WanderingMan
Senior Don Juan
tl;dr
Bad behavior: punish :nono:
Good behavior: reward :flowers:
--
Sometimes known as **** tests, understanding and handling bad behaviors are basic concepts that can be applied to almost all types of relationships. Although how you apply these concepts is up to you (and is often times ripe for debate), but at least knowing and understanding what these concepts actually are, and recognizing when they should be applied, should hopefully give you confidence and a good starting ground for healthy secure relationships.
--
While in a relationship, you and her are not always going to get along, you're not always going to agree on everything. At times, things will need to be talked or worked out. However, there are proper ways to talk things out and to work through these problems, then there are ways for the man to be the woman's whipping boy who happens to take the blame for every past and future problem and perceived fault that that she may think up at any moment's notice. There are adult/mature/respectful/healthy ways for her to handle and view things, then there are disrespectful/bratty/*****y/self-absorbed ways for her to handle and view things.
99.99% of us at some point have been hit out of left field with a woman's erratic, unexpected, dysfunctional behavior. Sometimes they are poorly communicating a valid concern that we were previously unaware of, or sometimes they are just being erratic, *****y and disrespectful, as a means of dealing with their own issues and insecurities, and as a way of using the man as their emotional tampon and punching bag. Either way, when a woman starts behaving badly -> going off the rails, then, by all means, do not respond with any words or actions that would be considered rewarding or encouraging to this type of behavior.
When a woman starts complaining/*****ing - throwing a temper tantrum - sometimes guys will try to "fix" things or "smooth things over" by accommodating her or pandering to her ****ty behavior and perceived needs. The hope is to fix the problem in the quickest manner possible - with the least amount of resistance - so things will go back to "normal". As men, we tackle problems logically, so when she complains about something, we take her for her word and handle it with logical words of our own, or actions that are solutions to her complaints. Or, if that doesn't work, then we'll try something nice to make her forget about that most recent hamster fueled complaint . But often times, these women don't want actual solutions to these problems, if it wasn't that specific set of problems, it would be a different set a problems. Essentially, no matter how good and fast you are at solving her complaints and problems, there will always be more complaints and problems to eventually follow. The quick fix may give you some temporary reprise from running around with your head chopped off, but the "problems" will still be there lurking, waiting for an opportunity for the next attack.
The first step in dealing with erratic complaints and problems is to recognize the situations for what they are: bad behavior on her part. If you were to sit there and listen/take her *****es and complaints, then, by all means, she will dish them out to you as long as you are willing to sit there, or until she just gets bored and moves on. The first step is to realize what she is doing, and the second step is to act accordingly.
There will be times when a little sprinkle of sugar is all she needs -> times for some charm or distraction, but essentially sugar should be saved for when she deserves it: as a reward for good behavior - not bad. When a woman communicates through *****y-disrespectful manner, the "problems" she is bringing up are not always the same as the underlying problems that need to be addressed. She may be testing you and-or, if you've been failing previous tests, the "problem" she may actually be communicating to you is that she does not respect you and-or may be losing attraction for you. By responding positively to this bad behavior - rewarding her with what she wants & desires (attention, affection, gifts, intimacy) - you are not only accepting her bad behavior but also capitulating and communicating that she is in the right for treating you this way, and therefore further confirming her ever diminishing impression of you. And, on top of all that, you are conditioning her to repeat this type of behavior in the future whenever she wants to be "rewarded" for it.
On the contrary, by punishing this bad behavior - withdrawing from her what she wants and desires (attention, affection, gifts, intimacy) - you will be communicating to her that you do not accept this type of behavior, that you are a man who respects himself and therefore a man who has expectations and standards of her. You will be letting her know that the actions that she is taking are forcing you to withdraw from the relationship and that you are losing attraction for her. This will this not only inversely increase her attraction and respect for you, but will also put ownership of the relationship in her hands and therefore force her to take responsibility for her own actions. She will then come to realize, that in order for you to stay with her, and for the relationship to continue in a positive healthy direction, that she will need to change her own behavior.
Bad behavior: punish :nono:
Good behavior: reward :flowers:
--
Sometimes known as **** tests, understanding and handling bad behaviors are basic concepts that can be applied to almost all types of relationships. Although how you apply these concepts is up to you (and is often times ripe for debate), but at least knowing and understanding what these concepts actually are, and recognizing when they should be applied, should hopefully give you confidence and a good starting ground for healthy secure relationships.
--
While in a relationship, you and her are not always going to get along, you're not always going to agree on everything. At times, things will need to be talked or worked out. However, there are proper ways to talk things out and to work through these problems, then there are ways for the man to be the woman's whipping boy who happens to take the blame for every past and future problem and perceived fault that that she may think up at any moment's notice. There are adult/mature/respectful/healthy ways for her to handle and view things, then there are disrespectful/bratty/*****y/self-absorbed ways for her to handle and view things.
99.99% of us at some point have been hit out of left field with a woman's erratic, unexpected, dysfunctional behavior. Sometimes they are poorly communicating a valid concern that we were previously unaware of, or sometimes they are just being erratic, *****y and disrespectful, as a means of dealing with their own issues and insecurities, and as a way of using the man as their emotional tampon and punching bag. Either way, when a woman starts behaving badly -> going off the rails, then, by all means, do not respond with any words or actions that would be considered rewarding or encouraging to this type of behavior.
When a woman starts complaining/*****ing - throwing a temper tantrum - sometimes guys will try to "fix" things or "smooth things over" by accommodating her or pandering to her ****ty behavior and perceived needs. The hope is to fix the problem in the quickest manner possible - with the least amount of resistance - so things will go back to "normal". As men, we tackle problems logically, so when she complains about something, we take her for her word and handle it with logical words of our own, or actions that are solutions to her complaints. Or, if that doesn't work, then we'll try something nice to make her forget about that most recent hamster fueled complaint . But often times, these women don't want actual solutions to these problems, if it wasn't that specific set of problems, it would be a different set a problems. Essentially, no matter how good and fast you are at solving her complaints and problems, there will always be more complaints and problems to eventually follow. The quick fix may give you some temporary reprise from running around with your head chopped off, but the "problems" will still be there lurking, waiting for an opportunity for the next attack.
The first step in dealing with erratic complaints and problems is to recognize the situations for what they are: bad behavior on her part. If you were to sit there and listen/take her *****es and complaints, then, by all means, she will dish them out to you as long as you are willing to sit there, or until she just gets bored and moves on. The first step is to realize what she is doing, and the second step is to act accordingly.
There will be times when a little sprinkle of sugar is all she needs -> times for some charm or distraction, but essentially sugar should be saved for when she deserves it: as a reward for good behavior - not bad. When a woman communicates through *****y-disrespectful manner, the "problems" she is bringing up are not always the same as the underlying problems that need to be addressed. She may be testing you and-or, if you've been failing previous tests, the "problem" she may actually be communicating to you is that she does not respect you and-or may be losing attraction for you. By responding positively to this bad behavior - rewarding her with what she wants & desires (attention, affection, gifts, intimacy) - you are not only accepting her bad behavior but also capitulating and communicating that she is in the right for treating you this way, and therefore further confirming her ever diminishing impression of you. And, on top of all that, you are conditioning her to repeat this type of behavior in the future whenever she wants to be "rewarded" for it.
On the contrary, by punishing this bad behavior - withdrawing from her what she wants and desires (attention, affection, gifts, intimacy) - you will be communicating to her that you do not accept this type of behavior, that you are a man who respects himself and therefore a man who has expectations and standards of her. You will be letting her know that the actions that she is taking are forcing you to withdraw from the relationship and that you are losing attraction for her. This will this not only inversely increase her attraction and respect for you, but will also put ownership of the relationship in her hands and therefore force her to take responsibility for her own actions. She will then come to realize, that in order for you to stay with her, and for the relationship to continue in a positive healthy direction, that she will need to change her own behavior.