Is my friend able to be saved?

The reason I've became a DJ was because me, my closest friend and another friend were tired of being AFCs. So back in 2009, we started making ourselves better, even though we still had a very veyr rocky road of struggles ahead of us. Our third friend fell off and into the abyss of AFCdom and refuses to come back. So me and my closest friend evetually developed a rivalry and we continued making each other better. But I went off to college back in 2010 (and joined SS a month later) and over the next 2 years, continued to improve and so did he. Then his success decreased and I'm not sure what happened while I was away at college but I came to find this out in May after finals were over:


Cliffs

-A few months ago, friend tells me he's dating a girl

-I find out said girl lives in Peru, they talk on Facebook and Skype and they have obviously never met before.

-I laugh and say ok

-Friend tells me that he's in love and that they've opened their hearts to each other and have officially been together since December. He goes on to tell me that he did not tell me until then because he knew how I would react if I heard this.

-I tell friend that's bs and to come out with me and find him a woman he can actually be with.

-Me and friend argue for almost three hours about this.

-I tell him, after everything that's happened, why would he revert to something like this.

-I also find out from the third friend mentioned in the above paragraph, that my friend sent money to her so she could pay her internet bill. When I confronted him about it, he claims it was only once. I know that's bullshit

-I tell him that she's likely fucking and/or talking to other dudes and she just wants a way to come to America.

-He assures me that she doesn't really want to come here. He then tells me he plans on going to Peru to study over there.

-Friendship gets rocky as a result.

-98% of friend's statuses are about the girl.

Fast forward to last weekend.

-I decide to not say anything about it and let friend continue doing what he's doing and let nature run its course.

-Friend tells me that he plans on spending the rest of his life with the girl and that the girl apparently wants to do the same.

-Friend tells me that girl wants to come to US and go to college with us. He tells me her mother wants her to get an education in the US.

-I firmly and without raising my voice, tell my friend that this is not going to end well for him.

-Friend gets butthurt and claims that their families were starting to support it. I'm skeptical on that but whatever.

-Friend tells me that girl got drunk and lost her virginity at a party because she was taken advantage of by a foreign exchange student. I began playing Devil's Advocate and doubted the story went down like that. Friend got mad and said he feels that he owes it to her to give her a proper first time.

-Friend goes on to say that when he makes love to her, it will be more meaningful than any hook-up I've ever had. (Yes, he directed at me and some of my experiences at college)

-Friend reveals they've already made plans to live together whenever she comes to the US. (They don't have a set date for anytime soon but claimed they will wait for each other until the time comes). Friend goes on to tell me that they will move to California after grad school.


I really want to save him, but I know I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I'm sure a lot of you see what I see. If you look closely you can see where my friend contradicted himself. I know its his life and he can do what he wants, but we've been friends for many years and if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have began awakening until much later. It's just sad to see after everything we went through, and how we conquered AA together and learned how to dress and groom properly. That he succumbs to this. I don't really plan on interfering, I just want a SS opinion on this whole situation. I don't think there's anything I can do except watch him crash and burn. I want to be wrong, I want this to work out for him. I really do, but I don't see that happening. I've only talked to the girl once. I don't know a whole bunch about her other than what he told me and from what I've seen on her Facebook.


So can some guys give me there thoughts on my friend's situation?

Fast SoSuave is fast.

Unfortunately, I think you're right. He's going to do whatever he wants to do. When you're that locked in/obsessed with someone, you don't listen to outside advice or reason.

There's two things that stand out here I think, that are big red flags.

- Sent her money to pay her internet. That's a big load of crap right there. There's no way he should be giving money to her.

- Lost 'virginity' at a party. Yeah. If she was so in love with him, she could have held her pants on a bit longer. 'Oops sorry, I just got f**ked by some guy, can I come live with you now??' Seriously.

The thing you got to worry about is not so much about him, but what role are you going to play? He's going to do whatever he wants regardless of you or his family or a whole army wants. If you interfere too much, he's going to end up hating you if things go well, or blaming you if things go south. Either way, lose lose. So. Be his friend. Support him in his decision, even if it is the wrong one. Advise him what you think to be true, but support him. He is much more likely to listen if he doesn't have his defenses up about his choice. When someone is pissed or angry, they won't listen or change. But when they're relaxed, that's when you can influence them. That's the strategy I think is best here. And, if or when he falls, he's going to need a friend that understands and knows the situation, to help him out. That's your role.

RedScorpion said:

Unfortunately, I think you're right. He's going to do whatever he wants to do. When you're that locked in/obsessed with someone, you don't listen to outside advice or reason.

There's two things that stand out here I think, that are big red flags.

- Sent her money to pay her internet. That's a big load of crap right there. There's no way he should be giving money to her.

- Lost 'virginity' at a party. Yeah. If she was so in love with him, she could have held her pants on a bit longer. 'Oops sorry, I just got f**ked by some guy, can I come live with you now??' Seriously.

The thing you got to worry about is not so much about him, but what role are you going to play? He's going to do whatever he wants regardless of you or his family or a whole army wants. If you interfere too much, he's going to end up hating you if things go well, or blaming you if things go south. Either way, lose lose. So. Be his friend. Support him in his decision, even if it is the wrong one. Advise him what you think to be true, but support him. He is much more likely to listen if he doesn't have his defenses up about his choice. When someone is pissed or angry, they won't listen or change. But when they're relaxed, that's when you can influence them. That's the strategy I think is best here. And, if or when he falls, he's going to need a friend that understands and knows the situation, to help him out. That's your role.

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No, the party thing happened 4 years ago. They didn't even know each other existed until this past December.

Lmaoooo

bump

dude, hes hooked for some reason and hes lost to you until he manages to escape this oneitis. I hear about these things, over and over and i dont undestand how someone can get caught up by a picture on the internet that says nice things to him. I cant help here, I thought everyone was wise to this scam.

Try cutting off his fingers, so he cant type anymore?

Man, that's sad...he gave her money!! Awwww!!

This is a rough situation, if he is one of your best friends you can't help but want to help him. Clearly, he is shooting an arrow into the dark with this one, and he thinks he struck a hot *** foreign girl, when there is no idea of really knowing what he got. You know better, and it sucks to watch him ruin his love life like this.

In not quite as extreme of a case, my brother is the same way as your friend. He's been dating his girlfriend for 8 months, and you would think they are married. I never see him without her now, facebook is covered with their lovey dovey posts. Makes me sick I had to block them. He wears a f*ckin promise ring and hes a grown *** man.

The thing is, these people are shielded by the comfort of "love". It may be real for them, but they are in an alternative reality, and they will be torn apart if they break up. I'm talking severely depressed, wanna kill themselves depressed afcness because they've already committed so much of themselves. You can't save them though because they are blind. I think they just get tired of trying to find girls to bang and do what is most comfortable, which is find a oneitis and forget the right thing to do. They are impatient and don't want to work hard, two traits my brother is notorious for.

Like Red Scorpion said, you should support him in any way possible. Hope the best for him. Hope he has found the f*cking hottest Peruvian on the planet who want's to have crazy hot sex with him all day long! I have lost too many friends because I tried to change them. It doesn't work, they will continue to do what they think is right, instead of doing the actual right thing, which is at least stepping back from the relationship and seeing where they stand in it, really thinking, "Is this a healthy relationship that improves my whole life?" and "Am I thinking rationally or am I infatuated?"

Just my 2 cents, I hope the best for your buddy and I hope everything works out in the friendship.

crossedup said:

The thing is, these people are shielded by the comfort of "love". It may be real for them, but they are in an alternative reality, and they will be torn apart if they break up. I'm talking severely depressed, wanna kill themselves depressed afcness because they've already committed so much of themselves. You can't save them though because they are blind. I think they just get tired of trying to find girls to bang and do what is most comfortable, which is find a oneitis and forget the right thing to do. They are impatient and don't want to work hard, two traits my brother is notorious for.

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+1

This is a gold on a analysis. A female friend of mine is exactly the same way. She got involve with a guy in Peru while she lives in Canada. So they made the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing over the internet until she SOLD HER CAR to be there for 3 months... After that she was telling me how the guy was mistreating her and all that so she decided to break up...

But after it was all set and done, she told me she had a thing for me before the relationship got serious with the other dude (she still didnt end up with me although I told her I love her and her reason was she has a thing going on and all that...)

She got of been with me, or another guy for that matter, closer to her. But those people are get so hurt by breakup or arguments that they figure if we can focus on the positive side, when we meet, it's going to be a fairytale and no problem will happen. And that's when the problem starts.

To OP, since you already let him know about why this ''relationship'' is bad and he doesn't wanna listen, you can either keep pointing the reason you want him to wake up and get some girls closer to home or try to take him out to meet women. Maybe he just need a boost of confidence, if that doesnt work (It didnt work with my female friend) support your friend and hope for the best

It has been said above: he's your friend, so be there to support him, BUT, for the love of God, while doing so, also shield yourself. Don't invest too much of yourself into this affair.

I have lost so much time and a friend or two explaining to them to what dark hole they were headed, one just plain out refused to see, one nodded but said that we obviously have different opinions on this.

Both of them are in a very dark place now.

I did what I could, I was there, told them two times that I thought this was a bad idea, but in the end, I had to end up protecting my interests. When the time came where their stupidity would have endangered my personal and financial well-being, I told them they were where I always told them they'd end up and that there was no way my assets were getting dragged into this.

Purefilth said:

dude, hes hooked for some reason and hes lost to you until he manages to escape this oneitis. I hear about these things, over and over and i dont undestand how someone can get caught up by a picture on the internet that says nice things to him. I cant help here, I thought everyone was wise to this scam.

Try cutting off his fingers, so he cant type anymore?

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Lol if only cutting off his fingers would ensure it.

crossedup said:

The thing is, these people are shielded by the comfort of "love". It may be real for them, but they are in an alternative reality, and they will be torn apart if they break up. I'm talking severely depressed, wanna kill themselves depressed afcness because they've already committed so much of themselves.

Click to expand...

Yeah, that's pretty spot-on. He told me the other day this is the first time he's been happy in a long time. I didn't say this for obvious reasons, but I was thinking if you need a stranger who is thousands of miles away behind a computer screen to make you happy, then you have some issues. He seems to want to delude himself with this false sense of happiness.

He even told me that if I intervene and end their relationship. (Which he and I both know can be done) He said he may go out and talk to other women and even fuck them, but in the end. He will be miserable.

badboyjmm said:

To OP, since you already let him know about why this ''relationship'' is bad and he doesn't wanna listen, you can either keep pointing the reason you want him to wake up and get some girls closer to home or try to take him out to meet women. Maybe he just need a boost of confidence, if that doesnt work (It didnt work with my female friend) support your friend and hope for the best.

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Yeah, I already told him on two seperate occasions where this is heading but thee's nothing more I can do without making things worse.

EastWind said:

It has been said above: he's your friend, so be there to support him, BUT, for the love of God, while doing so, also shield yourself. Don't invest too much of yourself into this affair.

I have lost so much time and a friend or two explaining to them to what dark hole they were headed, one just plain out refused to see, one nodded but said that we obviously have different opinions on this.

Both of them are in a very dark place now.

I did what I could, I was there, told them two times that I thought this was a bad idea, but in the end, I had to end up protecting my interests. When the time came where their stupidity would have endangered my personal and financial well-being, I told them they were where I always told them they'd end up and that there was no way my assets were getting dragged into this.

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Yeah, I do hope it works out for him and that I'm wrong. Even though I have a VERY bad feeling about this whole thing. I'm going too have to let things play out on its own.

And if this also helps. He told me last weekend that he took to heart what I said the first time around. So, I apparently got through to him for a little bit, but he then told me in the end, he has put even more faith in making their "love" work. I think he knows this is all an illusion but he wants to stay in this fantasy just for the sake of his "happiness".

I will no longer intervene unless he is in immediate danger of losing his life or something else extremely valuable. All I can do now is simply watch and hope for the best.

But still though, why do I have such a bad feeling about all of this? Something just doesn't add up to me. It's as if there is something very wrong with the whole picture but I can't put my finger on what exactly is throwing me off about this girl and whatnot. I tried to shake the feeling, but I just can't...

[/quote]

But still though, why do I have such a bad feeling about all of this? Something just doesn't add up to me. It's as if there is something very wrong with the whole picture but I can't put my finger on what exactly is throwing me off about this girl and whatnot. I tried to shake the feeling, but I just can't...[/QUOTE]

Because to us it doesnt make sense to have any emotional attachment to a woman, even worse, one that is on a computer the other side of the world, he's never met let alone had the pleasure of.
the wost of it is, that hes fallen for the mugs game of sending money for the 'internet bill'. its a scam. This girl (if it even is a girl) is chatting up multiple losers, and having money sent to her hand over fist, because 'shes' caught their attention, and they cant grasp that this isnt real, they need it to be real. you know it, I know it, its a shame that your friend cant see it.

It's a form of mental illness to masturbate onto a little plastic box with wires sticking out of it. (It's the behavioral disorder called "bestiality" to feel sexual arousal over nonhuman things.) There is no cure for this disorder. The only effective treatment is for the sufferer to totally abstain from the affectations and behaviors. He should get a clamshell and throw his computers away.

Your friend is mentally ill. Sickness cannot be reasoned with. He will never grasp this. You must break his computer.

Purefilth said:

Because to us it doesnt make sense to have any emotional attachment to a woman, even worse, one that is on a computer the other side of the world, he's never met let alone had the pleasure of.
the wost of it is, that hes fallen for the mugs game of sending money for the 'internet bill'. its a scam. This girl (if it even is a girl) is chatting up multiple losers, and having money sent to her hand over fist, because 'shes' caught their attention, and they cant grasp that this isnt real, they need it to be real. you know it, I know it, its a shame that your friend cant see it.

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He told me that he talks to her via Skype. I assume they talk on webcam... but I've never pressed him on that part. Lol

It is a shame, but I've come to grips that there isn't much I can do at this point. I've just want to get the community's POV on this and as I thought, it matches my own POV.

Man some people just have to learn the hard way.

There have been times when nobody could tell me anything that would change my focus -- even though it ultimately ended in self-created destruction.

But man, sometimes we have to crash and burn to wake up.

It might work out OK for him. But likely, he'll learn from this.

The more friction you give him, he'll view you as a wedge between himself and his 'true love' -- he'll squeeze you out to protect their relationship and his psychology -- if you don't want to get snuffed just keep your mouth shut on this and be there to help him when it explodes. Until then, try and do the things you enjoy doing together and avoid these subjects, or if he talks about her, act supportive but don't get too deep and move to a lighter subject.

Down Low said:

It's a form of mental illness to masturbate onto a little plastic box with wires sticking out of it. (It's the behavioral disorder called "bestiality" to feel sexual arousal over nonhuman things.) There is no cure for this disorder. The only effective treatment is for the sufferer to totally abstain from the affectations and behaviors. He should get a clamshell and throw his computers away.

Your friend is mentally ill. Sickness cannot be reasoned with. He will never grasp this. You must break his computer.

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;lol

Buddha_Mind said:

Man some people just have to learn the hard way.

There have been times when nobody could tell me anything that would change my focus -- even though it ultimately ended in self-created destruction.

But man, sometimes we have to crash and burn to wake up.

It might work out OK for him. But likely, he'll learn from this.

The more friction you give him, he'll view you as a wedge between himself and his 'true love' -- he'll squeeze you out to protect their relationship and his psychology -- if you don't want to get snuffed just keep your mouth shut on this and be there to help him when it explodes. Until then, try and do the things you enjoy doing together and avoid these subjects, or if he talks about her, act supportive but don't get too deep and move to a lighter subject.

Click to expand...

Yeah, the only time conflict has ever came up with that is when he says he loves her or that he's spending the rest of his life with her. In general however, I don't say anything negative.

Don't save him. If you cushion his fall with pillows, he won't learn that he was hurt badly, and will, in turn, not attempt to climb the mountain a different way.

The best way to learn is to fail.

Gray, you already know how this stuff works out.

There is a one and a million chance that all of this could be legit. People win the lottery sometimes. But do you play the lottery and think a woman is equivalent to a multimillion dollar cash prize?

YOU are the prize

Your friend has obviously forgotten this.

I was in a similar situation to your friend a few years ago and that's what brought me here. I was delusional man... I mean, I honestly feel like I had a mild case of insanity because reality didn't matter to me at all.

I "met" a girl who lived like almost 30 hours away from me on eHarmony.com. This story is so embarrassing I almost don't want to address it. After emailing her and dating real girls for a while, believe it or not, I actually broke up with a real girl I was getting regular sex from, who was thin, athletic, beautiful, and blonde... and I know some guys on this board don't think girls are capable of loving guys, but this girl adored me like I was the sh*t. She was definitely using me to make up for a lack in herself, but the bottom line was she was an excellent GF. She was constantly buying me things, paying for things, doing things for me, and always, 100% of the time, whenever I wanted, never EVER did she say no or even act disinterested... sex sex sex sex sex.

But I was "in love" and left her for a girl I had never met before. It turns out her daddy was rich and was kind enough to buy me a plane ticket to go out and meet her. The only saving grace in this story was that I didn't end up losing money or anything beyond my pride and emotional state for a time in the end. I spent the weekend with them, didn't do a thing except kiss her even though I was spending the weekend in her apartment!

I was uptight, acted sketchy the whole time, outcome dependent, 100% AFC. It is SCARY to think about how much this experience changed me. I was not myself.

We became boyfriend and girlfriend on this little trip and I confessed me love to her, which freaked her out, rightfully so.

I went back home, and found out the shortest relationship of my life had ended after a whopping 2 or 3 days.

But wait. There's more! She broke up with me via a very long winded email and I was just about beside myself. I mean, I don't cry but I was weeping like a little girl. We were both "religious" so I told her some crap about God's will and I"m not really sure what else, begging her for another chance. I made a fool out of myself, not just to her, but to anyone who saw me during this time. I just kept crying and blabbering like an idiot.

So she decided to give me one more chance but this time her daddy wasn't going to buy me a plane ticket. They were going to spend Christmas about 15 hrs away from me and I had to drive.

Thank God we ended up breaking up again before I left.

It honestly took me a good month of crying every day before a shift took place in my head and I started to see objective reality again for the first time.

What that story is, is basically me saying that I don't think there is anyway for your friend to see objective reality again without going through a massive amount of pain. Go find a guy addicted to heroin in the middle of a binge and try and tell him that it's bad for him and he needs to stop. Good luck.

It's too bad it has to be like this, but sometimes I think it's pain that shapes us in to our best possible being. Pain can drive people in either direction though... it turns some guys in to drug addicted woman hating criminals and other people in to champions. I don't think you can do anything to keep your friend from falling. What your job is going to be is making sure he ends up becoming a champion when the sh*t hits the fan.

Yes your friend can be saved.

But it will be through this PAINFUL REJECTION that he experiences with this foreign chick sooner rather than later that he realizes it.

Like others have said, in order to change; the change has to come from within.

Don't even waste your breath, he's in waaaayyyy too deep.

Sadly some dudes never learn from their mistakes, scratch that; MOST dudes never learn from their mistakes.





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