into consideration within the next few weeks. I don't know, but I kind of feel like the AFC in this situation. This other guy seems to have options, which is why I think I feel so threatened. Well I'm at least frustrated.

I also forgot to tell you all that she is transferring to my school next year, but she likes to make it completely clear to me and everyone around her that it's not for me, and that my school is just good for her major. (which it is) If that changes any of you all's perspective, feel free to interject. And thanks again.