Breakup: Going NC

Hey guys, been a while since I was on the forums.

The past year or so I have been involved in an LTR. Things for the most part have been fantastic. I can honestly say I fell in love with the girl, and her with I. We've had our "issues," like every relationship does.

A couple weeks ago I ****ed up, and broke the trust. I didn't cheat, and would never do that while in a committed relationship. I did however allow another woman to get my phone number, then had a brief exchange of texts (I told her I found her kind of attractive, she seemed nice blah blah) to which I decided to tell her I would not be contacting her again. I had told this woman multiple times in person the night before I was in a committed relationship, as well as through text. I deleted the texts out of my phone, and hoped to move on.

This girl (read: PSYCHO) began texting me every 1/2 hour in an effort to cause trouble between me and my GF. Obviously my GF eventually saw her texts coming through, called the girl, got her to send pics of our text convo to her. Problem is the girl doctored the conversation, deleting messages of me rejecting her, and messages of her coming onto me. The "psycho" ALSO got my buddies' number the night before, and proceeded to text him saying: "Hahahaha, I just ****ed your friend's relationship up!!!"

Needless to say, this event along with a couple other small breakdowns of trust, caused my GF of roughly 1.5 years to end it with me this week. She had previously been in a 7 year relationship, where she had been cheated on for 3/7 years. I understand her feelings, and don't blame her for feeling the need to end things between us.

The worst part is she says she is still IN love with me (read: beyond just loving me), and doesn't want this to end either. She explained that she can feel the breakdown of trust sending her head spiraling to the controlling ***** she ended up being towards the end of her 7 yr relationship, and that she does not want to go back to feeling like that; for both her sake and mine.

Her family absolutely loves me - her mom is hoping/praying we'll get married - and she's told me she's never felt quite like this about anyone. She is NOT the marrying type, and is not keen to have children, but with me she was willing/hoping to marry me one day.

During the "breakup" she asked if I wouldn't change our Facebook status yet. She claims because she isn't looking to start dating anyone else any time soon, and doesn't want to be bombarded with messages about our breakup, or by men seeking to take her out. She is easily a 9 in anyone's books, but she's a 10 in mine.

I've been through breakups before, and I know how I'm SUPPOSED to handle them. The combination of her saying she still loved me, didn't WANT it to end, and asking I not change FB status yet got me thinking maybe I could salvage this. So I did the worst thing, and tried to talk her into "working it out."

After a day of the most embarrasing conversations/texts I've had to endure in years I decided enough was enough. And have refused to contact her for any reason. She has made a couple small attempts to contact me over the last 3 days, all of which have been ignored by myself. She is aware with my previous LTR (of 6 years) that I just cut contact and haven't spoken to her since.

I guess the reason for my post is to vent a little. I would also appreciate some advice. I beleive/hope this could be salvageable, as I think overall our relationship was fantastic. I know NC is my best shot at getting her to come around, although she can be quite stubborn and has an extremely strong personality. Thus far I haven't removed her as my GF on facebook (I don't think she's told her family yet), or deleted her from FB. I know that I OBVIOUSLY need to take this step, especially before she does. She has a few of my things, and I have a couple of her things. I was originally going to exchange belongings and THEN tell her I was taking her off FB. But the more I think about it, the more I know I need to do it now. Especially considering I know I would feel terrible to log on FB and see she had gone ahead and done it before me.

Part of me is still holding on, hoping this can be salvaged, but part of me knows I need to begin the healing process...starting with removing her from my life.

Any thoughts/insights would be nice. I realize this is a long winded post, which mostly goes in circles. To be honest I've been somewhat of a mess the past couple days. Time to regain composure however and move foreward.

allow her the time and space to chill and come around, if shes not finished it on FB either, then theres still that hope, my ex i went NC was calling me now and again, hoping to get me back, i can only hope the same for you mate.

"The wrath of women knows no bounds"

I wouldn't write this one off too quick, IMO by going no contact you let this other biitch (!!) win by sabotaging your relationship.

If it were me, I'd nonchalantly have my service provider print out a transcript of the text conversation and show her. But I also think that she'll come back around if you play it cool unless she was looking for a reason to end it.

If you say she is a Psycho, you must be one also to have written that long a post about her. Personally, I tend to think she isn't any more psychotic than any woman. 2 weeks NC followed by a talk to get to the core issue is what is needed.

do you reall think she herself hasnt had her own, 'text communications' with other guys? that she has never been hit on? dont change YOUR fb status???
she is milking this for all its worth. NC is absolutely the right thing to do and dont be ina hurry to break it even if she starts begging, its not like you actually banged the psycho!

posting this as an edit to keep my 10 post limit down.

Hide your FB relationship status, that will make her head spin a little more

Bigneil, the psycho I was referring to was not my gf, but rather the random chick that I'd met. What is your opinion as far as the FB status goes? Do I leave it in the hopes we can reconcile? Or 'beat her to the punch?'


Edit: Betheman. Hiding the status is something I hadn't thought of. I like it!

Update:

It is day 6 of NC with my ex gf. I still love her, and obviously would like a chance to repair things.

Other than including her in a group text (required because of a work situation which has since ceaced) that I did not speak directly to her I have been able to refrain from contacting her. Following the group text she attempted to text only me and initiate a conversation, I simply did not respond. She managed to go a couple more days until just now she began texting me. The conversation follows below:

Her: "Thanks for the financing waiver, did you send it to conveyancing already?" - 7:04pm

I ALMOST replied to this, because it was work related. But decided it was a bull**** attempt to get me to break, and really wasnt necessary to reply to as she would be CC'd in the email to our office.

Her: "This is hard for me too BadNews.... " - 8:59pm

Her: "Would you rather I not contact you at all anymore?" 9:04pm

Her: "If you want me to cut all contact, you need to communicate that to me... " - 9:08pm

Her: "BadNews???" - 9:11pm

Her: ":'(" - 9:15pm



She could be breaking. Might not be. Obviously breakups are hard for everyone involved. Every part of my being wants to contact her, and see if this can still be worked out between us. Sigh.

Any further advice or insight would be GREATLY appreciated, by anyone. Thanks for the support in advance fellas.

- BadNews

Another Update:

I just noticed she called me on "hiding" my relationship status on FB, and went full out and ended our relationship on FB as well.

She then also sent me a heartbreaking message on FB. Somewhat of a goodbye message. Saying the past 6 days without me has felt like a lifetime... she will always love me, but knows it's time to end it between us. Hopes I find someone that will be everything I need...She put my stuff in a box and can take it somewhere for me if I want.

FEELS LIKE THE REAL DEAL BOYS! Not sure how I want to proceed. If we have a hope in hell I would love to repair and see if we can make our relationship work. If not, I would love to be friends with her...but I know that makes it nearly impossible to get over someone, especially if they move on to someone new before you.

Help...lol

BadNews said:

FEELS LIKE THE REAL DEAL BOYS! Not sure how I want to proceed. If we have a hope in hell I would love to repair and see if we can make our relationship work. If not, I would love to be friends with her...but I know that makes it nearly impossible to get over someone, especially if they move on to someone new before you.

Help...lol

Click to expand...

Accepting moving into the friendzone is like opening a can of heartbreak!

You say that you are going NC but what is your motive for doing that??
I would suggest that you are using it as a tool to bring the ex back!
You say that you are in NC but still have a connection on FB. You see, NC means No contact...... No facebook, No peeking at her status or anything else.

Delete everything: Numbers, contacts etc. Tell mutual friends not to tell you anything about her. Delete your Facebook account completely even if it's just for a few months.

Accept that for the moment she's gone and she aint coming back. Somewhere along the line she might, but for now she's gone.

Concentrate on you. Work on whatever issues you have and genuinely try and improve yourself. Do NC for you not for your ex.

D

BadNews said:

Another Update:

I just noticed she called me on "hiding" my relationship status on FB, and went full out and ended our relationship on FB as well.

She then also sent me a heartbreaking message on FB. Somewhat of a goodbye message. Saying the past 6 days without me has felt like a lifetime... she will always love me, but knows it's time to end it between us. Hopes I find someone that will be everything I need...She put my stuff in a box and can take it somewhere for me if I want.

FEELS LIKE THE REAL DEAL BOYS! Not sure how I want to proceed. If we have a hope in hell I would love to repair and see if we can make our relationship work. If not, I would love to be friends with her...but I know that makes it nearly impossible to get over someone, especially if they move on to someone new before you.

Help...lol

Click to expand...

I personally think you are playing this all wrong. YOU are the one who "cheated" on her, and lets face it, though you didn't cheat physically, something led to you giving out your number and texting with the other girl. IF I was your gf I would be pissed off too. So your response to doing this is to go NC on her?? Does not compute. Especially when you still want things to work. You are carrying this DJ stuff too far. All you are doing by going this route is showing your gf you really don't care about her. First you talk to another girl and now you ignore her. If I was her I would tell you to F off and never talk to you again quite frankly.

Why don't you just explain to her what happened, calmly and rationally, tell her you want to stay with her and you want this to work, and that what happened will never happen again? Get your wireless carrier to send you copies of your texting convo and tell your gf that you are doing this as well. Though something tells me the things that you really said to the other girl were pretty bad. I don't believe she edited the convo's to that much of extent. I think you are pretty guilty of "flirting" at the very least, maybe a little more than that.

I am not saying you send her a dozen roses and beg on your hands and knees, but damn man you f'd up, if you really love this girl than show her how sorry you are and how much you care.

I've always been a fan of following how you truly feel. I went through a recent break up as well, similar to yours in how close I was to the girl. However my situation ended because of different reasons than yours, and I am unable to follow how I feel, so I had to move on. But if I were in your shoes, I'd say try and do what you can to get this girl back if you really feel that strongly about her, otherwise you'll carry that regret. I've seen it happen to many guys successful with women. They meet what one girl who gets under their skin, and though they continue to date and have new relationships with other women, there's something special that draws them back to that one girl in the back of their mind.

You've played the game well so far, but there comes a time when you have to swallow your pride and your notions of what you "should do" and do what you feel is right. You want her back? Work for it -- to an extent.

Not saying to go in on your hands and knees begging. Sometimes you need to give it time before moving back in for the kill, but do not wait too long least you prey get away. Know when you're fighting a losing battle. But if you see a glimmer of hope and something there that's honestly worth it, it can't hurt to try.

I do think it's worth it to continue. And I know I am/can be good for this girl. I've broken her trust to the point where she's said "**** it." I realized a long time ago you can't 'game' a real relationship with somebody, but I can't reason with her at this point either.

I'm not sure exactly how, as you guys are suggesting, I am to 'try.' How do I make her believe that I ****ed up, and it won't happen again, when I've given her every reason to not believe me. Every part of me wants to sit her down, appologize, and make her see that I'm serious about making this right.

We've talked about marriage, and I've thought to myself that I would marry her when the time was right. I would.

At this point there seems nothing I can do other than let her walk away. Play the NC game in the hopes that it works and she misses me? Idk. I feel terrible that I've hurt the girl I love this much. If I just cut her out of my life I can honestly say it would only add to my guilt, and regret, which are two things I'm going to have to live with.

Any advice as to how to 'try?'

Well see something on your story isn't making any sense, or maybe I am just getting confused from your writing. You keep saying that she is the one who doesn't want your relationship to work anymore, and yet from what I can tell in your prior posts she is the one who keeps trying to contact you and you are the one ignoring her. Some details must be missing or something because I am having a difficult time understanding who wants this break up and who doesn't and who is trying to talk about things and who isn't.


IF she is the one trying to contact you, but not to get back together but to just talk? Then I would just tell her simply "look, I love you and what I did was a huge mistake on my part, and for that I truly apologize. I have really learned a lesson in all this, it would never happen again, and I would like to see each other to see if we can get back on track. If not, I understand and wish you all the best".

And leave things at that until if/when the point comes when she is ready to try again.
And leave things at that.

Doesn't your friend have physical evidence of the psycho girl's attempts at sabotage? She admitted to him that she intentionally ruined you, right? Have you sat her down and calmly explained everything?

Cordoncordon:

She is the one that ended our relationship. She has said she doesn't 'want' it to end and still loves me, but because of severely broken trust in her last LTR (the guy cheated on her for 3 of 7 years) she doesn't feel her head is in a good place to continue the relationship. She doesn't want to turn into a controlling psycho, as that wouldn't be good for either of us, and said the break in our trust is starting to make her feel like she's headed, or could head, that direction.

She is indeed the one that has been attempting to contact me. Though I am not sure why, probably because she DOES still love me and is still IN love with me.

I initially handled the breakup poorly, and very AFC like. I attempted to reason with her, appologize, tell her it wouldnt happen again, and basically convince her to continue working on this with me. It didn't work.

Going NC has cause her to actually attempt to contact me several times, though I'm not sure why. Breaking up with someone is just as hard as being dumped, so there may be no real reason behind her contacting me other than the left over feelings. It may mean nothing.

Kidquick:

I talked to her about this, explained everything to her. My friend (being the good guy he is) actually called her without my knowledge to vouch for me. He explained that I had been upfront about having a GF, and tried to ditch the random multiple times the night before, he told her about the random texting him "hahaha, i ****ed your friend's relationship."

None of it matters to her. The point that matters to her is that I tried to hide it from her, was not COMPLETELY transparent about exactly what was said in the text conversation (I gave her the coles notes in an attempt to avoid further conflict), and basically betrayed her trust. Ommission is betrayal. The real problem for her isn't even the random girl, or the texts, its the fact that I betrayed her trust.




I guess the biggest thing I'm worrying about here is that if I try to reason with her and convince her that we can work things out...I may be shooting myself in the foot. If I continue going NC...I may be shooting myself in the foot. What to do what to do.

Dude, I think you are playing the game COMPLETELY wrong here. She sounds like a good girlfriend and you abused her trust by texting psycho b1tch. The fact your ex is still trying to contact you means she still cares about you a lot, which means there is still hope in saving things. You yourself said you still love her.

NC is usually used by people to come to terms with losing someone when...
1) That someone has ended it with you and there looks like little hope of reconciliation
2) That someone has ended it with you moved on to another person.
3) You yourself want to move on, giving closure and coming to terms with it all.

There are other situations but I think these 3 cover most.

If you want her back why they fvck are you ignoring her and not trying to rebuild trust by displaying some affection toward her and value in your relationship? If you love her, call her, apologise, tell her she's the best thing in your life, send her a huge bouquet of flowers and get her back, whatever it takes. Stop playing fvcking games with her head, she's been through enough already.

Skalioppe said:

Dude, I think you are playing the game COMPLETELY wrong here. She sounds like a good girlfriend and you abused her trust by texting psycho b1tch. The fact your ex is still trying to contact you means she still cares about you a lot, which means there is still hope in saving things. You yourself said you still love her.

NC is usually used by people to come to terms with losing someone when...
1) That someone has ended it with you and there looks like little hope of reconciliation
2) That someone has ended it with you moved on to another person.
3) You yourself want to move on, giving closure and coming to terms with it all.

There are other situations but I think these 3 cover most.

If you want her back why they fvck are you ignoring her and not trying to rebuild trust by displaying some affection toward her and value in your relationship? If you love her, call her, apologise, tell her she's the best thing in your life, send her a huge bouquet of flowers and get her back, whatever it takes. Stop playing fvcking games with her head, she's been through enough already.

Click to expand...

The reason is, and I've learned, because women don't work based on logic and reasoning. They work based on how they FEEL. I could spend hours till I'm blue in the face trying to reason with her, and make her believe that it was a mistake, I learned my lesson, it wont happen again blah blah blah. But it won't matter, unless she FEELS like she wants to make things work between us.

By disconnecting myself, I am forcing her to FEEL something for me. Right now she misses me, she is wishing things weren't like this, she is wondering if she made the right decision. Everything she is FEELING right now because of being unable to have contact with me MIGHT make her FEEL like she really does want this to work out between us.

You cannot make a girl think she wants to continue a relationship with you, she needs to feel it. And pleading with her isn't going to make her feel anything other than feeling like I'm needy, I have nothing else going for me, she is better than me, and that she made the right decision.

I realize she has been through a lot already, because of me. And that sucks. It hurts actually. A LOT! I'm not trying to punish her, or make her feel worse. I'm trying to evoke some kind of feeling that MIGHT make her feel like she made the wrong choice.

On the flip side, I could just be making myself look like a selfish *******. But hey, I've already done that right?

Ok got it everything is more clear now. Well since you have already begged and groveled it sounds like, and your buddy called her as well, I would simply text or email her what I wrote above in the prior post, and leave it at that. Hope that time heals all wounds and that she realizes that while it is pretty f'd up what you did, it isn't THAT bad. Tell her you would do anything to repair the damage, but until that time comes when she is willing to start trying to move on from this, you need your own time and space to try and move on as well, with the hope that someday soon she will be willing to reconsider.

Though I do think you need to think about why you gave your # to this other girl in the first place and why you were in contact with her. It sounds like there was something you were missing in your current relationship that led you to do that. When things like this happen it tends to make people over react and think they 100000000% need to stay with the current gf, but then when things calm down again they start to realize why they started to stray in the first place. Think about that and if getting back together is truly what you want.