If I initiated No Contact when should I break it?

Sorry it's lengthy but Here is my story, I appreciate any help and advice as I desparately need it:

I met a girl and we were hanging out a lot, and texting each other a ton. This was in Feburary of this year. I told her I was attracted to her and eventually I found out her ex had committed suicide a year ago by her so she couldn't get close to anyone. She said she had been premiscuous in the last year because of it (which confused me but I accepted it), she is in a sorority too so I just figured that was her influence. So I just wanted to be a good friend to her. She said she didn't want to talk about what happened again, so I respected that.

We still continued to hang out a lot and spent a lot of time in my room watching movies. Eventually one thing lead to another and we slept with each other. She then started to kiss me every time we saw each other and every time I left. I would take her out to sporting events and movies and dinner often. I was so confused.. eventually she started pulling away a little, so I addressed this to her and asked her what was going on. She said she still couldn't get close to anyone because of her ex and she was sorry if she was acting weird. I again respected this, and felt I was getting in over my head with her but we were sleeping with each other so my emotions got the best of me and I started to care for her a lot.

We agreed we'd keep sleeping with each other, which was something I thought i'd be able to handle but I guess was just more out of selfishness as a reason to continue to get close to her. After a while she started acting weird.. and being hot and cold.. I addressed this with her and she said maybe we should just go back to being friends (remember this statement).
I told her I was confused because I thought thats all we were.. She never really said anything back to that because this was a conversation over text.

Eventually she started pushing me away a little more and finally she told me she couldn't sleep with me or anyone else because of the stuff she is still going through with her ex. I understood and I wanted to be there for her but at the same time i backed off. Eventually she still did her own thing and the text got less and less and she would take hours to respond. Eventually i would stop texting then she would randomly text me (almost to make sure im still around).. We would still hang out and get close then she would push me away again and do the same stuff..

She told me she was going to a wedding and it didn;t dawn on me she was probably taking a date until a week after she told me.. I asked her who she was taking and she said her friend (another guy) who;ve they;ve been friends with a couple yrs now. I Eventually i told her i couldn't take this stuff anymore and I couldn't just be her friend. I had feelings for her and it just wasn't working.. She told me I was being a drama queen and that if I was willing to leave her as a friend then we were never friends. It's like she wasn't accepting that I was doing it for me because it hurt to still be her friend. So I stopped talking to her I kind of ended it rudely and I just felt horrible because I wasn't sure about my intuitions of her sleeping with other guys even though she told me at that one point that she couldn't sleep with me or anyone else.. I beleived her but had my doubts. But still i kept wondering if i did the right thing over and over because we spent so much time together i wasn't sure if i was ready to remove her out of my life as a friend..

I ended up reconciling with her and we started off slow but eventually were back to hanging out and texting each other. I found out the friend she took the wedding (he's kind of nerdy so i didn't see him as a threat at first) she was talking to pretty often.. To add though, right before her birthday and the semester was over, me and her were going to meet up with our friends and drink together.. I was in town before she was, and when she finally got in she text me and said she was in town whats going on. I said I had been drinking with my friends for a bit but to let me know and I'll meet her wherever or she could come my way. She then text me and said she was going to the frats... I was just like uhh okay whatever then. Then my other friend randomly text me at the bar im at and tells me he found her and hes with her to come find him.. I'm thinking wtf she said she wasn't going to the bars.. So I go over there with my other friend and start talking to them and she was being stand offish so i after a short convo I just left and went back with my other friends.. and then she text me saying she left the bar.. and another bar i was at I saw her there with another guy buying her drinks (not the guy from the wedding). I just left because it hurt to see that. The next day i asked her where she crashed she said the frats... (i'm thinking you don't crash there without hooking up, but i tried to beleive what she told me that she couldn't sleep with anyone anymore)

On her bday I bought her flowers and she said no one has ever done that for her and she really liked them.. I drove her to a place and me and her friends had drinks. Was a good time, and her friend from the wedding was there buying her a lot of drinks. He lives about an hour away, and she invited him to stay back at her place (she lives with her parents now currently), It hurt a little because I was thinking the worst about them being together but I told myself it was for the better because he had been drinking instead of driving home.. Still I was thinking really? But let it go, and tried to respect me and her were just friends anyway.

I have an internship where I had to leave a good distance away for the summer. So me and her hung out one last time.. and while i was driving to my intern.. she said she missed me, and we were texting a lot. I thought things were going good again. Then she ended up going back to our college to meet up with the guy from the wedding for his bday to have drinks. She told me the next day after i asked her where she ended up crashing she said her and him lit a fire and crashed out by the lake near the school.. At that point my feelings took over again and I just couldn't handle the thought of that but I let it go again saying me and her are just friends and I shouldn't care.

She went on vacation for a week camping where she hardly got cell signal.. so we really didn't talk for a week but she would send me a few messages and then respond to mine by the next day but they were a few here and there because it's hard to keep a convo going when the person responds a day later.. But i understood because she didn't have cell signal.

Eventually she seemed to get cold again.. during all this I've been depressed and down at work and thinking about all this stuff all the time.. I think I kept hanging on to what we had.. But i finally told her I can't do it anymore I needed to find someone who cares for me as much as I do for them.. and that I couldn't be her friend anymore because it's hard with feelings involved. I told her all my concerns, from the crashing at the frat house and seeing her with other guys and letting the other guy spend the night, how all that hurt and it shouldn't since we are just friends. I told her also I see she's not denying she hooked up with people at the frats, even though she told me she couldn't sleep with me anymore or anyone else because of her ex and what she was still going through... I asked her if she was seeing anyone because of how cold she has been again to me, she said no, and that we were never seeing each other either (she had to throw that in there I guess).. I told her that was funny because at a time she said "maybe we should just go back to being friends" she never responded to that.. nor did she deny hooking up with people still.. So I told her I was sorry and i just couldn;t be friends anymore. I said it's time I be selfish for once and think about myself, and I was going to the bars to hit on girls now, and to find someone her cares about me as much as I care about them, and told her to take care.

She told me: "good! get as many numbers as I can and make a game out of it to see out of my friends who can get the most numbers because its fun." She also kept texting me explaining other things I addressed and i think looking more for validation but i ignored her.. She told me something about did i ever think that maybe she was learning from trial and error.. but regardless i can't go on like this anymore, so i instilled the no contact for myself to move on. It still hurts like crazy and i do miss her but then i think about everything i went through with her.. I realize the tragidy that happened with her and her ex.. but sometimes i feel she used that as leverage and as an excuse to still keep me around.. But i don't really know. I feel like by doing this maybe I'm hurting her and shes been through enough with her ex but at the same time shes doing a lot of stuff that seems to go against the love she claims she has/had for her ex.

I'm so confused.. I did the no contact starting sat night.. We haven't spoken since (no surprise) but since I initiated it.. when would it be best to contact her if ever? What do you guys think the odds are of her contacting me. I'm ready to be over her and move on and im not doing this to make her miss me it's more for myself.. but I still do miss her and Im just really confused.

I appreaciate anyone who takes the time to read all that and offers advice. I've not fallen for someone this hard in a while and i ussually dont have trouble with girls.. I'm fit, attractive and a good looking guy.. but i'm very picky so its hard for me to find someone i really like. It's been a hard few months with her... But idk I can't say I'm completely happy with never talking to her again.

You go no contact for your own mental health, as a consequence of moving on.

You don't break it

headFirst said:

I realize the tragidy that happened with her and her ex.. but sometimes i feel she used that as leverage and as an excuse to still keep me around.. But i don't really know. I feel like by doing this maybe I'm hurting her and shes been through enough with her ex but at the same time shes doing a lot of stuff that seems to go against the love she claims she has/had for her ex.

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As I was reading your post, I kept waiting for you to say this, and you finally did.

Listen, whatever happened to her ex does NOT dictate how she'll feel about all future relationships. There are no rules for emotions. It's not like "A girl's ex dies, so it takes 2.25 years to recover" or "Man's wife divorces him, so it takes 3.75 years to start dating".

A woman feels how she feels, and then justifies her emotions AFTER the fact.

If Brad Pitt walked up to this girl tomorrow and said, "I love you. Let's date." she wouldn't think twice about her past. Or more realistically, if a guy she REALLY wanted asked her out, she'd accept. We've all been through sad sh!t. It's not going to stop our hormones from seeking sex and relationships and happiness. We have no control over that part of ourselves. Whether our ex dies, or a girl dumps us, or whatever else.

It's not about her ex passing away. It's about her lack of desire to be with you. Stop letting her sell you on the idea that, "Oh, once I'm through this tough time, MAYBE we'll start dating again." That's nonsense.

I'm so confused.. I did the no contact starting sat night.. We haven't spoken since (no surprise) but since I initiated it.. when would it be best to contact her if ever? What do you guys think the odds are of her contacting me.

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You are confused about her. You're also confused about the purpose of No Contact. It's not a trick or tactic to get her to call you. It's about you proactively making a decision to put a girl in your past. Even if she does contact you, it's not going to wind up with you two holding each other, skipping through flower fields, having this relationship you're dreaming of. You'll go back to being the same neutered friend that she had. It sounds harsh, but I want you to see the reality of things without being clouded by your attraction to her.

But idk I can't say I'm completely happy with never talking to her again.

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Then accept your role as a texting buddy and backup friend, and stop worrying about the fact that she's screwing other guys.

Can't do that?

Then forget her and move on.

Dude. Some people just can't be helped. This chick is mad crazy. But so are most girls in college. Why would she want to be in a relationship with you when she can literally live in paradise, getting dudes buying her drinks all the time and sleeping with whomever she wants. There are certain girls that it is impossible to wife up in college, and this chick seems like one of them. Move on. Get with some other girls. I know it's impossible to think of the prospect of not having this girl in your life. Trust me, most of the guys on this site have had oneitis for a chick. It happens. You need to be a man and never talk to her again. People like her don't deserve your respect. They aren't good for anything but a good lay. It seems like she was just trying to have some good casual secks with you and you fell for her hard. It doesn't really seem like she was that interested in you.

Chicks are hoes bro. You are in college man. Go bang her best friend and see how much she likes that. Then go bang every other girl you can find. Be a cowboy man, there aren't many left.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPOQE_LUESs

There were so many red flags in your story, yet you kept giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Ever heard the saying: "judge a woman solely on her ACTIONS rather than her WORDS if you want to know the truth."

Well in this case that statement def applies!

This girl was stringing you along like a puppet and not only did you accept your role, even though your better judgement told you something was strange, you kept making excuses for her.

Its understandable, we all have been in that position.

But your real error(s) were the following:


1) You became the White Knight; aka you felt "bad" for her, she tried to play off your sympathy card, she knew she could manipulate you. She was getting everything she needed; attention, validation and friendship from you. Then hooking up with random dudes all over school & town.

If you were smart you would've realized she's an emotionally unstable w(h-ore) and should only be good for one thing.


2) Believed her words instead of her actions: This girl kept TELLING you things you wanted to hear; so like a good puppy dog you held on to hope that "one fine day" she would magically wake up and be ready to move your relationship forward. And that's not the way that attraction works.


Lastly as Iceberg said, your confused about NC. Once you go NC, you don't initiate contact; its all about helping YOU move on, not a tactic to get her to call you.

PSS: If your a fit, attractive dude, WTF were you and are you not meeting new girls? Phuck this b-yatch she sounded retarded, and honestly your giving a girl who isn't worth the shiat on the bottom of your shoe, more attention than she ever deserves.

I wouldn't be surprised if that exbf story wasn't true btw!

Every girl who lies is a cheater and every cheater is a liar; don't forget that in your future endeavors bro.








PIMP

Thanks a lot you guys for the advice it really does help to see others views and point out things I foolishly overlooked because I fell for this broad.

I'd love to bang one of her friends, it'd prob be fullfilling after everything shes done, but I'm not really close to any of them and the only real contact I'd have with them is on facebook.. I'm sure the minute I ask one of them if they want to hang out. they'd report back to her..

It's just so hard to beleive that there were no feelings there from her end.. Girls suck so bad.. I hate how she can get sex whenever she wants because she has a few guys she's known for a while in the frats she goes to. Such a miserable situation I've gotten myself into.. Shes made me feel insecure lately too because of all this. It's my fault because I gave her so much power.. and she took advantage of me feeling sorry for her and her ex bf situation like you guys have pointed out.

Too many problems and drama in the background,

even if you want her back...

You have to do NC for a long period of time and i mean 3months and above..

The purpose of NC is to improve yourself,
-Are you in shape? Hit the Gym
-Most importantly, your mindset now is totally Beta! You need to actually move on to change your mindset..

Once you have dealt with the above issues, becoming a changed man (physically and mentally) then you are ready to re contact her

By that time, its only when you have pay lesser attention on her and paying more attention on other chicks, then you will be in a "better position" to re-game her

If you accomplished the above and failed, my friend.. you have to move on.

I am talking via MANY similar life experience

I discover that the route to getting back your Oneitis is actually to move on and she will sense a "different you" mentally and physically after you have moved-on

THanks charlezz, 3 months seems about what I was thinking, but what if she contacts me in the meantime? I did remove her off facebook already and i deleted her number.. If she contacts me before the 3 months do I respond?

charlezz said:

You have to do NC for a long period of time and i mean 3months and above..

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THanks charlezz, 3 months seems about what I was thinking, but what if she contacts me in the meantime? I did remove her off facebook already and i deleted her number.. If she contacts me before the 3 months do I respond?

headFirst said:

THanks charlezz, 3 months seems about what I was thinking, but what if she contacts me in the meantime? I did remove her off facebook already and i deleted her number.. If she contacts me before the 3 months do I respond?

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Respond when/if you want.

I can't speak for everyone, but I think our goal in advising you is to get you to move on. Leave her behind. She's not playing a positive role in your life right now, so what good is it?

Your goal, however, seems to be to provoke a response from her. To get her to notice you.

If you're trying to leave her in the past, then you gotta move forward. Even if she contacts you. You're too emotionally invested in her right now to just be a drinking buddy. Maybe a year from now, after you've dated a few new girls, that'll change.

Thank you iceberg. you are 100% right.. I think I' just trying to adapt to the huge change that just happened in my life. But I know 3 months from now I will be glad I did what I did.

Bro, I won't advise you to move-on. Becoz 99% of the guys here have already advised you.

The trick is... Improve yourself and NC for a period of time..
That's the only way she will come back.. and guess what.. that's also the way you are going to attract more chicks!!

Becoz the end-result of you is the improved you, and you will become naturally aloof towards other hot chicks (Becoz you are in a Oneitis), the combination of Improved You + Aloof = getting more chicks.. and in turn, a more "alpha" you and in turn, your oneitis will notice a different you.

My friend.. I think many ppl will bash me for this comment but its my real life experience i am typing here.

All my exes regreted losing me.. I am a better man everyday (So what i am hurted everytime? Getting hurt is a human natural response)

headFirst said:

THanks charlezz, 3 months seems about what I was thinking, but what if she contacts me in the meantime? I did remove her off facebook already and i deleted her number.. If she contacts me before the 3 months do I respond?

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When she contacts you, do not answer immediately. Be aloof but polite.

Do not delibrately show that you are enjoying yourself, they will sense it. Talk to her in a slightly higher energy than her and make sure you end the conversation first (after a few minute of talk)

If she asked you out, just politely says that "I need to check my schedule, let you know shortly, I need to head somewhere else"

charlezz said:

The trick is... Improve yourself and NC for a period of time..
That's the only way she will come back.. and guess what.. that's also the way you are going to attract more chicks!!

Becoz the end-result of you is the improved you, and you will become naturally aloof towards other hot chicks, the combination of Improved You + Aloof = getting more chicks.. and in turn, a more "alpha" you and in turn, your oneitis will notice a different you.

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The real trick is to always be improving. The problem with most relationships is that men get very complacent. Men seemingly stop improving once they get a mate. Of course after a break up it's easy to continue self-improvement because you have something to prove. I have always loved this quote:

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

It's pretty similar for when in a relationship. What do most do when they have the power in a relationship? They relinquish it, lose focus, and ultimately lose it. If you want to stay in power, act as such. Always be improving.

charlezz said:

Bro, I won't advise you to move-on. Becoz 99% of the guys here have already advised you.

The trick is... Improve yourself and NC for a period of time..
That's the only way she will come back.. and guess what.. that's also the

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As I still am set on moving on and instilling NC for myself and not worrying about if she contacts me but more how to improve myself for the next better
girl(s).. I was curious as to how does the improving myself and NC attract the old one if she doesn't see me improving myself...

Since there is no communication and we are no longer friends on FaceBook, how will she know I'm improving..

SoSuave666 said:

The real trick is to always be improving. The problem with most relationships is that men get very complacent. Men seemingly stop improving once they get a mate. Of course after a break up it's easy to continue self-improvement because you have something to prove. I have always loved this quote:

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

It's pretty similar for when in a relationship. What do most do when they have the power in a relationship? They relinquish it, lose focus, and ultimately lose it. If you want to stay in power, act as such. Always be improving.

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Your guy's responses are very motivating and inspirational.. I really appreciate it and it has had a very positive effect on me today. Thank you very much

So last week I jokingly poked her on facebook when we were still "friends" and I initated to her no contact on sat night and removed her off facebook.. Last night she poked me on facebook.. I ignored it though but what gives? Think it was an accident, like she ment to delete it but poked me.. or was randomly poking back everyone and just hit the poke on mine too not thinking.. or is she already missing me?

I know it's silly and i shouldn't care but just wondering what you guys think.

thanks a lot man for the words of wisdom.. It's always encouraging to hear from others who have walked down ****edOver Lane.

headfirst - read my recent oneitis post on the mature man forum.

Related to the statement that you judge a girl by her actions not words: A girl is not who you think she is; she is not who you want her to be; she is not who she could be if only she were with you. A girl is how she treats you and if you don't appreciate how you are being treated, you don't appreciate her (and you shouldn't).