LDR advice

rockingyoucuzican · Mar 5, 2014

Hello all, I am just another guy with a broken heart trying to move on, get some questions answered and not go mad in the process. Have talked this over with friends, but would be awesome to get yet another perspective. I will try to keep it as short as possible, and make the questions specific. Any feedback much appreciated

I'm a 30 yo finishing up med school, she's a 24 mature for her age HS teacher. We met during my rotations in a desolate place I'll call H-ville, dated for a month and a half, I lived at her place the last week before we both went for xmas holidays. We live a 40 minute cheap flight apart. We then kept it going for two more months, I visited her two times, she visited me once (she has a much better place). Then she broke up. Now some details:
*About her, both good & bad: She's a very mellow and thoughtful person, comes from a good family. No serious boyfriends after HS. Doesn't sleep around. Does very little outside of work in H-ville since she knows few young people there. Has no hobbies, no passions, watches a lot of TV, doesn't work out, starting to gain weight (but still average), basically just very lazy. Is a 7 when she looks her very best, usually 6, not a great body, but has a fun personality and great sense of humor. That is what made me fall for her.
*Our time in H-ville before LDR: It had been a long time since both of us had met anyone, we also both knew very few people in H-ville. So a lot of time was spent having sex, watching movies, cooking, eating out, having beer with the few friends she has, etc. She liked me alot, we talked little about the future.
*My trips to H-ville after xmas: She missed me terribly during xmas, but when I came to visit her she was a bit more cold, even though we had great sex. After these trips she went through a bout of depression because she feels lonely in this desolate place. She kept less contact because of it.
*Her visiting me: She was a little more distant that last time, but we had a good time. Met some of my friends, laughed, drank, ate, etc. Made no plans for future meet ups after that trip.
*Break-up: I knew it was coming. Her reasoning: We have no plans to live in the same place in perhaps two years. On-and-off is more frustrating than good. She lives in a "bubble", keeps little in touch with even the closest friends when they're not in the same place. She doesn't like me enough to change her plans, which would be a big commitment. She might come to my school to do some distance learning courses next year, but that is far off and not a sure thing yet. When we're together it is planned and intense, almost too much. She wants mot spontaneity in a relationship. My reasoning: I understand we have little to build on and don't expect her to change her plans. On-and-off is frustrating but worth a shot.
*Aftermath: I was weak and sent an imessage day 4 of break-up, got a warm response but not much hope of getting back together at this point. Since then implemented NC, 15 days and counting. Heard nothing from her.

MY QUESTIONS:
*Are some people just not cut out for LDRs? She says she lives in a bubble, and isn't good at keeping in touch with people in other places. Unless she really has no feelings for me, I don't really understand that trait. Any thoughts on this?
*Are women more pragmatic (rhetorical)? And therefore less inclined to get involved in an LDR? Does logic often trump feelings in their mind, much less so than in guys?
*Have any LDR people experienced that weekends together become too intense, and almost too much, since you're obliged to spend every minute together?
*Her birthday is coming up in two weeks. Should I break NC? I'm thinking of sending a postcard, she collects them and puts them on her fridge. We parted on good terms, so it would be strange to not congratulate her. Also her birthday will probably suck since all her friends are 100s of miles away. It might spark some warm feelings towards me.
*Any other thoughts?

Thanks in advance for the feedback!

iamnobody · Mar 5, 2014

rockingyoucuzican said:
*Are some people just not cut out for LDRs?

Nobody is cut out for LDRs, mate. The dynamic of any LDR is completely off balanced in the detriment of the guy: the girl get all the attention she wants without giving enough s3x in return. At a subconscious level a chick is able to recognise an LDR as being the attempt of a guy with no other options. This is why LDRs don't work out in the long run.

TheODB · Mar 5, 2014

iamnobody said:
Nobody is cut out for LDRs, mate. The dynamic of any LDR is completely off balanced in the detriment of the guy: the girl get all the attention she wants without giving enough s3x in return. At a subconscious level a chick is able to recognise an LDR as being the attempt of a guy with no other options. This is why LDRs don't work out in the long run.

I agree. Unless you're already married AND there are kids involved, there's really no reason to ever agree to an LDR.

Willard · Mar 5, 2014

My LDR ended a month ago. Although it hurt for a while, I'm glad it is over. Your going to med school, why bother with a LDR, do you even have the time? That girl has nothing going on. If you can take the emotions out of it, you night be able to have her as a FWB. She can visit you once in a while. Stay no contact, she might want you back or she might not.

After my LDR ended I went full time self improvement, martial arts, seduction audio books, PUA audiobooks, success audiobooks, the gym even harder than before.

I am spinning 3 plates that are better quality than the one that ended.

Do yourself a favor and do the same. Once you have all the skills to have plenty of other options, she will probably want you back. then its your choice to have her back or stay with the better quality plates you will be spinning that live close by.

Anyway good luck, I know how you are feeling, its only temporary, self improvement can last forever.

One audio book I really liked is The Psychology of Success,
by Brian Tracy (Author) read or listen to that one and you won't want to bother with the LDR nonsense.

Skyline · Mar 5, 2014

My take on LDR's:

Long distance relationships are purely emotional, for both parties. Rarely, if ever, does it become a physical intimacy due to the distance. This results in the male being sexually frustrated or unhappy, whilst the female is getting all the "emotional benefits" she wants. There is literally no benefit from a long distance relationship. If you can't control your emotions and need a woman to cry on, then it's perfect for you. Just know that the women will be receiving free ego strokes while you receive free hand strokes from yourself.

Because of the lack of physical intimacy, the women will often begin to loose interest. Dating, relationships, and even marriage rely on that sexual desire. No amount of verbal game can make up for this. If there's no physical desire, you're basically friends. This is a gate way to the friend zone, as in her friend zoning you. Obviously there are some ways around this, like friends with benefits in case you do see each other. However an ACTUAL relationship over long distance is purely comical. Whenever I hear a guy say he's in a LDR, I just think:

"Wow he either can't control his emotions very well and(or) he just likes that ego boost of the thought of having a girl."

If you're going to get into a relationship...

DJBible said:
"Love(Like) the girl, not the thought of having one."

rascal99v · Mar 5, 2014

rockingyoucuzican said:
I visited her two times, she visited me once (she has a much better place).

No serious boyfriends after HS. Doesn't sleep around.

Has no hobbies, no passions, watches a lot of TV, doesn't work out, starting to gain weight (but still average), basically just very lazy. Is a 7 when she looks her very best, usually 6, not a great body, but has a fun personality and great sense of humor.

I recently posted to another dude about LDR's and I will copy most of what I said below for you to read. It pertains to you as well.

First of all, you have no idea if this chick sleeps around. You are in an LDR far away from her, so you don't know what she's doing when you're not around. You are only going by what she is telling you and what you perceive her to be. I know chicks who say they don't sleep around. They turned out to be the biggest hoes I've ever met. If she was fvcking around with you, that certainly isn't her first or her last dude she will fvck.

She doesn't sound like the ideal woman that you want to be with anyway. Lazy, gaining weight, doesn't give a sh!t about anything. Those are the types of women you want to avoid. Sounds to me like you were the fill in guy to pass the time until she found somebody else.

Why would you care about her feelings worrying if she has a good birthday? She didn't care about your feelings when she dumped you. Did she? Why would you send a gift to reward a person for breaking your heart? Don't be a beta and reward a person who doesn't think much of you. If she really missed you and cared for you, she wouldn't have acted cold and broken up with you. This relationship didn't last that long anyway. She wanted it over and you're not going to get it back. Let it pass and be done with it. I'm pretty sure she will have another dude to celebrate her birthday with. Also, in an LDR you want the chick coming to you as much as possible. You want to get as much out of her in the first few months as you can.

Here's what I wrote to another poster. The same thing applies to you:

This happens in any relationship. Doesn't mater how far away it is. The more you put in, the less you get. The harder you work, the more you invest. The more you are doing, shows you are not in control. The person doing the least amount is the one in charge. Betas always put in more effort than a woman ever does. You will fail every time when you try to make a chick invest more into a relationship. Her feelings and attraction is not there. She should be investing more into it on her own. Even more so for an LDR. You should be putting in less than a chick.You can't have an LDR with a chick who has low IL. You won't get laid. You won't get what you want out of it. It won't work.

Some guys say to stay away from LDR's. I say that's lame.

If you know what you're doing, it works out very well. When you can get some good pvssy out of it, it's all worth it. :yes:

LDR's should be strictly used for fvck buddy relationships. Nothing else. Never invest too heavily into an LDR because it will bite you in the ass. Always put in the minimal effort. Make the chick come to see you as much as you can. She should be willing to come to you a lot early in the relationship. Chicks interest in LDR's will fade depending on the dude or what other dudes she has nearby. So, get the most out of it in the first few months.

LDR's are good because you can mix them in with your other plates. Sex is a given and you can use her for the whole weekend if you want. You need to be in contact more than a chick that lives close by. Don't go days without talking because she will have other dudes hitting her up. If you're silent, she will have those dudes to keep her company. Communication is important in an LDR so talk or text just about everyday or other day.
.
Don't let your LDR be your only chick. You're asking for trouble when you do that. Always have other chicks to date and bang besides her. Chicks in LDR's can easily lie and cheat on you. You're not around to know what's really going on. That's why you use her as much as you can in the beginning. The show is over if you get excuses, her refusing to come, or can sense low IL. You need to dump. That means she's found another dude close by. She's just waiting for the right time to dump you. You will have had your fun with her, but you will have other chicks to keep you occupied.

I've done a couple of LDR's and got over a year max with both. The chicks were cool and I was always doing less. I used them for weekends (or whenever) and just used them as long distance plates. Worked well for me and I got what I wanted out of it.

My friend had a relationship turn into an LDR. He had to move for work but it worked out for him. His girlfriend is great and they made it work. They are getting married in December. Knew a couple of other guys who had them. The chicks ended up cheating on both. They fvcked up because they were doing more and was the only chick they had. They invested in it too much. Which is why they both failed.

I had a chick come over last night who lives an hour away. We fvcked for a few hours and she ended up spending the night. She even made me an awesome breakfast this morning. I didn't have to pay one dime. She did all the driving and used up her gas.

Just don't invest too much into it and you should do good. I really wouldn't seek out an LDR because there are plenty of chicks close by. But when you're getting pvssy on command, then who cares how far it's coming. Right?

JoeMarron · Mar 5, 2014

I recently posted to another dude about LDR's and I will copy most of what I said below for you to read. It pertains to you as well.

Damn I was just about to point him to that thread. This was excellent advice.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=213011

*Are some people just not cut out for LDRs? She says she lives in a bubble, and isn't good at keeping in touch with people in other places. Unless she really has no feelings for me, I don't really understand that trait. Any thoughts on this?

I call bullsh!t on her reason for ending it. I'd chalk it up to simply her having low interest for whatever reason. If a chick is into you enough you could be on the moon and she'll still be madly in love with you.

*Are women more pragmatic (rhetorical)? And therefore less inclined to get involved in an LDR? Does logic often trump feelings in their mind, much less so than in guys?

Hah logic trumping feelings? Nahhhh. Hell I'd say feelings trump logic in a lot of men these days. I don't think they're less inclined for LDRs but more inclined to end it, women do most of the dumping in any case.

*Have any LDR people experienced that weekends together become too intense, and almost too much, since you're obliged to spend every minute together?

Nope. I recently spent two weeks with my chick. She was on her best behavior the whole time, not a b!tchy attitude or drama in sight.

*Her birthday is coming up in two weeks. Should I break NC? I'm thinking of sending a postcard, she collects them and puts them on her fridge. We parted on good terms, so it would be strange to not congratulate her. Also her birthday will probably suck since all her friends are 100s of miles away. It might spark some warm feelings towards me.

I don't see any reason not to congratulate her since you guys parted on good terms. Just dont do it as an attempt to get back with her. Simply wish her a happy birthday and leave it at that.

I'd suggest staying away from LDRs, odds our they aren't going to work out well. Of course there are exceptions, mine won't be an LDR in a few months. At the end of the day however you're usually better off gaming chicks in your local area. Don't even bother with an LDR unless the chick is top quality. Judging by what you described this woman was not it.

Pardner · Mar 8, 2014

Is getting a Thank You text back from her worth it? I wouldn't think so.

VladPatton · Mar 8, 2014

LDR's are against the human race's scope. I have tried an embarrassing number of internet LDR's and 100% of them failed. It's like trying to make 2 chemicals react by not physically mixing them. Good luck on that one. You're better off trying to administer an IV thru your iPad to a patient 2000 miles away lol.

Most likely she has lost interest in you. Actually it doesn't really matter what the actual reason is, but she no longer wants to be with you. In that light, there is nothing more for you to do here. Maintain your no contact and forget about her. Look for greener pastures, they're out there. I'd even delete all her contact info to keep me straight. Her bday, Xmas, and the 4th of July are her problem now, it's time for you to move on.

You really should have no remorse for a girl that dumps you, so do not break no contact, treat this relationship as DOA. Any chance at her taking you back will surrender your power completely to her. Do you wanna be her little puppy from now on? Time to move on, get excited about it.

Induced Drag · Mar 9, 2014

I've been in several LDR. I even have an advantage because I get to travel (fly) for free. That said, it still never works for all of the reasons already mentioned. My ex broke up with me to pursue a LDR with her ex. I think about how stupid she was about it and can laugh now. You're finishing up med school. You're a prize. Don't think it, know it. I know it sucks right now but over time you'll come to realize that it doesn't suck as bad. Then you'll meet someone better and wonder what you were thinking.

rockingyoucuzican · Mar 9, 2014

Induced Drag said:
I've been in several LDR. I even have an advantage because I get to travel (fly) for free. That said, it still never works for all of the reasons already mentioned. My ex broke up with me to pursue a LDR with her ex. I think about how stupid she was about it and can laugh now. You're finishing up med school. You're a prize. Don't think it, know it. I know it sucks right now but over time you'll come to realize that it doesn't suck as bad. Then you'll meet someone better and wonder what you were thinking.

Hey thanks for the confidence boost man. I'm doing better now, after hitting a new low two days ago. I removed her from facebook, helped a lot. That whole "online 5h ago" feature got to me. Was afraid to push her away, but what the hell, I gotta move on. Still gonna send her that birthday card in a week though, we left on good terms. May hurt to get a thank you text, but what the hell. Life hurts.

Anyway, what specifically failed in your LDRs?

I think we just lost momentum while away from each other. For some people distance makes the heart grown fonder. For others not so much, I guess she's just one of those people. Plus she was going through a tough period, which made her retreat. Don't think it's more complicated than that really, we would def keep going if it was local.

Thatfeel21 · Mar 10, 2014

In my past experience (1.5 years LDR), they dont last. Or are they meant to. Think about it, man. A 'relationship' is built and maintained based on the process of building and developing, which never stops. Contact and intimacy. Trust and communication. Themes of this nature need to be constantly attended to. It's no different than raising a child that you only see once a month and EXPECTING him or her to love you the same as the other parent raising it.

rascal99v · Mar 10, 2014

Thatfeel21 said:
In my past experience (1.5 years LDR), they dont last. Or are they meant to. Think about it, man. A 'relationship' is built and maintained based on the process of building and developing, which never stops. Contact and intimacy. Trust and communication. Themes of this nature need to be constantly attended to. It's no different than raising a child that you only see once a month and EXPECTING him or her to love you the same as the other parent raising it.

WTF? :crackup:

LDR's aren't supposed to last, that's the whole point that I made above. Didn't you read any of it? You get what you want out of these chicks for how ever long you can. It isn't about falling in love and having true love. We aren't here to build and develop something other than having sex on command. A chick who is willing to come to you and to fvck you all night or for an entire weekend. That's what we are here to do, fvck hot women with high interest with putting in the minimal effort of an LDR. Chicks with high interst will do that. They will give up their schedules and drive many miles to see you if they feel you are worth it. Then you can put in your token visit every now and then to keep it going. That's how it works.

It's about adding another plate to your rotation and having another chick to fvck. Do you expect to have a plate last forever? No. Then why would you expect an LDR to last forever? You don't have an LDR as your only chick. You use the LDR chick to mix in with the other chicks you're fvcking until you find a chick who is actually worth it to have a relationship with. Why is this so hard for you guys to understand?

PairPlusRoyalFlush said:
Stop being so thick. A long distance plate/fwb is NOT the same as a long distance (monogamous) relationship.

Well no sh1t. :crackup:

I told the guy who's long distance (monogamous) relationship failed, to next time use his LDR as a long distance plate. So it doesn't bite him in the ass the next time he tries. Isn't that the point of this forum? To give people advice? :yes:

PairPlusRoyalFlush said:
This thread is talking about the latter. Why do you intentionally misinterpret threads on order to feign righteous anger? Lol.

He was asking questions and wanted our thoughts on LDR's, so I told him my thoughts about how he should be using LDR's to his benefit. Why don't you read everything in the thread first before commenting? That way, you don't embarrass yourself with silly comments. Lol

Pardner · Mar 11, 2014

rockingyoucuzican said:
Hey thanks for the confidence boost man. I'm doing better now, after hitting a new low two days ago. I removed her from facebook, helped a lot. That whole "online 5h ago" feature got to me. Was afraid to push her away, but what the hell, I gotta move on. Still gonna send her that birthday card in a week though, we left on good terms. May hurt to get a thank you text, but what the hell. Life hurts.

Anyway, what specifically failed in your LDRs?

I think we just lost momentum while away from each other. For some people distance makes the heart grown fonder. For others not so much, I guess she's just one of those people. Plus she was going through a tough period, which made her retreat. Don't think it's more complicated than that really, we would def keep going if it was local.

so you removed her from facebook and are still going to send her a birthday card? lol

Thatfeel21 · Mar 14, 2014

rascal99v said:
WTF? :crackup:

LDR's aren't supposed to last, that's the whole point that I made above. Didn't you read any of it? You get what you want out of these chicks for how ever long you can. It isn't about falling in love and having true love. We aren't here to build and develop something other than having sex on command. A chick who is willing to come to you and to fvck you all night or for an entire weekend. That's what we are here to do, fvck hot women with high interest with putting in the minimal effort of an LDR. Chicks with high interst will do that. They will give up their schedules and drive many miles to see you if they feel you are worth it. Then you can put in your token visit every now and then to keep it going. That's how it works.

It's about adding another plate to your rotation and having another chick to fvck. Do you expect to have a plate last forever? No. Then why would you expect an LDR to last forever? You don't have an LDR as your only chick. You use the LDR chick to mix in with the other chicks you're fvcking until you find a chick who is actually worth it to have a relationship with. Why is this so hard for you guys to understand?

Uh...Wait...Sir. You came at me as if I am an advocate of LDR. I am not. Did you not read the advice I gave to the OP?!

RagingBalls · Mar 14, 2014

I've been into a LDR years ago, i was working in a city while she teaches at a kindergarten school 400 miles from where i was. We were in our early 20's and she was madly in-love with me, i visit her once or twice every month (usually weekends) and sleep in her place, had great sex and she even "swallows". and she even massage me and pampers me (cooks my favourite meal, clean my clothes, massage). She cries everytime as i went back to work.

She's been honest with me that she has orbiters but she assured me that they'll remain as such as i am the only guy for her. I'm her ideal man as she says it. She's an HB8, petite, nice legs, she kinda looked like natalie imbruglia.

To be honest, a little background of the story, i was pursuing someone before we became as what we are. We used to be officemates, she worked as a secretary before she went back to teaching.During that time, a female friend at the office told me that our secretary that she's also close with told her one night while they're hanging out that she has a crush on me, and the reason she applied for the job as a secretary was to see me regularly. We go out the day after that and went to her place that night. I stopped pursuing the other girl that it turns out also liked me but i wasn't interested that time anymore.
That create a grudge between them as the other girl just works at another company at the same building.

I left my work from a better offer by another company and after a few months, she got accepted to the school she applied for though before that we regularly see each other. We became LDR for a year and she moved back to the city to where i work and applied to a school within and got hired.

Lesson here, it's going to work if a girl do more the effort. If she likes you a lot, she will find ways.

Sofomore · Mar 14, 2014

I just got out of a 1 year LDR 3 weeks ago, it was 70 miles apart. Started as a FWB where she would drive up any possible chance she could. Things were great but once the one year mark hit it was all bad during the times in between seeing each other and her actions showed she didn't care as much to come see me. I ended up driving to see her more in the last 2 months of the relationship. I value putting time into a girl that I genuinely click with. I don't waste time with low IL girls. Unfortunately, when we were apart the spark wasn't there. I saw the signs coming and ended it. It was like breaking up with myself but in the end it was a weight off my shoulders.

The year I spent with her was great and I'm happy I did it. I learned a lot about myself and relationships. She is planning to move to my city in about 6 months but I am not willing to have a sh!tty sex life for 6 months. I need sex every day with a girl I am in a relationship with.

After 3 weeks of self improvement I feel better than ever. I finally went on my first "date" since the breakup and fingered her in the middle of the street.

Things get better man, just be ready to move on no matter how hard it is.

adam225 · Mar 14, 2014

All this could of been solved in two simple sentences. 1. End the LDR, they're all pointless unless you can have them 100% YOUR WAY. 2. STOP CARING SO FVCKING MUCH ABOUT WOMEN.

OP, you were born to live your life, not to worry about women. As soon as you feel the need to highlight a women's behaviour and complain about it you've lost and become a slave to her vagina. NEVER BECOME A SLAVE TO THE VAGINA :cuss: .

Andre2807 · Mar 14, 2014

I have a simple rule for LDR's.

I tell her that I'm seeing other women, proceeding to tell her that she can see other men too.

1) If she's fine with it and she wants to stay in the LDR regardless, then you both are free from the "is he/she cheating on me" factor.

2) She rejects your suggestion. If she rejects it, you can do one of the following. Break up and celebrate freedom and meet other women, and putting her on the no-contact list, unless you want to remain friends... Or you can keep your on you LDR, but see other women disregarding the fact that you are technically cheating.

I stopped doing LDR for one reason. I want to have the freedom to date women, seeing them, touching them... and when I'm in a "serious" LDR... I feel constricted.

That's just my view.

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