Breaking up with GF, is the timing ever right?

killerasp · Aug 2, 2012

some backstory: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=196201

I had planned to break the news to my GF this weekend (8/4). But earlier this week, my GF said she was feeling sad and wanted to come over and talk. Keep in mind, she has only said this TWICE in our 5 year relationship so I figured it was serious.

So come tonight, we talked and she brought up what was bothering her ( i kinda had to pull it out of her. she wasnt really opening up that easily). her problems were:

work - she hates it. she just started looking for a new job. she has no real passion for anything other than watching TV and shopping. i tried to give her some advice on how to discover new hobbies so she can find something worthwhile to be passionate about. she is just unhappy with her life.

she misses me - we havent seen much of each other b/c of work and travel. at this point, she starts crying.

So during all this, I said to myself, "if i tell her that im breaking up with her this weekend, she is going to be DEVASTATED" beyond words. if she is just tearing up while she tells me she misses me, just imagine how she is going to react when i tell her im breaking up with her.

there is no way that I can come out of this not being the a$$hole. my heart says 'dont do it this weekend' but my brain says 'the smart thing to do is to get it over with. its going to hurt no matter when I do it or how i say it. its just going to hurt".

I have pretty much decided to move on with my life. As much as i will be hurting her, i think its the right move for me in the long run.

So to the DJ's here, is there ever a right time to do it? Am I evil for doing it while she is somewhat vulnerable?

PrettyBoyAJ · Aug 2, 2012

Is it ever right to lead someone on?

backbreaker · Aug 2, 2012

real life does not give the luxury of spreading out your problems so you can handle them more efficiently.

do what you have to do

Boilermaker · Aug 2, 2012

24 - 29

occupied.

Have you ever heard of "opportunity cost?"
You wasted your precious 5 years when you COULD be doing whatever it is you want to be doing right now in those 5 years.

It's your life that matters; be like a woman, be indifferent. Don't worry about being perceived as an a-hole;
chicks dig a-holes,

you sure you are following the teachings here?

I am almost embarrassed by your naivete.

killerasp · Aug 2, 2012

Boilermaker said:
24 - 29

occupied.

Have you ever heard of "opportunity cost?"
You wasted your precious 5 years when you COULD be doing whatever it is you want to be doing right now in those 5 years.

It's your life that matters; be like a woman, be indifferent.

Those 5 years werent wasted at all. I learned alot about myself and grew to be the person that I am today. I have accomplished so much in those 5 year, personally and professionally so no regrets at all.

I've come to the point where I recently realized what i want/dont want in a mate. Unfortunately, my current GF has alot of what i dont want. Sucks that it took me this long to realize it, but it was definitely NOT a waste.

Slickster · Aug 2, 2012

Hey Killerasp

I once had a similar relationship and although it was a tough breakup it was for the best for both of us.

You aren't doing her any favors by staying with her. You both deserve to be happy and by staying in this relationship you are delaying that and wasting everyone's time. It will hurt at first but eventually she will understand.

It's easy to let yourself get nostalgic during a breakup but you are dragging yourself into the past which is never good.

The right time to breakup is always sooner rather later. Never lead people on that you care about.

Do the right thing here. There is no easy way. Treat it like tearing off a bandaid.

Good luck

Slick

backbreaker · Aug 2, 2012

Boilermaker said:
24 - 29

occupied.

Have you ever heard of "opportunity cost?"
You wasted your precious 5 years when you COULD be doing whatever it is you want to be doing right now in those 5 years.

It's your life that matters; be like a woman, be indifferent. Don't worry about being perceived as an a-hole;
chicks dig a-holes,

you sure you are following the teachings here?

I am almost embarrassed by your naivete.

I'm trying my very best to be non combative but i have a hard time with someone telling someone else that they are wasting their time

that's only for that person to decide. Just because you don't get anywhere doesn't mean you aren't going anywhere. i smoked crack for almost a full year. the people i hung around, the things i put myself through, seeing the raw world like that and how people operate in that environment tought me more about life then my first 21 years on the world had combined and honestly wasn't even that close.

how are you to tell someone else that they are nieave and that they are wasting time. that really really irks me.

and that's.. again let me calm down. this really irks me a lot. that's the issue i spoke about last week. the exact issue. you see the relationship he had as a waste of time beucase he is no longer the woman. well hell if you are going to take that approach to life why bother dating at all? all relationships you will have will end at some point.

how do you know what else he has or has not done? beucase he has had a GF for half a decade you act like he is not in school or has not gotten a promotion or doesn't go to the gym, or doesn't have any other hobbies; you stick him with every possible AFC trait for the simple reason that he has a GF that after 5 years, he realizes it's time to move on. that mindset is everything that is wrong with this site. I suppose that if i left my wife tomrorow, my last 4 years would be a total waste of time for the simple reason that she was the only woman i had sex with. nevermind that i started business that has grown to the point where i could comfortable live off themoney if i had to, or the fact that i am in better shape than i hae ever been at 29 or the fact that i learned an entirely new language (french) or went to places i have never been to and all the other wonderful hings i have done in the last 4 years.

Rollo speaks quite often about the BPD woman he dated in his early 20's that he met in the book store. that **** changed his life.

the man had 5 great years of probably good sex, great memories, mgreat times, great holidays together, great vacations together, inside jokes, the feeling of actually loving and caring for someone.. that means something.

I mean what the fvck man come on.

I'm going to stop beucase i am about to say some **** i will regret later. but I feel you owe him an apology you don't knwo jack **** about him to make the assumptions you made.

killerasp · Aug 3, 2012

backbreaker said:
I'm trying my very best to be non combative but i have a hard time with someone telling someone else that they are wasting their time

that's only for that person to decide. Just because you don't get anywhere doesn't mean you aren't going anywhere. i smoked crack for almost a full year. the people i hung around, the things i put myself through, seeing the raw world like that and how people operate in that environment tought me more about life then my first 21 years on the world had combined and honestly wasn't even that close.

how are you to tell someone else that they are nieave and that they are wasting time. that really really irks me.

and that's.. again let me calm down. this really irks me a lot. that's the issue i spoke about last week. the exact issue. you see the relationship he had as a waste of time beucase he is no longer the woman. well hell if you are going to take that approach to life why bother dating at all? all relationships you will have will end at some point.

how do you know what else he has or has not done? beucase he has had a GF for half a decade you act like he is not in school or has not gotten a promotion or doesn't go to the gym, or doesn't have any other hobbies; you stick him with every possible AFC trait for the simple reason that he has a GF that after 5 years, he realizes it's time to move on. that mindset is everything that is wrong with this site. I suppose that if i left my wife tomrorow, my last 4 years would be a total waste of time for the simple reason that she was the only woman i had sex with. nevermind that i started business that has grown to the point where i could comfortable live off themoney if i had to, or the fact that i am in better shape than i hae ever been at 29 or the fact that i learned an entirely new language (french) or went to places i have never been to and all the other wonderful hings i have done in the last 4 years.

Rollo speaks quite often about the BPD woman he dated in his early 20's that he met in the book store. that **** changed his life.

the man had 5 great years of probably good sex, great memories, mgreat times, great holidays together, great vacations together, inside jokes, the feeling of actually loving and caring for someone.. that means something.

I mean what the fvck man come on.

I'm going to stop beucase i am about to say some **** i will regret later. but I feel you owe him an apology you don't knwo jack **** about him to make the assumptions you made.

its all good man. its just the way the internet works. you will have people that provide good helpful information (you) and then you have trolls (him). its the way of life on the internet. im mature enough to see between the lines and tell the difference. thanks for the words of wisdom.

Desdinova · Aug 3, 2012

Nice to see you posting again!

I think in every relationship (that shouldn't exist) there's a moment where you realize that it's just not right. When you realize that it's not right, take a week off from seeing her and think about that moment and what caused it. If you still feel it's justified after the week is done, then you should break it off. I wish I would have done that when I was planning my wedding.

But that is pretty much what I did with the last girl I was with. When I reached the point where I knew I didn't want to continue with her, I broke it off as soon as I could. Actually, we had a concert to attend, so I dragged it out for an extra week (I had a date with a new girl a week before the concert). The morning after the concert, I ended the relationship. She was fvcking mad. However, I'm happy to say that I'm still with the new girl, and we're approaching one year together

There's never a right time, but there can be a wrong time. The wrong time for you was when she absolutely needed to talk. Now that she's got whatever she needed to get off her chest, it's your turn.

I wish you the best of luck with this one, and hopefully she won't take it too hard.

foolyoufool · Aug 3, 2012

Desdinova said:
Nice to see you posting again!

I think in every relationship (that shouldn't exist) there's a moment where you realize that it's just not right. When you realize that it's not right, take a week off from seeing her and think about that moment and what caused it. If you still feel it's justified after the week is done, then you should break it off. I wish I would have done that when I was planning my wedding.

But that is pretty much what I did with the last girl I was with. When I reached the point where I knew I didn't want to continue with her, I broke it off as soon as I could. Actually, we had a concert to attend, so I dragged it out for an extra week (I had a date with a new girl a week before the concert). The morning after the concert, I ended the relationship. She was fvcking mad. However, I'm happy to say that I'm still with the new girl, and we're approaching one year together

There's never a right time, but there can be a wrong time. The wrong time for you was when she absolutely needed to talk. Now that she's got whatever she needed to get off her chest, it's your turn.

I wish you the best of luck with this one, and hopefully she won't take it too hard.

Pretty much what he said.

I just broke up with my girlfriend of a year a couple weeks ago and I knew it would crush her. But it had to be done. Listen to your gut on whether you should do it or not, pick a good time, and promise yourself to follow through with it. It feels great once you get something like this off your chest.

P.S. Nice job going on the date with the new girl. Setting yourself up well with some new plates

Scaramouche · Aug 3, 2012

Dear Killer,
Learn from the girls,never change trees till you have a better one to go to......Don't finish the relationship,rightsize it!,Yup tell her that for your personal development you need to have four days a week for yourself....Spin plates,she will get wind of this and finish the relationship for you....Problem solved and you have ladies to see,who will help you forget your sadness,and possibly prevent you back sliding.

SecondHalf · Aug 3, 2012

Scaramouche said:
Dear Killer,
Learn from the girls,never change trees till you have a better one to go to......Don't finish the relationship,rightsize it!,Yup tell her that for your personal development you need to have four days a week for yourself....Spin plates,she will get wind of this and finish the relationship for you....Problem solved and you have ladies to see,who will help you forget your sadness,and possibly prevent you back sliding.

LOL!

Scar, when I grow up I want to be just like you!

Laughed before first coffee was finished, a rarity!

SH

Desdinova · Aug 3, 2012

Scaramouche said:
Dear Killer,
Learn from the girls,never change trees till you have a better one to go to......

I've never really thought about this, but having a new date lined up can actually help motivate you to break up with a current LTR. I know it sure as hell helped me cut the last one off - especially when your new prospect is much more attractive and younger

killerasp · Aug 3, 2012

Desdinova said:
Nice to see you posting again!

I think in every relationship (that shouldn't exist) there's a moment where you realize that it's just not right. When you realize that it's not right, take a week off from seeing her and think about that moment and what caused it. If you still feel it's justified after the week is done, then you should break it off.

Yeah, i did just this..actually two weeks...not on purpose. we have a weird relationship. we only hang out on the weekends...(long story). she had to travel 2 weeks in a row so that meant not seeing her for a long time. and guess what...i didnt miss her at all. (this was not the case many year ago) i barely thought about her. i partied and enjoyed my life like i used to with my friends. and man, did it feel good. i think after those 2 weeks, it was a clear sign that "its over".

lgbs2004 · Aug 3, 2012

Scaramouche said:
Dear Killer,
Learn from the girls,never change trees till you have a better one to go to......Don't finish the relationship,rightsize it!,Yup tell her that for your personal development you need to have four days a week for yourself....Spin plates,she will get wind of this and finish the relationship for you....Problem solved and you have ladies to see,who will help you forget your sadness,and possibly prevent you back sliding.

Wise words from a wise man. Nothing more to add here.

Breaking up with GF, is the timing ever right?

killerasp

Master Don Juan

PrettyBoyAJ

Master Don Juan

backbreaker

Master Don Juan

Boilermaker

Master Don Juan

killerasp

Master Don Juan

Slickster

Master Don Juan

backbreaker

Master Don Juan

killerasp

Master Don Juan

Desdinova

Master Don Juan

foolyoufool

Don Juan

Scaramouche

Master Don Juan

SecondHalf

Master Don Juan

Desdinova

Master Don Juan

killerasp

Master Don Juan

lgbs2004

Senior Don Juan