Its hurting like hell thinking about breaking off my 5yr LTR with my GF.

been a LONG time since i last posted here. but i need the advice of the wise men of sosuave.

the last 2 weeks have been hell for me emotionally.

the TLDR version is that after some soul searching and looking back over the last 5 years with my gf, i realized that i dont think it would be right to marry her, i couldnt be the husband that she wants me to be while being the person that i am without changing who i am. while i love her to death, we are different people at the core. while i am happy to be with her, its not that level of happiness and connection that I want in a partner that I feel would make me complete person. it wouldnt be fair to keep it going knowing how i feel about it all now. and it wouldnt be right to ask her to change herself, all the way to the core, to make me happy.

she is my first LTR and just thinking about breaking up is really hurting me. we have been through so much together over the years, ups and downs, connecting with her family. as i am cleaning up my apt, i look at the things she has given me over the years and i just break down. from pictures to stuffed animals, i treasure them all. ive been there for her and her family all these years (her dad died a couple of years ago early on in our relationship) and i have been helping them from time to time with house stuff. it pains me that if/when i do break it off, i wont be there for her and her family and that hurts me the most. she doesnt have much family in the area. im the type of person that goes above and beyond to help my friends with anything they need. it pains me so much that i wont be able to be there for them anymore.

and because of that, its skewing my decision making. im starting to have second thoughts about breaking up with her. ive thought about taking to her about my feelings about things, but they may be moot. any thoughts?

Hey man I just posted a thread about this very subject today. See the "1.5 year LTR" thread.

It sounds like deep down in your heart you know she isnt the one for you. I'm sure you "could" make things work with her, but do you really want a life with someone you are totally different from? To change yourself at the core...this takes years and years of work and I'm not even sure it's possible. Think about all the effort you'll spend doing that, and how much better spent it would be finding new women. Women are not a rarity, even good women. There are lots and lots of them out there.

5 years makes it massively tough though, no doubt. But remember, a Man makes the hard decisions. The ones where someone will be hurt no matter what.

ah, the old question of marriage ... like Colossus; I ended a long LTR as well and posted about it very recently.

I have nothing to say to you brother, I have been there at least three times with different women. And really, who hasn't? However, if your gut feeling is telling you not to, you can't go on. You have to disassociate yourself from your current emotions and look at things from a broader perspective.

Couple of years ago, (on a different account) I was going through the same things like you were, and I PM'ed the legendary Jophil. He very kindly responded to my note and said something like this:
"I tell young men your age, who are considering to get married or not the following: If you had 5 available women from your town, who are dying to be with you - right now -, would you still get married?

I think this sums up the entire philosophy; and an honest answer to this question will tell you whether or not you should leave her.

Good luck.

You've been contemplating this for two weeks after being with her for five years. You mentioned that you're thinking about not moving forward to marriage. Maybe this is cold feet? I'm not saying don't break up with her, but DON'T blindside her. You do need to talk to her. You need to lay all your cards on the table and let her know how you feel, your concerns, basically go into detail about what makes you feel you guys are incompatible for the long haul. Maybe talk it over with a couples counselor.

You're talking in vague generalities about how she's not the "deep connection" that you seek. If this is something you've been feeling for a couple weeks, think and sleep it over some before you spring a break up on her. If this is something you've felt for much, much longer, then you have been doing both of you a disservice keeping your feelings hidden.

How you leave somebody really says a lot about you as a person. It's never easy to do, even if it's the right thing, but do you do it with kindness and compassion, or do you just discard them like a piece of trash?

You may very well be right on the money that she isn't the right one for you, but you really need to have a heart to heart talk with her and maybe give this a couple more weeks of contemplation. If you've felt this way for months then this is a feeling that isn't going to go away, but if it's only been a couple weeks, it might just be cold feet and you're in a heightened emotional state.

James Bellushi[sp] the actor wrote a book on dating/marriage about 5 years ago... actually had some GOOD advice. "IF 5 of your best friends put on boxing gloves and you had to fight your way through all of them to get to the car and drive to the wedding... IF you are willing to do that, you are ready to marry her"

sorry, i left out some background information here.

ever since the beginning of our relationship, ive had some concerns:

personality wise we are completely opposite people. i am very outgoing. i enjoy meeting new people wherever i am. i enjoy talking about anything. politics, world conflicts, local news, finance, computers, anything. i am very curious about everything. my gf, is the opposite. she doesnt like being around new people, doesnt like to talk to people she doesnt know, doesnt really know whats going on in the world.

b/c of our different personalities, we dont really talk about much about anything. its like she has no opinion on anything or wants to say anything. i try to talk about something i watched on tv or something i read in a blog. i could have a life problem and i will tell her about it, but i would get no response. i get a head shake or a nod, but no real words of encouragement or opinion. i know she cares, but she doesnt really express it with any words. with no words to be perfectly. honest. this is something i noticed since we started dating those years ago but never really bothered me.
when we are out together, we frankly dont talk much. not that awkward silence, just silence. this is nothing new. when we are sitting on the couch, same thing. she doesnt talk. i could bring up a conversation topic, but no real response from her. and i dont really take her out to parties or gatherings all to often b/c i know she wont have fun. she doesnt really drink and cant/wont talk to new people. she wants to just go home and sleep and i want to hang out and enjoy myself. so i just dont bring her out at all.

over the last couple of months, it is has really started to bother me. ive been more social as of late b/c I have been going out to different meetups to meet new people in the same line of business that i am in. i dont meet people just to do business but i enjoy meeting new people just to meet new people. i feel that by talking to different people and getting to know them, i will slowly be exposed to new things i never seen or heard before. its part of growing up and maturing for me.

there are two things that really made me think about my LTR:

I have been meeting more women as of late when I go out to meetings and such (not the bars or clubs), some of who i have become friends with. And it made me realize how little I talk with my GF. When i am with these other women, we talk about anything. When we go out for dinners, we dont just eat and go as i do with my GF. We eat and have long stimulating and fun conversations for hours on end. And then I realize, why cant i have this all the time? Why cant I hang out with my GF and chat about random stuff?

I also recently re-connected with someone from my past and after some chatting, it turns out she was in a LTR and recently broke off her engagement. she said it was hard to do but she had to. she no longer felt the love and had become disconnected from him. in the end, she had to do it. then it got me thinking that maybe my GF is NOT the one and I have been blind this whole time. And it turns out, that we both have alot in common. we are enjoying each others company...alot. there is some definitive flirting going on between but i will not take it beyond that while i am with my GF.

my GF talk about marriage and stuff, but part of me wonders how long I can put up with our personality difference. Don't get me wrong. I love my GF. Id take a bullet for her. But in the end, i feel that communication is such an important thing to have. just being able to talk to someone about your problems is a great thing to have. but for me, when i do, its like im talking to a brick wall. i know she cares deeply when i have problems.

sodbuster said:

James Bellushi[sp] the actor wrote a book on dating/marriage about 5 years ago... actually had some GOOD advice. "IF 5 of your best friends put on boxing gloves and you had to fight your way through all of them to get to the car and drive to the wedding... IF you are willing to do that, you are ready to marry her"

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ha. love it. good advice.

Did you know what you wanted in a partner before you meet your LTR and do you know what you want in a partner now. Don't marry someone just to be nice. Know exactly what you want in a partner and don't just settle for 'not even close'.

samspade said:

This is gonna sound effeminate but:

Listen to your gut. Our brains sometimes tell us what is the "right thing to do," because we've been conditioned to believe certain things in life are "right" and "rational." That's not to discredit rational thought. But society establishes certain things as no-brainers when they really aren't. Holding on to a woman when you want to be single is one of those things.

Your gut tells you something different, because it's really a part of your brain that's sending you signals that one choice is, long term, not right for you. Unfortunately the choice that's "right" for you may carry some short-term discomfort so it seems counter intuitive to opt for that. We'd all like to postpone pain in the hopes that whatever long term discomfort may never surface. Your gut is telling you that it will.

Once you embrace the right decision FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU you will feel a sense of freedom. Weight off your shoulders. Yes there will be pain. Five years is a long time and it's gonna hurt. But if this is what you're leaning toward then be a man and accept it...you can always come here for support.

This kind of process is where women excel and men often falter. Women lean on their friends and emotionally vomit everything. Men don't like to do that but in situations like this I think it helps.

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This is great advice and what my 9 year LTR came down to....listening to my gut. Now 6 months on I'm having a great time and gaining a sense of fulfillment, and I know it was the right decision just a difficult one.

A 5-year relp -- especially if it's your first LTR -- will utterly f*ck you up emotionally for many months if/when it ends. Prepare yourself. Start dating other chicks and stick with that through the breakup. Otherwise you're looking at being a complete emotional basket case for a good 5-6 months.

thanks guys. i wish i could vote up on all your tips and suggestions. i think i know what i have to do. now, time to figure out what to say...not that it will hurt any less

Relationships last when they foster your personal growth. They often end when that stops. It could last five minutes, five years, or five decades. But when the time comes that the relationship is no longer helping you grow as a person, you will want to end it. Those are some good words to mix into your breakup talk.

IMO your lack of communication is a red flag. Can you see another 50 years of this? You are an extrovert; she is an uber introvert. It seems to me that you should have enjoyable discussions about all sorts of stuff with your best friend -- movies, current events, personal issues, politics, etc. if doing so is part of your nature. You two seem to be on different wavelengths in terms of living your lives.

Hey killer after reading your last post I think you definitely would be doing the right thing to move on. And you've had these doubts from the beginning...they aren't going to go away. "Could" you marry her and make it work?? Probably, but that doesn't mean you should.

Bible_Belt said:

Relationships last when they foster your personal growth. They often end when that stops. It could last five minutes, five years, or five decades. But when the time comes that the relationship is no longer helping you grow as a person, you will want to end it. Those are some good words to mix into your breakup talk.

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you are right. i never thought about it that way. looking back at our relationship, she hasnt really helped or motivated me to become a better person. i'v been doing that all on my own b/c i want to become a better man. it would be nice to have a parter to really push me along as well.

my gf seems to lack motivation to become a better person. i have slowly pushed her to read more, to be become more knowledgeable about things that go on in life. she is slowly taking to the idea over the last couple of months.

Bible_Belt said:

Relationships last when they foster your personal growth. They often end when that stops. It could last five minutes, five years, or five decades. But when the time comes that the relationship is no longer helping you grow as a person, you will want to end it. Those are some good words to mix into your breakup talk.

Click to expand...

you are right. i never thought about it that way. looking back at our relationship, she hasnt really helped or motivated me to become a better person. i'v been doing that all on my own b/c i want to become a better man. it would be nice to have a parter to really push me along as well.

my gf seems to lack motivation to become a better person. i have slowly pushed her to read more, to be become more knowledgeable about things that go on in life. she is slowly taking to the idea over the last couple of months.

Colossus said:

Hey killer after reading your last post I think you definitely would be doing the right thing to move on. And you've had these doubts from the beginning...they aren't going to go away. "Could" you marry her and make it work?? Probably, but that doesn't mean you should.

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i wouldnt want to marry someone with the mindset of "i could marry and make it better". i think when time comes...i want to be like..."FVCK...IM GONNA LOCK THIS DOWN NOW". i dont feel that way with her now and thats not a good sign.

DonJuanabe said:

IMO your lack of communication is a red flag. Can you see another 50 years of this? You are an extrovert; she is an uber introvert. It seems to me that you should have enjoyable discussions about all sorts of stuff with your best friend -- movies, current events, personal issues, politics, etc. if doing so is part of your nature. You two seem to be on different wavelengths in terms of living your lives.

Click to expand...

after i started going out more, i realized that is what i was missing in my relationship. ive been working so hard over the years, it never hit me. but once i was exposed to so many new things, i felt like I knew what i wanted in life. and communication is something so important to have in a lasting relationship.

From what I've read, it looks to me like you've done more to enrich her life than she's done to enrich yours. I think in this case, from what limited information you gave, that she's getting the better end of the deal in the relationship. There might be love there, and that's normal if you have been with her for 5 years, but just because you care about someone doesn't mean you should marry her.

I think what's keeping you locked in isn't that you're so thrilled about the idea of spending the rest of your life with her. I think what's keeping you locked in is the fear of hurting her feelings. You don't want to hurt her feelings. So you can either stay in a relationship based on the lie that you are both meant for each other from now until you both drop dead OR you can deal with the pain now and get it over with.

This isn't like the difference between pulling a band-aid off slowly or quickly. This is like the difference between choosing between a broken leg or brain cancer. Both will hurt like hell. One will just hurt for a shorter period of time and then you move on with your life.

A woman should be a positive force in your life -- if you have to walk her through all of these things you're in trouble. Breakups suck man. Sometimes the pain is always there, I wish there was an easier answer in those regards. But if you know you don't want to be with her the rest of your life, what is all the second-guessing?

I guess I would say, try and talk with her. If you really can't connect on any real way with her, than what's the point? How would you be able to handle the real challenges and hurdles that life creates if even simple things, together, are difficult?