Wolfgang D
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2011
- Messages
- 242
- Reaction score
- 23
This is a combined field report and resolution; typing it out will make it more definite in my mind. Since I stopped seeing a girl this summer I have done many approaches, both cold approaches and in social circles, but it is time to stop working on some plates and just drop them. This way they won't consume more of my time and thoughts. Out from my pen, out of my mind, as it were.
Quick description of the four:
Scarf Girl: Saw her walk down the street on a sunny summer day, so I quickly parked my bike and started walking in the same direction. (Had to jog around a building to turn up at a corner just before she got there. Would have looked funny if anyone had seen what I was doing.) In an area with large trees lined up I commented on them and summer with a smile, and she replied, also with a smile. We talked for a while, she seemed flattered that I would talk to her out of the blue. Also, she was fairly new in town. Works very hard with advanced doctorate research.
The reason I made an effort to stop and approach her was that she had a colorful scarf draped over her shoulders, kind of like this, and she also wore bracelets and large earrings in a tasteful way - so unusual, but also attractive, that I guessed she must be interesting to talk to. And she is. I went sightseeing with her once, and we have met and talked at a coffee shop several times. I have tried to invite her to other activities and to my place, but she always says that she is busy. She just wants a friend. So I have dragged this out, only met her sparingly, but it isn't going anywhere. Besides, I know she is going to move away in a few months because of her research. Time to drop it. Too bad, Scarf Girl is fascinating and charismatic.
Swimmer Girl: Met through Mensa, she joined as a new member. Found out that she goes swimming regularly, so I suggested we do it together sometime. Did it once, and spent some time in the bathhouse restaurant afterward. Got invited to her place later under a pretext of helping her with paperwork (her initiative) and getting dinner as a reward, after which we watched a terribly bad movie and I ended up spending the night there since it was too late to go home, or so I said. But try as I might, I couldn't even get her to take off her pyjamas in bed. She wanted to be held but nothing more. Period. I have never experienced that situation before. She had recently gotten out of a four-year relationship, that probably had something to do with it.
Saw her again during social activities sometimes, sent her the occasional quick email, went swimming one more time together as we had scheduled that earlier. But it's time to drop this completely.
Salsa Girl: Met her through social circles, turns out she likes to dance salsa. I went twice to salsa/bachata events recommended by her, where they have two hours of instructions for different levels and then five hours of free dance afterward. This is a big event, around 100-120 people in the same place. Salsa Girl was there the first time, and I danced some with her, but not much more than with other girls. I made sure to have a carefree attitude to the whole thing, since she is an advanced dancer and I am not.
Had barbecue with her once close to where I live, and watched a movie at my place, but failed to escalate that evening. Dang it, how could I miss? Oh well. Have to drop her, not going anywhere.
Dating Girl: Met her through an event, a pub meeting for singles. Fun to watch all the AFCs handle it wrong, vying for attention from the girls, talking their ears off and agreeing to everything they said in reply. Me, I just talked a bit with the girls, ignored them much of the time while having an interesting conversation with some of the guys, then contacted the girl I was interested in six days later through email (didn't have her phone number but we all signed up on the internet) to say hey, I'm going back to your town again in two weeks, want to grab some coffee at a rustique old coffee shop? That worked. Didn't click, though. Think I talked too much, dammit. I also had a cold when we met for coffee, that threw me off a bit.
But we still met a second time, coffee shop in her town again after doing some shopping. (I needed a gift for a female family member and asked her to come along for advice - the gift won't be handed over until December, but she doesn't need to know that.) Then ... nothing, really. Did she hook up with some other, more local guy from the dating meetups, which are still going on? Possibly. Oh well.
...And one more, Train Girl: Met her at the train station when heading back to our town late one evening (incidentally, after a terrible date with a girl I met online). Bought her coffee before the train would arrive. She was flattered and definitely attracted. Touched my arm and all that, which while a classic sign that you always read about, usually doesn't happen. She put her hand on my arm while riding the train later - I could definitely have kissed her, if we hadn't had people sitting nearby. This girl was definitely ready to go. Met her at a bar a week later. I was so sure of this one. Asked if she wanted to come back to my place, and she said, "I really want to, I do. But I have to do something back home tonight."
Later she told me in email that she has a boyfriend - and I believe they live together. She said sorry, and that we couldn't see each other again.
Final thoughts: There have been some other girls too, yet I am having trouble taking things further ever since things ended with my LTR in the summer. Feels a bit like I have lost my edge. Or like I have gotten older and less attractive (even though I've never been more fit), which is an unsettling thought. In my early thirties, but still pursuing girls in their twenties, since I haven't found any attractive thirty-something singles. What I do wrong, I think, is not paying enough attention to the girl at a date. I just can't be bothered anymore. Have to hit myself over the head and not talk too much about things that interest me, I need to remember the rules about date conversations.
I guess, in the back of my mind it feels like I shouldn't need to run the laps anymore. But it's either that or stay in an LTR, you won't have anything served on a platter when you're single. Dammit, I know how to do this - I feel absolutely no nervousness either when approaching or dating, it's been years since I was a newbie. I just have to get the edge back. But not with these girls, I am going to get new plates, somewhere. A fresh start helps clear your head.
Quick description of the four:
Scarf Girl: Saw her walk down the street on a sunny summer day, so I quickly parked my bike and started walking in the same direction. (Had to jog around a building to turn up at a corner just before she got there. Would have looked funny if anyone had seen what I was doing.) In an area with large trees lined up I commented on them and summer with a smile, and she replied, also with a smile. We talked for a while, she seemed flattered that I would talk to her out of the blue. Also, she was fairly new in town. Works very hard with advanced doctorate research.
The reason I made an effort to stop and approach her was that she had a colorful scarf draped over her shoulders, kind of like this, and she also wore bracelets and large earrings in a tasteful way - so unusual, but also attractive, that I guessed she must be interesting to talk to. And she is. I went sightseeing with her once, and we have met and talked at a coffee shop several times. I have tried to invite her to other activities and to my place, but she always says that she is busy. She just wants a friend. So I have dragged this out, only met her sparingly, but it isn't going anywhere. Besides, I know she is going to move away in a few months because of her research. Time to drop it. Too bad, Scarf Girl is fascinating and charismatic.
Swimmer Girl: Met through Mensa, she joined as a new member. Found out that she goes swimming regularly, so I suggested we do it together sometime. Did it once, and spent some time in the bathhouse restaurant afterward. Got invited to her place later under a pretext of helping her with paperwork (her initiative) and getting dinner as a reward, after which we watched a terribly bad movie and I ended up spending the night there since it was too late to go home, or so I said. But try as I might, I couldn't even get her to take off her pyjamas in bed. She wanted to be held but nothing more. Period. I have never experienced that situation before. She had recently gotten out of a four-year relationship, that probably had something to do with it.
Saw her again during social activities sometimes, sent her the occasional quick email, went swimming one more time together as we had scheduled that earlier. But it's time to drop this completely.
Salsa Girl: Met her through social circles, turns out she likes to dance salsa. I went twice to salsa/bachata events recommended by her, where they have two hours of instructions for different levels and then five hours of free dance afterward. This is a big event, around 100-120 people in the same place. Salsa Girl was there the first time, and I danced some with her, but not much more than with other girls. I made sure to have a carefree attitude to the whole thing, since she is an advanced dancer and I am not.
Had barbecue with her once close to where I live, and watched a movie at my place, but failed to escalate that evening. Dang it, how could I miss? Oh well. Have to drop her, not going anywhere.
Dating Girl: Met her through an event, a pub meeting for singles. Fun to watch all the AFCs handle it wrong, vying for attention from the girls, talking their ears off and agreeing to everything they said in reply. Me, I just talked a bit with the girls, ignored them much of the time while having an interesting conversation with some of the guys, then contacted the girl I was interested in six days later through email (didn't have her phone number but we all signed up on the internet) to say hey, I'm going back to your town again in two weeks, want to grab some coffee at a rustique old coffee shop? That worked. Didn't click, though. Think I talked too much, dammit. I also had a cold when we met for coffee, that threw me off a bit.
But we still met a second time, coffee shop in her town again after doing some shopping. (I needed a gift for a female family member and asked her to come along for advice - the gift won't be handed over until December, but she doesn't need to know that.) Then ... nothing, really. Did she hook up with some other, more local guy from the dating meetups, which are still going on? Possibly. Oh well.
...And one more, Train Girl: Met her at the train station when heading back to our town late one evening (incidentally, after a terrible date with a girl I met online). Bought her coffee before the train would arrive. She was flattered and definitely attracted. Touched my arm and all that, which while a classic sign that you always read about, usually doesn't happen. She put her hand on my arm while riding the train later - I could definitely have kissed her, if we hadn't had people sitting nearby. This girl was definitely ready to go. Met her at a bar a week later. I was so sure of this one. Asked if she wanted to come back to my place, and she said, "I really want to, I do. But I have to do something back home tonight."
Later she told me in email that she has a boyfriend - and I believe they live together. She said sorry, and that we couldn't see each other again.
Final thoughts: There have been some other girls too, yet I am having trouble taking things further ever since things ended with my LTR in the summer. Feels a bit like I have lost my edge. Or like I have gotten older and less attractive (even though I've never been more fit), which is an unsettling thought. In my early thirties, but still pursuing girls in their twenties, since I haven't found any attractive thirty-something singles. What I do wrong, I think, is not paying enough attention to the girl at a date. I just can't be bothered anymore. Have to hit myself over the head and not talk too much about things that interest me, I need to remember the rules about date conversations.
I guess, in the back of my mind it feels like I shouldn't need to run the laps anymore. But it's either that or stay in an LTR, you won't have anything served on a platter when you're single. Dammit, I know how to do this - I feel absolutely no nervousness either when approaching or dating, it's been years since I was a newbie. I just have to get the edge back. But not with these girls, I am going to get new plates, somewhere. A fresh start helps clear your head.
