Push for forgiveness or let time heal the wounds?

So this past Saturday night my gf and I had a pretty big (drunk)fight and I did something really stupid and said some things I shouldn't have. The next morning, after apologizing several times, I took her to do something she had to do that we had previously talked about me taking her to. Things were cool and fine between us while we were there but I knew she was still hurt from everything from the night before.

After her thing, I asked her if she wanted space from me that night, sensing that she was still hurt, and to be left alone and she said yea, so I let her be.

Monday evening after she got off work I surprised her with dinner at her place, and we were watching tv and laughing together and stuff, but when I left to go to my night job she wouldn't kiss me, just a real cold hug.

I know it's just Tuesday night, but things still feel pretty much the same, as in like she really hasn't forgiven me and is still not sure how to feel about the whole situation. We both work a lot and I only saw her briefly today for a second at the gym she works at(where I workout too) and it was just in quick passing since she was busy.

I know from being here a while that you should only apologize for something once, but I still feel like there has been no resolution from the whole fight and that she's still pissed.

My question is, do I push the issue any further that I'm still sorry or just let things play out like they have been and see if time will just heal the wounds? Kinda stuck on this one.

What did you do/say exactly?

Did you talk about it?

Either way, if you keep acting like a puppy who just pooped on daddy's shoe, she's going to treat you like one. Man up. Don't keep putting up with her distant "cold" behavior.

Do your own thing, if she's not feeling you then feel something else. Disappear, focus on something else. Eventually she'll try to wrangle you back in.

dementia said:

What did you do/say exactly?

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We were fighting about something on the ride home after a night out and I have absolutely no recollection of what it was cause I was so drunk. I dropped her off at her house and immediately left, don't remember the circumstances cause once again, I was so drunk.

She left her phone in my car and when I left I looked through it(which I shouldn't have, BIG AFC MOVE) she started blowing up my phone with FaceTime from her iPad, cause she knew something was up, so I eventually brought it back. She asked me what I had been doing and I, pulling ANOTHER BIG AND EMBARRASSING AFC MOVE(cause I was drunk and stupid and didn't care at the time) told her I had looked through it.

That kicked off a whole other long fight about me lying to her and not trusting her and me being needy, and we both brought up things from the past and it was just a huge ****ing mess. So there's that massacre I created in a nutshell.

plate's_empty said:

Did you talk about it?

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No, we haven't really talked about it at all actually. I want to, but she acts like she wants to avoid it all cause I know she's still pissed and probably doesn't know what to think about it all. There are things I want to tell her, like I don't want to drink that heavily when we go out and party anymore, cause only bad things come from it. We fight, we argue, I turn insecure and rude, it's not pretty.

I'm pretty humbled through all this cause my behavior was embarrassing, and talking about it just on a message board is hard enough, let alone bringing it up again with her.

That's why I'm coming here to you men for sound advice. I know what I did wrong and how I ****ed up and I know how I need to change.

I just need some advice on how to proceed with her. Thanks in advance guys.

or at least don't drink till you lose your control.... really I never understand why drink till you lose your control and memorys

I am definitely never going to allow myself to drink excessively ever again. I never want to be so drunk again that I don't remember why an argument even started. It's a horrible feeling and not worth it. Thanks for the support guys.

Now it's just a matter of what happens with me and her.

Indifference is key. If you really feel you did something wrong, just don't do it again.

So I saw her tonight, promised her nothing like that would ever happen again and that I am never going to get that drunk ever again and that things will be different from here on out, she pretty much said she'll believe it when she sees it.

So I've pretty much ****ed myself by goin through her phone and acting so needy and insecure when I was drunk.

I'm at a loss of to how to prove to her that things can and will be different. I know deep down she would want things to work out cause we've been together for almost 3 years and we have a really deep relationship. I just don't know how I can dig myself out of this hole.

Any ideas how I can prove to her that I'm not insecure about what she does or who she talks to, and that it was just me being a drunk idiot?

This will happen. Do not however let this be a weak point for you where you begin to grovel so much at her feet that you hand her complete power over you in the relationship for fear of loosing her. As crude as this may sound, you always have to be willing to walk, even when you yourself fück up. We all do. Yeah, and? She either forgives you for it, uses it against you forever, or you both walk.

I say, let it unfold naturally without pressing for fast recovery. It may just be a small break that'll make her miss you and re-fortify your relationship.

If she just can't get over it, then she was looking for an excuse to put this relationship to sleep for a long time now, so be warned and be a step ahead of her.

Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

is this your first big fight?

the first fight in a relationship is like the first crack in the ice. after that, it gets easier and easier to make more cracks, until the whole thing falls apart.

regardless, you'll need to step up your game from now on if you want the relationship to improve.

I'm More worried about you drunk driving than you having an argument with your girl to be honest.

What possesed you to drive if you were in such a state that you dont even remember what you were saying?

sort the drink out first, then worry about the girl.

In fact - dont worry about the girl. She probably isnt worth it anyway.


Edit - just read through the thread a little.

She OWNS your ass. YOU ARE A PVSSY WHIPPED PHAGGOT> >>>> SORT THAT SHIIT OUT.

You can lead a horse to water, but not make them drink. You can also apologize to a woman and not be forgiven. That's why you should only do it once. Either she accepts the apology or she does not. Any woman you're going to stay with for a long time would be accepting those apologies.

At this point, you should just plan for things to be over between you and her. You said you're sorry, and she didn't accept it. There's not much more you can do. You can blame yourself for whatever you did, but it is just as much her fault for not forgiving you. Learn from it and move on.

Lord Hypnos said:

is this your first big fight?

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Naw, we've had a couple big fights. Been together for close to 3 years.

VladPatton said:

As crude as this may sound, you always have to be willing to walk, even when you yourself fück up. We all do. Yeah, and? She either forgives you for it, uses it against you forever, or you both walk.

I say, let it unfold naturally without pressing for fast recovery. It may just be a small break that'll make her miss you and re-fortify your relationship.

If she just can't get over it, then she was looking for an excuse to put this relationship to sleep for a long time now, so be warned and be a step ahead of her.

Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

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Yea, I mean I have tons of friends and plenty of girls around me who I could easily make something happen with if I so desired. Being ready and willing to walk isn't a problem, I just want to try everything possible to make it work before it comes to that.

I know I can't press for fast recovery, so I'm thinking about being the one to say we need to take a break for a set amount of time(to shift some frame back that I've lost, if possible), say for like 2 weeks or something, to prove to her that I truly don't care what she does or who she hangs out with, and then we come back and see how things feel. I'd obviously go no contact for whatever that set time is and like you said, see if makes her miss me and see if something works out at the end of it.

I have plenty of friends and girls to go hang out with and a TON of amazing stuff going on in my life. I know deep down that I'm the prize and any girl would be lucky to be with me, I've just ****ed up a few times in my current relationship when I've done some stupid drunk sh!t.

Thoughts on going that route?

Bible_Belt said:

You can lead a horse to water, but not make them drink. You can also apologize to a woman and not be forgiven. That's why you should only do it once. Either she accepts the apology or she does not. Any woman you're going to stay with for a long time would be accepting those apologies.

At this point, you should just plan for things to be over between you and her. You said you're sorry, and she didn't accept it. There's not much more you can do. You can blame yourself for whatever you did, but it is just as much her fault for not forgiving you. Learn from it and move on.

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And I can't NOT acknowledge the great Bible_Belt's reply.

I know she deep down cares for me and wants this to work out over time, and I too really care for her obviously. She's just young, confused, and worst of all a girl, so she has no idea what she wants, so I'm going to take charge.

So I think I'm gonna just straight up tell her on Friday that "Hey, it's obvious that you don't want to forgive me or get past this right now, so here's what's gonna happen: We are gonna take a mini-healthy break from each other for 3 weeks, to give each other space. From this, I want you to see that I'm not insecure and I'm fine with you talking to and hanging out with whoever you want and doing whatever you want. We'll plan on hanging out 3 Fridays from today and see how things are."

At that point I can see if she's forgiven me or misses me(which knowing her I can bet you she will). This will also give me more than enough time to get backup chicks lined up at the door, in the event she's still the same and doesn't want to move on.

Trust me, I have learned from this, now I just want to see if it can be worked through, or if not......let the walk begin...

Danger said:

I would just stop bringing it up. If she continues to be cold, then just walk away.

The great Jophil before he passed said something that stuck with me. "It is not your job to shuck her like an oyster".

If she does not want to talk, stop trying to get her to talk. It won't do you any good. She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to warm up. She doesn't care if you are sorry.

Bringing it up over and over again, saying sorry over and over again, telling her how you will not do it again is not working. The only thing that can possibly work in your favor is to just give her space and leave her alone. Take this time to go out and do some cool stuff, without her. Realize that your life is not over if your relationship ends. Let it go.

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Thanks Danger. I always appreciate your advice, and that's exactly what I want to do is make myself scarce and give her a lot of space and see what happens. I know I can move on if this relationship ends, and who knows what the future holds down the road. That's why I think I'll just straight up tell her we're gonna take a break for a few weeks and go no contact like I stated previously.

Mauser96 said:

Why would you tell her you are going to take a break? I hope you know that is a free pass to date others.

Just make yourself a bit scarce for a couple weeks. See what happens.

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Yea, I realized a little bit ago what an error that would be too. Just need to choose my words wisely.

Im interested in knowing what happens. Keep us posted.

Thatfeel21 said:

Im interested in knowing what happens. Keep us posted.

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I definitely will.

I reckon don't speak...do!
As others have said, don't telegraph what you're going to do. Get her hamster spinning out of control by just pulling back a bit.
Don't beg for her affection or attention, just cool things down a bit.
If she comes running to you, that's good. If she flakes completely, she was simply looking for any excuse to end it anyway.

Greasy Pig said:

I reckon don't speak...do!
As others have said, don't telegraph what you're going to do. Get her hamster spinning out of control by just pulling back a bit.

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Trust me, I REALLY want to just say nothing and go do whatever the **** I want(which I intend to do).

My only issue or concern with this and not saying anything about us taking some healthy time and space apart for a few weeks(and definitely NOT a break) has to do with the situation with the drinking and whatnot around the whole fight.

With it being the weekend now, I don't want her to just wander and think that I'm just blowing her off to go party and get super wasted or something like that, based on this past fight(which I have absolutely no desire to do now anyway).

Trust me, I strongly believe her hamster will be spinning PLENTY if I go no contact from her for 3 whole weeks. I definitely want to make her miss me, and I know for a fact she will considering we are together ALL the time. I just don't want her to think I've given up on us or trying to save the relationship.

It's a sticky situation.