Can't be bothered with superficial relationships?

Gro0ver · Jun 9, 2012

Hey guys,

So a bit of history on me:

- I was in a great LTR for 9 years, since age 17. We broke up in January 2012, after a lot of back and forth for the final 6 months. In a nutshell i wasn't ready to get married and needed some independence/to see what other girls were like. We were also living together and I needed space. I instigated and drove the break up. I don't regret it but it was hard

- Dated a girl for 2 months (became gf after about 4 weeks), broke up at the beginning of this week. It was going south and overall i knew it wasn't long term, however she was hot and the sex was good, in fact there were quite a few positives, but the red flags were building up and I decided to end it sooner rather than later

All that PUA stuff, I don't read any of it. I've never had problems talking to women, i'm not amazing at picking up but i'm good looking and have a charm that rubs off on some girls. Despite that, I have learned a lot from this website and find it fascinating reading about other people's relationships.

Now here's the thing. Being new to the single game, I'm finding out a few things about my self:

- No matter how hot a girl is, if I don't like her personality I will be instantly turned off and won't want to fvck her or investing any time in seducing her

- I don't want one night stands (hate using condoms due to not using them for my entire LTR - they literally do nothing for me and it ends in embarassment)

- I attract a good amount of women but want to follow up with very very few (2 since January despite frequenting good hunting grounds and attracting interest)

- I really don't want another LTR right now, I feel like I need to build myself up as a truly independent person and live how I want to live, however...

- I gravitate towards relationships because I have a lot to offer due to my experiences and personality, and I guess this is my comfort zone. I love the intimacy and the puzzle of getting to know someone new

Problem is, like every other guy I need to get laid!! It's what I've missed the most from my LTR, the regular mindblowing sex was great. And I just dumped a hot chick when our sex was getting better and better because of red flags/poor behaviour (only in 2 instances) + hating the idea of using her and stringing her along when I know she's into me. I would lose my self-respect, and this is everything to me.

Does anyone else find this?? I literally cannot be fvcked to seduce a girl i'm not interested in or I know has no long-term future at all, it feels wrong like i'm abusing power or something.

Sometimes I think those guys who can pump and dump girls like it was nothing have it good, but I was raised to always consider the effect of my actions on other people. Which is somewhat of a cvckblock in my case.

Do I just accept that I won't be getting regular good sex until I meet another special girl? Or is there another route that can satisfy both the physical needs and the need for independence?

SteR · Jun 9, 2012

Gro0ver said:
Problem is, like every other guy I need to get laid!! It's what I've missed the most from my LTR, the regular mindblowing sex was great. And I just dumped a hot chick when our sex was getting better and better because of red flags/poor behaviour (only in 2 instances) + hating the idea of using her and stringing her along when I know she's into me. I would lose my self-respect, and this is everything to me.

Does anyone else find this?? I literally cannot be fvcked to seduce a girl i'm not interested in or I know has no long-term future at all, it feels wrong like i'm abusing power or something.

Sometimes I think those guys who can pump and dump girls like it was nothing have it good, but I was raised to always consider the effect of my actions on other people. Which is somewhat of a cvckblock in my case.

Do I just accept that I won't be getting regular good sex until I meet another special girl? Or is there another route that can satisfy both the physical needs and the need for independence?

Funnily enough I have exactly the same mindset. Unfortunately I haven't found a solution to the problem either... I avoid stringing along the ones I'm not interested in and try to remain patient while I await meeting the good ones.

But yea I feel your pain. My conscience seems to be my own **** block, haha.

drellum · Jun 10, 2012

Good post!

Yeah, I've just come out of a 5-6 year relationship and feel pretty much the same. Had A LOT of dates since the break up and as I mention in another thread, Finding it hard to generate enough interest for a follow up date.

Have had a few issues with finding attraction also.

I have 3 dates planned this week and i'm starting to get apprehensive about them!

I would like to know more....any ideas..... is it best to steer clear of dating and girls for a while? BTW: I split about 4 months ago and thought it was better to dive in with light dating.

Definitely a mindset thing but also relieved I'm not the only one feeling like this (sorry to you guys)

D

Gro0ver · Jun 10, 2012

Good to know there are other people in the same mindset as me! I really think having a good LTR quite early on in life changes your outlook and expectations somewhat.

I thought about taking a break from girls/dating but I don't think I want to go down that route now. It's too interesting getting to know people and it also teaches you a lot about yourself as well. I'm just too curious to pass up the opportunity to be 1on1 with someone and try to suss them out.

So my strategy is going to be as follows:

- Focus primarily on improving myself and doing what I want to do

- Only date girls I'm interested in and don't waste time on ones I'm not

- Avoid the tendency to need someone to feel happy - get emotionally involved gradually or end it early if I'm not feeling it

- When horny, simply crack one out

I'll let you know how it goes! And you guys do likewise

I wanna hear how your 3 dates go drellum!

drellum · Jun 10, 2012

Gro0ver said:
Good to know there are other people in the same mindset as me! I really think having a good LTR quite early on in life changes your outlook and expectations somewhat.

I thought about taking a break from girls/dating but I don't think I want to go down that route now. It's too interesting getting to know people and it also teaches you a lot about yourself as well. I'm just too curious to pass up the opportunity to be 1on1 with someone and try to suss them out.

So my strategy is going to be as follows:

- Focus primarily on improving myself and doing what I want to do

- Only date girls I'm interested in and don't waste time on ones I'm not

- Avoid the tendency to need someone to feel happy - get emotionally involved gradually or end it early if I'm not feeling it

- When horny, simply crack one out

I'll let you know how it goes! And you guys do likewise I wanna hear how your 3 dates go drellum!

Good philosophy mate.

My problem is that i have never had any long periods where I have been GF free through my life. So there is a sense of a void that needs to be filled.....sad really but I'm not sure how to go about changing that mindset.
Feel the need to be out there dating and ultimately left feeling unfulfilled.

Have a **** buddy on the edge of it all that knows the score but still feeling unfulfilled.

D

Gro0ver · Jun 10, 2012

drellum said:
Good philosophy mate.

My problem is that i have never had any long periods where I have been GF free through my life. So there is a sense of a void that needs to be filled.....sad really but I'm not sure how to go about changing that mindset.
Feel the need to be out there dating and ultimately left feeling unfulfilled.

Have a **** buddy on the edge of it all that knows the score but still feeling unfulfilled.

D

Damn a thought a fvck buddy would be a good solution. Perhaps we need to find our centre as single dudes?

Not an easy pill to swallow.

zekko · Jun 10, 2012

Gro0ver said:
i'm not amazing at picking up but i'm good looking and have a charm that rubs off on some girls.

Sounds fairly modest and realistic. At the end of the day, that's all most guys can say - that they have a charm that appeals to certain girls.

Gro0ver said:
No matter how hot a girl is, if I don't like her personality I will be instantly turned off and won't want to fvck her or investing any time in seducing her.

Agreed.

Gro0ver said:
I don't want one night stands (hate using condoms due to not using them for my entire LTR - they literally do nothing for me and it ends in embarassment).

Totally agree, I freaking hate condoms.

Gro0ver said:
Problem is, like every other guy I need to get laid!!.

Well, we all have our problems.

Gro0ver said:
Sometimes I think those guys who can pump and dump girls like it was nothing have it good, but I was raised to always consider the effect of my actions on other people. Which is somewhat of a cvckblock in my case.].

I've thought this myself at times, it must be nice to be so cavelier. I don't think it's so much social conditioning as it is that pump and dumps are just simply not that satisfying, ultimately.

betheman · Jun 10, 2012

I have been ona bit of a dry spell for the last couple of months, was out last night in town, good bars, well, if youre a woman.
lots of pretty faces, some good looking women, groups, with partners....I really couldnt be bothered!

its more going out to observe behaviours now, it all seems pretty superficial, I see a good looking woman, should I approach?...cant be bothered, maybe Im going lazy or there is something wrong with me, but it seems when I talk to most women, part of me just gets turned off really quickly.

one thing that does get me going is a sense of humour, not girly giggly humour, with, charm, laid back. I dont see this in very many woman, they tend to rely on looks, flashing a bit of flesh, makeup, nice dress etc. beyond that, I find myself getting quite dissapointed so I dont bother as soo many women seem to have their heads so far up their own ar$ses.

TonyBaloney · Jun 10, 2012

Gro0ver said:
Hey guys,

So a bit of history on me:

- I was in a great LTR for 9 years, since age 17. We broke up in January 2012, after a lot of back and forth for the final 6 months. In a nutshell i wasn't ready to get married and needed some independence/to see what other girls were like. We were also living together and I needed space. I instigated and drove the break up. I don't regret it but it was hard

- Dated a girl for 2 months (became gf after about 4 weeks), broke up at the beginning of this week. It was going south and overall i knew it wasn't long term, however she was hot and the sex was good, in fact there were quite a few positives, but the red flags were building up and I decided to end it sooner rather than later

All that PUA stuff, I don't read any of it. I've never had problems talking to women, i'm not amazing at picking up but i'm good looking and have a charm that rubs off on some girls. Despite that, I have learned a lot from this website and find it fascinating reading about other people's relationships.

Now here's the thing. Being new to the single game, I'm finding out a few things about my self:

- No matter how hot a girl is, if I don't like her personality I will be instantly turned off and won't want to fvck her or investing any time in seducing her

- I don't want one night stands (hate using condoms due to not using them for my entire LTR - they literally do nothing for me and it ends in embarassment)

- I attract a good amount of women but want to follow up with very very few (2 since January despite frequenting good hunting grounds and attracting interest)

- I really don't want another LTR right now, I feel like I need to build myself up as a truly independent person and live how I want to live, however...

- I gravitate towards relationships because I have a lot to offer due to my experiences and personality, and I guess this is my comfort zone. I love the intimacy and the puzzle of getting to know someone new

Problem is, like every other guy I need to get laid!! It's what I've missed the most from my LTR, the regular mindblowing sex was great. And I just dumped a hot chick when our sex was getting better and better because of red flags/poor behaviour (only in 2 instances) + hating the idea of using her and stringing her along when I know she's into me. I would lose my self-respect, and this is everything to me.

Does anyone else find this?? I literally cannot be fvcked to seduce a girl i'm not interested in or I know has no long-term future at all, it feels wrong like i'm abusing power or something.

Sometimes I think those guys who can pump and dump girls like it was nothing have it good, but I was raised to always consider the effect of my actions on other people. Which is somewhat of a cvckblock in my case.

Do I just accept that I won't be getting regular good sex until I meet another special girl? Or is there another route that can satisfy both the physical needs and the need for independence?

Brilliant post - i've fought long and hard with this question, and its something thats becoming more and more prominant in my mind - the unfortunate follow on from its is that MOST women have red flags, and unless you wanna stay single for life, at some stage, your gonna have to take on some short comings.

I have been the same as you to the point that a good bud tried to get me into the escorts scene when i was going through a dry patch - we got them over but i just couldnt get it up - i have to have a good bond with a woman to really enjoy the sex.

I literaly have done stints (long stints) of deliberately not f uckin girls cause i knew i didnt want a LTR..... If only i knew then what i know now, that women really are much worse than men....hmmmm

The key is i reckon, when talking to girls, make it clear from the offset that LTR and relationship are not your thing. If they are happy as FB's then all well and good - sadly though i've always personally found that it makes them want you more when you say that.....

Women ay . . . The one thing einstein said he didnt understand.......

T

SteR · Jun 10, 2012

Gro0ver said:
Damn a thought a fvck buddy would be a good solution. Perhaps we need to find our centre as single dudes? Not an easy pill to swallow.

I actually think this is the key but also one of the hardest things to do. The majority of people don't want to be alone, and it's very easy to fall into the trap of just accepting any girl to fill this void.

I think it's only when a man can fully accept being alone that he'll have the most success ie. he'll lose the desperation and realise that losing the girl isn't the end of the world.

Unfortunately this seems to be a pretty difficult thing to do!

This is also rather a deep topic..

don't · Jun 10, 2012

I just avoid US women and their baggage. Also avoid women over 25 years of age, same reason-excess baggage that bores/annoys me. It's not necessary to accept such low grade women, guys.

drellum · Jun 10, 2012

Gro0ver said:
Damn a thought a fvck buddy would be a good solution. Perhaps we need to find our centre as single dudes? Not an easy pill to swallow.

she lives in another city which makes it a bit easier.

Yeah, I used to think a FB would be the answer to everything but in reality it's like an interactive wank and then I think about the time I'm investing v the return on effort.

Serg897 · Jun 12, 2012

This is a good post. Goover, you've given me good advice and I admire the way you handled the end of your 9 year LTR and the short relationship after that.

You will hook up with many more girls. That is a fact. It is also a fact that sex will never be available every single moment that you want it, besides masturbation. That is just the way of the universe, unless you are in a committed LTR with a girl that loves to **** as much as you do. I think we just need to accept this fact and live our lives as independent human beings. Sexual release is just one component of life.

Have fun. You'll find many more girls now that will get you that sexual release from time to time, even if they are just short pump and dumps.

imarockstar · Jun 12, 2012

I know exactly where you are coming from dude. I have ALWAYS been like this. It's like the girls I really want to fvck are the ones I strive to be in a relationship with. If I cannot imagine being in a relationship with a girl and she is not my type, then naturally, I have no desire to fvck her just for the sake of getting laid. The reason I believe that we think like this is due to societal brainwashing and some of our peers experiences that pressure us to "hurry up and get laid, otherwise we are fvcking losers". Personally, I disagree.

I have a few friends, one in particular who sticks out in my mind, that literally will fvck any girl. He can pull some decent girls but I know for a fact that he has banged some disgusting, ugly, severely overweight women. Women that I would not fvck for a million bucks. All in the name of pleasure. Guys like this do not discriminate, and I would not trade places with my friend, ever. I used to wish I could be more like him in this aspect, but not anymore. I have had a few one night stands, and they were all terrible compared to the sex I had in LTR's. Most of the time, your going to be drunk during a ONS, and you are going to be using a condom (hopefully), so yeah, its going to suck. All a ONS will do is inflate your ego, but if you possess authentic confidence, you will not require this inflation. Again, personally, I would rather masturbate than have sex with someone that I do not find attractive (don't go overboard though, I only do it once a week or every 2 weeks or so).

Bottom line is don't stress about it. You don't NEED to get laid. Dryspells are BS. Who cares. Sex is awesome, but it can get repetitive. I remember during my LTR's having sex 3-4 times a day and getting bored with it, however, the first few months I was single, I was craving sex everyday. You only desire it because you don't have it on demand like you used to.

You know what my solution is? Just casually date women. Date a girl that piques your interest, and after a few dates, escalate to sex. If your interests, beliefs, morals, whatever it may be, stop you from engaging in ONS's, then don't do it. Don't feel obligated to do something just because society tells you that you should.

Gro0ver · Jun 13, 2012

Serg897 said:
This is a good post. Goover, you've given me good advice and I admire the way you handled the end of your 9 year LTR and the short relationship after that.

You will hook up with many more girls. That is a fact. It is also a fact that sex will never be available every single moment that you want it, besides masturbation. That is just the way of the universe, unless you are in a committed LTR with a girl that loves to **** as much as you do. I think we just need to accept this fact and live our lives as independent human beings. Sexual release is just one component of life.

Have fun. You'll find many more girls now that will get you that sexual release from time to time, even if they are just short pump and dumps.

Thanks Serg, I appreciate it dude.

I've been trying to come to terms with this for the last week, trying to alter my mindset to get comfy in the single life. Problem is I saw my ex (the very recent one) at my dance class and she text me after and basically goaded me in to calling her. It seems she's really keen to get back together, I was flattered by some of her quite cunning manouvering, but I know deep down that it just wouldn't be right to get back together. But yet I'm tempted by the validation/sex it would give me and the fact that she's a hottie and charming.

I feel like mentally i've been pegged back a stage now!

Women can be downright sneaky....

imarockstar said:
I know exactly where you are coming from dude. I have ALWAYS been like this. It's like the girls I really want to fvck are the ones I strive to be in a relationship with. If I cannot imagine being in a relationship with a girl and she is not my type, then naturally, I have no desire to fvck her just for the sake of getting laid. The reason I believe that we think like this is due to societal brainwashing and some of our peers experiences that pressure us to "hurry up and get laid, otherwise we are fvcking losers". Personally, I disagree.

I have a few friends, one in particular who sticks out in my mind, that literally will fvck any girl. He can pull some decent girls but I know for a fact that he has banged some disgusting, ugly, severely overweight women. Women that I would not fvck for a million bucks. All in the name of pleasure. Guys like this do not discriminate, and I would not trade places with my friend, ever. I used to wish I could be more like him in this aspect, but not anymore. I have had a few one night stands, and they were all terrible compared to the sex I had in LTR's. Most of the time, your going to be drunk during a ONS, and you are going to be using a condom (hopefully), so yeah, its going to suck. All a ONS will do is inflate your ego, but if you possess authentic confidence, you will not require this inflation. Again, personally, I would rather masturbate than have sex with someone that I do not find attractive (don't go overboard though, I only do it once a week or every 2 weeks or so).

Bottom line is don't stress about it. You don't NEED to get laid. Dryspells are BS. Who cares. Sex is awesome, but it can get repetitive. I remember during my LTR's having sex 3-4 times a day and getting bored with it, however, the first few months I was single, I was craving sex everyday. You only desire it because you don't have it on demand like you used to.

You know what my solution is? Just casually date women. Date a girl that piques your interest, and after a few dates, escalate to sex. If your interests, beliefs, morals, whatever it may be, stop you from engaging in ONS's, then don't do it. Don't feel obligated to do something just because society tells you that you should.

Funny enough dude I have a friend who is exactly like that, good looking guy but pulls some absolute dogs if it gets towards the end of the night. I definitely prefer having standards! I also don't understand why you'd want to fvck a hot girl who thinks the sun shines out of her arse, why would you give her the satisfaction?

I will continue to casually date, and leave the ex alone....tempting as it may be. I would like to f*** the s*** out of her again but nevermind.

Can't be bothered with superficial relationships?

Gro0ver

Senior Don Juan

SteR

Master Don Juan

drellum

Don Juan

Gro0ver

Senior Don Juan

drellum

Don Juan

Gro0ver

Senior Don Juan

zekko

Master Don Juan

betheman

Banned

TonyBaloney

Senior Don Juan

SteR

Master Don Juan

don't

Don Juan

drellum

Don Juan

Serg897

Master Don Juan

imarockstar

Don Juan

Gro0ver

Senior Don Juan