In a whole lot of confusion

Hi guys,

this is my first post on the forum so a big hello to all of you,

I like most people think of myself as being a strong individual but then life throws a curve ball at you, and you end up complicating relatively simple matters, anyways so here goes the narration of my problem

i live in a country(india) where arranged marriages are still thought of to be as the only way to matrimony, which is besides the point really, because i wanted some opinion of what i am going through from your perspective

about three years ago i met a friend of mine who was in primary school with me(lets call him g), he got married, and his wife(lets call her x) and i are good friends, steadily i was introduced to his family, which included x's sister(let's call her y), we started talking, and we really hit it off, we had a lot of similarities she doesn't live in my city but she was going through a rough patch in her collapsed relationship with a guy, and i consoled her, anyways last year, we g, x and me decided on a road trip and we went and visited x's house, during that time i got closer to y, she vacated her room for me, and even gifted me a few presents which i thought to be really sweet of her(don't say aww just yet even i bought a purse for her) mind you i had nothing of the sort in my mind except a simple friendship, i came back and barely a month later, it was my birthday and she travelled to meet me on my birthday(x and g were there too), it meant a lot to me at the time, and i felt awkward about not being able to spend time with her because i had to go to work later in the evening,

we used to message all the time, days at a stretch, and then later something changed as they do, regardless i didn't want to read too much into it, because i know how friendships and the hunger to know someone can get exhausted overtime, about two months ago, i started to talk to her again, and by this time my feelings for her had grown, as i had started to interact with other girls they seemed to lack something i value very deeply, honesty and loyalty, and regard for family(or so i thought) so my feelings for her grew

i started to look to her as relationship option and wanted to get close to her, so i intiated dialogue and conversation during which i found she'd gone through a lot, emotionally as she'd had some serious skin condition causing eruption on her face, this somehow drew me to her even more, and a day or two later, i told her how i felt about her, and that i wanted to get into a relationship with her, she didn't reject me but told me that she wasn't sure as she was scarred emotionally by her last bf(which means 'no' in my dictionary) and was 'shocked' by my proposal because she didn't expect it, i reacted immaturely at the time because i was hurt, and told her and hour or two later that perhaps it was best if we stopped talking, she was upset by that, and after getting my head toegether after a few days, i told her confidently 'that i am not asking you to decide right now, you can take your time and think about it, and if you feel that its possible, we can work something out, and please do not tell g' and she reacted 'you are an amazing guy, and how understanding you are' meanwhile the same night i told my friend g about what was happening with y, because i didn't want him to find out from somebody else as he's a good friend of mine, a week later y confided in g about this matter and all hell broke loose, she blamed me for inadevrtantly shaking her trust in him and so on, i retorted but after that i took all the blame on to myself for the sake of their relationship and stopped talking to her, each time after that she's initiated conversation, day before she even called me up, and we talked today, and she says 'u remember that hot guy in college? he's after my life, and even i am flirting with him' and so on(something she used to do even a year ago)
and i reacted calmly by telling her to chase after him bla bla, after that she informs me she's coming to the city in two weeks and if i'll be free to meet her,


this has landed me in a lot of confusion and i am wondering if its a good idea to go see her..should i?

syntheticpredator said:

...and i reacted calmly by telling her to chase after him bla bla, after that she informs me she's coming to the city in two weeks and if i'll be free to meet her,


this has landed me in a lot of confusion and i am wondering if its a good idea to go see her..should i?

Click to expand...

thats about the only thing you did right...and see what happened?
I dont know about the culture in India but in the west, meeting her would involve alcohol, and getting up close and personal with her, not of this dating/ friendship Balls..at least it would with me.
in western terms her interest would appear to be fluctuating to say the least, however as I suspect India is more conservative, once this is factored in, her interest would appear higher, she is travelling to see you, thats always a good sign. 'my only advice would be is, be more direct, get a little more physical, push a few buttons and see what change you get out of the machine

betheman said:

thats about the only thing you did right...and see what happened?
I dont know about the culture in India but in the west, meeting her would involve alcohol, and getting up close and personal with her, not of this dating/ friendship Balls..

once this is factored in, her interest would appear higher, she is travelling to see you, thats always a good sign. 'my only advice would be is, be more direct, get a little more physical, push a few buttons and see what change you get out of the machine

Click to expand...

LOL, well yes india is conservative but not all of it , meeting her will involve alcohol and dinner, thanks for your prompt advice

its amazing how when you put your stuff down in writing, it makes you realise how big a wiener you've been, i just read my 1st post and i see all my mistakes, and i've been far more conservative and less objective than i usually am, because i wanted to be sensitive to this girl, and it totally bit me in the a, time to make some changes, and fast

While the general ideas on this board hold true for all relationship seeking males from different cultures, it's important to calibrate your aggression to a point where it's not viewed as an obnoxious act in (insert wherever country).

If you go the platonic route, you'll fail, but in your case if she's quite conservative (and I know it depends on which part of India you are from), you can't just take her out to drink and expect a same day lay. That won't work on a bulk of the girls there. You have to test the calibration point and push it to the point where she views you as an alpha, but not as someone who is way over the top obnoxious.

sure, i totally get where you're coming from

i guess i have myself to blame for the weak image i painted of myself, i gave in easily when i was confronted, and was always afraid of hurting her, so i used to give a lot of thought before saying anything to her, which is not a good thing, i was overthinking everything i was saying, and now the more i think about it the more i realise that it was her over reactions that led me to do that, and very little to do with what i had to say, so its her problem not mine and she has to deal with it as she sees fit, as for me, post that 'fight' with her, i started looking for other girls and options, maybe its one of those times that it 'doesn't' work out, and i am ok with that, reading certain threads on this forum made me realise that i shouldn't be an 'option' to somebody who is a 'priority' to me, should concentrate on being myself, and the take it as it come, i am just looking forward to it as just another date, lets see what happens

i thought i'd update this thread, maybe it helps someone

i did some introspection and understood that maybe i didn't go all out and there were certain instances where i thought my actions could've been misunderstood, so i took an off from work, and i spent the day with her, we had a good time, we watched a play, i dropped her home, spent some time with her at home and then i left, i concluded that there wasn't anything there to pursue and i left it at that, subsequently i had a date 28th with one girl, and date on the 29th with another girl, i really liked her and we're going out again day after, its a huge change, where the other one was selfish and emotionally static, this one is giving and understanding, thanks guys for all your help, i needed to move on and i just needed someone to tell me it was time to put it to rest

I've always found it emotionally easier letting go than struggling to win someone over, its really mentally taxing and stressful cause you just can't convince someone to change their feelings logically, the feelings are there or they ain't, something AFC's never realize, don't forget what you learnt, its better to have a clean slate or at least to pursue one, than to keep beating a dead horse, expecting to spark something from doing something different when your someone's opinion of you is cemented is an exercise of futility. Good luck and enjoy yourself