Friendzone - I mucked up massively, Is this salvageable?

Hi,
I wanted to start a thread on this and get some advice as well as knowing where I went wrong.

I started seeing this girl a few months ago, who was introduced through a friend and it was amazing; the dates went brilliantly she was really getting into it and she came back to mine after the second date. She was adamant that she didn't want to do anything though and so we didn't have full sex she just jerked me off.

In addition to this I knew she'd been on some terrible internet dates with another guy and said how bad he'd been, i didn't think anything of it at the time.

We then went on a two more dates before the inevitable happened and she came back to mine again and we finally had sex. She text me after and said she had an amazing time and was sorry she had to leave early the next day. We went on two more dates, but the final time she wouldn't come back with me. After that she then texted me and said I think we should just be friends. i didn't reply at first and then she sent another text saying please don't hate me.

I stupidly replied and started texting her again, and this went on for another month but she said she couldn't meet up because of work (she works in tv production so it was always difficult to see her anyway).
Finally we met up again a week ago and it was great just like old times, we had an awesome date and everything was going really well, so i kissed her towards the end of the night. At first she pulled away but then when I went in again, we really got going and she was enjoying it. She then said she was really confused and started going on about how she didn't know what she wanted and how she hasn't been in a relationship for 8 years and is scared. I started saying what have we got to lose and when don't we just give it a go? We went our seperate ways that evening and kissed again before we parted. I waited for a few days before sending her a message asking whether she wanted to meet up at the weekend and got no response. i wanted for a bit longer before sending another one saying that i didn't want to give up unless she wanted me to because i really thought there could be something there.

She then replied with a really cold message just saying that she still wanted to be friends and didn't know what she was doing. She said she was now seeing someone else and she didn't know whether she had made the right decision but felt she had to go with it. I stupidly got stressed and wrote back an angry response saying why had she kissed me then and got me to meet up with her, and also i hoped it wasn't the guy from the dates! I regreted it but it was how I was feeling at the time. I sent another quite long message saying how i thought she was just running away from stuff and how great we were. And then a final message just apologising and saying I never meant to be mean (wussy I know). (I know for a fact through our mutual friend that she is seeing that guy from the dates, but it is very early days and my friend seems to think it might not last -she was taking the piss out of him).

I then cut it off; deleted her number and Facebook and have not been in contact since (over a week). I've also had no replies.

I realise in hindsight that i never should have texted back when she initially said about being friends a month ago, at least i would be over it by now if nothing else.

But is it too late now, am I forever in the friendzone with this girl, or is it completely over? Do you think by cutting myself off now she may become curious and get in contact later. I want to give it another go but i realise that i have made myself seem too needy and it might not ever happen now.

Any advice would be great guys, she's really torn me up.

Thanks

Eh, well I don't know about 'mucking' it up. From what I've read, I don't think you did too too bad. But there are some things, which unfortunately for you, you have to realize. First one, she's not that into you, and she's not interested. It sucks, hell I just got out that feeling awhile ago, but unfortunately true.

Now for mistakes, not too bad from what I can see, when she said "I think we should just be friends", that's when you should have said, "Sure, I was kind of thinking the same thing", and started looking at other girls. Then go on about your thing, if she texts, light and short, until she is constantly bugging you to do something. You seemed to do most of it, and it's good you got her to go on a date (though it does seem like you trying to get her to come out, more than her trying as well). I don't know if she was thinking of it as a date or hanging out as friends, thus her reluctance to kiss you (she definitely has some level of attraction in there, but not enough to ensure certainty). I think when she said "I haven't been in a relationship in 8 years and I'm scared", you should have said something like "Whoa, relationship? This is just a date", something to show you haven't prep'd for that point yet. Then she might have calmed a bit down, maybe. And then you let it be, until she gets in touch with you. Regardless, you need to look and wait for more reciprocal actions/interest before advancing to the next step. A girl will always let you know if they like you, they won't play games and be unavailable or be hanging out with other guys, they will contact you and talk to you (as I have learnt the hard way). They will not sabotage their chances with you. Whatever you had with this girl, she has made it absolutely clear that she does not want to be with you by declaring she is seeing someone else. Until she reverses that statement somehow directly to you, that is it. Don't take them not working out as a 'chance' or a 'sign' for your new, reinvigorated efforts to make it work. If she wants you, she knows where to find you.

Now, for the hardest part about this, you must destroy any hope left inside yourself in hooking back up with her. You've seen it pull you through the messages, which you may find surprising is the same steps of loss and grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Getting rid of that hope of "Maybe she will text me and say she loves me after all" will enable you to get your bearing, get who you actually are and acting like yourself again. Pull yourself through those steps once, and only once. That's the true power of no contact. Otherwise you will drag yourself through those steps over and over again.

I highly recommend reading the 'No contact' thread, tons of people going through or have been through the same thing in there. Including what happens when people break it... usually goes bad, or it goes good! For a short bit, then goes back to worse.

I've been there, it sucks. You can do it.

On an overall picture, she has no clue what she wants. On a specific picture, she knows she doesn't want it with you. Girls can turn hot to cold, angel to devil, in an instant. Not always your fault. In this case, the delete button is your friend. Go NC for your own good. Not worth pursuing. If she wants to bang or go out for a drink , she has your number and can contact you.

Not worth the hassle. Once you've been friendzoned it's a huge pit to get out of. I'm not saying it's not possible, just that it's not worth it. Why would you want to work 100x as hard to win over a woman when you could spend of that fraction attracting another one? Better yet, why not aim to become a man that attracts many women? I have also really liked a woman in the past and held on long after it was over and I'm telling you from first hand experience that it's not worth it. Move forward from this girl and focus on yourself. You'll always meet someone "better" anyway just remember that. It's not as if attractive women are in short supply.

Thanks appreciate the posts, just feel a bit used by her, and unfortunately will be seeing her again in a few weeks at a mutual work party which won't help. Will just have to maintain a civil front and not let it worry me.

I'm doing No Contact though and have made sure I have deleted every way to contact her.

Move along, nothing to see here. You could have said you had $10 Billion and wanted to take her to Hawaii and it wouldn't have changed things. For whatever reason, she just is not into you.

Do as you are doing now. Never contact her again. If you see her out, be civil and move along. Find someone who does worship spending time with you. Don't waste time worshipping someone who doesn't want to be with you.

wpet16 said:

Thanks appreciate the posts, just feel a bit used by her, and unfortunately will be seeing her again in a few weeks at a mutual work party which won't help. Will just have to maintain a civil front and not let it worry me.

I'm doing No Contact though and have made sure I have deleted every way to contact her.

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why be civil?

Just act like shes any other stranger you know, crack jokes, shoot the ****. At the end of the day its water off of your back. No need to be civil because your not uncivil in the first place. You have to practice strength and stability.

cordoncordon said:

Move along, nothing to see here. You could have said you had $10 Billion and wanted to take her to Hawaii and it wouldn't have changed things. For whatever reason, she just is not into you.

Do as you are doing now. Never contact her again. If you see her out, be civil and move along. Find someone who does worship spending time with you. Don't waste time worshipping someone who doesn't want to be with you.

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Yes, do as it's written here. At first it will actually be hard and you will have the urge to write or talk to her. This is normal actually, but do your best to fight it. In time it will get better. Concerning the future, when you notice that interaction is heading towards a friendzone type scenario just minimize your time with that person and find someone else. Actually as long as your single always be on the look out for other women to talk too. That way you won't get stuck and feel terrible if it doesn't work out with a particular woman. That's the sniper approach, you focus on one target. What you want is the sawed off shot gun approach, aim at many and pick the best of the bunch that is receptive. The rest who cares about.

cordoncordon said:

Move along, nothing to see here. You could have said you had $10 Billion and wanted to take her to Hawaii and it wouldn't have changed things. For whatever reason, she just is not into you.

Do as you are doing now. Never contact her again. If you see her out, be civil and move along. Find someone who does worship spending time with you. Don't waste time worshipping someone who doesn't want to be with you.

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Ding ding ding cordoncordon hitting the nail on the head again. Hopefully the OP follows this and doesn't get all emotional (lol) about it.

Next!

You should already be too busy with the other 10 girls on your list to even worry about her. If she comes back to you on her own, then perhaps you can take some time out of your busy schedule.

It's just one girl... chill out and relax.

**** 10 other women. One does not simply enter the friendzone that fast. You need to be really great AFC after you fvcked her to get into. I don't fall into friendzone and I'm a virgin for now...

You're probably her rebound. Happened once to me... Find another one to have fun with , because if she leaves you and you end up with 0 plates, you'll get butthurt a bit.

Interesting thread.

Thanks everyone, I know don't worry I'm not going to get emotional!

Just feel like an idiot, I just wish I had a time machine only discovered these forums after I got waay too needy, should have done NC back before when she first decided she didnt want to know but unfortunately I sucked into carrying on speaking.

I realise my mistakes now, it's just annoying as she was a cracker, really good personality and killer body - but I guess she kinda knew that!
Obviously had this guy in reserve too..

She's just broken NC saying she hopes I'm ok and smiling! Wierd.

Okay, here is the deal. When a girl is iffy with you it is not because she is scared of potential relationship. Girls want to be in relationships; it's part of how they define themselves. It is because she is weighing options with someone else. You are backup boy. 99.9% of the time a girl's hot/cold behavior is due to there being another guy; she wants him but just isn't sure if that guy wants her. So, in the meantime, you're the plate getting spun. Sex doesn't always mean commitment or bonding with a girl. Hell, she might well have been imagining this guy the entire time you were thrusting inside her -- how does that make you feel?

While you should not want her back, the only way to get her back is for her to come to you, which means you stay no contact until she inquires about hanging out together. It is entirely about her feelings, not about how you rationalize things. Her feelings for you won't change from neg to pos until her feelings for this guy change from pos to neg. And you cannot force that.

And by the way, you didn't muck it up -- you were in the friendzone before you even knew it because you thought you were the only guy she was boinking.

wpet16 said:

She's just broken NC saying she hopes I'm ok and smiling! Wierd.

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Did you reply to that?

If I were you I would just ignore it and continue with NC.

Thanks DonJuanabe. No I haven't replied, I'm just going to carry on No Contact, as I said, I'll be seeing her next month unfortunately at this party, so there will be contact eventually, but I don't want to do anything before then.

I don't understand why she's still texting me, so Wierd. She said that my last messages were a bit intense, which they were but she's being infuriatingly polite, I'd rather her tell me to **** off. Then we could leave it be.

She doesn't know what she wants? Not ready for a relationship? :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

Not ready for a relationship with YOU. Simple as that.

Women are ALWAYS ready. I haven't seen an attractive girl go for more than 3 months single.

Looks, she is interested in another guy and is just stringing you along as an inbetweener.

Drop her and never look back. She's using you.

TillTheEndOfTime said:

She doesn't know what she wants? Not ready for a relationship? :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

Not ready for a relationship with YOU. Simple as that.

Women are ALWAYS ready. I haven't seen an attractive girl go for more than 3 months single.

Looks, she is interested in another guy and is just stringing you along as an inbetweener.

Drop her and never look back. She's using you.

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the golden rule of advice giving in bold. Drop her like shessss hottttttt