Can you ever be happy with looks?

This has been bugging me for a long time.

I've come to the preliminary conclusion that I will never be permanently satisfied with a woman's looks, simply because the grass is always greener and the lure of variety is so compelling.

Take my gf. She is cute, a 7 who is in good shape. Not much for boobs, though, and there are moments when I look at her and see signs of aging and ---gasp---her mother. She is 32.

I know the simple DJ solution is to just find a hotter girl, but in my experience that is just a temporary fix. I find that no matter who I am with, there is something about her I wish was a bit different. Bigger boobs, prettier hair, lose a few lbs, more make-up, less make-up, bush, no bush, more tan, etc. I think the problem is me, not so much the girls. I tend to focus on her shortcomings.

To be fair I've never had an LTR with anything above an 8. Even with the 8 though I wished she had more boobs and a firmer butt, lol.

Do I just accept them as they are? I'm certainly not a 10, so I dont have huge bargaining power there; but then again looks are not everything and a 7 with loyalty and good womanly qualities outweighs a ****y 9 any day.

I guess what I'm asking is do you guys feel moments of dissatisfaction justify a break-up?

Good question, Colossus. And of course, I see that you've already answered it YOURSELF. lol

I've found that most things in life are measured in degrees-----whether consciously or subconsciously. No matter how HOT the girl is-----she HAS to at least be well-above a comfortable, satisfactory threshold for YOU. As you already pointed out, the definition of a "Hotter" girl is not the answer because:

1. The "Hotness" of a girl is always a subjective evaluation.

2. The "Hotness" of ANY girl to a man who is wise, has realistic views on women, and is CLEAR about the qualities that he looks for in women------ALWAYS factors in a variety of things other than "just" looks into the woman that he choose to go exclusive with.

3. In SOME category, there'll always be a "Hotter" girl.


I believe that the key to overcoming this potential, human character flaw (and yes-----both men and women share this) is to always factor in BIG PICTURE and LONG TERM personal benefit into whatever choice in "significant other" that we make.


PEACE...one day.


V.U.

There'll always be a "Hotter" girl

Maybe you're just not meant to settle down? Either right now or ever, who knows.

ummm, follow your heart

Even if I had the hottest girl on the planet as I see it, I would still want variety.

I was the same way with my ex. Her looks were ok, when she was tan,makeup,etc and dressed sexy. Any other time she was like a 4 or a 5. I used to tell myself "if i just lived in a secluded small town where i never saw other women...id be happy" anyways..I broke up with her and have dated 4 other girls..all that blow her looks and body outta the water. I was in a relationship with one who was about a 9, I could not find a hotter girl. Even when I was at the gym,work,wherever. No other girls compared. I'd tell myself in my head "ohh if theese chicks only knew how hot my gf was." 1 of the other girls. Was like a 7 at best. But I was obsessed with how perfect her image was, sexy professional dress, perfect accessories. I was enamored by this girls looks. So my answer to your question is that you can be near perfectly happy with someone's looks. Everyone has faults, but if you find her attractive enough you'll never think of thoose faults.

I have always felt this. Really glad to see I'm not the only one. Even if I lust after a girl, once I get her I start noticing physical things that I don't like. Or even if there's nothing bad I'll see another girl with bigger breasts, a better ass, nicer hair, etc. It's a real curse.

Colossus said:

a 7 with loyalty and good womanly qualities outweighs a ****y 9 any day

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Bingo. To quote:

RKTek said:

Insecure men date beautiful women mainly to impress their friends. Insecure men want trophy women mainly to make themselves look better. Insecure men want to drive hot sports cars to impress their friends or to pick up chicks. Insecure men want swoopy motorcycles to impress their friends or pick up chicks.
Real men on the other hand, date women who are good companions, who really turn them on because they’re interesting and attractive. Looks are very important, but not the most important.

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Yo'Mama said:

I have always felt this. Really glad to see I'm not the only one. Even if I lust after a girl, once I get her I start noticing physical things that I don't like. Or even if there's nothing bad I'll see another girl with bigger breasts, a better ass, nicer hair, etc. It's a real curse.

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I struggle with this too man. I think it's hard-wired into our evolutionary imperative to procreate with as many viable options as possible. Perpetual dissatisfaction would seem to be a great tool at our gene's disposal to ensure that. And maybe Cluster B's are the universe (karma?) balancing the equation haha.

goodfoot said:

Even if I had the hottest girl on the planet as I see it, I would still want variety.

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Yeah, I really don't think it's about hotness so much, it's about variety. At least for me.

No matter how attractive the girl is I've been with, I've always started to wonder about something else. Like if she was a blond, I'd start thinking about brunettes. Or if she had heavy, pendulous boobs, I'd start thinking about smaller perky ones (and vice versa). Or if she was very slim, I'd start thinking about something more to grab onto. It's a natural impulse.

However, I've had my days of running around. I prefer to stay with my current girl. There are more important things in life than random pvssy.

zekko said:

No matter how attractive the girl is I've been with, I've always started to wonder about something else. Like if she was a blond, I'd start thinking about brunettes. Or if she had heavy, pendulous boobs, I'd start thinking about smaller perky ones (and vice versa). Or if she was very slim, I'd start thinking about something more to grab onto. It's a natural impulse.

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That is me to a T, zekko. I'm always fascinated with the opposite.

I mean I've experienced many different body types---very slim, average, athletic, thick, voluminous breasts, tiny breasts, completely waxed, full bush, tall, short, black, white, hispanic....wow that sounds pretty good when I write it out, lol.

I think it's just a natural impulse as well. Like VU said, I have to look at the bigger picture; what she brings into my life, her loyalty, my goals, etc.

I also like that quote you posted AlphaWhisky.

Thanks for the replies guys.

Colossus said:

I think the problem is me, not so much the girls. I tend to focus on her shortcomings.

but then again looks are not everything and a 7 with loyalty and good womanly qualities outweighs a ****y 9 any day.

I guess what I'm asking is do you guys feel moments of dissatisfaction justify a break-up?

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These 3 sentences stick out the most of to me out of everything you said. I agree with VU that as you've correctly identified, the mindset patterned you've developed is not useful. The grass always seems greener until you actually get there, and at least in my experience, when I finally get there I start to wonder why I got so bent out of shape to get there in the first place. And since this is all subjective anyways (looks), who cares if the grass is green? Some people spend an awful lot of money sowing their lawns with Kentucky BLUEgrass!

You and most of the guys on this board will probably scoff at what I'm about to say next, but I believe it's true. You have one or two problems, perhaps both. First, you are trying to evaluate your relationship according to some sort of logical calculus that sounds like its fundamentally rooted in the exterior. Don't get me wrong, looks matter, and whoever says otherwise is not being honest with themselves. But looks are also just one piece of a much larger puzzle. Having a healthy level of self respect/esteem is absolutely imperative, but I get the feeling that there are some murmurs in between the lines of your post that suggest a high degree of self-centeredness. What do you want out of your relationship man? Why are you with her? I would hope that at your age and place in life, you've come to a place where you want and expect more than that. And without drifting off in to AFC land, I'm talking about the R part of LTR - relationship.

You can only reason your way through a relationship to an extent. You can use reason to identify things like red flags and deduce a certain amount of interpersonal compatibility, but, and this brings me to issue number 2, do you fall in love through thought and logic?

NO

It doesn't sound like you love this girl. I have no idea how long you have been with her. I don't know anything about it. But I do know a story from Chinese philosophy that's helped me in situations like this. To summarize:

A man is in love with a woman.... but in the midst of his love discovers he is also in love with another woman. He counsels a wise man about his situation for he is unable to determine which woman he should choose (obviously, he's not going the mLTR route). The wise man says to the troubled man that he should choose the second woman, because if he really loved the first, he wouldn't have fallen in love with the second.

Why are we here? Why are YOU here? What brought YOU here? It was probably some heart-wrenching problem with a girl. The prevailing logic on this board says a lot about how we ought to approach our feelings as a man. A lot of it is good. A lot of it is only good in certain circumstances and certain things. "Love" is such a disparaged word around here, probably because so many raw AFCs use it wh*reishly, without any understanding of what the word conveys in the context of a man and woman. But isn't love ultimately the thing that brought us here to begin with? We thought this website would teach us all we would need to know to fix things with That Girl. What we should be taking away from this website is a better understanding of love's proper role and sphere within the context of who we are as men, not throwing it out the window as a concept that Disney invented to make money off of the millions of AW women and AFC guys out there.

I do not believe moments of dissatisfaction justify a breakup. You are not grounded in reality if you believe that. What do you think your relationships are going to be like - those Disney movies we all love to rip on??

You need to figure out whether you are fundamentally happy with this girl.

Are her looks enough for you? She is not a status boosting device for your buddies. She is a woman that you're allegedly cultivating a relationship with because there was something about her that YOU like(d). Looks are not everything, but there is a baseline threshold that every man needs met from a woman, and that criterion is different for every man.

Beyond her looks, is she enough for you? Again, I don't know how long you two have been together, this could be a new thing or it could be something that's been going on for a while. Is she enough?? If it's new, you might not be in a position to know. Find out.

No one can answer this for you except for yourself. You need to take a good look at what your expectations are and outlook and figure out whether that's something that's going to be useful to you in life or hinder you from what you want. Correct anything that is not useful.

Then look at your woman. Figure out if she's enough. If she is, work through this moments of dissatisfaction and stop focusing on the negative... focus on why you chose her to begin with! And if she's not enough... you need to say goodbye immediately.

Espi said:

I pursue women based on the way they look, but paradoxically, I never break up with girls based solely on their looks.

But I can definitely relate to never being 100 percent satisfied with the girl I'm with.

I just simply get bored! Once I sleep with a girl, she usually becomes less attractive--physically, culturally...in every way, I find her less attractive and more apt to lose interest.

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Yo Espi,


Aside from a thirst for variety, I believe two OTHER reasons why both "guys and girls" sometimes tend to lose interest in people after they get with them is because:

A. Some people have a higher desire for "challenge" than others. They tend to lose interest in the current person because they IMMEDIATELY want to see if they can get someone they think is "better" OR, just simply "new and different".

B. Some people's desire for challenge or sexual conquest is SO GREAT that it blinds them. Sometimes, passion and desire can cause some of us to over-inflate the attractiveness, the value, and the overall desirability of the other person. Then, when we finally get them, and the passion and desire FADES and we start seeing that person for what they actually were all along...

A regular human being with a mixture of ATTRACTIVE and "UNATTRACTIVE" qualities.

Sometimes when FANTASY gives way to REALITY, it can be devastating to our initial, hyped up, chemically-induced ATTRACTION.

You get bored of the 9's same way you get bored of the 7's.

When you see a woman, regardless of how hot she looks, together she seems, remember ... there is some guy, somewhere who is sick and tired of her sh1t!

SH

Slickster said:

You get bored of the 9's same way you get bored of the 7's.

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Agreed.

It could be a supermodel, and after you've banged her 100 times, it's just not as exciting as it was. The same way that lobster and champagne dinners would get boring if it's all you had for a year.

It's more to life than looks. Everyone grows old. We all like variety, but we have to have enough self discipline and self awareness to know that we can't have variety forever. You have to enjoy what you can while you can and be realistic about what you are doing.

Colossus said:

This has been bugging me for a long time.

I've come to the preliminary conclusion that I will never be permanently satisfied with a woman's looks, simply because the grass is always greener and the lure of variety is so compelling.

Take my gf. She is cute, a 7 who is in good shape. Not much for boobs, though, and there are moments when I look at her and see signs of aging and ---gasp---her mother. She is 32.

I know the simple DJ solution is to just find a hotter girl, but in my experience that is just a temporary fix. I find that no matter who I am with, there is something about her I wish was a bit different. Bigger boobs, prettier hair, lose a few lbs, more make-up, less make-up, bush, no bush, more tan, etc. I think the problem is me, not so much the girls. I tend to focus on her shortcomings.

To be fair I've never had an LTR with anything above an 8. Even with the 8 though I wished she had more boobs and a firmer butt, lol.

Do I just accept them as they are? I'm certainly not a 10, so I dont have huge bargaining power there; but then again looks are not everything and a 7 with loyalty and good womanly qualities outweighs a ****y 9 any day.

I guess what I'm asking is do you guys feel moments of dissatisfaction justify a break-up?

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I'm exactly where you are at. Married with a probably 8, at least by my standards. BUT she will be 30 soon and I am starting to see signs of aging as well. In the meantime I am poking a 20 yo, a 23 yo and a 26yo. I don't feel bad about it because I still care about her and only her but damn, I know one day the pressure will be too much.

Warrior74 said:

It's more to life than looks. Everyone grows old. We all like variety, but we have to have enough self discipline and self awareness to know that we can't have variety forever. You have to enjoy what you can while you can and be realistic about what you are doing.

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that's what sucks, what if i can have and know for a fact will have variety available even at 50+.... I know how it is out there friends, the US is not the world and a kept 50 yo with some resources is still golden in many countries.

I've dated 7-9s and i've gotten bored with them...mainly because they just offer their vaginas and nothing else. Which is fine...but i could have kept it to fwb.

Looks shouldn't matter for a LTR. That being said, do you need to be attracted to a long term partner? Absolutely

When you are talking long term your attraction needs to be built on a foundation of the woman's qualities not her physical attributes.

Otherwise yes there is always someone hotter, firmer, more toned etc.

So if you're not happy with a girlfriend/partner/FWB it means either you need to re-evalaute what you value in a long term partner or the girl isn't right for you.

The reason people divorce so much is that they chase after physical with the hope that the intangibles will just take care of themselves.

There's nothing wrong with go after women you find attractive you jsut have to be able to know when they're not the right fit from an intangibles/intelligence/morals/ethics/ etc. standpoint.