BPD ex.... 3 months out - need some advice

I've been really struggling lately getting over my BPD ex. I finally broke it off for good over 3 months ago and immediately went into my "get over it" routine of the gym and dating multiple girls. I have never had a relationship that was so hard to get over and honestly feel like a loser for still thinking about her like I do. I was doing alright for a while mentally then around 2 weeks ago the obsessional thinking about her came back hard. The on/off for over a year completely broke my confidence and self esteem to the point I knew this girl was going to ruin me if I stayed with her. I haven't called her at all but have run into her a few times. The problem is her brother is a long time good friend of mine, her parents have been like my second family since high school, she literally lives a few blocks away and I've known this girl for close to 15 years. I have limited contact as much as I can, but any advice/insight on how long this is going to take? Any tips on getting this ***** out of my head? Im really getting disgusted with myself on this

The BPD label is really thrown around a lot and unless you're a mental health professional or you know for sure she has recieved this diagnosis, you don't know she's BPD. But if your girl was a true honest to goodness bona fide Cluster B then don't beat yourself over it taking longer than it seems it should to get over it. Those kinds of relationships are extremely damaging and you're left with a lot of wounds in the aftermath.

Check out bpdfamily.com and the messageboard there. All I can tell you is that three months is really nothing in terms of getting over a BPD. If it was a short fling, count on it taking several months. If it was a very serious, committed relationship, it might take 1-2 years. Just remember that at a certain point, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize that it's time to let go and move on with living your life. Go talk to a counselor, find a 12-step group if you have to. Time and No Contact will go a long way towards helping you get over her, but it won't finish the job. Just be grateful that you're out.

Thanks bro, I think I have read everything on the internet, haha, about BPD when I was trying to fix her and then afterwards. I am 99% sure she is as well as being officially diagnosed with anxiety, OCD and panic attacks. I know this for sure becasue I made her go to a doctor when we where together. Except for the cutting all the behaviors are there and reading Shari's articles was exactly like my relationship. It was a serious realtionship, we were really good friends before for a long time. She was such a fun, hot and seemingly normal girl before I got involved with her. Man, did everything change after the first few unbelievable months together. What a mindf__k

Hard users of hard drugs like meth and heroin will eventually burn out the pleasure receptors in their brains; they die off when they are being flooded all the time with happy chemicals. When an addict tries to quit, being sober means being unhappy, because his brain is literally a little fried. It's so used to being artificially stimulated, that normal, sober life's happiness does not register. The good news is that the brain will heal, given enough time. It takes roughly three times the length of the addiction being sober to get back to normal.

It's not any different with a bpd girl. She was crazy fun, I know, but she was also an addiction that damaged your brain. You will heal with time. Be patient.

been there done that.
it's been 8 months of NC , it's the only way. time and NC. you are breaking an addiction don't fall off the wagon.
listen to Bible_belt....

I can totally relate to your situation involving a woman with BPD / Bipolar. I'm 2 months NC with mine (clinically diagnosed bipolar), and this past week I've really fallen off the wagon and started thinking about her lots. I haven't broken contact even though she's attempted contact several times, but if I'm honest I'd like to.

My advice, just stick with it, the addiction cycle will eventually break.

Thanks fellas for the encouragement and advice. Man, I really hope your 3x the relationship rule isn't true, that means I have around 3yrs left. I'm trying to take this whole thing as a positive, I started seeing a therapist and realized I had some serious unresolved issues with my mom, she is a mess. Guess this crazy ***** just brought it all back. Never again with these crazy ho's, I'm hyper vigilant with the red flags now. Probably a little too much at this point, but I never thought a girl could get to me like this. Live and learn I guess

Does it help to stop reading all these BPD forums?

jaygreenb said:

Does it help to stop reading all these BPD forums?

Click to expand...

At a certain point, yes.

Good luck on your journey, Jay. My BPD ex really put a number on me bro, as I'm sure they all do with everyone who has ever dealt with them. A lot of people don't understand the ups and downs of a BPD relationship because there just aren't that many BPD chicks in the world. Most people mistake push/pull and jealousy tactics as BPD traits...which I suppose they are; but these tactics aren't even in close comparison to what actually goes in with a BPD.

You said you have done your research on BPD, so I'll assume you know the characteristics of a BPD chick. I'll spare you the details of my 'ship as well...but know that it takes a substantially longer time to get over these chicks than others. The good times were just too good and the bad times are rock bottom. You feel worse for not talking to her right now, but stick with it and you'll soon find yourself happy for the learning experience.

Personally, I don't have any bad thoughts about my ex anymore. It's almost as if I feel sorry for her. But I am damn sure more aware of a woman's behavior and how to deal with said behavior. Normal women aren't really even a match for me any more because I've dealt with such an emotional rollercoaster that is a BPD relationship. Now if chicks give me grief or hassle me in some way, it's next for them and I just find another broad. If a girl is one of my plates and I like her enough to keep her around even though she is acting all pi$$y cuz it's her time of the month or whatever, I just simply move on to the next girl and come back in a week or so.

It's almost like playing one of those old timer xmen arcade video games. You make it all the way to the boss only to get so close to beating it, then it whoops your a$$. You restart and go all the way back to the beginning. All the little villains that almost killed you before now seem trivial and you just kick the sh!t out of all of them. Eventually my man you will get back to fighting the boss. You'll be way better handled for that meeting after having the experiences you just had.

One thing I recommend is to just not ever talk to her. Avoid the places she goes man. Trust me, it will make it easier.

jaygreenb said:

Does it help to stop reading all these BPD forums?

Click to expand...

Likely sooner than later.
It's likely that you've learned all that you need to and now you're just helping her stay current.
Studying these sites to the point of repetition is another way of not letting go.

You need to get accustomed to swatting that chicks image out of your head as soon as it pops in there.

SH

Op...pm me if you need to bend an ear. I think I could help you brother.

Brothers,

Thankyou ALL for your contributions, and thankyou OP for bringing up this subject.

Yet again we see another of our number fall victim to one of these creatures.

I dont know if I am mentally deranged, but 9 months down the line, my sleep is still not right, i have periods of feeling free, and that ive moved on, and then i think about fvckin her and maybe we could just meet one last time for crazy sexx (although my subconcious really knows that it would break me to try again. With my one its was 3.5 YEARS of on/off relationship and narcissitic personality disorder to deal with, then this 9 months to try and recover....)

It didnt help with this one, that her mother, who is titled.... pushed the relationship between us.... i kinda knew it was bad, but the mother pushed it knowing that her daughter was mad!!


Couldnt help myself, but looked her up on a google facebook search couple of nights ago. There she is in africa surrounded by smiling black kids. Litlle do her friends know that shes probably bein banged by a tribesman (she got c ocked by an egyptain camel herder while we took a break once.....)

The *****...... wish i could wipe the whole relationship off my brain, but bring back those valuable, wasted 4 years...........

Any advice guys would be really appreciated to add the recovery programme...........

For not knowing any of you guys, the support is awesome. I don't talk about this to any of my friends and just act like all is good so I don't sound like a whiney pu$$y. I agree with the avoiding her at all cost, its just damn near impossible because we live so close and have similar social circles. I'm pleasant when I run into her and never would want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I still care, in a sick way she would love to see me in pain. To everyone she seems to be such a sweetheart but underneath it she is the devil. So vicious, disrespectful, selfish and absolutely not an ounce of REAL empathy. The funny thing is the only person who really knows what I am talking about is her brother, a good friend of mine, he see's through the fake persona she puts on.

5string- I tried to PM you but I dont have the priveleges, I used the email function

BPD sounds intriguing. One of my current plates is a stage-5 clinger but she's more entertaining than anything. I've been upset and saddened by breakups but never heartbroken, sounds interesting.

SS saved my ass.........
got bogged down in all that BPD forum crybaby stuff and found I was not letting go.

It was only by coming here and hearing stuff like this below that I found on this forum....that I was able to see clearly, get angry and move on.....


"Don't play therapist with one of these chicks or even with any normal chick.

Doing that always ends in disaster.

And know that for this BPD to be helped going to a psych doc has to be a decision she makes on her own and not motivated by any external influence ie pressure from you that she go.

All that would happen if you forced her to go is she would lie to you and the doctor about improvement, the good times would last for a little while and then she'd suddenly quit.
She would only ever go to therapy at your behest if she thought it was necessary to keep you and she wanted to keep you for whatever reason.

Its a part of the giving you what you want that is so common of Cluster B people and its only a manipulation to draw you in so that they can get what they want of you.

Her going to therapy if you pressured her would be absolutely useless for her and your relationship as it would be a phoney manipulative act on her part to appease you.

I believe she will be quite devastated if I make no contact and truly abandon her."

Remember one thing this is about your mental health and well being not hers ( don't go down with the ship)

It is like trying to save a drowning person . Everytime you throw them a lifebelt they just push it away. she is beyond help she doesn't want it.

She does not care about you, she does not love you, she does not like you and she never did.

And that goes the same for her with other people, other guys and girls she's been with and around.

She doesn't care about or love them either.

The only thing that matters to her is herself and her own amusement and feelings in the moment.

That is the sick, sad and brutal truth about Cluster B Personality Disordered people.

Selfishness is what they are completely at their core.

More so than natural human selfishness as unlike normal humans they lack empathy and feelings of reciprocity, they lack object constancy which means out of sight out of mind.

You are an object to her no different than a toaster. once your broken they will just go and get another one.

When you think you see the light of love in her eyes for you or anyone else its the same kind of love someone has for the new car smell or getting a new videogame that they've wanted or getting their huge paycheck if they've got a good job.

Its not real love but objectified love.

You are only good to them so long as you can fulfill your momentary purpose to them, your object function and once they've decided you've broke on them like a toaster you will be replaced by a new undamaged model.

So stop thinking about her feelings and worry about your own.

Go no contact and stay no contact and whenever thoughts of white picket fences, eternal love and all that rot comes into your mind surrounding her remember that at the very moment you are thinking this and imagining her thinking the same about you she is not.

I know enough about this condition to know what they are like and what good innocent acts they put on.

Its all bullsh!t.

Academy award winning bullsh!t.

So save yourself and walk away.

No contact.

Ever again.

Get yourself some psychotherapy if you need it and be mindful about future girls you get involved with and never solve their life problems for them.

You are there with a girl for a hookup or to have a relationship with them which consists of having fun together and loving one another.

Not there to try and be Dr. Phil and listen to her tell you about her depression/work and money problems/drug addiction etc.

Leave that sh!t to the professionals.

And don't be trying to get any revenge on this her as she'll get you back 10,000 times worse by going on a massive smear campaign about how you raped her or beat her up etc and before you know it the cops will be knock knock knocking at your door over this womens false allegations about you.

Going no contact will hurt her more than any revenge you could possibly do to her.

It hurts them more than a punch to the face, slashing their tires or telling them off ever would because they thrive on feeding off your emotions both happy and sad, they thrive off your continued attention.

Do not feed that beast.

Control yourself and walk away.

You have full power over your life and emotions and can walk away at any time.

She only has the power over you that you turn over to her willingly.


Cry out the pain if you need to without regret or shame, talk out the pain for as long as you have to on forums or to your psych doc even if it takes months or years but do not, I repeat do not look for this woman to be the answer to it.

She's not.

She'll only heap more pain onto your life.

She's the mirage in the desert.

She's not a fountain of water to preserve your life from the cruel heat.

She is the heat.

She is spiritual death and physical death.

Avoid her like your very life depended upon it because it does!

The biggest mistake we make is believing their "act" that they care about us.
They care about what you can give them, what you can "supply" them, and nothing more.
Once she finds a way to replace what you give her, the emotional SUPPLY, she can be done with you as easily as she could be done with her Ipod, were she to leave that at a Bar or Restaurant.....

It took me 3 whole years to really get back to normal. I'm in my 4th year now and things are fine. I've ****ed girls since her, dated many girls, and overall have a 10x better life. My whole focus once i got back on my feet was to make myself a better and stronger person. I haven't seen her in a few years but my mom ran into her about a year ago and said she wasn't happy.

We fought each other physically, emotionally, she stole my car, kicked me out of her place, etc. etc. In the end, the final break-up (number 120381203, that's how many times we split in 1 year), i initiated yet but she made it final by not coming back. She branch swung a week later to some other dude and kept calling/texting/writing me letters. She was talking to this dude before as her friend introduced her during one of our fake break-ups and he didn't sound like a threat then....boy was i wrong.....I was the better looking and taller choice but she chose him.

I went NC at first for a week until i decided to talk to her (she kept telling me she needed closure and i was stupid enough to think i had a chance to win her back).....that was the worst. NC got her crazy about me and when she met up, I was cold to her and kept my distance.... until she hugged me, then held my hand, then kissed me. she told me she was breaking it off with the guy that night and had to leave to go tell him and give him closure (we got into a brief argument when she left as i told her to just ditch him).

She never called me back that night...i waited 5 hours before i called her phone the first time (i thought 2 hours would be enough but i patiently/anxiously waited), trying not to be needy expecting her back. She didn't pick up at 1:30am (left at around 9pm). I called a few more times at 2:30am and no answer. I got in my car and was speeding at 100mph to her apartment dialing her number over and over until i get an answer from her. She asked me if i was ok and where i was (she knew i was driving, probably to see her). I told her don't worry about it.

All of a sudden, there's a pause and i hear another voice.

"Why are you calling my girlfriend at this hour."

a shot to my heart. I sh1t talked him some and pissed him off/made him look like an idiot but in the end, he was fvcking my so called girl. I was so distraught and confused when that happened i wasn't sure what to do. She then told me she hopes im okay and she had to go. The only protection i had from NC was destroyed when i let her come see me.

I wanted to die then, that or kill the guy (who was a cop). Whenever i think about what happened, it still brings me to my knees... literally my heart still aches. when i was contemplating my actions on if i should try to kill myself (if i had the balls to) or head over to her place and witness it with my own eyes, my DJ mentor calls me as he was aware i was heading out. Instead of being the douche bag d1ck he always is, he asked me where i was and what happened. I told him what happened and how i was confused....i was jumbling my words a bit but i literally was over flooded with emotions that i wasn't sure what i was feeling. I wasn't sad, angry, relieved, or any emotion i can comprehend but how i will describe it was my body was over flooded with all those emotions that they short circuited into just adrenaline.

I told my friend "i need to go and see it for myself, otherwise i won't be able to move on.". Seeing them together opening the door or in bed would help me move on, atleast that was my train of thought. My friend then started yelling at me and cursing at me (which he never does. He's calm and collected/funny), telling me i don't want to see that. He went through that and it's not something i should go through. He told me to pull over and clear my mind quickly until i could drive, then drive to a park and just calm down. He gave me 2 choices. Go to the park and call him back in 10 minutes or go see her and lose his friendship.

I drove to the park and called him. That was where my road to recovery started as i chose life instead of death.

For 2 months, i said less than 8 sentences and was scared of my own shadow. I lost 20 pounds in the first month then stayed stagnant at that weight. I couldn't sleep and ran out of tears to cry. I slept on average 3-4 hours a day and played my xbox till 3-5 am, then I went to work at my internship at 8am.

Slowly, time healed some of my wounds and i healed the others by working to improve myself (reading, studying, working out, etc.). What i can say is, go NC and don't break it. NC isn't meant to get the girl back, it's meant to protect you and teach you to forge your path to becoming a better man. Am i over her? I'd like to think so, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have the ability to destroy my life into tiny pieces.

She's tried reaching out to me many times and even called a few of my friends. NC for the rest of my life, otherwise it will probably be the end of my life.

as dramatic as this sounds it is actually true......

"She's tried reaching out to me many times and even called a few of my friends. NC for the rest of my life, otherwise it will probably be the end of my life. "

yes given time these disordered freaks can actually kill you emotionally and or physically - remember this......stay ghost

also this helps and it's true there is no getting away from this one.....
"
no matter what you say or do in the end the borderline relationship cycle will always play out and you will end up as her target in the hater phase.

There was nothing you could have done to prevent this."

This site is full of gems, little reminders that I play over in my head to keep me on the wagon...... here's a few of my favorites ..

"If you can learn to recognize Cluster B traits, so you can avoid them
DO NOT become one of her few male friends waiting for her to fall in love with you, that will NEVER happen because she hates herself too much to allow real intimacy in her life."



Don't try to figure out whether she is Borderline, Histrionic, or Narcissistic. The truth is these disorders often intertwine and it becomes difficult to know which disorder dominates. If you do come across these women, and you will, the best course of action is to run like hell.

if you start developing feelings and start figuring out her motives, you're stuffed and have months of heartache coming your way. The Cluster B has zero empathy (they fake it well) and are master manipulators. Don't play their game, you will always lose."




 

Guys, I can't thank you enough for the straight truth and encouragement. If I could repay any of you I would, if not I will just pay it forward in the future if I see someone else in the same position. I was starting to get to the point where I was obsessing in my mind all the bad behaviors away and this was an absolute wake up call. I can promise you this, I will not let this girl break me, I will continue to make positive changes in my life and will be a better man for it. I will stay no contact because I will be damned if I will let this girl negatively effect everything in my life I have worked so hard for. It is so crazy to me how all these stories are essentially the same. These women are the closest I have seen in real life to pure evil